Movie Night Murder

by Leslie Langtry

  Riley glared at me. "I've been thinking of retiring here. Maybe starting up a business."

  Soo looked from me to Riley. "You're pretty young to retire. You work for the CIA, right?"

  Normally, Riley would've cringed hearing that out loud. We were trained to be discreet. Except I noticed that anything Soo Jin said was exempt from the norm.

  "At some point—" he gave her a slow, boyish smile "—a man wants to settle down, start a family, that kind of thing. Who's There seems like the best place to do that."

  What? Riley wasn't the starting-a-family type. At all. But apparently, something about the good doctor had him all melty.

  "Don't mind him," I said smoothly. "He's just become the godfather of a baby here. It's his first experience with settling down."

  Dr. Body laughed. It sounded like wind chimes ringing. I had to admit, her charms were starting to work on me too. We made small talk for twenty minutes, and I was starting to relax. This wasn't too bad. Notice that I didn't say Soo Jin wasn't too bad. But the conversation passed the time.

  "Here you go." Carla set down a giant thin crust pizza cut up into three by three inch squared pieces. "Enjoy," she said as she walked away.

  "Whoa!" Soo said, staring at the pizza in awe.

  "I know, right?" I was giddy as I scooped up several squares on my plate. "This is the best pizza in Iowa."

  Riley frowned. "What's that liquid on top?"

  "Grease," I said through a mouthful of cheesy and meaty goodness.

  Soo and Riley exchanged glances. Neither one made a move to take a piece. Maybe I'd get lucky and they'd order something else. And I'd have the pizza all to myself.

  "Is it edible?" Soo asked, while Riley took a few pieces and began blotting them with a napkin.

  I stared at them. "Of course it's edible. I grew up on this, and I'm fine." What was wrong with these two? "And don't blot the grease, Riley! It's necessary for the flavor."

  His eyes grew wide. "It is? How is grease necessary for anything?"

  To her credit, Soo Jin sucked it up and helped herself to several pieces.

  "Well, I'll give anything a shot at least once." She popped a square into her mouth. She was still for a moment, then her eyes closed and she moaned.

  "Wow. It is good. And you're right about the grease!" she gushed.

  Okay. So I liked her a little now. I turned my attention to Riley. He looked at his plate and finally picked up a square and took a tiny nibble. I was on my eleventh piece already.

  "I mean, this isn't what I'm used to," Soo said. "We're pretty health conscious in San Francisco. But this is wonderful!"

  I nodded. "I've been to the City by the Bay. Wait till you hit an Italian place here. You can stand a fork up in the alfredo sauce."

  I loved San Francisco. But I didn't love the food. Too healthy. The alfredo sauce there looked just like wet noodles. After a few days I found myself practically crawling into a dark hole-in-the-wall and begging for a greasy burger with heaps of melted cheese. When I asked them to put cheese on my fries, and then dipped them in ranch dressing, a woman fainted.

  Good stuff.

  Soo laughed. And it was the most charming laugh in the history of charming laughter. It was really hard not to like her. Jealousy seemed to be my primary motivation. But that wasn't very fair. And what's wrong with her flirting with Riley? I had Rex. And I was over Riley. Totally.

  "This might be inappropriate, and if so, I'm sorry." Riley placed his hand over his heart and turned the charm up to eleven. "But Detective Ferguson filled us in on Seamus Bailey."

  Dr. Body nodded and popped another piece of pizza into her mouth. Riley took that as approval.

  "Did he die from smoke inhalation or the burns?" He pasted on his saddest look.

  "Neither," Soo said as she wiped the grease from her fingers.

  Riley looked confused, "Neither? Then what did he die from?"

  Soo looked from Riley to me. "I just told Rex, so I guess it's okay to tell you. He died of a gunshot wound to the back of the head."

  "He was shot? Then the fire was merely camouflage!" I said.

  Soo nodded. "From the angle of penetration, I'd guess that he was shot execution style and at close range."

  I slumped in my chair. Well, that sucked. That meant this mystery couple was way more dangerous than we'd thought.

  "Thanks for telling us," Riley said, and Soo almost started purring. He had that way with women. He'd had that way with me once too.

  There was an uncomfortable silence. The pizza was nearly gone. I guessed I wouldn't be taking any home.

  "I have a professional question, Soo," I said. "Does working with cadavers dampen your appetite? Because it would mine."

  Soo laughed. "Not really. I've got a pretty strong stomach. And I'm used to it."

  Used to it? Who gets used to it?

  She saw the confusion in our eyes and smiled. "My dad was an anatomy professor at a California medical school. I've been around dissected people since I was twelve."

  Okay, that was weird. I was sorry I'd asked. Who drags their kid along to dissect humans? Her dad sounded a bit like a psycho.

  Riley stared at her. "That's fascinating! So that's why you decided to become an M.E.?"

  "Well, that and I'm basically pretty shy," she said.

  Riiiiiiiiiiiight.

  Soo continued, "So being around dead people all day is more relaxing than having to make conversation all day."

  She seemed to have no trouble with that now.

  "That's an interesting way to look at it." Riley grinned.

  No it wasn't. It was just another way for Riley to try to seduce her. My former boss had a talent for putting people at ease and making them feel like the most fascinating person on earth. It was a gift for a CIA operative. And a necessity for a seducer.

  "Are you all moved in?" I asked as I kicked Riley under the table.

  Soo took a drink of iced tea before answering. "I think so. My house is on an isolated stretch of road on the edge of town. Very peaceful. But also lonely."

  What? She just told us she was shy and didn't like being around people.

  "Do you like cats?" Riley asked.

  Uh-oh. I had a bad feeling where this was going.

  Soo clapped her hands in delight. "I love cats! I wanted to get a pair of kittens in San Francisco, but I was too busy and worked a lot of hours. But now, things are much slower here. I should definitely look into it."

  "Look no further." Riley smiled. "Merry's cat just had kittens. And they're weaned. I'd bet she'd love to give you two of them."

  It was all I could do not to jump out of my seat and snap his neck. Really? He was giving my cats away? And to her?

  "Ooooh!" Soo cried. "I'd love to see them! Would you really part with a couple? That would be perfect!"

  "Well, actually, I…"

  Riley cut me off, "Why don't you stop by now? We're just heading home anyway."

  "Uh, Riley, don't you think…" I tried again.

  "I would love that!" Soo squealed. "I'll just follow you home!"

  I tried to think of something to say. I really did. But my mind had been blown and wouldn't be itself for a while yet. Why did Riley do that? They weren't his cats. And it wasn't his home! This was getting way out of hand. But what could I do? I had to follow through with it.

  Riley paid the bill and as we walked to our car, said, "I'll ride with you, Soo. That way if Merry loses us, I can get you there."

  "Thank you," Soo enthused. "I know it's not a city, but I still haven't fully found my way around yet."

  So, there I was, driving my car back to my house with Soo and Riley trailing behind. I toyed with slamming on the brakes so they'd rear end me. Or maybe I could call Kelly and have her run over and hide the kittens. Anything to keep this woman away from my cats.

  Oh, come on, Wrath, I thought. She's not a bad sort. She's smart and ugly-challenged. Soo would probably be a good owner. But still, they were my kittens. And how would Philby ta
ke losing two of three of her babies?

  The thought made me sad. For a moment I thought maybe I could lose her car. But Riley knew the way. Maybe I could make a break for Des Moines. But then, even though Riley didn't have a key, he could still get in easily. And with me gone, there'd be some action going on in my house…and it wouldn't include me.

  There was no way out of it. I was stuck. Stupid Riley. Living where he isn't supposed to and giving away pets that aren't his. Oh, he was gonna get it. I'd make sure of that. I was just plotting my revenge as I pulled into the driveway.

  Later tonight, I was running to the drugstore for some Nair. If I put enough in his shampoo, he'd learn that messing with me was a bad idea. The thought made me smile as I unlocked the front door to welcome Soo Jin into my home.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Hopefully, I thought as I waited for them to come in, Philby will act in such a way that Soo would feel bad about taking her kittens. I tried to communicate with my cat telepathically. Philby farted in response.

  The kittens came flying from the kitchen, and soon all four cats were sitting there, lined up and staring at me. That was weird. Did I forget to feed them? I scooped up Martini. There was no way this woman was getting my Elvis look-alike.

  Riley and Soo came through the door, and the woman actually squealed before getting down on her knees and pulling the remaining cats to her chest. To my complete horror, they all purred. Even Philby. Traitors.

  "They're so adorable!" Soo scratched Bond and Moneypenny's heads. She looked up at me and spotted Martini. Then she looked at Philby.

  Don't say it…

  "Mama looks like Hitler, and that one looks like Elvis!"

  Oh gee…I've never heard that before…

  Riley walked past us, and I heard him opening a bottle of wine in the kitchen. I was still clutching Martini to my chest when he came back in with three glasses.

  "Why did you dye your cat pink?" Soo asked as she tentatively reached out to Philby. "Did you want to match your bangs?"

  It took every ounce of strength not to play Smack the Coroner.

  "My Girl Scout troop played a little prank on Philby and me at a sleepover."

  "Lock-in," Riley corrected. He reached to take Martini out of my arms but the look on my face must've changed his mind.

  "I think Merry is very attached to Martini," he told Soo. "So she's off the table."

  None of my cats should've been on the table to begin with, but how could I say that now without coming off as a total jerk?

  Riley helped the doctor to her feet and led her to the couch. The two of them sat down. Where was I going to sit? It's not like I had much furniture. It had taken me a year to finally take down my Dora the Explorer sheets and put up drapes. Setting up housekeeping wasn't my thing. So I sat down on the floor, still clutching Martini.

  Philby and her remaining kittens trotted over to the couch and jumped up between the two. Then they climbed onto Riley and immediately fell asleep.

  "Moneypenny," Riley pointed to the girl, "and Bond," he indicated her brother, "is a boy."

  Soo reached over and picked up the sleeping kittens, setting them in her lap. They didn't move. The traitors.

  "Are you absolutely sure you can part with them, Merry?" Soo turned her eyes onto me.

  For a moment, I thought I could get out of this. Maybe I could guilt her into leaving them. I've talked more than one person out of something they'd wanted. There was a Sherpa in Nepal—I'd convinced him that he really didn't like the snow anymore. He now lives in Florida. Yep. I'm that good.

  But looking into her eager eyes and saying no would be like launching a puppy from a trebuchet into shark-infested waters. I suddenly felt bad for possibly depriving this lonely woman from some furry company.

  However, these were my kittens, and I wasn't ready to give them up. Each cat had its own little quirks that I loved. For example, Moneypenny was a naughty little thing who purred when she was doing something bad—like unrolling all the toilet paper from the spool in the bathroom. Bond was the leader when it came to climbing the curtains. He started, and the girls always followed. This little boy also circled his food before eating it, as if it would explode at any moment (an excellent trait in a spy).

  And Martini was my box cat. If there was a box anywhere in the house, her radar would go off, and she'd be in it before it hit the floor. I've seen her crawl into everything from a box of Girl Scout Cookies to a Milk Dud box (the latter without much success, I might add). How could I part with any of these little hellions?

  "If you have any doubts," I said, "you can wait until you're ready." A date that would hopefully never come.

  Soo Jin shook her head. "Oh, I couldn't take them for a couple of weeks. I'm going to paint every room before I unpack."

  Riley spoke up. "Wrath could—"

  This time I cut him off. "I could keep them until you're ready. Really and truly ready. There's no hurry. Take your time."

  I knew what he was going to say. That bastard was going to offer me up to help the woman paint. I don't like to paint. Ever. Which is why my walls are the same color they were when I'd moved in. White. All white. If they'd been green with yellow polka dots before I moved in, they'd be green with yellow polka dots now. Actually—I'd kind of like that idea. I wonder if Kelly would do that for me.

  "Great! I'll take them!" Soo sang out.

  Great. Thanks Riley. You're definitely getting Nair in your shampoo now. And it wouldn't be the first time the CIA tried that. Back in the 1960s the Agency tried twice to do the same thing to Fidel Castro. One time—they were going to put a depilatory dust in his boots to make the hair in his beard fall out (things didn't work out), and another time they made a special batch of hair removing cigars (also fell through—not surprisingly). The theory was that losing his beard would psychologically affect his sense of machismo.

  Obviously men came up with this plan. I think if a woman had been there, she would've asked questions along the line of…why? Who cares if his hair falls out? Like that would make a difference. I've never heard of a world leader who lost his mind because he'd lost his hair. And a woman wouldn't collapse if her hair fell out. She'd just use it as an opportunity to buy fancy wigs.

  I was just wondering if Maria could get me the old formula for involuntary hair removal, when the doorbell rang.

  "I'll get it!" I jumped to my feet, eager to get away from any conversation where I'd lose more pets and volunteer to build Soo Jin a summer home.

  "Oh, hey!" I said as Kelly stood on my doorstep. "Come in."

  Yes! My best friend was here, and she'd be on my side against the Riley/Soo Jin onslaught I was facing. If I'd been alone with them one minute longer I'd probably find myself massaging her feet every night before she went to bed.

  "Dr. Soo Jin Body," I said as I yanked Kelly into the living room. "Meet my best friend, Kelly Roberts."

  Kelly grinned and shook the coroner's hand. "You're the new medical examiner, right?"

  Soo Jin looked a little confused. "Yes. That's right."

  "I'm an ER nurse at the hospital," Kelly explained. "I'm on maternity leave right now, but I'll be back to work next month."

  Dr. Body fluttered her eyelashes beguilingly. Ha! Good luck with that! Kelly could see through that crap. She was pretty straight-forward and didn't like messing around. This was one human Soo Jin wouldn't be able to flirt with.

  "You have that beautiful baby everyone's talking about!" Soo Jin clasped her hands to her chest. "I'm so happy to meet you. I'm sure we'll be best friends."

  Good luck with that, Dr. Body—Kelly already has a best friend…me. I turned to Kelly, awaiting her gloriously biting response.

  "I'd love that," Kelly gushed. "I'll bring Finn by in a day or two so you can meet her!"

  What. The. Hell. Where was that woman who saw through all my bluster? Where was the friend who stood back and gauged people before warming to them? Maybe Riley was right and post-pregnancy was scrambling her brains—turnin
g her into Who's There's version of a Stepford Wife.

  "Dr. Body is going to take Bond and Moneypenny," I said to Kelly, wiggling my eyebrows meaningfully.

  Kelly looked from me to Soo and back to me again. "That's great!"

  Not the reaction I wanted. I was kind of hoping for something along the lines of, Oh no! How horrible! You can't take Merry's kittens! You're a monster!

  "You only need Philby and Martini," Kelly said to me with a nod.

  I wanted to disagree. I wanted to ask her where my best friend had gone. And I kind of wanted to remind her that I knew things…things she wouldn't want a teenage Finn to know about. I wasn't above blackmail when necessary.

  But for some reason it came out as, "Yes, I agree. I need to be responsible."

  "Speaking of which," Kelly looked at me. "Do you have a moment?"

  I turned to Riley and Soo. "Excuse us."

  I led Kelly to my back yard, and we sat in my new glider. I loved that thing. Made of wood with some cushions I got somewhere, it was one of my favorite make out spots with Rex. Of course, I had no intention of making out with Kelly.

  "You don't have to say anything!" I held my hand up as she joined me. "I totally know."

  Kelly cocked her head to the side. "You do?"

  I nodded, "Yes. Dr. Body is awful, and Riley offered up my kittens before I could stop him."

  "What do you mean, she's awful?" Kelly frowned. "She seems pretty nice to me. And Riley is just trying to bring you to your senses. You're one cat away from becoming a crazy cat hoarder."

  Okay…not quite what I'd expected her to say.

  "I don't want to give up Bond and Moneypenny!" I pouted. "And Riley has no business even staying here, let alone disposing of my pets."

  "That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Riley's here for a reason, isn't he?"

  Uh-oh. Now I was stuck. Kelly had figured out what was going on in spite of Riley's post-pregnancy brain scramble theory.

  "You might as well tell me now." Kelly folded her arms over her chest. Where was this version of Kelly when I'd introduced her to the sultry, cat-stealing coroner?

  I took a deep breath and let it out. "He's here because of Evelyn."