Tweenache in the Time of Hashtags

by Judy Balan

  o

  Ozzy hasn’t stopped texting me. He’s given up on Nikki and is pursuing me because he knows I’m his only shot at this whole father-daughter thing. Unless of course he and the new wife decide to procreate and make little dog whisperers. Brrr. I don’t want to think about that now. Anyway, he keeps asking me to give him another chance. To let him be a part of my life from now on. I feel like this is a very big decision. Especially since it involves people who communicate with spirits. When will the adults in my life stop messing up so that I don’t have to make these very big decisions so early in my life?

  10

  In Which There’s a Lot of Red and

  a Bit of Green

  Posted by Nina on 25 June 2014 at 5.23 p.m.

  Nikki has been selected to play the lead role in our school’s rock version of Red Riding Hood. Every year, my school puts together an elaborate play or musical that the whole city looks forward to. And playing the lead role in that? It’s kind of a big deal. Every girl in Nikki’s class wanted to play Red Riding Hood this year, so even Nikki doesn’t get why they picked her. I suspect it has something to do with her dark #Goth heart. Fits the new storyline perfectly (Red Riding Hood falls in love with the wolf). Anyway, I’d be a whole lot happier for her if she didn’t use the excuse to hijack Adam. Turns out Adam is a theatre guy. #Whatdyaknow. So yeah, that worked out well for her. She’s decided to spend all her after school hours getting Adam to help her ‘rehearse’. So I’ve decided to do what I do best: creepily lurk and embarrass Nikki. I mean, this crush was all I had going for me. Also, it’s my #FirstCrush, so no, I’m not going to take this lying down! Okay, will come back and report. ‘Rehearsal’ starts in five minutes.

  I See Green

  Posted by Nina on 25 June 2014 at 9.00 p.m.

  I just coined a new phrase: You got #Dhruved. It means you were invisible to someone. The origin of this phrase is most interesting. You see, I didn’t know earlier that Dhruv was playing the wolf in Red Riding Hood. That’s right! It’s like BLG sent them a special sign that they belong together. But of course, every love story needs a villain and this time, it’s #AmazingAdam. So basically, the hero in my story is the villain in Nikki’s. Is that too confusing? Never mind. Let me tell you what happened at rehearsal. I was generally lurking around, thinking of ways to embarrass Nikki. I was wondering whether to share entertaining anecdotes from Nikki’s life with Adam or just go for the kill and bring out all those hideous ‘candid’ pictures that Mom loved to take of us, when Dhruv strolled on to the terrace. ‘Hey.’ He always says ‘hey’ like that. With a full stop.

  ‘Hey, Dhruv!’ I said with an exclamation mark. I was relieved to see him. Now Nikki would be reminded of how much she adores him and leave #MyAdam alone. Wrong. Nikki completely ignored him. Well, I think she did say ‘hey,’ with a comma but that was it. Adam was his sweet self and multiple-exclamation-marked his ‘hey!!’ to Dhruv.

  ‘Nina and I are helping Nikki rehearse for her play,’ he said.

  ‘No, that’s not true, I’m just watching,’ I said and turned away to hide the fact that I was blushing again. Ugh.

  ‘Right. The play …’ Dhruv said, giving Nikki a puzzled look.

  ‘Oh, didn’t you hear? Nikki is Red Riding Hood!’ I said, all excited.

  ‘I know,’ Dhruv said. ‘I’m in it too.’

  ‘What? You’re in the play too? What are you playing?’

  ‘The wolf. So I thought I’d swing by and see if you wanted to rehearse together,’ he said.

  ‘The WOLF? You’re playing the WOLF? Nikki, why didn’t you say anything?’ I said.

  ‘Oh, that’s okay, we’ve got this. Adam? Ready?’ Nikki was at her bitchiest best. Also, oblivious. God.

  I think Adam felt the most awkward because it clearly made more sense for Nikki to rehearse with Dhruv.

  ‘Uhh, why don’t you guys rehearse together? Nina and I will watch,’ my hero said. See? #TrueLove.

  ‘Oh, come on, let’s try that dance scene again,’ Nikki said, forcing my #SweetAdam to slow- dance with her. While Dhruv and I watched. It was too cruel. But I felt sorrier for Dhruv. Not one to pout, he just stayed long enough to not create a scene and left with his dude-ness still intact. I was very impressed because I wasn’t even in the same shoes and I wanted to break a bottle on Nikki’s head. Is this what they call jealousy? I feel it constantly now and it’s NOT fun. I felt it when Akaash defended Anna and I feel it every time Nikki hovers around Adam. God, what’s happening to me? I feel like I’m transitioning into another messed up grownup.

  Red Days Are Here

  Posted by Nina on 26 June 2014 at 2.47 a.m.

  I got my first period. I don’t know why they call it a period. I mean, there’s nothing final about it. It comes and it pretends to go away, only to show up again next month. They should have called it the dot-dot-dot. You see, it’s taken me every ounce of will power to not complain about it all day. Mom, Nikki and Grandma have been waiting for me to take back my whole ‘PMS is a scam’ argument. Nikki has even sworn that she’ll make me a t-shirt that says ‘I was wrong about PMS’ on the front and ‘as I am wrong about so many things’ on the back. So I’m determined to prove them all wrong. Also, I’m not afraid of a little pain. What’s the big deal? If it’s going to happen every month, I’m sure I’ll get used to it. It will be like Grandma’s migraine. Oh, wait. That’s not a good example. Grandma has had it since she was forty and is still not used to it. But you know what I mean. Anyway, Mom has been fussing over me since this happened, so that’s nice. She bought me my own jar of #Nutella and excitedly announced that she’ll also be taking me trainer-bra shopping. I don’t see how that’s a reason to get excited. It is just one more thing to wear! All this talk of periods, bras, Nutella and boy drama has got Ashwin Uncle super depressed. He looks so forlorn. Like they told him I was a boy all along and now it turns out I’m not, and he’s scared this means I’ll turn into a Barbie or something. I had to assure him that I’m the same person over and over.

  ‘Promise you won’t start reading those novels where girls fall in love with werewolves and vampires?’

  ‘Ugh. Are you crazy? No way!’

  ‘Promise you won’t read those novels where girls sit around and wait for their white knights?’

  ‘Gross. And yes, promise.’

  ‘Promise you won’t find a real boy to fall in love with till you’re twenty-one or older?’

  ‘You KNOW I can’t promise that.’ I pouted.

  ‘That green-eyed boy, eh?’ he said.

  ‘Yes. This is it. If someone affects me THIS much, then it has to be love.’ I was quite serious, but Ashwin Uncle found it hilarious. And magically, he was in a good mood again. #Whatever.

  I just want this period pain to stop. Oh, please BLG, make it stop. I can’t seem to distract myself from the pain any more, but don’t want to complain and wear the t-shirt either. I want to chop my legs off, just so I don’t feel that constant gnawing pain and the cramps I feel like the Death Eaters are holding a meeting inside my tummy. But I won’t let this control me. I won’t let it turn me into a terrible person who snaps at unsuspecting people and eats all the chocolate in the house. Yes, #PMS is still a #Scam.

  o

  Dear world, just popping in to tell you that I’m taking a break from blogging because 1) There isn’t anything new happening in my life and I don’t want to bore you with the details. 2) I’m getting addicted to this habit and someone wise once told me that any addiction is bad for you. 3) I really need to focus on school and beating Anna. So. See you in a few months? Don’t go away!

  11

  Recap I:

  The Case of the Exploding Quiche

  Posted by Nina on 2 September 2014 at 11.11 p.m.

  You know how you feel like each day is just a repeat of the previous day and there’s nothing exciting happening in your life, but then you look back a few months down the line and, actually, a LOT has happened? Yeah, this is exactly what’s happenin
g to me now. So a #Recap is in order.

  Since I was too busy drowning in family drama and wading my way through newly developed feelings of jealousy and other types of #Tweenache, I couldn’t score points on the school front. Anna successfully got the faculty on her side (well, mostly) and the school fete was an #EpicFlop thanks to Mom who loves to wallow in her misery and can’t get ONE thing right. Oh, quick Adam-based digression: looking at Mom vegetating around the house after hearing of Ozzy’s December wedding (something she always wanted, it seems), Adam came up with a whole new coffee-ish drink to shake Mom out of her dark place. He called it Double Depresso (Double Espresso + a half-shot of Tequila). Curious fact: Tequila is not allowed till we’re twenty-one but Nikki said she had a shot of it at Sonya’s place when her parents weren’t around. She said it tasted like an angry cow’s pee, gave her a headache and made her want to throw up. Sometimes, I think this whole ‘only after you’re twenty-one’ thing is just a big scam invented by adults to keep us interested in growing up. Maybe what adults really want is to be twelve again, but they can’t. So they keep coming up with headache-inducing nonsense like Tequila to make us think that we’re the ones missing out on something cool.

  But I digress way too much. Let me recount my humiliating experience at the school fete. It turned out Anna’s mom had sold her soul to the devil (like Dr Faustus) in exchange for getting a piece of heaven into every one of her cupcakes. No, really. I’m not making this up. That’s exactly what people were saying! So yes, there was a mad rush to her counter and the cupcakes were gone in a jiffy. Then, to meet the soaring demand, she had to promise to put up a stall over the weekend for those who didn’t get to taste a ‘piece of heaven’. See, this means that Anna’s stall raised the highest amount of money towards ‘enhancing the school’s infrastructure’. And don’t forget that part of this infrastructure is the pool that Akaash and I blew up last year. You see WHY I really needed my mom to contribute to this fete? If I had at least raised an equal amount of money, I would have stood a chance of beating Anna. So I asked Mom to have a flash fiction workshop for the older kids and a story-telling session for the younger kids. See, these are her strengths. She’s a fantastic writer and an amazing storyteller. I still enjoy listening to her tell Rapunzel to my little cousin when he comes over. But. This is MY mom we’re talking about. When has she EVER listened to anything anyone has told her? This time, she decided to ‘surprise’ me by putting up a vegan quiche stall. Wait, what? Yeah, that’s right, VEGAN QUICHE. Because, you know, that’s what children love: SOY. Oh, and that’s not the icing on the cake (or topping on the quiche). She had never made this before! Yep. My mom thought it would be a genius move to experiment at my school fete. Guess what? The few unsuspecting people who bought the quiche ended up having a case of exploding diarrhoea and two of the casualties were Omen and call-me-Anju. Yep, there’s a nice meme that’s doing the rounds on our school’s social media pages and I’m only going to say that it involves my mom’s quiche and the symptoms of a certain epidemic. Yeah, okay, why the suspense: #NinasMomStartedEbola is basically a trending topic at the school. And of course, Omen and call-me-Anju are so furious I’m sure they’ve created a special negative scoreboard for me to see how many more times I mess up by the end of this year. Yeah, they are rooting for my failure now.

  12

  Recap II: That Long Fight

  Posted by Nina on 11 September 2014 at 4.35 p.m.

  I’m not exactly the get-along girl. You know? The kind of person that everyone gets along with. I’ve noticed that people either love me blindly or develop an equally irrational dislike of me. I don’t know why, but it’s just how it is. Mom says it’s because I have a ‘strong personality’. I don’t know what that means, but Ashwin Uncle says it’s a good thing. It means I have a mind of my own. I don’t know what that means either. Doesn’t everybody? Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I don’t make friends easily. I mean, I don’t get really close to other kids all that easily. Also, I’ve always preferred the company of certain grownups to kids my own age. So you can imagine how special Akaash is, because he’s the only one of my school friends I keep talking about here. But clearly, that idiot wasn’t aware of that. #BoysAreStupid.

  Let me start at the beginning. Remember that fight we had over Anna when he completely took her side? Yeah, that fight turned out to be the beginning of one very long fight. We were still talking but suddenly, there was nothing to talk about. Adam was off-limits because he’d end up thinking that I got myself a new friend just to get back at him for being Anna’s friend. Anna was also off-limits because how can you tell your best friend all those not-so-nice things about this new girl if the new girl is your best friend’s new friend? Exactly. You can’t. Ozzy wasn’t up for discussion either because I simply wasn’t ready to talk about it and definitely not with Akaash’s current mood. So I thought I’d keep it light and tell him about Nikki and how obnoxious she had been of late.

  ‘You know what Nikki did the other day?’ I said, biting into a very dry sandwich – another side effect of Mom losing it over Ozzy’s wedding.

  ‘Did she get another misspelt tattoo?’

  I chuckled though it wasn’t funny any more. I was trying to keep the conversation going. ‘No, she’s being a total bitch to Dhruv.’

  ‘Mmm,’ he said and appeared to be in a world of his own.

  ‘What are you thinking about?’

  ‘Nothing,’ he said.

  ‘You can’t be thinking about nothing, you know,’ I said. It was just a casual remark, and like I said, I was trying to keep the conversation afloat, but Akaash got uncharacteristically snappy.

  ‘God, would you stop being such a know-it-all?’

  I was quite taken aback by that, but I knew something was biting him or he wouldn’t talk to me that way, so I persisted. Also, I strongly suspected Anna’s role in this new behaviour. ‘What’s wrong? Did Anna say something?’ I opened the wrong door.

  ‘God! What is it with you girls and all this constant analysing and plotting? Why have you become like this all of a sudden?’

  ‘Girls? Plural? So Anna DID say something!’ I couldn’t let it go.

  ‘THAT’s what you got out of what I said? God.’ He got up and left in a huff and I grabbed him by the elbow.

  ‘You’re being a JERK!’ ‘Jerk’ is a handy word I learnt from Mom for situations like this. It provides instant phonetic relief. The way it just flies out of your mouth taking with it all your frustration, when you say it with the right amount of hostility – wow.

  ‘And you’re full of yourself! It’s always about you. What happened in YOUR family. What YOU think. How YOU feel. Whom YOU like. Whom YOU don’t like. I’m TIRED!’ And with that, he stormed away.

  ‘Probably to go blow up another pool,’ I thought to myself and secretly wished he’d get caught doing something stupid. Then I immediately took it back because Mom always says, ‘Don’t put your negativity into the universe.’ Whatever that means, I know that wishing bad stuff for other people can’t be good. I was bummed all day and all evening because as much as I loathed Akaash for all the mean things he said, every one of those things was true. And it’s not that I didn’t know that about myself. It’s what everyone says about me: that I think too much, I analyse too much, I obsess too much, I ask too many questions, blah blah. But I never cared. Until I heard it come out of Akaash’s mouth. #WorstFeelingEver. Nothing can make you feel quite as alone as when your best friend agrees with the rest of the world.

  o

  That night, I remember crying in bed all by myself. This was new for me. I rarely ever cried. Mom says I didn’t even cry much as a baby. But then again, it’s not every day that you can’t seem to find respite in any of the people in your life: Mom was too busy spiralling into insanity over Ozzy’s wedding; Nikki and I were at loggerheads over Adam; Akaash, well, you know; and Grandma and Grandpa were too busy with the guests, which left me with Ashwin Uncle. Normally, I’d have jumped at that, b
ut I couldn’t help but feel like he was hiding something from me. Something important. And it was a feeling I couldn’t shake off. So I decided that it probably was for the best that no one was around. I mean, we always assume that it’s a good idea to talk to people when we’re sad. But it’s not true. Sometimes, people can give you really bad advice and end up making things worse. Or come up with the strangest ways to cheer you up, which might get you into even more trouble – yes, like Akaash blowing up the pool to cheer me up.

  I missed him so much even when I hated him, and I hated that feeling. I decided to ignore the world and read, but I couldn’t focus at all. So I just picked up the phone and called Akaash. The line was busy. But Akaash had three landlines, so I called another one. Maybe Mom was right, communication is key. Maybe we’d both realize this whole thing was stupid and go back to being BFFs. Or maybe it really wasn’t about Anna at all. Maybe Akaash was having problems of his own and needed to talk to me and I was too busy obsessing about Anna.

  ‘Hello?’ It was Akaash’s mom.

  ‘Hi, Aunty. This is Nina.’

  ‘Hey, sweetie! How have you been? You don’t call, you don’t visit … All okay?’

  I smiled. Aunty was very fond of me. ‘Yeah, just been busy with school and a few things …’ I trailed off.

  ‘Wow! You’ve been busy with school? Sometimes I wonder if Akaash goes to the same school! This fellow is always on the phone or watching TV or having friends over.’ Aunty was still talking, but I wasn’t listening any more. He was always on the phone and having friends over? Who were these friends? And since when? ‘Nina? You there?’ Aunty said.

  ‘Uhh, yes, Aunty, sorry. Tell me!’

  Aunty laughed. ‘I said I’ll ask Akaash to call you back. He’s on the other line with Anna. That usually goes on for a while.’ She sounded amused but it hurt me in places I didn’t know existed.