Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  Sometimes when I’m running I lose track of how far I’ve gone and this is one of those times. By the time I realize where I am, I’ve gone almost four miles. I slow down and start to jog. I really don’t have the energy to be doing what I’m doing after not sleeping or eating right for weeks. I feel my body start to protest as the adrenaline wears off and I’m smart enough to recognize I need to stop. There’s a park next to the road where I’ve stopped and I go find a bench to sit down on.

  It’s a beautiful morning and tons of people are already out. I sit there and people watch while I catch my breath. Unfortunately, as soon as I stop running, I feel the anger start to resurface. I still have my headphones in and I scroll through the music looking for a song that might have a calming effect on me. I’m not looking at the titles; I’m just pushing the fast forward button when Call Me Maybe comes through my headphones and Brady’s face pops into my head, everything becomes crystal clear for the first time and I know, finally, what I have to do.

  I jog slowly back to my house. I’m calm when I walk into my empty house and calm when I take a shower. I’m able to stay calm in the car for the forty-five minutes it takes me to get where I’m going. I’m calm as I walk through the cemetery, trying to remember where Brady is buried. I haven’t been here since the funeral, but I’m able to find his grave quickly. I’m calm until I sit down on the grass next to his headstone. There are fresh flowers here and a picture of a little boy, his little boy, Michael. I look at the picture and it makes me angrier than I was. This little boy doesn’t have a dad now because of Brady’s selfish choice. I’m not a particularly religious person, although I was raised Methodist, but I do believe it was some sort of divine intervention that brought me here today. It’s the only explanation for why, all of a sudden, I know this is what I need to do.

  Others like Marissa, my mom, and Luke have suggested I visit Brady’s grave to get some sort of closure and peace, but nobody ever suggested I come here and tell him how I really feel about what he did to me and to himself. Nobody told me it was okay to let him know how angry I am with him. I never got a chance to say these things to him when he was alive and right now I know my decision to hold these feelings in was the worst decision of all. The anger and hurt in my heart have taken up all the space that should be filled with love and happiness. There’s no way I would’ve ever been able to forgive him or myself without really acknowledging what this all did to me. I’ve never wanted to face the truth. I wanted to be strong and I wanted to forget. I thought I could do this all on my own. I was so wrong.

  I look around to make sure nobody is nearby and I start talking. Actually, I kind of start yelling, and once I start I can’t stop.

  “Brady, I have no idea where you are, if you’re anywhere. I don’t know if you can see me or hear me. I don’t know a lot of things. But I know I’m so fucking mad at you I can hardly breathe and I can’t live like this anymore. I haven’t lived since the last night I saw you. Since the night you shattered every bit of trust I had in people. I loved you and I trusted you and you broke me. Do you hear me, I’m broken. Damn you, Brady! You took away my ability to love and trust and believe in myself. Do you know that? Do you remember that confident, fun girl you met in the bar? Well she’s gone and I hate you for that. And I feel so bad for hating you because you’re dead. And being dead trumps everything. And I hate you for that too because I’ve felt so fucking guilty for feeling the pain from what you did to me. I had to hide and pretend like it didn’t happen so it wouldn’t hurt anyone else. I couldn’t even hurt because I didn’t want anyone to feel any worse. I protected you even after you violated me in every way possible and you didn’t deserve that from me. I didn’t tell anyone. But you did. You told Luke. I just found that out and it ruined everything. I’ve lost him too and it hurts so much.”

  I wipe away the tears that have been rolling down my cheeks and take a few deep breaths.

  “How could you have done this to us? We all loved you Brady, me, Luke, your parents. You broke our hearts and left us to pick up the pieces. And if you’re watching you know what a mess I am. Marissa says I’m not even the same person anymore and so much of that’s your fault. I’ll take some responsibility, but I’m going to blame you too. I was a different person before you came into my life. I liked who that girl was and you destroyed her. And I want her to come back so badly.”

  I sit quietly for a few moments and picture Brady’s face. I try and imagine him smiling and laughing. He had a beautiful smile and a warm, sincere laugh. I’ll never understand how a person filled with so much light could get swallowed by so much darkness.

  “I’m sorry too, Brady. I’m sorry I didn’t let you say you were sorry. I couldn’t see you and I couldn’t talk to you and now you’re gone and I’ve lived with that guilt for a year. But, it’s not my fault you did what you did. I didn’t deserve to be cheated on and hit. I didn’t deserve for you to rape me and I didn’t make you choose to die. It was so unfair I had to be the one to find you. Did you know I would? Did you want to punish me more? That’s the worst thing you could ever do to someone, Brady, and you did it to me. You told me you loved me and I had to find you. My God, Brady, why would you choose this? It was the wrong choice. You made the wrong choice and I’ve been making the wrong choices too, because I’m so scared of ever feeling this kind of devastation again. I loved you and you’re gone and it was all so bad at the end.”

  I start to feel lighter with each truth I utter and with each tear that rolls down my face I start, for the very first time, to really let go of the pain, shame, and guilt I’ve been holding onto for so long. The depth of these feelings was truly unknown to me before now. I thought I was so much more okay than I am which isn’t saying much.

  Before I left the house I wrote down some lyrics to a song. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to come up with my own words so, as I so often do, I rely on someone else’s to help me. It turns out that in this case, I didn’t need the help. But, I want to make sure I walk away from here empty, empty of the darkness that has been trying to swallow me. I take a piece of paper out of my purse and read the words from the song Guarded by Kevin Daniel, out loud.

  But I won’t be free, ‘til I’ve made peace with never knowing,

  What went wrong and was the fault in me.

  I just wish your ghosts were gone, Cause I’m ready to love,

  I’ve been guarded long enough.

  When I finish, I put the paper back in my purse. I sit quietly next to Brady’s grave for almost an hour and try to remember the good things. I try to remember the laughter and the smiles and the love we shared. I search my soul for the forgiveness I need to give him and for the forgiveness I need to give myself. I’m a realist and I’ve been shown things can change in the blink of an eye, but in this moment, I’m absolutely convinced I’ve finally begun to let go.

  “I’m not sure I’m going to come back here, Brady. I don’t want to look back anymore. I wish so badly you were in front of me so I could give you what you asked of me in your note. I’m going to forgive you, Brady. I’m going to forgive you and I’m going to forgive myself. Goodbye, Brady. I hope you found your light again.”

  As I walk back to my car I’m very conscious of how I’m feeling. I’m exhausted but I truly feel like a thousand pound weight has been lifted off of my body and I have a sense of clarity about my future I didn’t have until now. I couldn’t believe in the future because of the shadows of my past. It’s all making sense now. As I drive home I try not to beat myself up for not having done this sooner. I wasn’t ready. I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t and I keep telling myself I did the best I could and I need to really forgive myself, not just talk about it. I’ve hurt so many people and made so many bad choices. It’s hard to think about it.

  I-95 is a parking lot once I get into Dade County and as I sit in traffic I can’t help but think about the damage control I need to do. I need to talk to Marissa as soon as I get home. Our conversation has been weighing so heavi
ly on me. I don’t know what Shannon knows but she needs to be part of this too. I also need to talk to Ellen. I’ve shut out so many people. And Julian. Oh my God, Julian. He reached out for me again and I shut him out completely. I didn’t even respond to his last email. I’d be wrecked if he ever did that to me. What makes me feel even worse is I don’t think he ever would. That man has been there for me over and over again and I kept pushing him away. I’m not sure what, if anything, I can or should do. He told me he was done and right now the thought of that being true is devastating. I try and focus on what I can fix and I start the conversation I need to have with Marissa in my head. I space out a little and try to collect my thoughts. When I get into the car I plug my phone in and let the music shuffle. It’s uncanny what song comes on the radio. I listen and feel my heart hurt at the truth in a song I could’ve written myself. And just like Adam Levine says, I’m so, so sad. What have I done?

  Still looking at the road we never drove on

  And wonderin’ if the one I chose was the right one

  Oh, but I’m scared to death that there may not be

  Another one like this

  Sad – Maroon 5

  The tears start to flow again and instead of turning the song off or trying to think of something else, I force myself to feel the pain and acknowledge the magnitude of what I’ve done. I walked away from Julian in his time of need and showed him I didn’t love him unconditionally. I didn’t stay when he needed me. I didn’t hold on. I didn’t trust him and give us a shot. I don’t know if I really could’ve made our relationship work under the circumstances, but I didn’t even really try. I ran and hid and felt sorry for myself. Oh God. And Luke. I didn’t technically cheat on Julian but I betrayed our love by trying to fill in the hole he left with Luke. I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. Fuck. I did this.

  When I pull into the driveway, both Marissa’s and Shannon’s cars are there and I’m happy, and nervous, as I walk in the door. They’re both sitting in the living room and neither of them smiles when I come and sit down on the couch next to Shannon. She doesn’t wait for my butt to hit the cushion before she lays into me.

  “I’m not sure what’s going on with you, and I’m sorry I haven’t been around more, or been a better friend, but you’ve lost your fucking mind if you think moving is what you should be doing. You need to be around your friends and family. Stop freaking running already.”

  Marissa jumps in before I have a chance to respond. “You’re wasting your breath, Shannon, Lexie has already made up her mind she’s better off cutting all of us out of her life.”

  I hear the hurt in her voice and see the pain in her eyes. It makes me feel worse. I sit and listen and let them say what they need to say to me. When Marissa finishes, I stand up and walk toward the kitchen. I look over my shoulder.

  “Press pause on the lecture for a minute would you. This calls for wine. Or a shot? Which would you prefer?” I look at the clock and see its three o’clock and decide its okay to start drinking now. Plus, it’s Saturday.

  I hear them laugh a little and I smile. They both say they don’t want anything but I ignore them and grab the bottle of Patron from our little bar. I also get three shot glasses and go back into the living room. “We’re all doing a shot. We’re celebrating.”

  They are both looking at me like I’m crazy. I’m going to let them know I’m not. I pour the shots and hand them out. I raise mine and although they’re looking at me skeptically, they do the same.

  “Cheers to the fact I’ve finally come to my senses and I’m not moving. Here’s to you, Marissa, for finally saying what I really needed to hear, here’s to you two being the best friends a girl could have and here’s to me for acknowledging I’ve totally fucked up my life and if I don’t get it together, I’ll ruin it for good.”

  I do the shot and watch as they do theirs. I’m not sure either of them knows what to say to my declaration of sanity so I just start talking.

  “I’ll spare you all the little details, but I had a real epiphany this morning. I’m not sure what came over me but I had my first moments of real clarity since Brady died. I went to the cemetery and I had the conversation with Brady I needed to have for the last year. It’s crazy but it felt so good to finally say what I needed to say. I’ve talked and talked about all of this with you, Ellen, my family, Julian, but I needed to talk to Brady. I didn’t think it would help, but it did. And I’m sane enough to know it’s not all better now, but I want it to be. And I know running away isn’t going to make anything better.” I take a deep breath. “And I’m so freaking lucky it happened right now before I made any other really bad choices.”

  “So, you’re not moving?” Marissa seems less concerned about the other stuff and I’m okay with that.

  “I’m not moving. You’re stuck with me and my drama.”

  Marissa pours three more shots and holds hers up. “Cheers to that and cheers to getting drunk in the middle of the day.” We all do our second shot.

  “I’m not sure what the hell happened but I’m happy about it. You were freaking me out. Seriously. I’ve been so worried.”

  “Well, this calls for a celebration. Lexie Reed finally figured out we’re all in this together. Speaking of which, do either of you have plans tonight?” Shannon looks at each of us and we shake our heads. “Good, because I’m calling Jenna and Lauren and we’re going to really celebrate the return of our Lexie.”

  I can’t help but giggle at her dramatic tone. “Can we just stay home, though? I’d love to have us all hang out, but I don’t know if I can handle going out.” I shrug my shoulders. “I’m not there yet, Shan.”

  “Fine, we can order Chinese, watch a funny movie and get drunk. Sound good?”

  I get up and give her a hug. “Sounds like just what the doctor ordered. I’ll even pay for dinner.”

  Marissa texts Jenna and Lauren and they’re both in. Lauren’s working so she won’t be over until close to six and Jenna is out shopping and won’t be here for a few hours either. It’s perfect because it gives us a chance to really talk. And I do just that. And they just listen. I open up and allow myself to trust these women who’ve always had my back. I share exactly how I’ve been feeling. When I get to the part about Julian coming to see me and about the email he sent they look a little surprised.

  “He doesn’t hate you. He’s just so hurt. Can you blame him? Sorry, but you haven’t exactly handled the situation well.” Marissa is back to being her nice PC self.

  “Yeah, I know that. I also know he isn’t big on second chances, never mind tenth chances. He said he was done and I believe him. I wouldn’t even know what to say to him, anyway. I mean I don’t think a ‘Hey, I’m done being a nut-job. Let’s get back together’ email is going to work, especially because I’ve basically already been there and done that.”

  “How about calling him and saying something along the lines of, ‘Hey Julian. You’re the love of my life and I royally fucked up. I’m done doing that and I have a clue now’.”

  Shannon isn’t as PC as Marissa.

  “As great as that sounds, Shannon, he isn’t going to believe a word I say. I know him. I’ve pushed too far this time.” I sit and ponder my own words for a minute and then shake my head as if the action will push the sad thoughts out of my head. “I don’t want to dwell on this tonight. It sucks, but we’re going to celebrate and I’m going to be happy for a few minutes, damn it!”

  When Lauren walks in the door at six-thirty she finds three buzzed girls. We decided to keep the party going and opened a bottle, or two, of wine. Because it’s not fun to be the sober girl, she does two shots of her own to catch up. When Jenna walks in at seven-thirty, she finds one buzzed girl and three drunk ones. She pours herself a shot and a glass of wine and sits down in the living room with the rest of us.

  We spend the next few hours talking and drinking and laughing. It feels so good too. I needed this. I need my girlfriends, probably more than ever. We skirt around the whole Julia
n subject and focus on what’s going on in their lives. Jenna and Lauren are both dating new guys and are riding the new relationship wave; Marissa’s excited because Kevin is going to be home in less than three months and Shannon is convinced Cory is getting ready to propose any day. I’d be lying if I said it’s not hard to hear about how well things are going for everyone else, but I really am happy for all of them. I keep the smile on my face, ask questions and try to feel hopeful. Plus, there’s no way I’m going to be a buzz-kill tonight. The alcohol helps.

  We order pizza around ten and channel surf to find a movie we all want to watch. My only criteria are we don’t watch any kind of romantic movie and they agree. We settle on Pitch Perfect and when Lauren and Shannon get up and start singing and dancing, the night gets better. This really is exactly what I needed.

  Around midnight I look up and see Lauren, Shannon, and Jenna are all passed out on the couches. I glance at Marissa and she smiles. “You did great tonight. It’s good to see you smile. It’s been a while.”

  “This was fun. I’m going to feel like shit in the morning because I’m hammered, and I have to work at ten, but what the hell. Fake it till you make it, right?”

  She nods and gets up. “I’m going to bed too. I’m pretty buzzed myself. Should we just leave them here?” She motions toward the girls.

  “Yes, they look comfortable.” We throw some blankets on them and both head to our rooms to go to bed.

  “Night, Mari. Thanks.”