Silent Flutter (The Butterfly Series)

by Lacey Ellmoore

  “I need you to go, Judd. Things went way too far tonight, and that was not what I intended. I just wanted you to know that I’m happy and moving on. I hope you find someone out there to chase.”

  “I thought I already had,” he whispered softly. “I just need to know one thing, and then I’ll leave. Forever.” This time he spoke with so much conviction that I had to hear him out.

  “What?” I asked nervously.

  “Did you feel them? Tonight?”

  “Feel what?” I asked the question although I already knew what he meant.

  “The butterflies? Did you feel them when you were with me tonight?” I stared blankly at him, hoping that he wouldn’t know my answer. “Because if you did,” he continued, “and I’m almost certain of it, just know this: those don’t just happen with anyone. They may happen on the first date, or for the first couple of months, but for most people, they fade. It’s when you find that one person, that even after a year, two years, even ten years, that still gives you that electric feeling deep down in your stomach, that you know you’ve found someone worth the chase.”

  Judd walked out of my crappy apartment and out of my life that night; although, I’m not sure if he ever really walked out of my mind. He looked crushed, yet, I also sensed a hint of resolve in his eyes…and in mine. I put him behind me and did everything that I could to carry on and just enjoy the relationship that I was in.

  The relationship that I was in: I didn’t tell Him about that meeting with Judd, and I probably never will. It was meant for closure and the kiss was never supposed to happen: it wasn’t something that I felt He needed to know. It was like I was holding onto that last moment with Judd and if I told anyone about it, especially Him, that moment would have been torn from me forever. The guilt of the kiss eventually dimmed, but never truly disappeared. Sometimes, when He would say something sweet or loving, all of the guilt would come crashing back down on me and I couldn’t help thinking, He doesn’t deserve this. He deserves better.

  My last summer of college was upon me, and I was determined to make my senior year as uncomplicated as possible. He and I spent the summer in our hometown with our old friends from high school. Living only an hour from the beach kept us busy yet lighthearted and carefree. Towards the end of summer, just before the start of our last year in college, the seven of us met up for a Beginning of the End bonfire in the dunes.

  August 24, 2011

  We loaded the back of His Chevy truck with chairs, towels, firewood and two ice chests full of beer. The girls and I all sat in the back while the three guys rode up front with Him. We listened to music and laughed all the way out to the beach that night. It was going to be one of those unforgettable nights with friends.

  The beach was not nearly as crowded that evening as it had been all summer. Most people were already back at school, ready to start the fall semester and families usually brought their children in before it got dark. We chose a spot near the water, but far enough into the sand that the waves wouldn’t put out the flame, and then The Girls and I began to set up the towels and chairs in a circle around it. I sat down on my large pink and orange beach towel and lit up a cigarette. The nicotine and salt from the air mixed beautifully on my tongue.

  He immediately came to me and laid out His towel next to mine. Callum got the fire started, while Mary set up her iPod on the cordless speaker system. The guys began cracking open beers and we all followed suit. I looked around the fire at the faces of my best friends and my mind instantly drifted back to that night on New Years at The Pasture. It was our first kiss, and a really good one at that. It was also the first time He called me Sweetheart, and it didn’t feel awkward like it had in the past. It felt right. I inched in closer to Him until I was cuddled up next to His side, and He naturally draped His long arm over my shoulder. This felt right, too. I tilted my chin up until I could see His eyes, and that was His cue. He leaned down and kissed me softly, and then looked into my eyes and smiled. I smiled back at Him and mouthed, “I love you.”

  “I love you, more,” He mouthed back.

  The word, more, punctured my mind like a thumbtack in a corkboard. It sunk in slowly, yet effortlessly and permanently. More. I couldn’t help but silently repeat it over and over again. Normally, this would be the moment when the girlfriend argued back with, “No, I love you more,” and a silly game of tug-of-war with words would begin. But I didn’t argue back. I just sank down farther into His arms, causing Him to wrap them even tighter around me. The need to feel as close to Him as possible suddenly overwhelmed me.

  The Guys began to construct a makeshift beer bong out of a funnel and cut-off piece of water hose. I don’t think they’ll ever grow out of this. The Girls and I all tried miserably to guzzle our beers as smoothly as The Guys, but most of the contents form the funnel just ended up down the front of our sundresses. After several failed attempts, we eventually gave up and left the chugging to the men. The Girls and I had no problem; however, consuming our beers quickly from the cans they came in. After we each had at least three or four in us, and were feeling the alcohol’s effects, Tandi stood up and shouted, “Let’s play a game!”

  “As long as it’s not some girly fru fru game, I’m down,” Callum retorted.

  “When have we ever made you guys play a “girly fru fru” game? And what does that even mean?” Tandi choked back a laugh.

  “I don’t know, I just don’t want to end up skipping and dancing around the fire or anything silly like that. Let’s play a game that I’m good at. Let’s playing a drinking game!” Callum announced loudly while thrusting his beer into the air.

  “Well, duh!” she exclaimed. “That’s what I meant! Hmmm let’s see,” she said, cupping her index finger and thumb around her chin as if in serious thought. “I guess we could start off with Never Have I Ever,” Tandi proposed. She looked around at all of our faces, waiting for someone to oppose, “Ok then it’s settled. I’ll start,” she began. I really was in no mood for this Friends-Tell-All rendition of a drinking game. Besides, what’s left that we don’t already know about each other.

  “Ok,” Tandi remained standing as she continued, “I know we all know the rules, but I’m going to quickly go over them just as a review.” We all groaned in unison because she always felt the need to recall the rules of drinking games for us. She went to college in Austin, at the University of Texas, and the superiority of her school to most of ours sometimes went to her head.

  “Anyways!” she shouted over our groans of disapproval, “I’ll start the game off. I’ll say something that I’ve never done, and those of you that have will have to take a drink. Then we will continue to take turns clockwise around the fire,” she said, making a counterclockwise circle with her finger. No one corrected her because we all just wanted to get on with it. “And you aren’t allowed to lie!” she added. “Ok, let’s begin. Never have I ever…. been skinny dipping at the beach,” she finished.

  Keith, the tallest and lankiest of the group, tipped his beer back and poured the liquid down his throat, and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that Mary took a sip, as well. Our eyes all opened widely in shock as we looked back and forth between the two of them.

  “What? So we got drunk one night by ourselves and decided to drive down here for a midnight swim. What’s the big deal?” Keith asked, brushing it off. Mary turned bright red as my eyes bore into hers.

  “You’ve got some explaining to do,” I whispered in her direction. She quickly looked down at the can in her hand.

  “The big deal is y’all were naked!” Tandi exclaimed. “Do you two make a habit of being naked together and not telling anyone about it?” she asked, wiggling her long, slender finger back and forth between the two of them.

  “What? These two are naked together all the time and no one gives them any shit about it,” Keith accused, pointing at He and I. We both just grinned bashfully and looked at one another. “Can we just get on with this, I’ll go next.” Everyone dropped the issue for the mom
ent, but she was definitely going to have to tell me all about her late night swim session with her best guyfriend. “Never have I ever,” Keith began, “kissed two girls at once.”

  He released His arm from around my shoulders so that He could steady himself while He took a drink, and then He held His can up for me and Mary to cheers. We clanked our cans against His and then took a sip ourselves. Smiles were plastered to our faces as we thought back to that New Year’s triple kiss nearly two years ago.

  Callum went next. “Yeah, yeah, aren’t you all so cool? My turn! Never have I ever, puked from a night of drinking,” He stated proudly. Everyone but Callum took sips of our beers and complained of how “lame” his confession was.

  “Aren’t you the cool one now?” Mary scoffed. “I’ll go next,” she said standing. “Never have I ever, slept with someone on the first date.” Everyone looked around, and then it felt like all eyes were on me. I was definitely the most experienced one in the group due to Operation Get Over The Bastard. I was aware that He knew somewhat of my past with the Conquests, but I didn’t actually want to flaunt it in front of Him. Technically, the night with Baby Blue after Whiskey Sours was the only time I slept with someone on the “first date” so to speak. I had known the other Conquests for quite some time before getting into their beds (and then dashing out). I took one, quick, embarrassed drink and then looked around at the group. Our shyest girlfriend, Shanna, took a quick sip as well and everyone’s eyes immediately left mine to meet hers.

  “Hey, I can have a little fun every now and then, too,” she whimpered.

  “Ooooh, details please!” Tandi begged.

  He removed His arm from my shoulder once again and stood like the rest had done on their turns. “Why don’t we just leave her alone? Isn’t anyone allowed to have a personal life around here?” He asked. “Anyways, it’s my turn. Never have I ever, cheated on someone.”

  The air was immediately sucked from my lungs. He said it quickly, not like the rest of the group that had to pause while thinking about something they had never done. His statement was direct and spit out like something He had been holding in all night. This time everyone looked around nervously, not understanding why He would choose something so off-putting. I clutched the beer in my hand, scared that it would involuntarily rise to my lips. Does He know about that night in May? The kiss with Judd? How could He? Can He sense it? Maybe He’s just testing me to see if I ever have cheated in the past. Millions of questions and thoughts scrambled through my head as each one of us continued to look around at the others. No one had taken a drink.

  “I guess I’m not getting anyone with that one,” He chuckled, and then plopped back down beside me in the sand. He seemed blithe and flippant, but something behind his tone when He said the word, cheated, made me think that there was more to it.

  The game continued on in the circle, and I gave up a confession as lame as Callum’s when it was my turn. Once we finished the round, we decided to end the game so that we could just sit and talk and listen to the music flowing loudly from the speakers. After at least ten beers, Callum and Keith proceeded to strip down to nothing but their boxers, begging The Girls to join them for a swim. They were complete opposites in build and coloring and looked strange standing next to each other beneath the moonlight. Callum was thick, stout and tan while Keith was tall, lean and pale. Both were attractive in their own ways, and if any of The Girls could ever see them as something other than a best friend then they would be lucky to have them.

  I had a feeling that something more than one scandalous swim was happening between Keith and Mary, because I caught her staring, or admiring rather, his practically nude body when she thought no one was looking. He, too, was concentrating all of his begging on her. The Girls finally gave in, with the help of a little liquid courage, and stripped off their dresses until they were standing near the water in just their bras and panties. We heard one of the guys count to three, and in a rush they all ran out into the water as the waves came crashing in.

  He and I were left alone by the fire for the first time that night. “It’s really pretty out here at night time huh?” I asked.

  “What? Oh, yeah. I like it better than when it’s crowded during the day.” I could tell that I disrupted His thoughts.

  I looked out into the dark water at our friends splashing and jumping around. I could barely here the faint sound of their laughs and voices, and at this distance, it was hard to decipher who was who. The current had already taken them out much farther than the shore. Then I leaned into Him and removed the fresh cigarette from my mouth and put it out in the sand. “I want you,” I whispered delicately in His ear.

  “Here? But our friends are all right there,” He said pointing towards their scarcely visible silhouettes.

  “They can’t see us from way out there,” I countered. “Come on, this scene is just too romantic to pass up. We have the moon and the fire and the sound of the waves rolling in. It’ll be perfect.”

  “I don’t know, Quinn. I don’t think I’m into right now. Maybe later, K, Sweetheart?” Then He turned His face back towards the fire and took a long gulp from his beer.

  “But they will be back later and we probably won’t have another moment alone,” I argued again, but in my softest most sultry voice. I tried to turn His face back towards mine with my fingers, but He held it steady.

  “Just not right now, ok? Later.” This time His voice was much more strident.

  But later never came. Our friends eventually came back in, soaking wet and full of life, while the two of us remained seated close to one another, yet He couldn’t have felt farther away. We drank a bit more and I chain-smoked my way through the rest of the night. I don’t know what changed in Him that night, but something was definitely different. Somehow we went from “I love you, more,” to “not right now” in a matter of minutes. I wanted badly to know what He was thinking, but at the same time, I couldn’t bring myself to ask. Do I really want to know?

  IT’S ONLY THE BEGINNING NOW

  August 22, 2011

  School started up again at the end of August, and I was finally getting to start my student- teaching assignment. I wouldn’t go to any actual classes on campus, except for twice a month to check in with my advisor and hand in all of the required paperwork. My first assignment was to teach eighth grade Language Arts at a local junior high. My mentor teacher, Mrs. McCray, was strict with her students, yet brilliant at her craft. The first couple of weeks were spent observing her in her everyday life as a teacher, and in those two weeks, I learned more about teaching than I ever had sitting in a college classroom (with the exception of Dr. Lasser’s courses). Once the two weeks were up, it was then my turn to start teaching the lessons, while Mrs. McCray observed and took down notes on my performance.

  My first lesson was on poetry: a subject that I, myself, had the most passion for. I gave my students the poem, New Beginnings, by Gertrude B. McClain, and began the lesson by handing each student a copy of the poem, and then reading it aloud for them.

  It's only the beginning now

  ...a pathway yet unknown

  At times the sound of other steps

  ...sometimes we walk alone

  The best beginnings of our lives

  May sometimes end in sorrow

  But even on our darkest days

  The sun will shine tomorrow.

  So we must do our very best

  Whatever life may bring

  And look beyond the winter chill

  To smell the breath of spring.

  Into each life will always come

  A time to start anew

  A new beginning for each heart

  As fresh as morning dew.

  Although the cares of life are great

  And hands are bowed so low

  The storms of life will leave behind

  The wonder of a rainbow.

  The years will never take away

  Our chance to start anew

  It's only t
he beginning now

  So dreams can still come true.

  It was a poem about life in its most simplistic form, but it also heeded the opportunity for my students to connect to it in their own, unique ways. Before dissecting the poem for figurative language and its literary devices, I had my students journal their thoughts, like I had been taught to do when interpreting poetry. I took their journals home with me that night, and read through what each individual had to say about New Beginnings. Some connected to it in very personal ways, while others simply took the words at face value, but the most enlightening interpretation of the words, came from within. Through reading the thoughts of twenty-six twelve and thirteen year-olds, I was able to make my own connection to McClain’s words.

  The first line, It’s only the beginning now, brought on an emotion that I was unprepared for: fear. I had always considered the past twenty-one years of my life to be the beginning and that it was now time for me to complete the middle; the heart and soul of my lifetime. The time in my life where I knew who I was, what I was to become, and where my life was headed. The fact that this was “only the beginning” scared me in that I wasn’t sure if this was where I wanted my life to begin. I thought about the elements that life should actually consist of: family, friends, fun, heartache, love…all of which, I had or once experienced.

  But when I thought about that last element, Judd’s words came crashing down on me, “but is that really enough?” I loved The Bastard once, but it wasn’t enough to reignite the dwindling flame. I love, Him, now. But is it enough? Judd insinuated that I was capable of loving and being loved by “hundreds” of guys out there, but without the electricity…the butterflies, was love enough?

  Tears streamed down my face as I sat cross-legged on my bed, rereading the lines over and over again. I think I’m reading too much into this, I thought. Life doesn’t have to be this complicated web of emotions and questions. I should just be able to focus on the simple elements, like family and fun and the others will just fall into place. It wasn’t until I got to last stanza that the tears stopped. The years will never take away, Our chance to start anew, It's only the beginning now, So dreams can still come true. Once I read those words, the fear was gone.