After Forever Ends

by Melodie Ramone

  I took it from his hand, “Hello?”

  “Silvia, it’s Lucy! Oh, I’ve missed the whole thing! Damn it! I wanted to be there!”

  “She’s a girl! She looks like a chimpanzee!”

  “Like a what?”

  “She’s all squishy, she’s adorable. She looks like a squishy monkey!” I stuck my finger in my free ear, “Where are you?”

  “I’m just crossing into England from home,” She was living in Scotland again. She'd gone back after she graduated from high school because she was worried about leaving Daddy alone. She'd struck out on her own since, but I knew she still kept close tabs on him, “I can’t believe I missed it! A girl! Brilliant! Dad is with me! We’ll be there as soon as we can! Don’t do anything else without me!”

  “Oh, be careful, but hurry! I can’t wait to see you!”

  “I’m losing bars now, Sil…I love you…”

  The call dropped as I said, “I love you, too!”

  “Lucy’s coming,” I told everyone excitedly, “And my dad, too!”

  “I knew she’d make it back sooner or later,” Oliver tapped Alex on the shoulder, “Our sweet Lucy’s on her way!”

  “Sweet Little Lucy Cotton!” Alexander grinned, “I haven’t seen her since she was in a training bra! Brilliant!”

  Melissa shot him a look and he immediately straightened his face.

  Lance had just hung up his mobile, “Merlyn sends his best. He’s in flipping Holland, if you can believe that. He’s in a meeting, but he’ll call you tonight personally.”

  “What’s he doing in Holland?” I asked. Through my drugged and foggy mine, I couldn't imagine anybody needing to go to Holland for anything. It seemed like such a bizarre and strange place to be. I couldn't fathom how he could be there and not in England, even though he was Welsh and now lived in France. My head was a mess of physical exhaustion and narcotics.

  “Some kind of business. He’s always travelling. He was in Finland last week.”

  “Bollocks!” Alexander announced, “He’s gone to Holland get himself a pair of those wooden shoes! I’m so jealous!”

  “Yeah!” Agreed Lance, “Me, too!”

  By the time the room had cleared out a few hours later and the nurse had brought our baby back to us, I was too tired to hold her. Oliver, however, was not. He kicked off his shoes and told me to shove over. He crawled up into the bed with her in his arms. He set her between us. We both lay there and stared at our daughter, completely in awe.

  “She’s perfect,” I whispered.

  “Oh, yes. We made muffin magic with this one.” He couldn't take his eyes off of her.

  “One day she’ll make muffin history.”

  “Are we calling her after Madame Pennyweather?”

  I felt the first ping of sadness I had in a very long time. Our headmistress had died late that autumn in hospital after suffering injuries she sustained in a car accident. We had spoken to her about a month before it happened on the phone and told her about the pregnancy. She had sounded so excited for us, “You are going to be wonderful parents! Children are the most beautiful blessing! You’ll have to bring the little one by and let me have a look!”

  The only reason why we found out she’d died was that Lucy had a friend whose little brother was still in attendance at Bennington. Lucy called to let us know that they were having a public memorial service for our headmistress at the school. Oliver and Alexander were determined to go.

  “This completely fucking sucks,” Alex said as we entered the great hall, “That woman was like a second mother to me!”

  “You called her a witch,” Oliver reminded him, “You said she was a nightmare. You wish she’d crash into all sorts of things on her broomstick.”

  “Well, she was!” Alex insisted a little too loudly, “She knew things there was no way she could have known without having some other-worldly sense. It was never a mutual dislike we shared. It was just a series of conflicting sensibilities.” He looked around, “Holy shite, this place has not changed one bit!”

  It hadn’t. The polished wooden tables were the same ones in the same positions, even the tapestries had the same wear in the same spots. Even the chairs were still sitting in the same places. It was like stepping back ten years in time, which made it even more surreal that we were there to say good bye to a friend instead of returning to visit one.

  Headmistress’ body was not present at the service, but there were dozens of photos on display. The twins and I found ourselves staring at one in particular of an attractive young girl, maybe sixteen years old, lying on her belly in one of the fields surrounding the school with her face propped up on her hands. Her hair was long and dark, scooping around a moon shaped face. A strand was caught between two pouting, heart like lips that curled into a shy smile. She was unrecognisable except for the slightly slanted, spring green eyes and the Bennington emblem on her uniform jumper. There was an autograph in the corner that read, “To Joshua, I will love you forever. Your Carolina.”

  “Mister Joshua,” Oliver whispered with a far off look in his eyes, “The bloke who used to come in and set up the Christmas tree. He was her husband.”

  “Mister Joshua was her husband?” Alex leaned in to take a closer look at the writing.

  “Must’ve been.” Oliver was still staring at the photo, but he moved to allow Alexander to see, “If you look over on that table there are a couple of wedding pictures. I thought the groom looked familiar. Mister Joshua’s right over there with Professor Fields and Professor Nickels. He looks a wreck. He was always here at night, remember? We’d see him after hours all the time. I bet he came and stayed with her when she worked late.”

  “Wow, I never thought of it. Poor guy, losing his wife like this,” Alexander touched the frame, “You were right, though. Once upon a time she really was a daisy, Ollie.”

  “I told you,” He muttered as he took my hand, “You looked at her and all you saw was old. I looked at her and I saw a woman. Take the time away from her face and she was absolutely lovely. You could see it, even through the lines around her eyes. Caroleeeena,” He drew out the name, “A beautiful name for a beautiful lady. I absolutely adored her.”

  “She’ll be missed,” I said softly. A lot of wives might have been jealous of the affection their husband had for any female, but I never was. I always thought it was sweet, Oliver’s infatuation with an older woman and one who was his headmistress at that. To me, it was another example of one of his best qualities; his heart was as free as his mind, “She was so special.”

  “Bennington as we knew it is gone forever,” Alexander sighed and put his hand on Oliver’s arm.

  I didn’t say anything, but I was thinking that he was right. It didn’t seem real at the time that she was gone. I knew that there was no way that school would ever recover from her absence, but I knew as well that it was only us and a couple of others who were privileged enough to have glimpsed the real Madame Pennyweather who would ever realise it. I had a feeling that when she died all the love in the place went with her. I felt very sad for the students who still attended.

  But now Oliver and I were holding our baby daughter for the first time. I didn’t want to be sad and I knew Madame Pennyweather would not have wanted us to be either.

  “Yes.” I told Oliver, “We’ll definitely call her after Madame Pennyweather.” I looked down into my daughter’s little face, “Hello, Carolena Mariana Dickinson,” I whispered as she gave us a huge yawn. “We’re your parents and we’ve waited a very long time to love you to bits.”

  “Yes, we have,” Oliver told her. She turned her head toward his voice and raised her eyebrows as if she were listening, but she never opened her eyes, “We have big plans for you, Young Lady. We’re going to show you everything there is to see in our wood.”

  “You’re very lucky. You’re going to grow up in a magical place.”

  “We’re going to let you play with elves and show you how to talk to the trees…”

  “…and
how to listen to the winds…”

  “And the whispers…”

  “We’re going to take such good care of you, Muffin, and give you so much love!”

  “And we’re all going to have so much fun, Carolena.” Oliver yawned and leaned his head against mine, “We’re going to be the first ones to show you how to laugh until it aches…”

  “And how to hold your sides so you can laugh more still.”

  “Yes,” Oliver kissed the top of my head and rested his cheek against it, “We really are going to have loads and loads of fun.”

  I was falling asleep. I could tell Oliver was, too. Caro was already long gone.

  “Thank you, Just Silvia,” Oliver whispered into my hair as he slumped against me. “She’s perfect. She’s absolutely, unbelievably flawless.”

  “You’re welcome,” I think I answered him before I was asleep, but I’m not sure.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  It took a couple of weeks, but how beautiful she became! Carolena didn’t look like an ape at all once she got done being all squished. She looked like a right little lady, all chubby and full of toothless smiles.

  When Carolena was born she had a head full of dark brown hair and we were sure she looked like her father. Within a week or so, however, it all fell out and was replaced with a coat of orange peach fuzz. That peachy fuzz soon became tiny auburn locks which grew quickly into great spiral curls almost the exact colour of shiny copper. Her eyes, however, were a deep cocoa brown that shined in the light, just like her daddy’s. She was our perfect combination, our little chocolate dipped cherry muffin. She was more wonderful than we’d ever hoped she’d be.

  Carolena was a happy baby. She spent her time doing what all happy babies do…eating, sleeping, messing nappies, spitting up and laughing at her parents. She had a lot to laugh at, no doubt, because we had no idea of what we were doing and were always teasing each other about it. In particular, though, she found her grand mum to be extremely entertaining. Ana could not walk into a room without Caro bursting into a fit of giggles. It was obvious she stole her Nana's heart from the word go.

  “She’s the best present ever!” Ana told me on her birthday when we’d stopped by to wish her well. She was holding the baby’s bottle as Caro stared intently into her eyes, “Four months old already, she is! I have a granddaughter! After years of nothing but stinky, naughty boys, finally a sweet baby girl! What a relief!” Caro giggled and spat milk everywhere. Ana’s smile widened, “And look! Everything’s a blasted joke to her! Bless her! She gets that from her dad!”

  Oliver started taking Caro outside as soon as he felt it was warm enough for her to go. Most of the time she would look about in fascination at the sun sparkling through the leaves or she would sleep on her daddy’s shoulder as he walked her around. Sometimes we would take her out and lay her on a blanket with Duncan, who boldly protected her from the flies by snapping them before they landed, while Oliver and I sat and talked about our life and our thoughts. We made sure that we didn’t lose touch with each other as he became more and more busy at work and I became more and more focused on the baby. We’d stay up late at night and made love under that woollen blanket and then lie close together and watch the stars in the sky through the window in our room. That was our time, when it was quiet everyone else was asleep. That was when we were able to make the whole world disappear and have it be just the two of us, like we knew it was always meant to be.

  “I love you, Just Silvia,” He’d whisper, “I’m so glad you’re mine.”

  We were so young and so in love. Life was nearly perfect.

  For us, at least it was. But not for Alexander. His life was unstable to say the least. He had gotten a position with a small architecture firm and was getting great experience, but wasn’t making much money. He, Melissa and Nigel were still living in their tiny flat and the stress of the small quarters combined with the constant financial strain and pressures of a baby seemed to be taking a toll on them.

  Oliver thought that it might be good to have us all go out on a Saturday night. I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to be in close proximity with Melissa, but at the same time I missed my brother and wanted to spend time with him any way I could. We made arrangements to meet with the two of them at a nice restaurant at seven and were still sitting at the table alone when eight rolled round.

  Oliver checked his watch, “I guess it’s our date then,” He smiled at me over the candle, “Although it’s not like Alexander to be late to a good time.”

  I nodded and glanced toward the door, “I suppose they’re not coming? I’m starving, Ollie. Can we order now?”

  It was just after our food arrived that Alexander made his appearance. It was obvious that there was something wrong as he slipped into the chair opposite his brother. “Sorry I’m late,” He didn’t try to hide his obvious annoyance. I noticed his cheeks were flushed and the collar of his shirt was flipped up as if to hide his neck. He flicked a glance in my direction and didn’t smile.

  “Hi, Sil. You look nice.”

  I wasn't sure he'd even really seen me.

  “No worries,” Oliver assured him, not bothering to smile, either, “Where’s your wife?”

  Alex hesitated for just a second as he lifted his menu, “I don’t know,” He motioned to the server, “Can I get a whiskey, please? No ice.”

  Uh-oh. Whiskey no ice. Trouble in paradise, that was. I glanced at Oliver and noticed that he had not even touched his plate. I watched the two of them stare at each other, lost in one of those silent conversations they were so famous for leaving me out of. Their dark eyes darted against each other and I knew that there were things that I didn't know.

  I despised it when they would do that to me. It frightened me. I hated when there was something wrong and I couldn’t fix it…or worse, I wasn’t given the opportunity to try.

  “You don’t know where your wife is?” I couldn’t help it, I laughed out loud, interrupting their dialogue, but it was not a laugh like anything was funny at all. It was quite the opposite. “Well, where’s your son then?”

  Alexander broke away from his brother and looked directly at me. The waitress returned with his drink and he thanked her without moving his eyes from my face. “Yes, Silvia, I said I don’t know where she is. Our son is with my mother. Thank you for your concern.”

  “What’s wrong with your neck?” Those two were not going to leave me out of whatever was happening. Plus, if Alexander was going to be snippy with me I was going to give it right back to him, “Got a gigantic love bite, do you?”

  “Tell her,” Oliver said in a low voice, taking a bite of his asparagus, “Or I’m going to.”

  “Well,” Alex leaned back in the chair with his whiskey held in the palm of his hand, “Since you make it a point to make everything your business, especially things that are not, I’ll tell you. Just to shut you up.” He paused, waiting for my reaction. I gave him none, so he continued, “Melissa and I had a fight. Melissa and I fight a lot, actually, and sometimes it’s worse than others. Tonight we had a fight about coming here with the two of you. She didn't want to come. I did. She told me to make a choice between the two of you and her. I chose the two of you. She chose to take my car and drive away with it, which is why I am so late. I walked from Mum‘s.”

  “So what’s with your neck then?”

  “Oh,” He looked toward the ceiling casually and took a sip of his drink before he turned back to me, “She scratched me.” He turned down his collar so I could see three long, red claw marks that ran from his jaw almost to his clavicle. The skin wasn't broken, but you could see clearly where the blood had risen beneath it to just below the surface.

  I gasped. We were all silent for a moment, except for the clink of Alex setting his now empty whiskey glass on the table.

  “She does this a lot then?” I couldn’t believe it, “She scratches you?”

  Xander’s eyes narrowed, “Sometimes. But, listen,” He leaned forward, “I’m hungry and I’m look
ing to get drunk, so let’s not discuss the blackness that becomes my life. Tell me about your perfect world, you two.”

  There was so much acid in his voice that I found myself looking down at my plate. I was suddenly not at all hungry.

  What a horrible dinner. Alexander ate nothing and got drunk on whiskey. Oliver was unnaturally quiet and didn't drink at all and me, I just seethed.

  I couldn't remember ever hating anybody as much as I hated Melissa. Alex was many things. He could be rude, snide, cold, and plain old scrupleless, but beneath it all he had a heart as big as the sea and a kindness that was unforgettable if he ever chose it to show you. But even more than that, when Xander loved somebody, he loved them deeply, endlessly, and there wasn't a thing he wouldn't do for the object of that affection. Alexander loved his family. He loved his parents and he loved me as his sister, but he especially loved Oliver. The connection those two had was something that can't really be quantified. It was psychic, like they shared not only the same interests, but in many ways, the same mind. They were a permanent part of each other. Making him choose between her and Oliver went beyond cruel and unfair. It was sinful.

  But she did. She made him choose and it went on like that. The times when he'd choose her, she didn't have an outburst. The times when he'd choose Oliver, she would. Seeing me was completely out of the question, even with Oliver, but it did happen from time to time. It hurt, knowing he was choosing her over me, knowing that I could be let go like that. I knew Xander didn't mean anything by it. I knew in his mind it was a temporary solution. I knew as well that he knew I knew it. He expected me to know it and be patient with him, so I was. But it didn't make it hurt any less. That old sense of shame, of abandonment, of not being good enough or worthy of love, bubbled up from deep within and took its familiar spot as a sickening brick sitting in my stomach.

  I'd see Xander on occasion when he came by to collect his brother or on visits at their parent's house. He was usually alone. He seemed fine, but there was a tension about him that was different from the man we knew. Sometimes it was unavoidable not to have us all in the same place, Melissa included. She was both distant and pouting or appeared perfectly normal and engaged us all in conversation, but her mood could turn on a pin’s head and her anger was always aimed directly at Alexander. She made no secret when he displeased her. In fact, she seemed to find great pleasure in taking it out on him in public.