The angry feelings refused to subside so, even though he was already exhausted, Hank pulled on a pair of shorts and went out for a run. Getting active had always helped him to clear his mind, as well as ridding his body of the tension that built up when he got angry or anxious. But, even that had come to be less effective since the break-up. He seemed to need to run further and further, pushing himself harder and harder. He set off at a punishing pace, and was soon running out of town and into the woods.
He focused on his feet. One of the guys at the station had told him he had been doing it wrong for years, when he complained about experiencing pain in his shins and hips. He’d demonstrated why Hank’s gait was wrong, and what he could do to rectify it. So, now, Hank paid attention to his foot striking the ground, letting it roll through from heel to toe as Kyle had told him. It felt most peculiar, but it gave him something else to think about, other than the mess he had managed to make of his life.
For miles, he just focused on his breathing and his feet. When he stopped, breathless and dripping in sweat, he bent double, wishing he’d brought a water bottle. He wandered through the low, sparse woods, sure that there was a clearing not too far off the path.
It didn’t take him long to find it, though you wouldn’t have found the tiny path worn down by the feet of the local critters, without paying very close attention. It led him to the small clearing with sandy dirt edged with date palms and cotton roses.
He sank back against a taller tree, and stared at the area in front of him. A seagull flew overhead, calling out loudly as he soared. He looked up and watched as the bird turned and headed back toward the Gulf of Mexico. It didn’t care what had happened inland, nor did it care what might happen as it glided out toward the water. It just kept on moving. Hank wished he could wash his problems, his past, away as easily.
As a jumble of thoughts of Jamie and the girls began to crowd back into his brain once more, Hank stood up, brushed himself off and began to jog home – needing the punishment and pain that surged through his muscles as the lactic acid kicked in. When he ran back into town, pounding along the sidewalk on Main Street, Orchard Springs was quiet. The Galveston, Texas beach town suburb was quaint and close-knit. He’d loved the place when they first moved there. Now after his troubles, he chafed a bit under the scrutiny of friends and acquaintances who thought they knew his business.
Sunday morning meant church for most of the town’s residents. Not for Hank, not anymore. He’d lost his faith, too. It had once meant so much to him.
But now, he couldn’t bear the thought of attending services. He’d sinned in a big way, and he deserved to be ostracized. He didn’t deserve to receive the forgiveness that God offered him so freely. The whole message of God’s grace went right over his head.
Some of the last arguments he’d had with Jamie had been about his unwillingness to attend services. He’d felt so guilty, and had been sure that God, the pastor – and the entire congregation - would see his unfaithfulness written all over him. It had been easier not to go. And he knew that had hurt Jamie-Leigh, too.
He ran past the church as the doors opened and the townsfolk emerged, blinking, into the sunlight. Hank could see Jamie and the girls in the middle of the crowd.
He felt as if the world had disappeared and only they were real.
Hank’s heart pounded against his ribs as he drank the sight of them in. They were all wearing floral summer dresses. The straps on Jamie’s dress had slipped, exposing the curve of her shoulders. She pulled them up awkwardly, then grabbed the girls’ hands, and began to usher them towards the car.
She looked up, as if she could sense his eyes hungrily taking in the sight of the three people he loved most in the world. Jamie frowned when she saw him, and hustled Casey and Emily into the back seat. Her look sent a dagger through him. But, Hank continued to watch as she ensured the girls wore their seatbelts and that the door was shut firmly. He couldn’t tear his eyes from her as she tucked a stray curl behind her ear, got in the car and drove off without giving him another look.
Just that brief glimpse was enough to make him feel utterly wretched. He knew he could not survive without them. But, he had been so selfish, so bitterly frustrated at the way things had turned out. He had taken it out on everyone else rather than take responsibility for his own monumental error. Even this morning he’d been blaming Jamie for throwing everything they’d had away. She’d never done anything but be as close to perfect as possible. His self-pity and bitterness wasn’t winning him any friends, and would get him nowhere with Jamie-Leigh.
It was his fault everything had happened. It was no surprise that Jamie didn’t even want to speak to him. She deserved her anger. She was just trying to do the best she could, and it seemed that she could survive perfectly well without him in her life. But, he couldn’t live without her. He didn’t want to live without her. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He knew he didn’t stand a chance in getting her back, but he knew it was everything he wanted.
He needed Jamie. He needed Casey and Emily. He longed to smell their curls as he held them tight, before tucking them up for bed. He’d not been able to put them to bed in months, as Jamie wouldn’t let him in the house, and he would never let the girls see the squalor of where he lived now.
But, that part was easily remedied, at least.
Hank vowed to find a better home. He had to prove to Jamie-Leigh that he could still be a good parent, even if he had proved to be a lousy husband. The girls deserved better from him than he had offered so far. Wallowing in his own misery since Jamie-Leigh had insisted he move out had been as selfish as he could be. He’d punished himself by taking this nasty apartment – but in doing so he’d punished his daughters, too. It was time he grew up and put them first. They hadn’t done anything wrong, and they needed him.
Pastor Joseph stood outside the church, watching the cars leave the parking lot. He waved Hank over. Hank wanted to pretend that he hadn’t seen. He wasn’t in the mood for the kind man’s wise advice. But, he crossed the street, and shook the red-headed man’s hand. “Good to see you, Hank,” Pastor Joseph said.
“You, too,” Hank said.
“We’ve missed you in church.”
“I… um,” Hank said, then paused not knowing what to say.
“You didn’t feel you deserved to? You wanted Jamie-Leigh to have the support of the congregation?” Pastor Joseph said, prompting him.
“I wish I could say it was the latter – but I’m afraid I haven’t been so unselfish.”
“The Lord will forgive you, even if you cannot forgive yourself, Hank – if you let him.”
“I’ve been trying to tell myself that, but let’s just say, I’ve been questioning my faith. I’m not sure I’ll ever get it back.”
“Give yourself time, Hank. Jesus is patient, he’ll wait for you. He’ll be here when you’re ready to come back to him.”
“I know, prodigal son and all that,” Hank said wryly.
“Something like that,” Pastor Joseph said with a smile. “Why not come back to services? You might find that you can find our Lord more easily if you do.”
“I doubt it, but I’ll think about it,” Hank said, knowing that Pastor Joseph was just trying to be kind, in the way he believed would help Hank most. But, he wasn’t ready to face that set of demons – not yet, at least. He wasn’t sure if he had succumbed to the affair because of his waning faith, or if he had lost his faith because he had indulged his most base desires. Either way, he had some soul-searching to do, and he wasn’t sure that he could find the answers when surrounded by people judging him.
Knowing there was nothing in the apartment worth eating, Hank took the decision to grab some takeout on his way back. Brother Moe’s was still quiet when he stopped by for some ribs, potato salad and iced tea. In an hour or so, the restaurant would be heaving with families laughing and enjoying each other’s company.
Hank had brought Jamie-Leigh and the girls here the week before his life had im
ploded. They had enjoyed such a great afternoon. Jamie had looked so pretty. She’d left her hair loose, the curls framing her features perfectly and the girls had played with their dolls, and chattered endlessly about their dance recital. Hank would never experience a day like it again. He didn’t deserve to.
Understandably, Jamie had been devastated when she found out about his affair. But, she’d stood up tall, staring him down and had told him to get out of the house, and to never come back. He’d heard her sobbing from behind the closed front door of their family home, as he reluctantly made his way down the path. The sound had ripped his heart out of his chest, as he realized just what he had done, and just what he had lost.
As he let himself back into his apartment, Hank knew he had to try and find a way to convince her to give him another chance – even if it was only as her friend. He knew that he never wanted to hear Jamie-Leigh in such pain again, that he would never do anything to hurt her. But, how on earth could he make her believe that?
Maybe Pastor Joseph was right; maybe Hank needed to return to the fold of the church. He had stopped attending services about a month into his affair. He’d felt too guilty. If he returned to the church, she might believe that he had changed. He wanted her to believe in him again.
He doubted if he would ever find his faith again, but if attending services might convince Jamie to at least let him see the girls more, he was prepared to do whatever he could to gain that place in their life, if he could. But, he knew he couldn’t face the whole town – not yet. But, maybe Pastor Joseph would agree to see Hank, privately. He was such a great listener, and offered good advice. Hank could use some of that.
3
The school was busy when Jamie-Leigh arrived on Tuesday. It was raining, so all the moms were trying to get their rambunctious kids out of raincoats and boots, while most of the dads stood by looking helpless.
“How do you moms do this every day?” Michael Frater, an old friend and successful divorce lawyer, asked Jamie-Leigh as she stood back and let Casey and Emily get themselves ready.
“I don’t,” Jamie-Leigh laughed, nodding to where Casey was helping Emily out of her boots. “I want my girls to be independent and capable, so I let them do everything they can on their own.”
“Maddy certainly doesn’t seem to know when to stand back,” Michael said as he watched his wife whip out a brush and then undo the braids on his daughter, Janie’s head. Janie yelped as Maddy pulled the brush through her hair, then re-braided them too tightly.
“Mom,” she wailed.
“Go on, it’s not so bad,” Maddy said impatiently pushing her daughter towards the door of the classroom, her thick southern drawl making Jamie-Leigh smile. Originally from Georgia, and of Irish heritage everything Maddy said always seemed to sound like she’d come straight off the plantation in one of those old movies, or had only just got off the boat from Dublin. “They’ll loosen up.”
The children disappeared into their respective classes, leaving a cluster of parents loitering in the hall. “Do you know where we’re supposed to go?” Michael asked his wife.
“I’d guess into the sports hall, or maybe the gym?” Jamie-Leigh said shrugging her shoulders. She looked around, wondering if one of the teachers might come out and direct them, but couldn’t see anyone. But, the front door opened, and Hank poked his head through.
He was in full fire fighter gear and had even brought along a box of equipment, including oxygen tanks and a mask. Jamie-Leigh felt an unexpected surge of pride and affection. He’d really made an effort – much more so than any of the other dads who were milling around looking nervous and unprepared.
“I’m not late, am I?” he asked, making his way towards them. He made as if he intended to kiss her, but Jamie-Leigh stepped back out of his reach.
“No,” Jamie-Leigh said tightly. “They’ve not sent anyone for us yet. Now you’re here, I can go.” She turned to Maddy Frater, and forced herself to sound bright and perky. “Do you need a lift home? It’s on my way to work.”
“Oh, that would be great,” Maddy sighed. “Michael will need the car to get to work once he’s done here. I normally drop him in to the office before I drop Janie off. Thanks Jamie-Leigh. Give me just a second to run to the office and check in about progress meetings and I’ll be right back.”
Jamie-Leigh nodded at Maddy, smiled at Michael, and gave Hank a curt nod before turning and making her way back outside. She had barely taken two steps out of the door when it opened behind her. She kept walking.
“Jamie,” Hank called.
Jamie stopped walking. She paused for a moment before turning to face him. “Hank?”
“You knew I’d come, right?” he asked, his eyes searching her face anxiously.
“I hoped,” she said. “I wanted to believe you wouldn’t let Casey down. The other dads looked positively petrified once you walked in. You’ll make quite an impression.”
“Thanks, I hope I’ll do her proud,” Hank said, kicking his highly shined boots against the ground nervously. “I’m looking for a new apartment.”
Jamie-Leigh wondered why he thought that mattered to her. “That’s great.”
“I want somewhere I could maybe have the girls over to stay. Better for them, you know.”
“Great,” Jamie said, again. “They’ll be glad to know you want them over.”
“Jamie…”
“What?” Jamie asked impatiently.
“I just want to make you happy,” he said lamely.
“Make me happy?” Jamie-Leigh blurted angrily. “Hank, whatever you do now is up to you. You don’t need my approval, or my permission – and if you want them, you will be waiting a really long time. Do what you need to do. Take care of yourself. Making me happy isn’t part of the equation anymore.”
“But…” Hank said, his eyes imploring her – to do or say what, Jamie-Leigh didn’t know.
“Hank, you and I are done – remember? If you want to spend time with the girls, then talk to Michael while you’re here. He’s been trying to get you in to talk about things, though you don’t return his calls. Maybe he can come to some kind of arrangement with you. But I will not be discussing it with you at this point.”
“You’ve hired him as your lawyer?” Hank asked, his eyes wide. “Jamie, I know things are bad, but are we really thinking of divorce?”
“You might not be, but I am. I have a life, Hank, and I am not going to let it stagnate because of what you did. I spoke to Michael about what my options are, because I needed to know.”
“You hired a lawyer?” Hank said, his face crumpled and his shoulders sagged.
“Oh for goodness sake, Hank. I have not hired him, not as such – I haven’t paid a retainer or anything. I simply asked his advice. He could be useful to you, too. He’s a good friend, so I’d never put him in the middle of this. He did recommend a good lawyer from Galveston. I’m going to see her next week. We can’t keep on like this, in limbo. The girls need some stability and routine. And I need… Oh, I don’t even know exactly what I need, but it isn’t this.”
Fighting back angry tears, Jamie-Leigh spun on her heel and hurried towards her car. Hank truly was impossible. She didn’t know what he was thinking any more. It was as if he had lost all sense of what was real. Divorce surely wasn’t that much of a surprising step, given the circumstances, was it?
Hank seemed to think that everything could go on as it was, but she needed to find some way to put everything behind her. That meant drawing a line and accepting her mistakes, and making a new start. If he couldn’t see that was a good thing for all of them, then he was a fool.
Maddy Frater emerged from the school a few minutes later. She clambered into the car, stuffing bags and coats into the footwell, then looked up and noticed the tears pouring down Jamie-Leigh’s cheeks. “Oh, sweetie, are you okay?” she asked, bending back down to one of her many bags, rummaging in it and then emerging with a small pack of tissues.
Jamie-Leigh took one gratefully
and dabbed at her eyes and blew her nose, loudly. “I’ll be fine,” she said. “It’s just so hard, seeing him.”
“Oh, sugar, I want to tell you it gets easier,” Maddy said reassuringly. “You know I was married before I met Michael?” Jamie-Leigh shook her head. Maddy grinned. “Oh, I was, and a more handsome devil you could not have wished to find. But he had a wandering eye, just like your Hank. Oh, I cried buckets over that man, but now, barely even think of him.”
“But, you didn’t have kids with him,” Jamie-Leigh said. “You were able to leave him behind and never look back. You even moved from Georgia to Texas so you never had to see him again. The girls need their daddy, and always will.”
“That is true enough, and glad I am for it. And of course you’re right that the girls shouldn’t suffer. Give yourself time. It may not heal all ills, but it does make things easier to bear.”
“I do hope so.”
“Well, if nothing else, I heard on the grapevine that Amelia Haines is leaving town,” Maddy said conspiratorially. “Hear she’s sick of being called a scarlet woman. She said she’s tired of being blamed for breaking up your marriage, and others, so she’s heading for Dallas.”
“Good riddance,” Jamie-Leigh said spitefully then sighed. “I don’t mean that. At least, I am glad I won’t have to see her around town, but she’s only half the problem. Isn’t it funny I can forgive her, but not Hank? She wasn’t married to anyone, was just having a bit of fun. Maybe she even thought he might leave me to be with her. But, Hank. Well, he’s the one who lied to me, cheated on me, and then made me feel like somehow it was all my fault. I’ve spent months questioning myself about what I did wrong. I’ve wondered over and over what on Earth I could possibly have done to deserve his betrayal. I still don’t have answers.”
“Jamie-Leigh Grayson, it is not your job to try and figure out why he was such a fool,” Maddy said firmly, taking Jamie-Leigh’s right hand in both of hers. “You are a great mom, a good friend, and you were a loving and devoted wife. You’re not responsible for the decisions he made that broke your vows.”
You Can Go Home (Christian Second Chance Romance) Page 2
