Tweenache in the Time of Hashtags

by Judy Balan

‘I KNOW, stupid.’ He sounded exactly like himself. I grinned widely and turned to Nikki who looked at me quizzically. I gave her a thumbs-up. ‘You there?’ Akaash said.

  ‘Ah, yes. I’m here!’

  ‘Were you grinning to yourself?’ he said. I love it when he does that. I love how he just knows. I nodded, still grinning. ‘Are you nodding, stupid? Because I can’t see you!’ he said.

  I laughed. ‘Yes, sorry. How are you?’

  ‘I’m okay, you’re the one who’s been MIA,’ he said.

  ‘What? What rubbish. You stopped talking to me.’

  ‘I did not stop talking to you, I just started talking to Anna too, and YOU stopped talking to ME,’ he said. I didn’t completely agree but didn’t want to fight again.

  ‘So, we’re not fighting now?’ I asked.

  ‘What? What fight? We fought once, I remember. But I didn’t know that fight was still going on.’

  I wanted to hug him and break a bottle over his head at the same time. He was so simple-minded and non-analytical, unlike me, and I wanted more of that energy in my life. We chatted for a little while, and when I hung up, Nikki was looking at me with a weird look on her face.

  ‘What?’ I asked.

  ‘You think I should call Dhruv too?’

  I smiled. ‘Yes! Call him! Look how this went!’

  She looked excited and nervous as she picked up the phone and called him. I waited by her side, just as nervous and excited. ‘Voicemail,’ she said, hanging up after two rings. ‘He actually gave me the two-ring-voicemail treatment! That’s basically the new silent treatment.’

  ‘What is that?’ I said. I was new to mobile phone terminology.

  ‘Well, when a call goes to voicemail in the end, it means the person wasn’t around or couldn’t answer. But if it goes to voicemail after two rings …’

  ‘He’s ignoring you and telling you he’s ignoring you.’ I completed it for her.

  ‘Exactly.’ She looked fine but I hugged her. ‘Oh, I’m fine, psycho. I don’t need to be hugged. I knew this was a stupid idea and I shouldn’t have let a twelve-year-old talk me into it … okay, stop hugging me now!’ I kept hugging her till she stopped protesting and then I hugged her some more.

  16

  The Inner Bear

  Posted by Nina on 5 October 2014 at 3.33 p.m.

  ‘I’m losing the exchange programme, my dad’s getting married to someone who sounds like she needs a psychiatrist more than a husband, my best friend’s bonding with my nemesis, and my first crush turned out to be gay,’ I said to Grandpa. He had found me moping around and made the mistake of asking me what was wrong. I burst open like a piñata of woes.

  ‘Nina,’ Grandpa said. ‘When things happen that you can’t control – and they will happen a lot – you can’t look outside for the solution. You need to reach inside of you, deep, deep inside of you, and find your … inner bear!’

  ‘Oh god, not that bear story again!’ Grandma said, en route to the kitchen.

  ‘My inner BEAR?’ I said. I thought he was going to say something cooler. Like a #Jedi or something.

  ‘When you’re faced with a challenge, there are two ways of approaching it: you can attack it like a lion or like a bear.’

  ‘Uh,’ I interrupted. ‘Actually, I just want to run like a deer. I want to run away from it all. But there’s a part of me that still believes it’s not too late to win, and I still stand a chance of kicking Anna’s butt.’

  ‘Exactly,’ Grandpa said. ‘That’s the bear in you talking. And that’s the part I’m talking to. You’re not a quitter, Nina. You just need to be strategic when approaching challenges.’

  ‘So I should find my inner bear?’ I said, without a clue what that meant.

  ‘Exactly!’ Grandpa said. ‘See, lions attack head-on. They pounce forward. But the bear, the bear attacks you from behind. He stalks his prey and, in an unguarded moment, goes for the kill.’

  ‘Okay, I’m not following,’ I said.

  At this point, Grandma decided to join the conversation with sarcastic commentary. ‘This is how I’ve been feeling for the last forty years,’ she said. But Grandpa ignored her. He was too intense about this talk.

  ‘I’m saying,’ Grandpa explained, ‘you’ve been attacking this whole thing like a lion all this while. It’s been a straightforward pounce-snatch-kill strategy which isn’t working for you.’

  ‘Well,’ I began. ‘Anna’s basically kicking my butt in every way possible. She’s got teacher points, she’s got fundraiser points, she’s even got squash champion points. This is so not an even fight!’

  ‘That’s because Anna knows exactly what to expect from you and you’re not equipped to take her on as a lion. It’s time to switch to bear!’

  ‘Mmm,’ I said, giving it serious consideration. ‘So how do I find my inner bear?’

  ‘By letting go.’

  ‘Letting go?’

  ‘Yes,’ Grandpa said. ‘Stop struggling. Stop attacking. Stop TRYING so hard. You have to catch your opponent off guard. How would you do that?’

  ‘By pretending I don’t care about the programme any more?’ I said. At this point, it wouldn’t matter, I thought to myself.

  ‘Close,’ Grandpa said. ‘You don’t pretend, you really stop caring. Rather, you shift your focus to something bigger than what you’re fighting for.’

  I was perplexed and it showed. Maybe Grandpa was just getting old and losing it. ‘Oh, stop looking so glum,’ Grandma said, offering me a bowl of suspicious-looking breakfast. ‘Here, have some of this new breakfast special I tried.’ Clearly something she had watched on a cooking show.

  ‘The trick is,’ Grandpa said, trying to get my attention again. ‘Don’t focus on your opponent’s strengths. Play to YOUR strengths. And think bigger.’

  ‘And what are my strengths?’ My volume went lower to match the level of my confidence in Grandpa’s suggestion.

  ‘What are your strengths?’ Grandpa sounded shocked that I wasn’t aware of such obvious facts, but he cleverly refused to disclose them. ‘Well, that’s for you to find out then!’ How convenient.

  ‘He thinks talking like this makes him a wise old wizard with a flowing white beard,’ Grandma said, and I chuckled.

  ‘What are her strengths?’ The sarcasm quotient in the room increased. Nikki walked in with her coffee mug and #GrumpyMorningFace. ‘I know! Blowing up swimming pools, feeling sorry for lost causes, asking pointless questions, coming up with totally unworkable ideas … so many to choose from!’

  ‘There, there it is!’ Grandpa said. ‘That’s it!’

  ‘WHAT’S it?’ Nikki and I said in unison.

  ‘Coming up with unworkable ideas. In other words, you see what others don’t see. Every great person who invented something saw what others didn’t see or believed was possible!’

  I smiled. I liked the sound of that. ‘Yes, my little Einstein, what do you see?’ Grandma said.

  ‘What is everyone talking about?’ Now Mom’s #GrumpyMorningVoice joined us in the living room.

  ‘Great, so everyone’s here,’ Grandpa said. ‘We’re helping Nina come up with a plan to take Anna down and win the exchange programme.’

  ‘Oh great, did you give her the inner bear talk?’ Mom rolled her eyes.

  ‘Take your negative energy away from this child! She’s on her way to finding out what she’s made of,’ Grandpa said.

  ‘Okay, everybody shut up. I’m trying to focus,’ I said, dramatically holding my head in my palms. ‘Damn it, I don’t see ANYTHING!’ I said after a few minutes.

  ‘What are you thinking about?’ Mom asked.

  ‘Nothing, I’m trying to see,’ I said.

  ‘Yes, silly, but in order to see something, you need context,’ Mom said.

  ‘What do you mean? What context?’

  ‘Well, you’re trying to come up with an idea, a vision, right?’

  ‘Yes. I think?’ I said.

  ‘Well, what is this for? What problem are you try
ing to solve? First find the problem, then the solution will present itself,’ Mom said.

  ‘Although it has never worked in her life,’ Grandpa butted in and everyone giggled.

  ‘Okay, okay!’ I said, focusing again. ‘I need to find a problem at school.’

  ‘There, we’re getting warmer now,’ Mom said, and the doorbell rang. It was Ashwin Uncle. That was unexpected. He usually never pops in unexpectedly in the mornings. So I felt good. Like, I was in the right place at the right time, you know?

  ‘What are we playing?’ he asked. Everyone in the room was looking intently at me as I tried to focus.

  ‘We’re not playing, we’re focusing,’ Nikki said.

  ‘Dad gave Nina the inner bear talk,’ Mom explained.

  ‘Ooh!’ Ashwin Uncle said. ‘That’s a HUGE milestone! That’s like Ra’s al Ghul giving you a pat on the back on your way to becoming Batman.’

  Everyone laughed and Grandpa looked pleased with himself. ‘You got it too?’ I asked Ashwin Uncle.

  ‘Of course!’ he said. ‘Anyone who has been around your Grandpa in the middle of a crisis has heard that talk. And by anyone, I mean people with Batman potential.’

  ‘Hey!’ Nikki said. ‘How come I’ve never heard the talk?’ And before things got awkward, she went, ‘Oh, well, I don’t really care.’

  ‘And did you FIND your inner bear?’ I asked Ashwin Uncle.

  ‘Nope. But I found my inner lazy panda!’

  ‘All right, now! Nina, are you ready to do this?’ Grandpa asked.

  ‘Yes!’ I said.

  ‘Great, close your eyes.’ I did. ‘What are the problems at school?’ Grandpa asked.

  I tried to think. ‘Some of our teachers don’t really know what they’re talking about …’ I started.

  Ashwin Uncle snorted. ‘Mmm, preferably something that won’t get us into trouble with the teachers again?’

  I grinned and kept my eyes closed. ‘Many of the kids in school have problems at home and no one to talk to.’

  ‘Looks like we’re getting warmer,’ Ashwin Uncle said.

  ‘The other day, this girl came to talk to me about how upset she was because her parents are getting divorced. But she only told me about it because she knew my parents are already divorced. She asked me how I handle it, and I don’t know where this came from, but I said I draw and paint.’

  ‘Ooh! I know, I know!’ Nikki screamed. ‘We totally need art therapy! It’s a legit thing and all. They use it in counselling!’

  ‘Oh my god,’ I said. Just the idea of it seemed so cool. ‘Tell me more!’

  ‘Mm, art is fine but why don’t you do something completely novel, like start your school’s first all-girls cricket team or something?’ Ashwin Uncle said.

  ‘Uh, she’d have more luck getting people to join her Quidditch team,’ Nikki snorted. Sometimes, Nikki can be funny.

  ‘Shhh,’ Ashwin Uncle cut her off. ‘Nina, what do you think?’

  ‘I think that would be cool, Ashwin Uncle,’ I said. ‘Except I’m not into cricket at all. I’m into art.’

  He smiled. ‘Right. This is YOUR school project.’ I thought it was cute that he was so involved in my life.

  ‘There you go, then,’ Grandpa said. ‘That’s your bear attack.’

  ‘What attack?’ I said. ‘There’s no attack!’

  ‘Art attack,’ Mom said.

  ‘Go get ‘em, champ!’ Ashwin Uncle said.

  ‘Okay, okay, hold on. What exactly am I doing?’ I said. My family has a way of getting excited about everything, even when there’s no real plan.

  ‘You are going to come up with a plan for student counselling, citing your own experiences as a child of divorced parents. Always use the neglected-child-of-divorced-parents card. Works like a charm!’ Nikki said. My grandparents tch-tched. ‘Ooh, we should totally make a kickass presentation!’ she said to Ashwin Uncle.

  ‘Like last year’s retelling of Romeo and Juliet?’ he winked. Last year, Nikki and Ashwin Uncle had helped me submit a project I was given as punishment. It not only got published in the newspaper and made me the headmistress’s favourite, it also eventually got my psycho teacher expelled. So yes, I had a good feeling about the old team working on this presentation. And suddenly, it wasn’t even about the exchange programme. I just wanted to do this. I wanted to do something good just for the sake of it. Well, what do you know? I just might have found my inner Mother Teresa. Or bear. Or whatever.

  ‘Mom?’ I said. ‘What do you think?’

  Mom looked surprised and touched at the same time. ‘What do I think?’ She sounded like she couldn’t believe I’d care what she thought when Ashwin Uncle had already given me the green signal.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘What would you do?’

  ‘I think I’d go for it and kick some therapy butt, and you should too.’ She beamed with pride like I had already done it.

  ‘But I may not win. You do know that right?’ I said. I felt the need to check because my mom and Nikki are obsessed with winning.

  ‘Baby, the fact that you want to do something nice for your school with no agenda is the biggest win for me!’

  A collective ‘awwwwwww’ swept through the room.

  ‘Okay, then!’ I said, standing up on the table. ‘Watch out, Anna! ‘Cause I’m gonna … I’m gonna …’

  ‘Not care if you win because I have a bigger vision?’ Grandpa completed my sentence.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Something like that.’

  ‘Oh, you’ll totally win,’ Nikki said. ‘That kid does everything by the book, and she won’t see this coming. This doesn’t fall under any category in the points system, which is why it’s so cool!’

  ‘Let’s see,’ I said. I felt a surge of optimism for the first time in months. I suddenly felt bigger and stronger. More empowered. Like a bear!

  17

  Back to the Present: A Case of the #Mumfies

  Posted by Nina on 12 October 2014 at 2.05 p.m.

  I won’t lie. My mom has gone from MOMster to Desperate Divorced Lady in a matter of weeks and it has been unsettling. For some reason, she isn’t taking the news of Ozzy’s wedding well. That might sound natural to anyone who doesn’t know my mom, but for those of us who do, it’s weird because she has always been nothing but indifferent to Ozzy. He’s never even been a thought in her head. So you can imagine how thrown we all were when she decided to sign up for an online dating service last week. She even got ghastly blonde highlights and started taking selfies. Allow me to digress for a moment and tell you how traumatizing it is when your mom starts taking absurd duck-face selfies and posting them online. It’s like a public declaration that she’s given up on parenting. Or, for that matter, being a grownup. It’s upset me enough to name this syndrome: the #Mumfies. So if someone is down with a case of the #Mumfies, it means they’re suffering from public humiliation resulting from their mom going off on a selfie rampage. Nikki even unfriended her on Facebook because it was too embarrassing and ‘she’s using hashtags all wrong’. Well, trust Nikki to have her priorities right.

  Anyway. I didn’t want to confront her. With Mom, confrontation is never a good idea. Usually, her loola-ness subsides on its own. But this was a bit much even for me, so I decided to gently inquire last night when I got the chance.

  ‘So, what’s up with all the selfies?’ I said. Okay, I had meant to be more subtle.

  ‘What’s up with everyone ASKING?’ She was clearly in the mood.

  ‘I don’t know, just curious, I guess.’ I shrugged. I didn’t want to get into a fight. ‘You don’t usually see a lot of moms putting up selfies online.’

  ‘Well, darling, you also don’t see a lot of moms without a date to their loser ex-husband’s wedding to Mental Dog Whisperer Lady Half His Age.’

  Ohh-kay. Wrong door. I opened the wrong door. Any normal person would have stopped asking questions right about now. But this was me. ‘But mom, how do you care? You don’t love him, do you?’

  ‘I don�
�t. But that’s not the point.’

  ‘Then what is?’

  ‘It’s just … I’m not the one who was supposed to end up alone! I don’t deserve this!’ And she burst into tears without warning. I felt like I was watching a movie in bits and pieces and was left to stitch the story together on my own in a way that made sense. I threw my arms around her for what it was worth. She sniffled. ‘Sorry, baby,’ she said. ‘I wish you had a mom who wasn’t such a mess.’

  ‘I love messes!’ I said. ‘It’s always an indication that a lot of fun has been had.’

  ‘Oh, baby. You’re wise beyond your years,’ she said, still keeping me locked in her embrace.

  ‘Mom?’ I said. ‘Why don’t you take Ashwin Uncle to the wedding?’

  ‘DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON THAT!’

  ‘Okay, okay,’ I patted her back. Wrong door, wrong door.

  o

  ‘Mom is spiralling. Plus, too many questions unanswered about Ashwin Uncle. We must investigate!’ I said to Nikki. We were having one of our midnight heart-to-hearts in complete darkness.

  ‘Mom needs to grow up,’ Nikki said.

  ‘Don’t be rude,’ I said. ‘She’s going through a lot.’

  ‘What is she going through? That jerk’s getting married. So what? It’s not like she wants him. And yeah, there’s some drama around Ashwin Uncle and somehow she ended up alone. Boohoo. Get over it!’ Nikki can be really cold sometimes. But she also gets mad at people for the same things she can’t change about herself.

  ‘What’s happening with Dhruv? He’s still not talking to you?’ I said.

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Did you try?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘It’s okay,’ I said. ‘He’ll come around. He’s just hurt.’

  ‘I don’t give a shit, because I’m not going to sit around and wait. I will NOT be that girl who waits around for a boy to give her attention. I will NOT be MOM!’

  ‘Okay,’ I said. She remained silent but I could hear her rapid breathing. ‘Nikki?’ I said when I felt it was safe.

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘You are NOT Mom,’ I said. ‘Right now, even Mom is not Mom. Everything’s going to be okay!’