Silent Flutter (The Butterfly Series)

by Lacey Ellmoore

  All three girls looked at me with surprise. This was not the Quinn they were used to. Normally I was the one playing bartender and forcing everyone to take a shot at every red light as one of my on-the-go-drinking-games. Mary turned to look at me suspiciously from her position in the driver's seat, "I'm DD until we arrive safely at The Pasture. You're only riding and drinking, totally harmless!"

  I sat stunned, frozen in my position (mouth agape, eyes wide) at her familiar words. Judd said the exact same thing on Our Night, when I chastised him for his roadie beer.

  "What's up with you, Q? You look like you saw a ghost or something," my leggy red headed friend next to me in the backseat asked. When I didn't answer, Tandi shoved my arm. "Earth to Quinn! Is anyone home in there?"

  "Wha... Yeah, I'm here. I was just remembering something, that's all."

  "Does this "something" have anything to do with that Judson ass you've been whining about for a year?" Tandi wasn't known for her superb listening skills.

  "It's Judd. And yeah, sort of." I paused for a moment while gathering my thoughts. "Anyways, let’s get going. I want to beat the guys there so we get first dibs on the sleeping arrangements." I tried to change the subject before they pushed any further. Just saying his name out loud made me want to tear up. Or text him. Both of which were against the rules. Inner-me set some very strict rules when it came to Judd:Rule #1. No more crying about him. Rule #2. No more talking about him. Rule #3. No more thinking about him (this was a tough one to control). Rule #4. No texting or calling him! So far I was obediently following all of my inner rules, except for the occasional slip on number three.

  Twenty minutes later we arrived at the big iron gates to The Pasture. I hopped out of the backseat and twisted the combination of the padlock and pushed the gates far enough open that the Tahoe would fit through. I left the lock open for when the guys arrived but I swung the gate back closed so that no animals (horses mostly) would be able to escape. The sky was so clear out in the open air, no lights from businesses dimming the stars and not a cloud in sight. It was chilly though, now that the sun had gone down. South Texas weather was so finicky. In December I could be wearing shorts and a tank top one day and jeans and a sweater the next. I was glad this was the latter. It didn't feel like New Years unless the temperature got below sixty degrees, which for us, was freezing.

  The trailers and campground were about two hundred yards from the iron gates, down a dirt road surrounded by trees and wildlife. When we pulled up to the designated "parking spots" in the grass behind the trailers, I noticed there was a fire already roaring to life in the man-made pit in the ground. The guys had beaten us here. "Damn it! So much for choosing beds first," I groaned.

  "Whatever, Quinn. Your dad like owns this place so you'll get to sleep wherever you want," Tandi argued. More proof that she was not a great listener.

  "My dad's FRIEND owns this place and that is so not true. Last New Year’s I slept, or passed out rather, on the cold linoleum floor between the table slash sofa and the kitchen sink with a roll of paper towels as a pillow and a beach towel to cover up with."

  "Well, that's your own fault for drinking an entire bottle of champagne on your own at midnight. Maybe this year you should share that shit and you won't be so apt to pass out on the floor."

  I laughed at the memory even though my reason for excess drinking was not at all comical. "I promise to share this year," I giggled back at her.

  "What took y'all so long? Your hair dryers on the fritz or something?" our burliest guy friend, Callum, slurred as we descended the SUV.

  "It's only nine -fifteen and you're drunk already?" I accused.

  "We got here at eight like y'all said. It's not our fault that eight means eight to a man but eight means nine-thirty to a woman. And I'm not drunk! We just popped a few open as soon as we got here," he declared innocently.

  "We said we would start getting READY at eight. There's a big difference," I explained.

  "Pshhh. Females," he garbled, looking to the other two guys for validation.

  "I'm staying out of this one," He claimed, holding His palms out in front of Him like He was proving to a cop that He was unarmed. "You won't win a fight with these girls. Besides, they look gorgeous, who cares how long it took them to get here?" He added, looking only at me, a smile lifting on his lips.

  I looked around to find that The Girls’ questioning eyes were all on me. I guess they noticed that His “they look gorgeous” seemed to be predominantly directed at me. A hot blush swept across my cheeks. I shrugged them off and turned towards the ice chests full of different brands of beer. Just as I was popping the tab on my first beer it donned on me, "I didn't close the padlock because I thought you guys weren't here yet. I need someone's car keys so I can drive down there and lock up," I asked of no one in particular.

  "I'll walk with you down there," He said, grabbing a flashlight from the backseat of His truck. "It's not that far."

  "Are you sure, I can just drive down there real fast?"

  "No, it's fine. I'm due for an adventure," He said, banging the head of the flashlight on his palm until the light flickered on.

  "Ha! Some adventure," Callum chuckled. "The meanest things out here are the fuzzy wuzzy wittle wabbits."

  We both just rolled our eyes at our tipsy friend and took off onto the dark path back towards the gates.

  Our walk began with a deafening silence, both of us focusing all of our attention on the beam of light illuminating the path in front us. He was the first to finally speak. "I have a confession to make."

  My stomach balled up in knots as my brain started processing the millions of things that could come out of his mouth next. He chuckled, "Calm down, Q. I’m not coming out of the closet or anything."

  My brain scramble was interrupted when I finally realized what he said. "Wait. What? "

  "You look like you're on the verge of a panic attack," He observed, still laughing to himself. I didn't realize that my face had twisted up and my eyes had glossed over.

  "No, I'm fine. I was just thinking. What's your, ummm, confession?" I drew the last word out like I was trying to stall.

  "No, now I think I'll make you wait for it. You're pretty cute when you're freaking out," He said through a playful grin.

  "Oh stop," I said, shoving Him with my shoulder. "I am not. Now confess already!"

  "Ok. My confession is (pause) I am really glad we didn't get the Omni for tonight. Something about spending New Years in a stuffy hotel room just didn't seem like us. Ya know?"

  I exhaled a deep breath that I hadn’t even realized I was holding. "I'm glad, too, actually. I had a lot of fun out here last year. Well, until I passed out and nearly froze to death."

  He laughed, "Well hey; at least I covered you up with that beach towel after you passed out. Sorry about that by the way. All of the blankets were taken and that's all I could find."

  "That was you? I figured one of The Girls felt sorry for me or felt guilty that they weren't taking better care of me in my drunken state."

  "It was the least I could do. You know, after that amazing triple kiss!"

  He was the "lucky guy" that got to kiss two girls last year at midnight. When I first discovered that He would be the one sandwiched in a kiss with me and my best girlfriend I felt a little weird about it. He was my closest friend out of all of the guys and in the past five New Year’s He was the only one that I had never kissed. But by the time midnight rolled around I was already completely inebriated and numb to any and all reservations about the triple kiss.

  "Oh yes, how could I forget about our first kiss?" I joked, thinking back on the memory of the three of our faces squished together; unsuccessfully trying to make each of our lips reach the other.

  I could see the crisscross pattern of the rusted, iron gate through the stream of light in front of us. When we reached it I stuck my arm through to the other side and slid the lock in place. "There, now we can all sleep in peace tonight knowing that we are locked in safe
and sound," I said, turning to head back up to camp. I went about two steps until He grabbed my wrist and tugged me back towards Him. For a moment, He just stood facing me, looking down and straight into my eyes.

  "Quinn."

  "Yeah?"

  "If it's ok with you, I'm not going to count that as our first kiss. Besides, it was more of you and Mary kissing and my lips just happened to be sharing the same space."

  Does this mean He wants another first kiss with me? A real one? Where's that damn, tiny net when you need it?

  "Yeah. That's alright with me," I answered, gazing up at His alluring face, glowing from the artificial light in His hand and the full, unclouded moon above.

  I thought He was going to kiss me right then and there; but He didn't. He grabbed my hand in His and led us back up on the path. My fingers tingled at his touch. We continued the rest of our "adventure" with idle chatter about Christmas and the upcoming semester, avoiding any subjects that neared intimacy. Just before reaching the fire-lit camp He dropped my hand and we headed off in different directions: me, inside the trailer to make drinks with The Girls and Him, to the sawed-off tree stump to sit around the fire with the boys.

  At exactly 11:58 PM we all set the stopwatches on our phones in preparation for the countdown to midnight. The Girls and I popped the champagne corks and poured a small amount into seven different plastic cups so that we could toast the start of a new year. Mary plugged her I-pod into the portable speakers and turned up Auld Lang Syne to the highest volume. The guys all groaned in unison. “Ugh! Not this song, please! Do we have to listen to this every year?” Callum griped.

  “Yes, we do! Its special and its tradition!” she barked back.

  Each of us made our way over to the fire and took our places around it. The stopwatch on my phone was counting down quickly: 0:25. 0:24. 0:23. 0:22. 0:21. 0:20. As I watched the seconds tick by rapidly, I suddenly realized that I had no idea what was going to happen when the countdown hit 0:00 and the clock struck midnight. Normally, by this point, everyone had their “kissing assignments” lined up so there would be no confusion when the countdown ceased. Panic struck. 0:19. 0:18. 0:17. 0:16. 0:15. My eyes feverishly danced from face to face around the fire. I really don’t want to end up in an awkward triple kiss again. I’m totally freaking out. I only have fifteen seconds. Fourteen. Thirteen. Twelve. Eleven. Maybe I’ll just occupy my lips and chug my champagne at midnight. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. What if HE wants to kiss me? What if He DOESN’T? Five. Four. Three. Should I make the first move? Two. One. 0:00.

  January 1, 2011

  I woke up around 9:30 the next morning to the sound of two of the guys stirring in the “kitchen” of the double wide. It took me three attempts to peel my eyelids from their comfortable resting place and finally open them about a quarter of the way. The sunlight pouring in through the opening between the dusty green curtains was literally causing me physical pain. My head was throbbing and my stomach had that all-too-familiar woozy feeling like any sudden movement would have me losing all of its contents; which at that point was at least five Miller Lites, an entire bottle of champagne, six straight shots of Coconut Rum, and several Vodka-Sprites.

  Why do I always mix my alcohols? What was it that Mom always said? “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear. Beer before liquor couldn’t be sicker.” Why is this the one piece of advice from my mother that I always choose to ignore? I lied there (in one of the full-sized beds with an actual pillow and blanket) and tried to piece together the events from last night. My memories were fuzzy and for some reason I was feeling anxious. Or excited. The two emotions were indecipherable at the moment.

  I squeezed my eyes shut tight trying to block out the present in order to tap into my memories of the night before. I listed off the events in chronological order as I remembered them: He and I walked together to lock the gate. I thought He was going to kiss me. He didn’t. The Girls and I mixed some drinks and sat around the fire while the boys had a contest of who could keep their feet as close to the fire as possible for the longest amount of time. We played flip cup and beer pong. We took some shots. Many shots. We all set our phones for the countdown. I didn’t know who I was supposed to kiss at midnight so I suffered through a mini panic attack while watching the numbers fly by. A lump in my throat formed and my heart lurched as the memory came flooding back and dizzied my head. An involuntary smile formed on my lips as I opened my eyes and forced my aching head to turn to my right. He was there.

  The sun filtered in and hi-lighted the subtle contours of His bare stomach and was casting strange shadows along His stubbled jaw line and neck. He looked peaceful. Beautiful. I couldn't help myself; I reached out and lightly stroked His chest with my fingertips as if my hand was forced to Him by some magnetic connection. I turned my body completely so that I could lie facing Him and nestled comfortably back into my pillow and closed my eyes. Crystal clear images of the night before floated effortlessly into my mind.

  0:00. I looked down at the screen of my phone grasped tightly in my hand and froze. Involuntarily my body turned slightly away from the group and the fire as I closed my eyes and lifted my cup to my mouth. Yes, chug your champagne and this moment will be over before you know it. I was on my second gulp when the cup was torn from my lips and tossed in the dirt somewhere below me. I opened my eyes and He was standing only inches from my face and his hands were reaching out for my flushed cheeks.

  He grabbed them tightly between His hands and pulled me in so close that I could feel His heart beating against my own chest. His lips crushed hard and full around mine causing me to lose my breath. His kiss was determined and focused and fueled by passion, not at all like I thought it would be. And that was a good thing. He was always the more reserved one, shy even, but there was nothing shy about the way His mouth was taking control over mine. His tongue trailed along my bottom lip causing me to part mine and welcome Him in. This was definitely our first kiss. My fingers tangled in the hair above His neck as our tongues continued their effortless dance. His hands remained firm against my cheeks holding us together as if He was scared that I would run if He let go. I was not running. Heat was spreading deep down inside me causing my body to react and press even tighter against Him.

  I could've stayed in that kiss forever but our friends began to whoop and holler behind us. "Woah! Since when did we start including tongue in our New Year’s kisses? I'm getting’ jipped!" Callum exclaimed. Mary punched him in the shoulder, although I'm sure with her little frame and his drunken state that he didn't feel much. The Girls all stood still, watching us, smiles plastered to their stunned faces.

  Ignoring the comments from our immature friends He brushed the hair back from my face and leaned down to whisper in my ear, "Now that was definitely our first kiss." My thoughts exactly.

  The night continued on as normal, except He and I were constantly finding ways to touch or sneak in soft kisses when we thought no one was looking. The Girls and I began slamming back one too many shots, we all played a couple of rounds of "Never have I Ever" until Tandi got pissed when no one believed her innocence and we brought in the New Year together for our fifth year in a row until dawn began to sneak up on us.

  I felt Him stir beneath my fingertips and I was woken from my tingling recollection of one of the best first kisses I'd ever experienced. "Mmmm you're awake," he breathed almost silently through a giddy smile. "Good morning Sweetheart."

  There it was again: sweetheart. Only this time it didn't feel awkward and out of place. The term forced my lips to curve upward to match His grin. "Yes it is," I replied. "

  "How are you feeling today? You never seem to disappoint when it comes to holding your alcohol. You girls can drink most guys I know under the table."

  "Well I wouldn't go that far. My head is killing me, my stomach is queasy and my brain feels like a scrambled mess of broken up clips and images." His eyebrows furrowed and He looked at me nervously. I decided to toy with Him a bit, so I continued, “Yeah, I hate it w
hen I black out. I can only remember small bits and pieces from last night."

  Then His eyes narrowed and the nerves were replaced by worry. "Bits and pieces? What pieces exactly?"

  He was too easy, but I didn't want to torture Him too long. "I'm messing with you," I laughed. "Well, sort of. My memories are fuzzy, but only the ones that occurred after two AM."

  He exhaled a sigh of relief and wrapped His arm around my waist to pull me in close to His side, and then kissed my temple lightly. His skin was warm and comforting. I was just about to fall back into some much needed sleep curled up against Him when the guys in the kitchen started whining. "Are you love birds just going to liein bed all day or are you going to help us clean up? This place is trashed!" We both groaned and kicked the covers off so we could join the group in making The Pasture "cleaner than it was when we got there."

  January 2, 2011

  "Do you really have to go back already? I was kind of getting used to having you around," He pouted while helping me load my bags into my car.

  "I've always been around," I giggled at Him while forcing my crammed trunk to close.

  "What I meant was I was getting used to having your lips around." He took my purse and the last small bag off of my shoulder and tossed them on top of my car, and pulled me firm into His body. He lifted my chin with one finger and kissed me sweetly with His pouting lips. My knees weakened at His touch.

  "Yes, I have to go back," I whined when He released my lips. "Classes start back up again next week and I need to get back to my abandoned crappy apartment. I didn't even think to clean out the fridge before I left a month ago and there's no telling what kinds of things have taken on life in there." He flared His nose as if He could smell the stench from my parent's driveway. "But hey, on the plus side, my electricity bill is going to be minuscule for once!"