Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  He runs his hands through his hair and keeps them behind his head for a minute. “I’m pissed because despite everything you’ve done, I couldn’t get here fast enough. You fucking keep running from me and I keep running toward you. It’s a pull I can’t break away from, even though I want to.”

  My heart sinks in my chest. I don’t want him to be able to stop loving me. I keep quiet and let him have the floor. He sits on the bed next to me and I can feel the energy pulsating off of him. I clasp my hands together to keep from reaching out and touching him.

  He shakes his head and when he looks at me I see the hurt. He’s either unable to hide it or unwilling. “I had to tell you. I had to see you and let you know. I’m not even sure you deserve anything from me. You fucking walked away and gave up on us.”

  His voice is raw and so filled with anguish. It breaks my heart. I want to wrap my arms around him but his body language doesn’t suggest he wants that.

  “I’m not sure I deserve it either. But I want it. I want you. That’s why I sent the text.”

  “What text? I didn’t get a text from you. Nada. I waited for days before I really believed you were done.”

  I’m surprised at this. Julian’s great about checking his phone and responding.

  “I sent you a text last night, around ten.”

  He takes his phone out of his pocket and scrolls through his messages. When he gets to what I’m assuming is my text, he looks up.

  “I didn’t see this. I was at the hospital and my phone ran out of battery so I turned it off. I plugged it in when I got in the car to come here, and there were so many texts and messages. I didn’t see this.”

  He sounds apologetic and my heart lifts when I realize he wasn’t ignoring me.

  “It’s fine. I understand. You had a lot going on and it’s more important than my text. We don’t even have to talk about this tonight. You have enough on your plate. I don’t want to cause anymore drama or problems for you.”

  I’m being one hundred percent sincere and I think he’ll appreciate my sentiment, but instead he stands up, raises his voice and looks down at me.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you that you don’t see what’s right in front of you? The only problems and drama I can’t handle are the ones you caused by walking out of my life. What part of me telling you I love you, and that I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it, don’t you understand? I’ve poured my heart and soul out to you. I’ve turned myself inside out and let you see all of me. Nobody sees that. Nobody. I’d never be this way for someone else and you still don’t get it.”

  He really is like a livewire and the electricity pulsating off of him is a little unnerving. I push away my wariness and stand up in front of him. I’m inches away, but I don’t touch him. I look him deeply in the eyes. I need him to really hear, and see what I’m saying.

  “I get it now, Julian. I’m so sorry it took me so long to see what’s been right in front of me since the very beginning. I want you, baby or no baby. That’s why I sent the text. You see me, all of me, and it scares me to death, but I love you and I can’t imagine a life without you in it either.”

  He shakes his head a little, his eyes dark and distrusting. “I’m not sure how you can say that when you’re planning on moving.”

  I shake my head slowly and tears well up in my eyes. “I’m not going anywhere, and you need to know I made these choices before I knew about the baby. I don’t want to run anymore, unless it’s toward you. I wanted to stay and fight for you, for us. I couldn’t give up. I couldn’t.”

  He reaches up and puts his hand on my cheek. It’s soft and warm. He runs his thumb slowly and gently over my bottom lip. A sea of butterflies takes flight in my stomach and I have to force myself to breathe.

  “Before I kiss you I need to know this is real. I need to know you really are done running because I can’t do this again. I won’t do this again. Before I kiss you I need to know you’re staying.”

  “It’s real, Julian. If you still want me, I’m yo—”

  Julian lowers his lip to mine and muffles the last words I say. The kiss is soft and tender at first, almost shy and unsure. I’m told so much through his kiss. He wants to believe me, but he doesn’t. My words aren’t sinking in and touching him the way I want them to, the way I need them to. I feel him holding back and I hate that I’ve done this. There’s never been a time when he withheld himself from me.

  I stand on my tiptoes, wrap one arm around his neck, and pour everything I can into the kiss. I open my lips and slide my tongue into his mouth. He responds in kind for a moment but then pulls away. The trepidation is so vivid in his eyes.

  “Mírame, Julian. It’s real, baby. Let me love you, please. Because I do love you, so much, and you need to know it. I’m so sorry.”

  Julian wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him. He takes my hand and places it on his chest, over his heart. Then he does the same with his hand. The feeling that comes over me from being in his arms is indescribable. I can only compare it to how it feels to walk in the door of your house after being gone on a long trip, or how it feels to sleep in your own bed after days of not being able to. It feels right, it fits, and it feels like home. Julian is my home.

  We stay like that for a few minutes and I relax into his embrace as our breathing syncs and becomes one. I can feel his heart beating against my chest and with each beat I feel the love he has for me seeping through. I look up and him and see that his eyes are closed.

  “It’s not a dream. You can open your eyes. I’ll still be right here.”

  Julian moves his right hand away from my heart and as he moves it down my side he grazes my breast. It’s a whisper of a touch yet it ignites a spark in me that rolls though my whole body. I shudder and a small smile makes a quick appearance on Julian’s face. He moves the same hand under my tank top and begins to caress my breast with firm, possessive strokes. I lean into him and moan softly as he rolls my nipple between his fingertips. He does the same thing on the other side and in moments I’m lost and at the mercy of his touch. It’s been weeks since he’s had his hands on me and my body feels like it’s blossoming under his touch.

  I feel his erection growing against me, and when I reach down to acknowledge his arousal, a throaty groan escapes his lips as well. I slip my hand into his jeans and run my fingers along his length. I find his shaft hard and pulsating under my touch and as I wrap my fingers around him and stroke him, he becomes a little lost himself. His breathing becomes shallower and he involuntarily presses himself into my palm.

  We’re still standing and staring at each other as we caress and stroke each other. These initial touches are the first steps in rebuilding the connection between us and I’m fine with the slow pace, even though I’m craving more.

  I unbutton his shirt and slide it down over his shoulders. He lifts my tank over my head and tosses it on the floor. He pulls me to him again and his naked torso feels perfect pressed up against mine. My face is in his chest and when I lean in and place a soft kiss where his heart is, his intake of breath is audible. He puts his fingertips underneath my chin and tilts my head up so I’m forced to look into his eyes. I exhale when I see the warmth I’m used to seeing staring back at me. He’s coming back to me.

  “Te amo, Alexa Reed. And before I make love to you I need to know it’s going to be just us now. Solo tu y yo. I’m done sharing you with anyone or anything. We can’t let the past ruin our future anymore, baby.”

  I nod my head vigorously, in an effort to ban any thoughts of my past, of Brady or Luke, from this moment. “I love you too. And I need to know the same from you. I don’t want to share you either.”

  “Lexie, you’ve had me all along. I’ve been yours since the moment you fell into me in the staircase. There’s no one else for me.”

  His words ring in my ears as he picks me up in his strong, protective arms and lays me on my bed. When his lips find mine this time, there’s nothing standing in the way and our mutual des
ires collide into each other and ignite a fiery burst of heat. While his silky tongue and warm, moist lips devour my mouth, I unzip his jeans and attempt to pull them off of his beautiful body as smoothly as I can. I’m having a hard time because of the position we’re in, so he pulls his mouth away from mine, stands up and takes them off. He leans over and grabs the waistband of my shorts and slides them off. He lies back down, next to me, and I watch as his eyes sweep over my body from my toes to my eyes. He runs his fingertips over my ribcage and I know he’s thinking about the weight I’ve lost. This is so not the time for it.

  “Only good thoughts, Julian, please. Make love to me. I want you so much. More than ever.”

  He just stares at me and I’m beginning to get a little frustrated. The stopping and starting is throwing me off. One second I feel the heat and sense he could fuck me for days and the next moment he’s acting like this is the first time he’s ever had sex. It’s freaking me out because I don’t know what to do.

  “Do you want this? Do you want me? Because I’m not sure you really do.”

  “I don’t know what I want.” He rolls over and puts his arm over his eyes.

  Fuck. The first rule of asking a question is not to ask if you don’t want to know the answer.

  I wriggle away and attempt to pull my sheets up around my body. Talk about feeling vulnerable. Julian stops me and pulls me to him so I’m in the crook of his arm. I resist and pull away. He turns on his side and looks at me through tired eyes.

  “Don’t.” His voice sounds as tired as he looks.

  “Don’t what?”

  “Don’t start freaking out. I can’t deal with it tonight.”

  I can’t believe the words that come out of my mouth. “I’m not freaking out. You are and maybe you need to process how you’re feeling before anything else happens between us. You’re understandably upset, and maybe you need some time to deal with what happened tonight. Clearly being here with me, like this, isn’t helping.”

  He takes a deep breath and exhales.

  “I’m lying here next to you, next to your beautiful, naked body, and I can’t focus. I want you. I always want you and it would be really easy to spend the next few hours having sex with you. It would help make me forget everything that’s happened in the last month, at least for a little while. And when we stop, I’m going to remember it all. I’m going to remember that you walked away from me and broke my fucking heart. I’m going to remember that two hours ago I was going to be a father and now I’m not. I’m going to remember that I was lied to and played for a fool. I’m going to remember how much this hurt you and how bad I feel about that. I’m mad and I’m sad and I’m so fucking tired. I’m so tired, Lexie. I’ve done everything to hold it all together and it all fell apart anyway. I swore I’d never be in this position again and here I am. If I could fuck this pain away I would, but it’s not going to change anything.”

  Wow. We really are similar. I know this already but sometimes I’m really reminded of how our pasts have scarred us in the same ways. He doesn’t want to let go and feel any more vulnerable than he does and he thinks making love to me will force him to do that. And it will. Our connection will break his ability to remain in control. It’s what happens when we’re together. He knows it and so do I. I also know what I need to do. I unwrap the sheets from around my body and climb on top of Julian, so I’m straddling him. I bend down and place my lips on his. His hands are on my hips and he turns his head away and asks, “Didn’t you hear anything I just said?”

  I don’t back away. “Uh huh. I heard everything you said and everything you didn’t say. I heard it all. And I get it. You know I get it. You don’t need to have all the answers right now and you don’t need to be in control, Julian. Not with me. You’re safe here. I promise. Let me help you forget for a little while. Let me help you remember what it feels like to let go and get lost in each other. We can figure out all the other stuff later. Just know I’m here and I’m not letting go.”

  Sometimes words work and sometimes they don’t. This time they do, and I see something in Julian’s eyes change. He’s kind of looking at me like he’s seeing me for the first time, and I see a flash of desire that encourages me to keep on this track. I bend closer and run my tongue across the seam in his lips. He parts his lips slightly and I slip my tongue inside. And then I kiss him. I mean I kiss him like my life depends on it. I figure I need to do a little convincing but in a few moments he matches my intensity and kisses me back in a way that tells me we won’t be stopping anytime soon.

  I absolutely love kissing Julian and I could do it for hours. He has other plans though and in my mind I hand over the reins and let him chart the course. He rolls me over so he’s on top of me and I spread my legs so he can settle in between them. I fully expect Julian to start touching my body and I also expect him to take his time, so when he enters me right away, I’m very surprised.

  It’s completely unlike him not to make sure I’m ready for him. The physical feeling of him being inside me like this is both pleasurable and painful at the same time and I’m instantly conflicted. He feels good. I missed this. I longed for the closeness that we can only create by him being inside of me and I’m comforted by the feel of his body on mine. At the same time, the punishing rhythm of his thrusts and the lack of warmth in his actions hurt me both in a physical and an emotional way. I look up at Julian and when his eyes flicker open and meet mine I don’t even know who I’m looking at. He’s not talking to me or touching me. He’s just fucking me, like he said, and I’m not okay with it. I try to stay calm and remember I’m safe but it’s too difficult. So, before I go someplace I can’t come back from, I try and reach him. My voice comes out a bit panicky.

  “Look at me.”

  He doesn’t so I say it a little more forcefully. “Julian, look at me, please!”

  His eyes snap open.

  “You need to stop. I want you, but not like this. I can’t. This isn’t who we are and I don’t want you like this.”

  He immediately stops, rolls off of me, and sits on the edge of the bed with his back to me. He doesn’t say a word and all I can hear is him trying to get his breathing under control. I just lie there, not sure what to say to him. I’m not sure if I should touch him. I’m not sure I can. The silence in the room is deafening and I fully expect Julian to get up and leave. There’s a grand canyon of distance between us right now and I see, for the first time since we’ve been together, sex isn’t going to help fix what’s wrong. Actually, it just made it worse and I have no one to blame but myself for forcing the issue. He knew it was a bad idea and I didn’t listen.

  When he stands up and starts putting his pants back on, I feel compelled to say something.

  “Julian, I’m sorry. I should’ve listened to you. You didn’t want this and I forced the issue. Please don’t feel bad.”

  When he turns around, I’m taken back by what I see. There are tears streaming down his face and in his eyes I see the same images I’ve seen a million times when I look in the mirror. He feels broken. My strong, always in control, confident Julian isn’t who’s in front of me and it hurts my heart to look at him. His anguish is palpable and it’s radiating off of him in waves. I don’t hesitate. I get up on my knees next to him and pull him close to me. He starts to open his mouth and I place my finger on his lips asking him to stop. We don’t need to talk right now. We just need to feel.

  I lie back down and pull him down next to me. I wrap my arms around him and hold him close. There have been times over the course of our relationship where Julian has become emotional and I’ve seen him near tears once or twice. I’ve seen and heard him desperate, and I’ve seen him vulnerable in some respects. But, I’ve never seen him like this and I have no idea what to do or say. He’s sobbing and holding on to me like I’m a life preserver. Me. The person who always needs saving. The person he’s always saving. The irony isn’t lost on me. As I lie there and hold him, I try and relate this to my own life. I know what it’s lik
e to hold everything in so tightly that when you let go the result is a rush of emotions so powerful they envelop you and make you feel like you’re drowning. It’s like a dam bursting and everything that was being held behind it floods out into your body.

  I also know how incredibly difficult it is to let someone else see you like this. I’m not one for stereotypes, but I’m a woman and it’s different for me and I know it. My drama is acceptable for the most part. I can be the damsel in distress and society looks the other way. It’s not the same for him. Julian is a man, a proud, Latino man who has always had to be the strong one. It’s who he is and so much of his identity is wrapped up in being the protector. I can only imagine how much pain he’s in not to be able to hold it in anymore.

  We lie there for a long time. I run my hands up and down his back and occasionally whisper that everything is going to be okay. I whisper that I love him. He says nothing. I don’t know what he’s thinking about and I don’t ask. There’s so much to think about. He’s dealing with his feelings about me and our break-up and about how I left him. How I didn’t stay. He’s dealing with what just happened between us physically. He’s dealing with the revelation he isn’t going to be a dad right now. I know he didn’t want it in the beginning but I know Julian and once he embraced the idea, I’m sure he made plans for the future with this baby. He’s dealing with the hurt he knows his parents must feel over another loss. He feels betrayed and used and alone. I also imagine he’s feeling weak, a feeling compounded by the fact I’m witnessing all of this.

  I have so many questions about what happened tonight with Caroline and the baby. He didn’t tell me much and I know I need to respect that but as we lie here in the dark I can’t help but speculate on how this night unfolded. I know he’ll tell me when he’s ready, and I tell myself to be patient. After about forty-five minutes of lying there, I realize Julian has actually fallen asleep. I look at the clock on my nightstand and see it’s after midnight. It’s probably been over twenty-four hours since he slept and I’m glad he’s sleeping. I’m also glad he’s here with me.