Cruiser

by Dee J. Stone

  Childlike giggles hop against my brain, like a kid throwing a ball against a wall. Over and over again. She used to tease me about my ship all the time. Sometimes she even called it Elvis.

  I shake the rain out of my hair. Drops splat against the front of my bike and the cemented floor of the garage. “Wait until you have something special, Lexi. Then I’ll call it by your full name—Alexaaaandra.” She stuck out her tongue at me. Always joking, always teasing.

  I pull out my cell phone and text Erica. She doesn’t want me over tonight. I snap my phone shut.

  Wish I were Rey right now. Hell, I’ve been wishing that my whole life. He’s got the brains, the talent, the parents’ love.

  He’s got the girl.

  It wasn’t always like that. Can’t believe there was a time when Lex liked me better than Rey—hell, that she liked me at all. She sat with me almost every night when I played my violin, even though I sucked ass, even though Rey was better. An amateur compared to a pro. She always said she loved the way I played.

  I did it just for her. Mom and Dad told Rey what a great violinist he was, told me to work harder if I wanted to reach my brother’s level. “Devote every minute to your violin playing like Reagan and you’ll be just as good as him. Don’t waste your time with all that nonsense. Put the toys away and tell Lexi to go home. You can play with her another time.”

  What a pathetic bastard I am. I should put a drill to my head and get rid of all those memories.

  I go to my room. Tear off my shirt and pants and pull on a pair of dry jeans. Turn on the Xbox console and load a game. Plugging in my earphones, I crank up the music.

  An hour later, my door springs open and Rey walks in. Rolls a chair near me, taking the second controller. “What’s up?” he says.

  I snipe a soldier. He collapses to the ground, blood splashing on the wooden fence around him. “You’re back pretty early. Everything go well on your date?”

  Rey tilts the controller to the side and presses his lips together as he shoots the enemy. “Was okay.”

  “Hmm.” Not like Rey to elaborate on his dates, but my twin telepathy tells me something ain’t right on Planet Love. “You guys going through somethin’?”

  My heart picks up its pace. Pumps blood through my body faster than riding my bike on the freeway.

  Rey doesn’t say anything. Just presses hard on the buttons. His guy dies. “Damn.” He throws the controller on my desk.

  “You sure you’re okay, bro? You still not bummed out about the ‘cital, are you?”

  “Dude, I bombed it.”

  I toss the controller to him. “Was great, in my opinion.” I hand him one of my earbuds. “This will cool you down.”

  We play in silence. Mom yells something from downstairs. We ignore her.

  I’m getting bored of this shooting game. I pop in a racing one.

  “Hey, Cruise?”

  “Whatup?”

  He’s staring at the screen. Virtual cars reflect in his eyes. “Do you think you can get me some pot?”

  My car crashes into a wall. “Pot? You shitting me?” I pause the game and turn to face him. “You can’t be serious, bro.”

  Rey puts down his controller. “I am.”

  I lean back in my chair. Study his face closely. Damn, he is serious.

  “Don’t look at me like that, Cruise. You smoke all the time.”

  “I used to smoke. Gave that shit up in New York. Pot, it messes with you. Once you start it’s hard to stop. It ain’t for you, bro.”

  “I just want to try it, Cruise. Man, everyone’s doing it. Not like I’m going to do it every day or get addicted and shit.”

  “Don’t curse.”

  He laughs. “Every other word that comes out of your mouth is a curse.”

  Yeah, that’s because I’m me and you’re you. Don’t stoop to my level, Rey. It’s a sad, sad place to be.

  “Forget the pot, Rey. Go out with your girl and use her as a distraction. Or somethin’ else. Pot’s not the answer.”

  He clenches his jaw. Squares his shoulders. Squeezes his hands together.

  Oh, man.

  “What do you need it for?” I ask.

  “Gotta have a reason?”

  “Yeah, I’d like a reason.”

  He sighs. Slouches in the chair. “Geez, I don’t know. Just something I feel like doing. Want to try some other stuff for once, you know? You know me, I probably won’t like it. Just want to try it for the heck of it.”

  Now I sigh, rubbing my hand down my face. “Fine, fine. We make a deal? I’ll get it for you. You smoke once and you never do it again. Agreed?”

  “Yeah. Yeah, thanks, Cruise.”

  Yeah. What are brothers for?

  Chapter Twelve

  Lex

  I stab my key in the lock and open the door to my house. Happy voices tickle my ears. I stop dead in my tracks, keys pressed against my palm, ears straining toward those sounds. One is childlike and the other is male. Familiarly male.

  Oh. My. God.

  Tossing my bag somewhere in the hall, I enter the living room. Cruiser’s on his knees across from Rosie, his body bent over a board game laid on the coffee table. Rosie’s sitting forward on the couch, eyes on the game, her eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

  My hands ball into fists and my blood starts to cook. He should not be here.

  “Lexi!” Rosie waves at me. “Come play with us. It sucks with only two people.”

  Cruiser turns toward the doorway. His eyes meet mine.

  This isn’t what I meant when I wished Rosie would play games with other people. I don’t want him near my little sister. Marching inside, I yank the board off the table. Cards and tokens splatter on the floor.

  “Oh em gee!” Rosie says.

  “What are you doing here?” I demand. He hasn’t stepped foot in my house since the night of the accident. As it should be. He’s not welcome here.

  Cruiser slowly gets to his feet, his eyes never leaving my face. “I came over to drop off some of your mail that got mixed in with ours. Your mom asked me to watch Rosie for half an hour while she ran to the store.”

  I don’t care what his reason is. Balling my hands even tighter, I say, “Leave.”

  “Lexi!”

  “I’ll play with you later, Rosie. Right now, Cruiser’s leaving.”

  “Rosie and I are having a great time, Lex,” he says. “Just a harmless game.”

  “Leave my house,” I say through clenched teeth. “Now.”

  He looks at me like he has something to say, but he walks over to a pissed-off Rosie and ruffles her hair. “We’ll play another time.”

  The nerve of him. “If you’re not out of here in thirty seconds I’m calling the police.”

  He marches to the door and I follow, wishing I could hurl a dart at his back. His hands are clenched, too. When we’re a few feet away from the door, Cruiser suddenly spins around and stomps toward me. I find myself backing away like a coward. I hit the wall.

  He presses both of his palms on either side of me and moves his face close, so close our noses almost touch. I stare into his eyes, and find many emotions cluttered in there. Anger, hurt, betrayal.

  “Why?” he mutters.

  I swallow. “You know why.” He’s breathing on me. My brain tells me to stretch my head as far back as I can. My heart tells me to lean closer. His body heat makes me feel like I’m in a sauna.

  He pushes himself off the wall. “No, Lex, I don’t know why. So maybe you’d like to clarify?”

  The memory of the night of the accident attacks my mind. My blood boils. I take a step forward, and to my shock, he falters back. “You’re the reason my little sister is bound to that wheelchair,” I hiss, venom rolling off my tongue like a cobra. “I hate you.” Tears prick my eyes.

  He moves forward, and my back hits the wall again. “You don’t mean that, T. Rex.”

  I look into his dark brown eyes framed by long eyelashes. T. Rex. He hasn’t called me that in…I d
on’t even remember.

  His face is really close now. Despite all the pain I’m feeling, my heart pounds hard at the thought that my lips could touch his if I move my mouth. He looks down at them.

  I pull my head back. “Does your libido work best when you’re confronted with the sins of the past?”

  He’s staring at my lips. My breath catches in my throat. My legs are going to cave and I’m going to slide down to the floor and he’s going to catch me in his arms and then he’s going to move his mouth over mine and…

  I blink those thoughts away and straighten up. “You expect me to respect you when you ruined my family’s life? What are you trying to prove by playing a game with Rosie? Do you think you can give her back her legs? When it comes down to it, you’re nothing but a self-absorbed man-whore, who doesn’t care about anyone. Playing a game with my sister is not going to change that or make up for what you did to her.”

  I expect him to pull away, but he moves his face even closer, so close our lips are only centimeters apart. “I think you’re getting your facts mixed up, Lex. You know what really happened that night, and I’m not the only one who’s to blame.”

  The tears are seconds away from running down my cheeks. Cruiser raises his hand and wipes the corner of my eye with his thumb. I shove him away. “It’s all your fault! You know that. Nothing you say will change that.” My voice is weak and my chest rises and falls heavily.

  Cruiser leans forward and whispers in my ear, his breath tickling my cheek, “The sooner you can forgive yourself for what happened, the sooner you could move on.” He draws back and stares into my eyes. “And maybe the sooner you could forgive me.” He closes his hand around the doorknob and walks out.

  My legs give in and I’m on the floor, tears pouring down my cheeks like a thunderstorm. Just like the night of the accident, when I saw my little sister sprawled across the asphalt.

  After breathing in big gulps of air and wiping my eyes, I get up and head back to the living room. Rosie’s gathering the game pieces, a scowl on her face. With shaky hands, I pick up the tokens from the floor. “Why did you have to go all psycho?” she says. “God.”

  My heart’s still haywire. I can hardly form a coherent sentence. “I’m just looking out for you, Rosie.”

  She rolls her eyes and opens her laptop. “Don’t bother. You always ruin everything.”

  I slink up to my room and fall down on my bed. Tears seep into my pillow. It’s been so long, but it feels like it happened yesterday. Mom asked me to babysit Rosie while she and Dad went out to dinner. I had no problem with it, because I’ve done it before and Rosie was always a good kid. I asked Cruiser to stop by because, well, I really liked him. Like really. And I needed to know if he liked me, too. It turns out he did. He sat Rosie by the TV with The Lion King and asked me to go up to my room where we could be alone. I wasn’t sure at first because of Rosie, but I gave in. Soon after we were making out, and I was so caught up in the moment and the feeling, and so ecstatic that Cruiser liked me back, that I didn’t think of checking on Rosie.

  Then we heard the screeching tires. The yells. We ran outside and saw the sight—a little girl’s broken body strewn on the street, an ambulance’s siren heard somewhere in the distance. Rosie wanted to play with her friends across the street. I hadn’t made sure that the outside door was locked.

  It’s been over a year, and the memories still haunt me. The guilt. No one knows what happened between Cruiser and me that night, other than Dani. I never told Rey. Everyone thinks we were irresponsible. My parents forgave me. So has Rosie. But I’ve never forgiven myself.

  Covering my face, I sob. I put the blame on Cruiser and convinced myself it was his decision to ditch Rosie and go up to my room. He tried to talk to me after that night. I couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t face him. I blamed him, turned all my pain into anger. When he needed me most. I know he felt just as guilty and hurt as me.

  It wasn’t until a little later that I realized how horrible I behaved. I was ready to talk to him and ask him to forgive me, but he pushed me away for other girls. That tore my heart. All I wanted was for him to find solace in me. He never bothered to wait until I was ready.

  His behavior grew worse. He partied and did drugs. His parents sent him away to his grandparents, hoping he’d straighten out. I was lonely, Rey was lonely. It was hard to acknowledge him at first because he reminded me of Cruiser, but after a while we started hanging out. I missed Cruiser and cried every night, but after spending so much time with Rey, he made me feel good. He helped me get over the accident and the guilt I felt for what I caused Rosie. Cruiser was still on my mind, but I thought he was long gone. I never thought he’d come back and pushed him out of my mind and heart. Rey showed me how to be happy again. I fell in love with him.

  Now Cruiser’s back and my feelings are a mess.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Cruiser

  Damn. Been up for hours.

  I reach for the small clock on my night table and squint at the fuzzy letters. 3:46. I rub my eyes and stare at the ceiling.

  Moonlight shines in from my window. The trees outside cast shadows on the walls. I remember being scared when I was a kid. Yeah, scared of the dark. I still don’t like it. Makes me feel alone, forces me to think.

  Lex, Lex, T. Rex.

  That needs to get out of my head. Don’t want to think about her, about the past. About Rosie and the night of the accident. If only I had a switch in my brain. I’d turn off every memory I have, past, present, and even future. They just screw with you. I want to close my eyes and pretend like nothing ever happened.

  Hell it won’t leave me alone.

  I was in love with her. So in love. She messed with my dreams and my thoughts, made me feel things I’ve never felt before. When Dani told me Lex had a crush on me for a while, I wanted to dance on the dining room table like a drunken fool. Then Lex asked me over when she babysat for Rosie, and I knew we’d be alone. Perfect opportunity to tell her how I felt. ‘Course I chickened out and we spent a good part of the night making out.

  Then we heard the car and saw Rosie.

  All I wanted was to hug Lex. Hold her close and comfort her. Tell her it was okay, that it was an accident and she shouldn’t blame herself. That I was the one who took her upstairs. But she wouldn’t look at me.

  I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for that night. For what happened to Rosie. But I’ve accepted it and am trying to move on.

  Rey didn’t know about us. I never told him. I wonder if he would have still made a move on her.

  Rolling onto my stomach, I bury my face in my pillow. As if that erases it all. I throw off my blanket and stalk to the window. Peer out. The streets are quiet. Not a single car on the road. The sky’s black and there’s a full moon.

  Damn. I didn’t notice Lex sitting by her window. What’s she doing up this late? The moonlight glows into the window, on her face and her pink pajamas. Makes me see her so clearly. Her hair’s draped around her face and shoulders in a jumbled mess. Her eyes look ragged.

  She’s staring at the moon, too.

  Lex, Lex, T. Rex.

  I’m a bastard. Having these strong feelings for a girl who belongs to my brother. Gotta forget her. Forget the past and everything that happened because there’s no going back to how it used to be.

  I snap the shade closed. Turn my back on the window. On her. Gotta try to forget her. Not sure I could love another girl like I love her. I tried in New York, but she’s got my heart. I need to join the Navy. Constantly be on the go. This Cruiser’s cruising solo for all of eternity.

  ***

  Can’t breathe.

  I pull the blanket off my face. Take deep breaths. The sun blinds me. Didn’t I close that shade?

  Sitting up, I strain my ears. Voices downstairs. I reach for my clock. 9:13. Who the hell comes over at nine o’clock on a Sunday?

  Then it hits me. Grandma Dorothy and Grandpa Herbert, my other grandparents. They always visit the se
cond Sunday of the month. Haven’t seen or spoken to them in a year.

  I slam myself down on the bed. It creaks. Like it’s telling me to get my lazy ass up and do something productive. I slam down again. It creaks more. I kick my blanket and hurl my pillow across the room. I won’t be able to function if I don’t get some sleep. I roll onto my stomach. The blanket wraps around my left leg.

  My eyes shut tight. The voices get louder. Screw it. I’m not going to get any sleep this morning. I pull on a shirt and jeans and head to the bathroom. Catch my reflection in the mirror. Bloodshot eyes, messy hair. Looks like I have a hangover. It’s these damn emotions.

  Forget Lex.

  You got that right.

  I turn on the faucet. Splash water on my face. Run my hands through my hair. Eh, I look somewhat good. I stop at the foot of the stairwell and listen to my grandparents talking to Rey. Praising him. I hop down the steps and head for the door.

  “Elvis, care to join us for breakfast?” Mom calls.

  Damn. I make a one-eighty and walk inside.

  They’re at the table, Herb in a white shirt and suspenders and Grandma in some yellow dress, her gray curls pinned up. Rey’s across from them with a bowl of cereal. Face flushed, a sign that he’s getting all the love and attention. Dad looks small and unimportant, as he usually does when they’re in the room.

  They all stop talking when I walk in. “Elvis, good morning,” Grandma Dorothy says, looking me up and down. Her nose wrinkles. Guess I failed inspection. I mutter a hello and get a bowl and sit down near Rey. Pour half the box. They’re staring at me. Assessing. Thinking, pondering, hoping I’ve changed.

  I grunt and pour the milk.

  “And we understand you joined the law club as well, Reagan,” Herb says, picking up from where their conversation left off.

  “Yeah.” Rey beams like he just won the favor of the president.

  “Well, you’re quite the busy boy,” Dorothy chimes in, mixing her coffee with a spoon. “The debate team, the law club, student body, and orchestra.” Her eyes shift to me. “What activities have you signed up for, Elvis?”

  I need to get out of here. “Nothing.” Shit, I just spat cereal all over the table.