by Erica Penrod
He knew her better than the backside of a bronc; she was the only thing he worked at harder than rodeo. Sitting next to her, not able to touch her, the irrevocable damage he’d done to the innocence of their life together bloomed inside, bringing him to his knees. They were two kids who loved with everything they had until he threw it away with both hands, and now he didn’t know how to fix it. Worse was that she didn’t want to, and he couldn’t blame her.
“Where are we going?” she asked, as the breeze blew a lock of hair into her face. She swiped at it, then tucked it behind her ear.
“St. George. I’m sure we can find maternity clothes there.” He glanced at her while she softly sang along with the radio. The concentrated looked on her face told him she was sorting shopping destinations by price.
“How about the mall?” Jaxon said.
She stopped singing. “You hate the mall.” Her nose scrunched up as she emphasized the word hate.
Oh, she was adorable. Janie was always beautiful, but it was the little things that separated her from any other woman he’d ever met. In anyone else, her idiosyncrasies would’ve annoyed the heck out of him, but in Janie, they made him love her more.
“I’m buying, so the sky’s the limit,” he said, as he took the on ramp for the freeway. He rolled up the windows but left the sunroof open, wanting more of her in the light.
She looked over at him, and her eyes were cold and frozen. “I don’t want your money. I never did.”
Jaxon set the cruise control and tried not to overreact. “It’s not about the money. It’s about me wanting to do something nice for you. I want to take care of you and our baby. I finally have the means to do it.” He loosened his handle on the steering wheel and wiped his palm on his jeans.
“But you don’t have me,” she whispered, barely audible above the radio.
He turned down the music. “I know that, but it doesn’t have to be that way.”
“I never needed anything more than all of you,” she said, and he could see her eyes soften with moisture.
“You’ve always had my heart,” he said. “I know I screwed up, but everything I did was for us, for the ranch and our future.”
Janie dabbed at her eyes with her fingertips. “Believe me, I know that.”
“Then why can’t you forgive me for letting it all go to my head?”
She let out a deep breath. “I don’t want to fight with you. Let’s talk about something else.”
Jaxon felt fire in his belly as she changed the subject, and it frustrated him, but it was exactly what he’d done to her for the past two years. Every time she asked about what happened out on the road or wanted details about a picture she’d seen in the press, he pushed it aside and told her everything was fine. He’d trampled on her trust, never giving her anything other than the past to hold on to, until one day it wasn’t enough.
They rode in silence until he found a space large enough for a truck in the crowded parking lot. He hopped out quickly and tried to make it around before she had the chance to open the door. He caught it as it swung open, and he reached for her hand as she stepped down onto the running board. Her eyes met his, and he was desperate to change her mind. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t want to argue, either. Let’s go have some fun.” He helped her down. “Shopping for clothes—” He raised his eyebrows and put a false grin on his face. “—is one of my favorite things to do.”
“Sarcasm was always one of your best traits,” she said, pulling her hand from his.
They walked into the mall and were bombarded by teenagers and the smell of Chinese food as they passed the food court. Jaxon walked over to a directory and searched from A to Z.
“What exactly am I looking for?” he asked. “Does every store have a maternity section?”
“I don’t know,” Janie said, adjusting her purse on her shoulder. “How about we start over there?” She pointed to one of the major department stores.
An hour later, Jaxon sat outside the dressing room, feeling like he had a front row seat in heaven as Janie modeled for him. He could kick himself for all the times he whined about shopping with her when they were married. At first, she was reluctant to come out of the dressing room, but he finally coaxed her into showing him the T-shirt with the tight top and loose belly. One look at her with his child growing in her womb, and he was speechless … for about ten seconds. Then other thoughts clouded his judgment.
“If you keep looking at me like that, then the fashion show is over,” Janie said, as she inspected herself in the mirror.
“Like what?”
“Like the time we went shopping for a bridesmaid dress for Brynna’s wedding …”
Jaxon felt his pulse race with the memory of that night. “Oh …”
Janie tugged on the hem of a shirt. “So yeah, I’m not your wife anymore.” Her words could’ve been the knockout punch, but she said them with a smile, and he could see her eyes teasing him.
“You’re right. Those kinds of thoughts won’t do me any good when I go home alone tonight.” He sank back into his chair and moaned at the thought of sleeping without her.
“You’re not alone. You’ve got your dad and Race,” Janie said, as she ducked into the dressing room.
“Go ahead and kick me while I’m down.”
He knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t help watching her feet dance beneath the door as she changed. Was it normal to be attracted to a woman’s feet? He was missing her more than he believed possible, mesmerized by toes in bright red polish.
The door flung open, and she stepped out in a long turquoise dress. It was high-waisted, and the light material flowed to the ground, showing off her curves in all the right places. Her swollen tummy was barely visible until she turned to the side. The blue-green hue flattered her dark skin, and her blue eyes sparkled like a ring he’d bought for her last year from a Native American woman along a stretch of Arizona highway. It was his favorite color on her, and she knew it, but he couldn’t decide if she was torturing him on purpose or if she genuinely liked the dress.
“Wow,” he said.
“You think?” she asked, and twirled around in a circle to see it from all angles.
“Um …” He swallowed. “Yeah. But why do you need a dress like that?” he asked, crossing his arms.
“One of my clients is getting married, and I want something nice to wear,” she said, smoothing the material over her stomach.
“It’s considered rude to look more beautiful than the bride. You better get something else.”
Janie laughed, looking at him through the mirror. “You haven’t even met her. How would you know?”
“Trust me, I know.”
Janie let her hair down and ran her fingers through it, checking her reflection.
Jaxon sat up in his chair. “Okay. You have to stop.”
“What?” Janie said, holding her hair up on one side.
“That.” He got up, pointed at her, walked around, and rested his hands on the back of the chair.
“You’re the one who wanted to bring me shopping,” Janie said.
“I know, but I didn’t realize how difficult it would be,” he said softly. He went over and stood beside her, watching her reflection in the mirror as she watched him. He turned her to him, cupping her face with his hands, and brushed his thumb over her bottom lip. He felt her tremble as he leaned in and kissed her softly. All at once, Jaxon felt his insides rage with desire and their kiss deepened. The passion between them ignited, and he couldn’t get enough. Janie responded to his touch with a heat all her own … until she pulled away.
Jaxon felt ice water douse the flames. “I can’t do this,” he said, backing away.
Janie looked confused. “What do you mean? I’m the one who stopped.”
“Yeah, but I don’t want to stop, and seeing you, knowing that I can’t touch you, that you’re not my wife is killing me.” He rubbed his temples and then looked up at her. “It’s better if I stay away.”
&nb
sp; “That would be easier on both of us, but Jaxon, you can’t stay away. Your family is here, and we’re going to have a baby. Don’t you want to be a part of his or her life?”
“I do.” He stood up and put his hands in his pocket. “But maybe I shouldn’t.”
“Why would you say that?” Janie asked. Her eyes filled with tears.
“Because I’ll probably make a mess of it.” Jaxon could feel his heart tearing open again. “Look at what I did to us.”
Chapter 14
Janie opened the door for Gus, enjoying the way her new maternity shorts let her breathe and move easily. If only her problems with Jaxon could be solved as easily as buying a new outfit. The clothes meant a lot to her, knowing Jaxon bought them for her, and because it was his way of showing her that he cared. He loved her, she knew it, but then again that wasn’t ever really the problem. His love from a distance wasn’t enough.
Gus ran into the house and headed straight to the kitchen. He sat down and waited patiently for his owner to reward him for good behavior while she was gone. Quade came in behind her, carrying a baby swing in a large box.
“Where do you want this?” he asked.
“Next to the table’s fine,” Janie said, lifting the lid to the glass jar full of bone-shaped dog biscuits. She dropped one, and Gus gobbled it up immediately. “Jeez, Gus. You want to taste it before you swallow it?” she asked, patting the dog’s head.
“Do you want me to open it?” Quade asked.
“No, I’ll get to it later. I haven’t dusted this week, and it’s driving me crazy.” She watched as Gus went into the living room and found his usual spot on the rug for a nap.
“Yeah.” Quade looked around at the gleaming furniture. “I can see dust bunnies everywhere. You’ve really let things go around here.”
“All right. If you’re going to harass me, feel free to go out and clean up the backyard. Gus has been busy leaving souvenirs all over the place.”
Quade backed up a step, his hands in the air. “I don’t think so. I have to draw the line somewhere.”
“I thought you had all this extra time on your hands, since What’s-Her-Name isn’t in the picture.”
“Thanks to you.” He smiled. “However, I’m free to be your knight in shining armor until five. Then I’ve got to go home and get ready for a date with a potential new girlfriend.”
“You don’t let any grass grow under your feet,” Janie said, as she stepped into the hallway and opened the closet. She hung her purse on a peg next to a variety of bags in different sizes and colors.
“It’s my duty as a young, handsome bachelor to date as many beautiful women as possible,” Quade said, as he walked around to the counter and lifted the lid off the dog treats and sniffed. “I wonder if these are any good.”
“Go ahead, Shaggy, you can share the Scooby Snacks,” Janie said, closing the closet door. She walked back into the kitchen and took her cleaning supplies from below the kitchen sink. “Now, why is it your duty to date as many women as possible?”
Quade put the lid back on and took a cookie from her hidden stash in the cupboard above the dishwasher. “No, I said it’s my duty to date beautiful women.” He took a bite. “It’s so I can find a perfect mate and ensure the future Hall generation is as attractive as its ancestors,” he said, with a mouthful.
“I guess you would have to get by on looks, because manners don’t seem to be your specialty.” Janie squeezed his cheeks. “Ever heard don’t talk with your mouth full?”
“My mother may have mentioned it once or twice.”
“Poor woman.”
“My mother is a saint, as you well know, and even though I may have accidentally tarnished our name here or there, she always forgives me.”
“That’s what mothers do,” Janie said, smiling down at her protruding tummy. Another week had gone by and her belly proved it.
Quade swallowed his cookie while Janie took a gallon of milk from the fridge and handed it to him. Then she got a glass and watched as he poured it and then drained the glass in a matter of seconds.
“Your ultrasound is tomorrow, right?” Quade asked.
“Yes. I’m so excited,” she said, taking a handful of paper towels.
“Is Jaxon going to make it?”
“He said he would.” Janie ignored the usual pang in her heart at the mention of his name. She hadn’t seen him since they went shopping eight days ago. “He’s been in Wyoming, and then he has some promotional thing for the show this weekend in LA, but he promised he’d be here.”
“I’m sure he will,” Quade said, taking another cookie from the cupboard. “And just as a reminder, you are not allowed to watch any more of our episodes until I get over here tomorrow night.”
“I cross my heart,” she said, marking imaginary lines over her chest.
“I’ll hold you to it, and if I find out you did, we’re watching back-to-back episodes of The Walking Dead.”
“In that case, I cross my heart and hope to die,” she said with a grin.
* * *
Janie’s heart raced in anticipation as she flipped through a magazine in the waiting room of her OB. Her full bladder, per ultrasound instructions, did nothing to calm her nerves. Picking up her phone, she checked the time and her messages. Nothing from Jaxon. There were still a few minutes before the appointment, and Jaxon liked to make an appearance.
A woman much further along in her pregnancy watched Janie from the top of her magazine. Janie smiled and pretended to dig through her purse for a missing item; she could feel the weight of the woman’s stare. Then she noticed the cover of the magazine in her hands. Jaxon and Miley were on the cover, and in the corner was a picture of Janie with the caption “Divorced and Pregnant.” Janie’s excitement turned to dread as she waited for the bout of nausea that usually followed a revealing tabloid cover. Anger coursed through her veins as she wiped her brow. She swallowed the bile rising in her throat. She wouldn’t let the paparazzi ruin this momentous day for her. Jaxon would be here soon, and everything would be fine.
Janie checked her phone one more time as the nurse came out and called her name. The blank screen left an empty feeling in her heart. Had Miley called again and sent him scurrying? Was she stupid to think he was trying to change? She scooped up her purse and smiled as the petite woman in blue scrubs patterned with tumbling teddy bears directed her into the room.
“Will anyone be joining you today?” the nurse asked.
“Yes,” Janie said, and felt her phone vibrate. “There he is now. I’m sure he’s running late.” She took her it out and read the message. Forgive me, I can’t make it. I’ll explain later. Her vision clouded and threatened to storm. Janie shook her head and dropped her phone into her bag. “Never mind. I guess he’s not coming.”
The nurse smiled. “Okay. No problem. We’ll give you a copy of the ultrasound and you can show him later. Sometimes these things happen.”
Janie wished that were true, but with Jaxon, it always happened. She faked a smile and nodded her head at the nurse.
“Go ahead and make yourself comfortable on the table. The ultrasound technician will be here in a moment.”
The door closed and Janie let out a deep breath. Climbing onto the table, she lectured herself on stupidity. She’d let her guard down again, let him come too close, and she wanted so desperately to believe she wasn’t a fool, and that he loved her like she did him, but he couldn’t prove it.
Lying on the table, she could feel her baby move and rested her hands on her stomach. You’re okay, she told herself. You can do this. Think about the baby. She’d always have the best part of Jaxon in this child, and it had to be enough. What kind of mother would she be if she allowed her heart to be broken time after time? Would she have anything left to give her child? It wasn’t a risk she was going to take. Her Jaxon was still there somewhere inside the celebrity, but she couldn’t reach him, and she was done trying.
* * *
Race hadn’t been back to U
tah in two months; he’d been working on a big case that didn’t leave much time for anything else. He called to check on Kyle once a week and texted Brynna and Janie more often. Brynna said she stopped by the ranch a couple of weeks ago and found Kyle out on the porch with a grill full of steaks. He said he wasn’t below hog-tying his pregnant daughter if she came between him and his meat. Race laughed at the thought, and they agreed their father was on his way to a full recovery. Brynna said she knew when to back off, and that for the most part, Kyle was eating much healthier than before his heart attack.
He hadn’t heard from Jaxon, but didn’t believe he would have even if they were close. Jaxon didn’t seem the type. The new season of The Cowboys had started, which he recorded and watched whenever he could. The first episode featured Jaxon working on the ranch, during rodeo’s off-season, with Kyle in the background running the equipment, moving feed and such. The show hadn’t mentioned Jaxon and Janie’s divorce, but he was sure the topic had to be broached somewhere in the season. He hoped they handled it respectfully, considering Janie’s condition.
He knew Jaxon wouldn’t purposely let them hurt Janie; that was one thing Race understood about his younger brother. The few times he’d been in the same room with Janie and Jaxon, he could feel a tangible energy between them, as if they moved within their own axis, each pulled by the direction of the other. That’s what made it difficult for Race to understand. They moved each other in ways he’d never experienced, so why did Jaxon let her go?
Part of Race wanted to avoid Janie, starve his desire to see her. It was wrong on way too many levels to count, but it didn’t stop his heart from racing whenever she sent a text. He’d been careful to not show it, not to ask Brynna anything that would raise her suspicions or give anyone a reason to believe he saw Janie as anything other than a friend. Although Race knew it would be almost impossible for anyone not to like Janie—she was that kind of person—he wasn’t stupid, and knew the feelings she stirred within him could be dangerous. There was a difference between attraction and acting on that attraction; he’d even argued the point in court. Falling for his younger brother’s ex-wife was no way to nurture a relationship with the Davis family.
