Still Not Over You

by Barbara Lohr

  Her own anger flared. “Oh, great. You’re going to make me sell it, aren’t you? You’re going to kick me out of my home––”

  When he pointed a finger at her, she stopped. “No, Phoebe Hunicutt. Stay here as long as you like. Remember how we were here together, every minute of it. And then ask yourself if I’ve changed.”

  Frantic now, she had to clarify things. “But Ryder if you sign the contract, we won’t even have to get married again. We’ll just have this understanding.”

  His face turned pale. “That’s just frigging great, Phoebe. So if one of us gets pissed about something, we can just walk away? Is that what you want? An escape hatch?”

  “No, that’s not what I want.” How could she make him understand? “That’s not it at all.”

  When Ryder ripped open the door, she thought he’d tear it right off the hinges.

  What had she done? “Don’t go, Ryder. Please don’t go. Don’t leave me.” She hobbled toward him until she stood in the doorway.

  Marching through the darkness, he didn’t even turn around. When had it started to rain? A fine mist coated her skin as she stumbled after him. Sobbing, she didn’t feel the rain. Didn’t feel the ground squishing beneath her bare feet.

  When he reached the Harley, he turned. But she couldn’t see his expression, only the hollow of eyes. Were those tears on his cheeks or just the rain? Twisting, he crammed his bag into the back, swung one leg over and snapped on his helmet. Then he roared off.

  Phoebe was left there, sobbing and empty.

  “This is all my fault,” she told Fernando, staggering past him back into the cottage.

  You got that right.

  The darn bird wouldn’t even look at her.

  ~.~

  Ryder nearly killed himself driving up Red Arrow. At first he didn’t have his lights on until a car honked at him. Crouched over the Harley, he felt like he was crashing through an invisible wall of pain.

  And he blamed himself.

  Phoebe was trying to protect herself...from him. He gave a harsh laugh, thinking back to the days when he thought he was a stud muffin, as his sisters had called him back then, and not in a nice way. Stephanie and Lisa had tried to knock him down a peg or two. But his dad was right. The two had spoiled him. He’d grown up thinking the earth revolved around him.

  But tonight? If he couldn’t be with Phoebe, then what was the point? When the double truck came up in the left hand lane, it just made him mad. Crouching lower, he opened it up. Knowing this was dangerous as hell, he passed the truck on the right just as the guy started to change to the right lane. Was she worth dying for? Right then, he thought yes. What did he have to live for anyway?

  But his dad’s ugly mug came to mind. He eased up. Yeah, Stanley would never get over that one. Ryder couldn’t do that to his dad. It was going to be hard enough telling his father that their plans hadn’t worked. The mission had failed.

  The garage was dark when he pulled in. Everyone had gone home, and the only light was the one beaming over their sign. When he drove around back, the motion detector clicked on floodlights. First he opened the back door and then rolled up the wide garage door before wheeling the Hawg inside.

  For the first time ever, the smell of the shop didn’t feel like home. He stood in the darkness and sniffed. No, that prissy pink cottage had become home. Home was the mismatched kitchen that now had to be switched out by some other guy. Home was that porch with the tongue and groove ceiling, and the table Phoebe wanted to paint, not that she ever finished anything. But he’d had hopes. They’d had fun at that table. They’d sat there and played checkers. Strangest foreplay ever, when he’d said “King me,” and Phoebe had carefully placed another chip on his with her neon green nails. The nails he knew would be making grooves in his back that night.

  He didn’t even want to think about the half-pink bedroom and the fancy white metal bed frame. He’d kind of gotten used to them. The loss deepened into despair. He’d imagined them making their babies in that bedroom. Their family, together. Throwing back his head, Ryder howled with loss. His anguish echoed from the cinderblock walls. He had to get a hold of himself.

  His father had left everything in a corner, including his one-man gym. No way was he hauling all this back upstairs. Not tonight. Now he set up the gym, piece by piece. Enjoying the clang of metal on metal, he welcomed every bruise when he missed a juncture and pinched his hand. When he finally got the equipment into position, he stripped down to his shorts and wrapped a bandana tight around his forehead.

  Then he ran through his routine at a punishing speed, again and again, taking a break only to hydrate. Getting into the zone, he worked his body until his palms were peeling under the gloves, and every muscle in his body screamed at him to stop.

  The night sky was lightening to gray when he dragged himself upstairs.

  ~.~

  The following day Phoebe called Diana. “Can you drive me to the doctor tomorrow? I have to get my cast taken off.” She was sniffling.

  “Sure, but where’s Ryder? Hey, are you crying?”

  “He’s gone and yes, I’m crying.”

  Her friend gently extracted the story from Phoebe in fragments, like slivers of her heart. It took a while for Diana to get it. Phoebe had to keep doubling back. If she couldn’t make her friend understand, then how had she expected Ryder to know how she felt?

  “A contract, huh?”

  “Am I totally stupid? I spent the whole night after Ryder left straightening my cupboards.”

  “I guess sometimes it’s hard knowing what to do.” Diana wasn’t answering the question. “What time should I be there to pick you up tomorrow morning?”

  “Nine thirty.” So she was totally stupid.

  After they hung up, Phoebe took a seat on the porch and turned to Fernando.

  “Well that was great.” Snatching a tissue from the side table, she blew her nose. “I can’t even explain this to my close friend.”

  Matters of the heart sometimes cannot be explained.

  How did this bird get to be so wise?

  “I did a half ass job.” She’d have to put cream on her nose. It was that red. “I don’t explain things right. Me and my stupid contract.”

  Yes. You have a point.

  “He didn’t like it.”

  Trust me, no man would.

  “Oh great. Now you tell me.” Leaving the porch, she wished Fernando were a real bird, the kind you could cover with a towel so he’d shut up. Maybe if he were a female flamingo, then he’d understand. Where was that darn yellow tablet? She ripped through the cottage, yanking cupboards open and pulling out drawers. But she never found it.

  That night she hardly slept. The bed felt so empty.

  In the morning she was up before dawn. Down on the beach, she walked and walked in her cast, picking up stones and then skipping them across the waves that were just starting to build. Everything here reminded her of Ryder. The shoreline where they’d sat and talked about nothing in particular. The dunes where he’d spread out the blanket. Even the grass that he liked to work in his mouth.

  His mouth, his lips. The way he sang off tune. Ryder.

  Life felt empty when she dragged herself up the stairs. Thank goodness the cast was coming off today.

  Of course Diana grilled her the moment she got in the yellow VW. “Do you have a cold?” Diana stared her red nose.

  “No. I’ve got the blues.”

  Diana put the car in reverse. “Maisy will be heartbroken. She wouldn’t stop talking about Ryder. I think Will was a little jealous.”

  “Diana, I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

  “Okay.” But her friend kept checking on her in the rearview mirror.

  Thank goodness Dr. Swanson was on schedule. But one look at her when he entered the room and he stopped, her chart in hand. “Do you have a cold or something?”

  “No, it’s nothing.” But his nurse gave Phoebe a sympathetic look. Sometimes women just knew. Thankfully, th
e conversation turned to the weather.

  Half an hour later, she was back in Diana’s car, surprised that she didn’t feel more relieved. The cast had dragged her down for six weeks. But with Ryder there, it hadn’t felt that bad. No, he’d carried her down to the beach. Emptied the dishwasher so she wouldn’t have to bend over. All the sweet things he’d done came back now, cold comfort.

  “How does your leg feel?” Diana asked as they drove back to Gull Harbor.

  “Like it hasn’t been used in a while.” She stared down at the toes Ryder had painted neon green and flamingo pink that night. The color was a bright contrast to the pale leg that hadn’t seen the sun all summer.

  “How did you ever manage to polish your toes?”

  “Don’t ask,” Phoebe said, digging in her purse for another tissue.

  “Okay, I won’t.” Silence. “But he did that for you? Really?”

  “Yes. Yes, he did.” The list was long of Ryder’s wonderfulness.

  “How totally cool. And hot.”

  Phoebe turned on the radio.

  When they reached the cottage, Diana pulled into the driveway where Ryder’s black truck still sat. Stanley or Mick would probably have to drive Ryder down here one day. Phoebe sure didn’t want to be around when that happened. How could she ever face Stanley?

  “Are you okay here alone?” Diana asked.

  “Of course. I’ll be fine.” Sliding out of the car, Phoebe balanced on both feet. She felt curiously light. The whole world felt strange. Strange and awful, without Ryder.

  Getting out of the car, Diana came around, her eyes on the cottage. “This looks terrific. No wonder Maisy wants to move in. She told us our condo was totally boring.”

  “He worked hard on it.” The lawn looked so tidy from when he’d cut it. “Maisy did a great job with the weeds.”

  “She enjoyed being here.”

  Phoebe jammed her key in the lock and pushed the door open. Diana followed her into the kitchen that now felt so empty.

  Looking around, Diana said. “So what’s your plan?”

  Phoebe glanced over at the unfinished table on the porch and knew she’d never finish it. “Guess I’ll go in to work. Give Jen and Carly a break.” But she shrank from the questions people were sure to ask.

  “Don’t worry. People aren’t talking about you.”

  “Yet.” Phoebe threw Diana a crooked smile. “No, I’ll just finish things up here.” She had no idea what.

  “Okay. See you tomorrow night for book group?”

  “Right. See you then. And thanks, Diana. Thanks a lot.”

  Diana gave her a tight hug at the back door. “Things will work out. You’ll see. You two love each other. Whatever it is, you can handle it.”

  Phoebe wished she had Diana’s certainty.

  Later that evening, after choking down half of a frozen pizza, she went into her therapist’s office. “Is this how it’s going to be, Fernando? People will feel sorry for me. They’ll have questions.”

  On the other side of the screen, Fernando didn’t blink an eye. Curiosity is a very human thing.

  “So birds don’t have it?”

  Her metal sculpture fell silent.

  Another man letting her down.

  But Ryder hadn’t let her down. Not this time. So what was this all about? Trust. And her lack of it.

  The following evening, she drove herself to Diana’s house. It felt good to be behind the wheel again, but it sucked that the car still smelled like Ryder. When she reached Diana’s, she made herself get out. Although she hadn’t read the book, that never had mattered in the past. Not with this group.

  “Hey,” Diana said when she answered the door. “Everything okay?”

  “Fine,” she said brightly, stepping inside.

  “Hey, girl.” Kate looked up from the bowl of guacamole. “Don’t mind me. I’m pregnant and raging hungry.”

  But no amount of joking could lift Phoebe’s mood.

  “So your cast’s off, huh?” Kate kept eating.

  “Right. You like my two tone tan?” As long as they were discussing her tan and not her heart, this evening might be doable.

  Chili and Sarah piled in not long after that. Soon everyone had a margarita in hand. Since she was driving herself home, Phoebe was sticking to water tonight.

  “How is the leg?” Chili asked.

  Phoebe looked down.

  “What? Que pasa? You look at your leg like it is some new thing you did not know you had.”

  “Fine, I guess.” Everything felt off. Everyone’s eyes were on her, and Phoebe felt their questioning weight.

  “Want to discuss the story?” Diana asked. “Tense right, this mystery?”

  Ah, a diversion tactic. Phoebe sent Diana a grateful smile.

  “Not as tense as it is in this room,” Kate said slowly, her eyes circling between Phoebe and Diana. “What’s going on, Phoebe? You’re usually so cheerful. How’s Ryder?”

  No one moved. Did anyone even breathe? Chili’s glass hung in mid-air.

  “Gone.” The word sounded as empty as she felt.

  “What happened? You were so happy, no?” Slowly, Chili set her glass on the coffee table.

  Talk about being a buzz kill. Her friends stared at her. “It’s just that. Well, I’m not sure...”

  “Oh, Phoebe.” Sarah’s eyes warmed. “You don’t have to tell us. Not until you’re ready.”

  “I think she is ready.” Leaning forward, Chili twisted a length of her dark hair. “So what happened? He looks at you like you walk on the water.”

  Phoebe’s laugh was high and nervous. “Really?”

  “Really. Cole and I both liked him.” Kate held up her hands. “But you don’t have to share until you’re ready.”

  “But sharing the weight of your sorrow might help you.” Chili would not let this rest.

  “In the past we’d had an issue.” Surely they’d understand when she told them. And then maybe they’d have some suggestions. “Another woman.”

  “Bah! Is that what broke up your marriage?” Chili said with disgust. “Another chica?”

  “Yes, but that’s in the past. He’s changed.”

  “She is out of the picture?” Chili sat waiting. In fact they all were.

  “Oh, yes. Over and done with. Ryder and I, well, we had such a nice time together this summer.” Her voice had become choked and she cleared her throat.

  “So what’s the problem?” Kate asked.

  “I just want to be sure this time. I mean, I don’t want it to happen again.” She turned to them for answers. “How do you know?”

  Kate shrugged. “You don’t. Not really. I mean, will Cole’s ex come to town some time and steal him back? I don’t have an answer for that.”

  “Snowball’s chance in hell, Kate,” Diana said with certainty.

  “But how can you be sure?” Phoebe felt so confused. “How do you know?”

  “You don’t,” Sarah said softly. “But your heart knows. What is your heart telling you?”

  Oh, Fernando would love this.

  “My heart isn’t sure.” Pressing a hand to her chest, Phoebe felt her heart racing. “That’s why I asked him to sign a contract.”

  “Contract?” Kate gave her a blank look.

  “Oh, mama mia,” Chili murmured.

  Horror filled Kate’s face. Even sweet Sarah looked taken back by this admission.

  “No, you didn’t,” Diana murmured.

  “Yes, I did.” And with that, the contract that had seemed like the best idea in the world looked ridiculous. Who did she think she was?

  “You have a right to do whatever makes you comfortable,” Sarah said, nodding in sympathy.

  “But I’m not comfortable at all. I’m jumping out of my skin.” She was practically bouncing on the sofa.

  “How did he take it?” Kate wanted details. “I think Cole would be insulted.”

  Shaking her head, Phoebe remembered the slamming of the kitchen door. “That’s putting it m
ildly. He was furious.”

  Thumping a fist to her chest, Chili exploded. “Que hombre. Of course he was! You are trying to hog tie him with the rope.”

  The mention of the rope made Phoebe cry harder.

  “You love him, no?” Chili asked.

  “Yes, of course I do.” Great. Now she had hiccups.

  “Do you trust him?” Diana peered into her eyes. “That’s really it, isn’t it? This is a matter of trust.”

  Curling into a tight ball, Phoebe tried to shield herself from her own feelings. “I trust the Ryder I came to know this summer. And I don’t know how I’ll live without him. How will I ever do it?”

  Reaching over, Kate took her wrist. “If that’s what it comes to, you will. You will live without him.”

  “But I don’t wah-ah-ant to,” she wailed.

  By this time Diana had tears running down her cheeks and so did Sarah.

  “We will always be here for you.” Sarah set aside the book that no one had finished or wanted to discuss. “But how can you fix this?”

  There followed a ridiculous list of proposals from wrapping herself in plastic wrap and appearing at his door to just sneaking into his bed. Things got crazy. By the time Phoebe drove home that night, a million solutions circled in her brain. She could hardly sleep. What was she going to do? When she opened her cupboards the next morning, she saw the edge of her yellow pad under some platters. This was the first time one of her messes ever gave her a solution to anything.

  Chapter 22

  It had been a while since Phoebe had driven a truck. Didn’t matter. Today she was a woman with a mission. Good thing traffic was light on Red Arrow Highway. Every time she shifted, the truck jerked and bucked. Ryder would kill her if he could hear his gears grinding. But he wasn’t here. She hit the accelerator and drove.

  When she reached Branson Motors, the sun was bouncing off the green sign, and all three bays were open. The whining of a drill filled the air, along with bursts from an air pump. Choppers sat in the sunlight, waiting to be taken inside. Business as usual, but she hadn’t planned on all this activity.

  No matter, she was here. A nervous wreck when she got dressed that morning, she couldn’t decide what to wear. The July weather was so breathlessly hot. Finally she grabbed her little white skirt and the flag top. By the time she reached the garage, her hands were glued to the steering wheel with sweat. She had no idea how to work his air conditioning, not without running off the road. Wiping her hands on her skirt, she pulled onto the grass in back and got out. Her right leg buckled once in awhile. But after a couple steps, she got her balance. What she was about to do might be bold, but Fernando had agreed this was the only way to handle it.