by Kyra Lennon
“I can see that. But smiling that way might lead people to think you’re a serial killer so you might wanna tone it down a little.”
“Sorry.” I chuckled. “Faking happiness is hard work!”
“That it is, but you can do this. Besides, after a few drinks, you won’t need to fake it.”
“Good point. In that case, maybe we should have another!”
The evening in the club with my friends was definitely a wise decision. One of the highlights of the evening included a random guy trying to dance with Bree, only to look totally horrified when he placed his hands on her swollen stomach as he’d approached her from behind. I don’t think I’d ever laughed so hard as he apologised and tripped over his own feet as he tried to get away as if she was diseased.
Bryce accompanied me home in a cab, and as we entered my driveway, the press who still hadn’t left yet got snap happy as they photographed us going inside the house together. No doubt that would make excellent gossip in the papers in the morning.
As was normal custom on arriving home after a night out, I went to the kitchen to make us some coffee, and we stayed up for a while talking. Since it had gotten late, Bryce decided to crash in one of the guest rooms, which again, was pretty normal. However, usually, Radleigh was there too, so I text him to let him know Bryce was staying, just so he didn’t get a surprise later in the day when he was photographed leaving our place early in the morning. Radleigh wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but I needed to make sure I was doing everything I was asking of him. Being honest and open while we were apart.
I lay in bed for a long time, wondering how things would go when Radleigh met Jayden. Would they get along okay? Would Radleigh fall in love with him the way he had instantly fallen in love with Jessica? Would he and Jen talk much? It was impossible to guess, and I really hated the unknown. Hated waiting. More than anything, I wanted it to be over and done with. To fast forward the time so things were okay again, whatever that might mean.
Chapter Eleven – A Picture Speaks A Thousand Words
And there it was. The alert that told me my life had officially changed. It came mid-afternoon on Sunday, long after Bryce had gone home and left me to overthink everything again.
As much as I hated it and wanted to deny it, Jen was now and forever a part of our lives. With a tentative, shaky breath, I clicked to see what the media reported. The photos showed Radleigh sitting opposite Jen, with Jayden beside him and Harley beside Jen. They appeared to be in a café of some kind, not one I recognised. Although the photo had been taken through a window and was a little distorted, I could see Jen had a salad in front of her, and Harley had some kind of baguette, broken up into small pieces. I didn’t bother to read any of what was written in the article, I just scrolled down to see the rest of the pictures. A sharp stabbing pain in my stomach forced me to let out a gasp. The photographer had changed his angle, and the next photo showed Radleigh and Jayden laughing together, a look of absolute love radiating from Radleigh’s eyes, and Jayden staring at him with wide-eyed adoration.
I knew it was coming. I’d been warned. And I always knew that the first time I saw Radleigh with Jayden, it would puncture a hole in my heart because I’d only ever seen that kind of love in his eyes for Jessica. Knowing he now had to share that love would take some getting used to. God, the kid was cute, though. He really didn’t have a shred of Radleigh in his features. He was all Jen. Blonde, big bright blue eyes and the kind of smile that would one day have girls falling at his feet. Okay, maybe there was a little trace of Radleigh in him. As much as I didn’t want him to have a child with Jen, though, I was pleased Jayden appeared to have warmed to him so fast. What if I never gave him a son? What if I could only ever give him daughters, and subsequently a house filled with screaming hormones? I wasn’t selfish enough that I didn’t want him to have Jayden in his life, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt to know that Jen had given him something I hadn’t. That it was her who had given him the precious boy he’d wanted so badly.
I closed the link, unable to look at it any longer. Didn’t need to. The image was permanently captured in my mind. A surge of energy ran through me, like I couldn’t sit still for another second or I’d lose my mind. I needed to move, to do something to take my mind off things until Radleigh and Jessica came home in a couple of hours. Instead of dwelling on what I’d just seen, I leapt up and ran upstairs to change into my workout gear. What I needed was to pound out a few miles on the treadmill to kill off the restlessness, and as an added bonus, I wouldn’t hear the phone if I was in the gym, especially if I turned up the sound system.
The only thing I kept with me as I began my run was my mobile, because only people I knew would call me on that. The house phone, I knew, would soon be ringing like crazy with people trying to contact me for my feelings on Radleigh and Jayden, and I had nothing to say to them. I’d do what Radleigh told me. Leave it to our team to deal with so we could get on with patching up our lives.
As I jogged, I focused solely on the pounding of my feet and the melody of the music because that was all that mattered. All I wanted to matter while I blocked everything out. I could still feel the ache in my heart as the sweat trickled down my skin but I kept going, pushing harder until it all began to ease.
It was an hour before I finally had to give in and take a shower, and since I wasn’t planning to leave the house, I threw on Radleigh’s enormous hoodie – one I’d stolen from him because it was comfortable, and mainly worn on duvet days. It was long enough that I didn’t need to worry about wearing trousers, and without drying my hair, I padded back down to the gym to pick up my phone. My heart stilled as I found another notification. Drawing in a deep breath, I followed the link. I was expecting to see more of the same photos as I’d seen earlier, but what I got was something that made my whole body turn cold, and my stomach dropped.
Another article, with the headline, “Radleigh McCoy’s Wedding Cancelled As He Reunites With Former Love Jen Winters.” My pulse raced. How had this conclusion been reached, and why the hell was it online? How could anyone possibly have gleaned that kind of information based on seeing him out with her and her children? The words swam in front of me as I scrolled the screen and then… the photo.
Jen had her arms wound around Radleigh’s neck, her lips pressed against his. The photo only showed the top half of them so I couldn’t see where Radleigh’s hands were, but he sure as hell wasn’t using them to push her off. My own hands shook as I stared. This couldn’t be real. Had to be some Photoshop trickery, right? Because after everything he’d said, there was no way he’d have let her get so close.
The photo appeared to have been taken outside a hotel. No sign of the kids, just him and her, right there in the open, where the press would obviously see them since they’d been stalking us both since the day before.
It was as if I’d floated out of my body as I clutched my phone, staring at it as I made my way down the stairs. I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing. My emotions seemed to have shut right down, unable to process what I was still staring at. Jen’s eyes were closed as she kissed my man. My. Man. And he… his eyes were only half open, not wide, horrified, but sort of… accepting.
It made no sense. If he was going to be stupid enough to kiss her, why there, outside where it could be seen? And if she’d thrown herself at him knowing their every move was being captured, why hadn’t he leapt away? He definitely didn’t look upset by the kiss.
I found myself in my living room, and I placed my phone on the coffee table, trying to work out what I was supposed to do. I’d gone into some kind of shock whereby any normal reactions had left me. I should have been angry or upset or… something. All I felt was empty. Vacant.
“Leah.”
I was aware some time had passed since I walked down the stairs, and had been standing completely dazed in the living room for a while before I heard Radleigh’s voice. I’d no idea how long, but when I whirled around to see him standing i
n the doorway, reality crashed into me like a tidal wave, bringing with it the rage and pain I’d expected to feel on seeing the photo.
His eyes. They were paler than ever, filled with regret. I couldn’t shift my gaze from them for a few minutes as my emotions battled inside me. God damn him. God damn the way he looked at me. God damn the way he looked in his blue jeans and black shirt that was slightly open at the collar. The same shirt he’d been wearing when that bitch had had her hands on him.
“Leah, it’s not-”
I held my hands up. “If you tell me it’s not how it looked, so help me, I will rip your damn head off.”
Radleigh shook his head. “Just let me explain.”
“A picture speaks a thousand words,” I said flatly.
“Yeah, and not a single one of them is true.” Radleigh stepped into the living room but as he approached me, I took a few steps back.
“Don’t. I don’t want you anywhere near me right now.”
“Okay. Then just listen.”
I gave a single nod, trying to keep a grip of the fury that bubbled around my blood stream. I didn’t want to listen. I didn’t want to hear. I just wanted pretend none of this had happened. That she hadn’t bulldozed her way into our lives and thrown everything into disarray. The stupidity of it all. Just days ago we’d stood in this exact same room arguing about Jen, and right when he should have been coming home, we were doing the same thing all over again.
Radleigh’s feet shuffled awkwardly before he began. “She kissed me. I didn’t even… I didn’t see it coming. She’d been kind of nervous about me meeting Jayden, and when I drove her and the kids back to the hotel, she just… she hugged me. And forgive me, but it had been pretty fucking scary for me too, so yeah, I hugged her back. But then she lunged at me, and she kissed me, and I did push her away, Leah. I know you can’t tell that from the photo, but the press are assholes. Me pushing her away would have made a much less interesting story than the bullshit they actually published.”
“When?” I asked coldly. “When did you push her away? After how long?”
“It was only seconds. The moment I realised what was happening, I shoved her away from me and left. She’s been calling me ever since, but the only thing I’ve done is send her a message to tell her to back off. I haven’t had any other contact with her, and I won’t until everything has been straightened out with you.”
“Straightened out.” I gave a bitter laugh and turned away from him, pushing my hands through my hair. “It’s going to take more than an apology to fix this, Radleigh. The sad thing is, you don’t seem to understand that.”
“Look, I’ve already spoken to Annie and she’s working to get this cleared up, get the photos removed, and get retractions and apologies posted on the websites that published this trash. It’ll all be gone within a few hours.”
“Nothing that’s online ever goes away anymore.” I spun back to face him. “Screenshots of that photo, of you kissing her, it’ll be posted on social media and everyone will see it.”
“So I’ll call everyone who needs to know the truth and tell them. I’ll tell them what happened and it’ll be okay.”
“And the rest of the world?”
He shrugged. “Who cares about them? This is about us. You and me. As long as we know the truth, that’s what matters.”
As I looked at the man who was slowly slipping away from me, I saw regret in his eyes. I saw the love he felt for me, and the fear that he might lose me. Might lose everything. And I saw it because it was reflected in my own eyes. His every fear was mine too.
But his fears weren’t exactly the same as mine. Not really. Seeing his love for me was the very thing that made every part of me hurt. Because it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough for him to be honest with me or himself. I was fully aware I’d been riddled with paranoia, and that maybe I was seeing things that weren’t really there, but deep down in the very core of me, I knew. He might not have invited that kiss, and he never would have made a move on her, but buried somewhere inside him was the question of how things might have been between them.
Radleigh’s eyes met mine, and it was as if he’d heard every thought inside my head. “Don’t ask me to leave. Please.”
“I’m not going to ask you to leave. I’m going to ask you to tell me what you want. And if you don’t know, then you should go until you do know.”
“I want you, Leah.”
“And yet you still let her kiss you.”
“I didn’t let her. She kissed me and I stopped her.”
“Radleigh, let me ask you this. You met her at noon, right? Went out and had lunch then drove her back to the hotel.” He nodded. “So, you got to the hotel at say, two o’clock, maybe a little later?” He nodded again. “It’s four thirty now.”
“What’s your point?”
“I called you last night to tell you I was going out. And I text you last night to tell you Bryce was staying here, so that when the newspapers made a big deal out of it, you wouldn’t be surprised. And I did that even though both of us know perfectly well that nothing would ever have happened between me and Bryce. But you? You have hidden things from me over and over. And this? If this was really nothing? You would have warned me. You should have warned me. Instead, you let me find out in the worst way possible, but my guess is that you were hoping I wouldn’t find out at all. That nobody saw anything, and that you could hide it from me.”
“I would have told you.”
“Well, you’ll have to forgive me for not believing you based on your recent track record for honesty.”
Radleigh sped across the room and grabbed me by the shoulders, forcing me to look at him. “You’re not doing this. You’re not going to throw away everything we have over something that didn’t mean anything.”
I shook my head as his blazing eyes burned in to mine. “I’m not. That’s not what I’m doing. I love you, Radleigh. But right now, I don’t trust you. And if I pretend that’s okay with me, it’s going to eat away at me, and we’re going to fight, and I’m going to drive you right back to her.”
“Don’t you get it?” He shook me, not too forcefully, but enough to make his point. “I am never going back to her. I don’t want her. I don’t care about her.”
Closing my eyes, I sighed before slowly opening them again and looking up at him. “If you can tell me there wasn’t even a small part of you that was curious, that didn’t remember how you felt about her and that you didn’t want to kiss her back, if only for a second, I’ll stop talking, you can go get Jessica, and we’ll live happily ever after.”
Radleigh stared at me for a moment before dropping his gaze to his feet. It wasn’t a surprise, but my breath seemed to catch and I pushed his hands away and stepped back as the emotion I’d been missing came at me in another overpowering wave.
“Leah, I didn’t... it was…” I didn’t need to look at him to know he felt everything I felt. It was clear in the huskiness of his voice, and the slight tremor to his words.
“You need more time,” I whispered. “You need to figure out how you feel.”
“I love you.”
I nodded, trying to swallow the lump in my throat but the tears came anyway, uninvited. “And I love you. But you can’t-” I paused, choking on my words. “You can’t use me to hide away from whatever unresolved feelings you have for her. You have to deal with them.”
Radleigh’s jaw clenched and he shook his head. “I don’t want to go.”
The look of absolute despair on his face caused my heart to split in two, and I was so close to changing my mind, to telling him to stay. But what good would it do? He’d lied to me. Hidden things from me that he knew would hurt me. Even if he thought it was harmless, how could it be? Even if he really didn’t feel anything for her, keeping secrets from me had damaged our relationship. Made me question us. And as much as I wanted him to stay – because what the hell did I know? – maybe taking time apart would push him back to her as much as my paranoia would have.
I had to let him go. To let him work through whatever was happening inside his head.
“You have to,” I said softly. “You have to.”
Radleigh moved towards me again and placed his hands on my face before burying them deep in my hair, his eyes burning through me, then placed his forehead against mine. “When I left on Friday, I promised you I’d be back. And I’m promising you the same thing right now. I’m coming home again, Leah. I’ll go if that’s what you want, and I’ll do what you asked. But as soon you believe that I don’t want anyone else, I’m coming home. And I’m never leaving again.”
I nodded as tears blazed a hot trail down my cheeks. “Okay. Okay.”
He lifted my chin with his finger and pressed his lips to mine, salty tears dropping onto my tongue as he deepened the kiss, reminding me in the best, most honest way how things were supposed to be. My arms wrapped around his waist and I clung to him as his mouth moved across my cheek and he whispered in my ear, “I love you.”
His words weakened my resolve further, but I swallowed back the words that tried to crawl out of my throat and through my lips. Stay. What’s that saying? If you love someone, let them go? I always thought that was a crock of shit. If you love someone, fight to keep them. Do everything you can to make them stay. Yet in that moment, I’d never understood the saying more clearly. Perhaps my thoughts were misguided, messed up, downright wrong. But the only way I could fight for him was by letting him have some space. If I kept him close, questioned his every move, that wasn’t winning. Not to me.
Chapter Twelve – Unbroken and Unbattered
The night Radleigh left ranked right up there with the worst nights of my life. Worse than when I’d left America after he’d broken my heart. Worse than waking up with an overwhelming sense of loss. Before, I’d lost the hope that I’d get the man I wanted. Now? I’d lost the reality of having the man I’d wanted. And I’d been the one to cut the strings and let him loose. I played recent events over and over in my mind, and no matter which way I looked at it, I knew I’d made the right decision. This wasn’t a path I could have taken years ago. Not even when I’d first met him. In fact, if Jen had been around when I was first trying to get with Radleigh, I’d probably have been as underhanded as she was. Back then, though, Radleigh was all I had to lose. Now my whole life was tied to him. And crazy it seemed to let him go his own way in order to have a chance at saving our relationship, to me, it was the only way. Knowing I’d made the wise, mature decision didn’t provide me with any comfort. My insides were hollow and a constant ache hummed where my heart should have been.
