Silent Flutter (The Butterfly Series)

by Lacey Ellmoore

  I spent my days at work, “molding young minds,” while He spent half of His at the firm and the other half having His “mind molded” at the University of Houston. On most evenings we ate dinner, sat out on the balcony until the sun began to set, and then cuddled up on the couch to watch T.V. before heading off to bed. We had a routine. On the weekends we met up with some of his co-workers for drinks or went to the movies, normal “couple stuff.” My anxiety about the move had subsided and I was finally sinking my teeth into my New Life. I still missed my friends and family like crazy, but with His workload both form school and the firm, we hadn’t been able to find time to actually go home to visit them. I finally deduced that if I wanted to see them, I was going to have to go alone or wait until we both had some time off for the holidays.

  The routine became just that, though. Routine. Our sex life was also starting to feel more like a habit than an incredible urge that needed to be filled. Is this supposed to happen this soon in a relationship? I thought one night, mid action. I know couples get into ruts after like ten years of marriage, but we’ve only been together for a year and a half. And we’re not married! Maybe it’s because we were friends for so long first. Maybe we hit the “comfort level” sooner than most, and that’s why everything just feels so….so comfortable. So…mundane. “Quinn, babe, you’re gonna have to help me out a little bit.” His voice startled me and shook me from my inner thoughts.

  I opened my eyes, not even realizing that I had them closed, to find Him staring at me from His position above, His body had stopped moving into mine. “Umm, why’d you stop?” I asked naively.

  “Because I kind of feel like I’m doing all the work, here. I want you to turn over,” He said breathless. “Sit up and turn towards the wall,” He commanded, with a smile on His face.

  Shouldn’t that just be something that happens in the heat of the moment? I thought. Since when did we start directing the step-by-step process of making love? But, I did as He asked and followed through with the motions of seemingly good sex. It wasn’t until He asked me to “lie back down and wrap my legs around Him,” that I truly wanted it to be over.

  November 10, 2012

  Mom, Marin and June called almost every day to hear the latest “crazy thing one of my students said in class today.” They loved to hear stories about my life as a twenty-three year-old trying to maintain authority over students not much younger than me. Lana was busy with grad school, and Mary had found a job back in our home town. Something about wanting to be close to her mom while she was going through nasty divorce number two. But I still heard from The Girls at least once a week. Although, nothing could have prepared me for the call that I got one early afternoon in November.

  It was a Saturday and I had Our Apartment all to myself. He was golfing with some guys from work and I was taking the day to get caught up on cleaning. My iPod was set on shuffle as I wiggled and danced around dusting and scrubbing every surface in the place. I had just sat down in front of the T.V. in the living room to fold some laundry when my phone began sliding and vibrating across the coffee table.

  “Mary! Hey girl, what’s up?” I answered enthusiastically.

  “Hello, Love,” she replied as usual. “I just wanted to call to see if you were going to be down here for Thanksgiving. How much time do you get off from work?”

  “I’m off that Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but, no, actually, I won’t be coming down,” I answered with a frown, although she couldn’t see me. “I’ll be in Lubbock, with His dad and brothers. Something about the youngest one not being able to leave because of football, so we are all going to him. You know he walked on to the Texas Tech football team this year right?”

  “No, I hadn’t heard. Good for him,” she said with little excitement. “Damn! That’s a total bummer. I was really hoping that I’d get to see you…before I got fat,” she added.

  I giggled to myself. “Mar, you’re not going to get fat because of one Thanksgiving meal. Besides, everyone gains at least a little bit of weight over the holidays.”

  “Well…that’s the thing, Quinn. I’m not just going to gain a little bit of weight,” she paused and let the silence stir between us for a moment. Just as I realized what she meant, she continued, “I’m going to gain tons of weight because I’m…I’m pregnant!”

  “You’re pregnant?! Congratulations!” I screeched into the phone. “I can’t believe this! I didn’t even know you were seeing anybody. Who’s the dad?”

  “Don’t get mad,” she said weakly. Mad? Why would I get mad? Why do I care who fathers her child? In an instant, Judd’s name flashed in my head, but I willed it away with enough force to push an eighteen wheeler. The thought of my best friend and Judd together left a repulsive taste in my mouth. “It’s Keith,” she confessed.

  I took a second to let the information sink in: Mary is pregnant. And Keith is the dad. “Keith! Oh my gosh, you sneaky bitch!” I yelled playfully. “Have you and Keith been sneaking around this whole time without telling anyone? Without telling me? Mar, we’re best friends! These are things that I should know!” I was trying to keep my voice levels down for fear that my neighbors would hear me, but the excitement about the baby and even more so that it was from one of our best friends was overwhelming me.

  “Not the whole time,” she explained. “It all kind of started the night we went skinny dipping at the beach, but we didn’t actually start having sex until about two months after that. And let me tell you, Love, its a-ma-zing!” She sounded so happy, and I was thrilled about her news.

  “That’s great, I’m so happy for you!” I said with complete sincerity. “And Keith. Tell him congratulations for me. Although, don’t think you’re getting off that easy. I’m pissed as hell that I’m just now hearing about all of this. So, how far along are you?” I asked, realizing that I hadn’t yet gotten all of the important information.

  “Well, that’s kind of why I was wondering if you were coming home for Thanksgiving. Again, don’t get mad, but, I’m almost at sixteen weeks. I’ll have my eighteen-week ultrasound that Wednesday before the holiday, and I really wanted you to come with me. That’s when I’ll find out if it’s a boy or a girl.”

  Sixteen weeks? That’s like…four months, I thought. And then it hit me, “YOU’VE KNOWN THAT YOU WERE PREGNANT FOR FOUR MONTHS AND YOU ARE JUST NOW TELLING ME!?” I had gone past the point of caring whether or not my neighbors could hear me. “How is it possible that you are just now telling me?” I continued, lowering my voice.

  “It’s not like I could just send a quick text, Hey, Quinn, what’s up? By the way, I’m pregnant. I really didn’t want to tell you over the phone, either. I wanted it to be something that I told you in person, but you haven’t been home since you moved. It’s been six months since I’ve seen you,” she reiterated. “And every time I tried to get together with you, to plan a time for me to come visit up there, you always had some excuse as to why you couldn’t make it work. So, I had to tell you like this.”

  She sounded hurt, and I hated that I was the cause of it. I hadn’t even realized that I had been neglecting my friendships until that moment. I felt terrible, and all I wanted was to get back to the excitement we shared minutes ago. “Well, maybe we can make this work. I will die if I miss the doctor’s visit where you find out the sex. I’ll talk to Him when He gets home, and we’ll work something out. Maybe He won’t mind making the drive to Lubbock alone.” Even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t true. “Seriously, Mary, I’m so happy for you and Keith. I love you.”

  After pleading my case for over an hour about how I couldn’t possibly miss my best friend’s ultrasound, He finally caved and agreed to make the trip to see his brother alone. “I know she’s your best friend, Sweetheart, and I know how bad she wants you there. Maybe my dad will meet me here, and then we can ride the rest of the way up there together,” He suggested.

  “That’s a good plan,” I agreed. “I’m just so happy for Mary and Keith, ya know? She sounded so excited ab
out the baby.”

  The look of shock from the news hadn’t quite left His eyes. “I can’t believe my boy didn’t tell me,” He said about Keith. “I’ve known that kid since second grade and he didn’t even bother to tell me that he was having a kid himself. And what about Mary? That was kind of shitty of her to wait until she almost had the thing to tell you. Aren’t y’all supposed to be like best friends?”

  The way He said, “the thing” made me want to slap him. This was my best friend’s child He was talking about. It wasn’t like she bought a new car. How could He be so tender and understanding one moment and so utterly insensitive the next? I rolled over on my side in the bed so that my back was facing Him. I wasn’t going to dignify that tactless remark with a reply. It wasn’t until that moment that I noticed the silence. The tragic, deafening silence, not in my head, and not between us, but deep down in my core.

  November 21, 2012

  The ultrasound was one of the most miraculous and beautiful moments I had ever witnessed. I wasn’t ever able to make it to any of Marin’s appointments when she was carrying Kaymyn, so I had never experienced what it was like to see the life two people created developing before my eyes.

  The three of us, Mary, Keith and I, all sat patiently yet anxiously in the cold, clinical waiting room for the nurse to call us back. Keith’s knee was bobbing frantically as he held tight to Mary’s shaking fingers. They both looked as if they were going to explode with excitement at any moment. “What are you hoping for, Keith? Boy or girl?” I asked, trying to pass the time.

  “I just want our baby to be healthy. I don’t care about the sex.” The way he said “our baby” and smiled warmly at his best friend sitting beside him made Mary’s eyes glisten with a sudden torrent of unshed tears. My eyes filled quickly, as well.

  “Mary? Do you have a preference?” I asked, knowing her answer would be the same as Keith’s.

  “Nope!” she declared definitely. “I’ve always pictured myself with a boy, but, like he said, I love this baby so much already, all I can hope for is that he or she is healthy.”

  Just as I was about to ask about names, the nurse called from the door leading to a long hallway filled with doors leading to other smaller rooms, “Mary, you all can come back now.”

  I held Mary’s hand as the tech spread the cold blue gel across my best friend’s swollen stomach, while Keith stood at her head, sweeping the hair back from her face. She was smiling up at me, and then back at Keith as a small noise began to filter into the room.

  “Do you hear that?” Mary asked, turning from the screen on her right to look into my eyes.

  I nodded my head as my eyes began to fill with warm tears again.

  “That’s my baby’s heartbeat. Our baby’s heartbeat,” she edited, looking back at Keith. I could see the wetness forming in his eyes, as well, as he looked back in forth from Mary to the screen.

  “That’s your baby boy’s heartbeat,” the tech corrected, pointing to the screen, indicating the evidence of the baby’s gender. I saw an immediate sparkle and light in Mary and Keith’s eyes as soon as they heard the word, “boy,” slip from the nurses lips.

  My heart overflowed with joy as I watched the delicate infant make the slightest moves and listened to the tiny flutter of sound coming from within the depths of my best friend.

  December 16, 2012

  The next few weeks of school passed by in a flash and it was already time for another holiday break. Two full weeks I would get to spend at my parent’s house. My home. He didn’t get quite as much time off from the firm as I did from school, so He was going to have to meet me down there a week later. I welcomed the idea of a break; both from work and Him.

  Things had gotten…quieter around Our Apartment. We talked less and less when He got home from work, and I couldn’t remember the last time He truly made me laugh. Or even smile for that matter. He spent years trying to get me to see Him as more than just a friend, and when I finally did, it was like the thrill and allure was gone. I was no longer “The Girl He Couldn’t Get,” so He no longer felt the need to make me feel special…or worth it. The chase was over for Him.

  I kept all of my feelings bottled up; though, because, after all, He was still my best friend. And I loved Him. I walked on egg shells to keep intact what little affection we had left for each other in order to not destroy the initial bonds of friendship. I couldn’t picture my life without Him in it all; nor did I want to. It made me sad, truly and genuinely sad, to think about a life that He wasn’t in.

  On the first night back in my childhood bed, I tried with all that I could to let the comfort of home rock me gently to sleep, but thoughts were disrupting my rest like thunder in the middle of the night.

  What happened to us? What happened to the rose petals and strawberries? What happened to the Christmas cards and playlists? Where was the hunger and passion that we once felt towards each other? Where were the butterflies? When that last thought entered my mind, it made me stop. I stopped thinking about everything else and focused on the words playing in my mind. Judd’s words: “They may happen on the first date, or for the first couple of months, but for most people, they fade. It’s when you find that one person, that even after a year, two years, even ten years, that still gives you that electric feeling deep down in your stomach, that you know you’ve found someone worth the chase.”

  Was Judd right? Are the butterflies always going to fade unless you’re with someone that makes you have to fight for them? Someone you have to play games with and stress day in and day out about. Someone you have to chase. Forever?

  Thoughts about He and I and Judd finally exhausted me to the point where I found sleep. It was the restless, tangled sheets, matted hair kind of sleep; but it was sleep nonetheless.

  Christmas Eve and Christmas day took their usual course. This year I finally ended up with the good White Elephant present; a gift card to Victoria’s Secret. I guess someone thought that they were buying a gag gift when they purchased the card, but I was genuinely excited about it. No one likes to spend twenty dollars of their own hard-earned money on one pair of underwear.

  We spent time with the old crew; it was a little different than it had been in years past, though. Mary couldn’t go to the bars, and Keith stayed home with her on most nights. It was good to spend what little time we did have together; however. A few nights after Christmas, while playing poker in Callum’s game room, Tandi brought up the one subject I was desperately trying to avoid; New Year’s.

  “So, does this mean we aren’t going to The Pasture this year, because Mary’s gone and gotten herself knocked up?” Tandi never felt the need to candy coat things.

  “Hey, I didn’t knock myself up!” Mary chimed in at her own defense. “Keith had a little something to do with it.”

  “You know what I mean,” Tandi continued, “so like, tradition’s over I guess, huh?”

  “Well it doesn’t have to be,” Callum cut in. “We can still all go to The Pasture. It’s not like she can’t be around people that are drinking just because she can’t drink.”

  “Can we stop talking about me like I’m not here?” Mary whined and then winked at me from across the table. I loved it when people unintentionally quoted Steel Magnolias. “If y’all would let me talk for myself, I was going to suggest we keep the tradition alive. Keith and I already discussed it and we wouldn’t miss out on New Year’s with everyone just because I’m pregnant. Like Callum said, I just won’t drink. And next year, we’ll just have to leave Aiden with grandma on New Year’s,” she said, rubbing her baby bump.

  I assumed, as Tandi did, that we wouldn’t be going to The Pasture this year. My heart lightened when I heard the news. He; however, was making a strange face. His eyes were bulging from His shaking head like He was trying to send me a telepathic message.

  “Dude, what’s with the face?” Keith asked, noticing the bulging, as well.

  “I, umm, we…” He stuttered.

  “Spit it out,” Callum bark
ed at Him.

  “Well, we kind of already made other plans with some of the guys I work with for New Year’s.” My mouth fell open in shock, along with Mary’s, Tandi’s and Shanna’s. What does He mean WE made other plans? This is the first I’m hearing of these plans and New Year’s Eve is three days away.

  December 31, 2012

  I sat in the back room of the country club and sulked like a child for the first part of the evening. The Girls were never going to forgive me for ditching them on New Year’s, but what was I supposed to do; this is technically our two-year anniversary. Only two years, and yet, somehow, it feels like twenty.

  When sulking wasn’t doing anything but bringing everyone else around me down, I decided to do the most mature thing I could think of. Get completely and totally wasted. I sidled up to the bar in the dining area and plopped myself down on one of the cushy leather stools and leaned my elbows up on the bar.

  “What can I get ya?” the older gentleman behind the bar asked.

  “Two shots of anything clear,” I answered.

  The bartender gave me a funny look before reaching beneath him and pulling out a shiny bottle of Patron Tequila. “Will this work?”

  “Perfect.” As soon as he poured the liquor into two, small shot glasses, I reached across on the bar and slammed each shot back, one right after the other. I didn’t even bother with the limes. I let the hot liquid constrict my chest and warm my stomach as it coursed its way through me. “I’ll have another, please.”

  “Are you sure you want to do that? Tequila is kind of tricky, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. And, I hear it makes you mean.”