By Fairy Means or Foul: A Starfig Investigations Novel

by Meghan Maslow

  “Uh, because you know me. Because I care about you. Because we’re friends. And, oh yeah, I promised not to eat anyone while living in the Elder. And there’s that whole wizard-familiar thing. I’m not sure I could eat you even if I wanted to.”

  “Yes, but until you became my familiar I didn’t know that. I had to learn to trust you. And I did. I gave you a chance.”

  “Because you’re a pushover.”

  “I like him. We both know what it’s like to be judged for the way we appear. It seems cruel to do the same to Bill. Don’t you agree?”

  I grumbled. Quinn raised an eyebrow. I grumbled some more. “Fine. But if he shows any signs of being violent, he’ll have to go. And I’m still not sure we can get the paperwork sorted—”

  Quinn cut me off by throwing himself into my arms and kissing me silly. Maybe Bill wouldn’t be so bad.

  Returning to the table, we rejoined Bill. He looked dejected—shoulders slumped, eyes glassy.

  “You don’t want to hire me. It’s okay. I understand. Going out to eat with me was one thing, but you’d worry—”

  “Welcome to Starfig Investigations.” I stuck out my hand.

  His jaw worked, but no words came out. Considering how verbose Bill turned out to be, it was comical. I snickered. Bill launched himself over the table and snatched me up in a hug. He snagged Quinn, too, and danced around the restaurant with us clutched to his large chest.

  “Can’t breathe,” Quinn wheezed. My dragon growled. Bill released us at once and we stumbled, but managed not to fall on our asses.

  “Oh, sorry, boss, I forget how delicate humans are. Please forgive me, Quinn. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

  “Hold up, Bill. I still need to get the paperwork in order. It’s going to be a major pain in the ass. We may even be required to go in front of the residency board to prove you won’t be a danger. I’m going to guess they’ll want a magically binding document to make sure you won’t kill anyone . . . uh, else . . . while in the Elder.”

  “I could still pretend I’d eat someone though, right?”

  Since I did the same thing myself, I chuckled, then nodded. Bill and I shared a smile. You could ask the predator not to hunt the prey, but you couldn’t ever really pull his teeth.

  Quinn shook his head. “Well, now that it’s settled, let’s have some dessert.”

  I leaned over to Bill and whispered, “I think he’s pregnant.”

  Bill guffawed and Quinn spun on his heel, calling over his shoulder, “I heard that.”

  24

  The next day we set out through the Expanse.

  “You know I can pop us wherever you want to go, right?” Bill said.

  “I know, but we need to stop and see a friend and I don’t know exactly where we’ll find him,” I said for the third time.

  Quinn nodded in agreement. “We hope you can help us.”

  “Oh?” Bill ran circles around us as we continued our trek. Literally. Apparently, Red Furies had an abundance of energy. “What kind of help?”

  “You’ll see in a minute. Ah, there.” I pointed as the ghost ship rose over a distant sand dune.

  “Is that a pirate ship?” Bill’s hand came up to shield his eyes and he squinted.

  “A ghost one.”

  “Huh. Good thing I brought my journal.”

  “We might as well sit and wait for it. It won’t be long now.” I sank down onto the hot sand since there was no shade in sight.

  A short time later the ship slowed to a halt in front of us.

  “Ahoy, there!” a familiar voice called.

  “Hi, Pie,” Quinn called back. “Let us up. We may be able to help you get home.”

  A gangplank lowered and we trundled up until we were on deck. Bill seemed to memorize every detail and I could tell he wanted to write it all down as soon as possible.

  “Ye came back! Good to see ye, mateys.” Pie fluttered down to greet us, but he squawked when he saw Bill. “A demon, a demon!” He shot to the lookout way up on the mast.

  “Come on down, Pie. Bill’s not going to hurt you.”

  “Bill?” Pie didn’t immediately fly down, but he did fluff his wings.

  “Yeah, we can’t know his real name, but he likes being called Bill.”

  Bill nodded vigorously, smiled. Unfortunately, it made all three rows of teeth evident and Pie squawked again.

  “Pie, if you don’t come down, Bill won’t help you,” Quinn said. “Come on, he’s not going to hurt you. Are you, Bill?”

  “Of course not,” Bill groaned.

  Pie eyed us for a moment more before fluttering down to my shoulder. He nuzzled my cheek and I patted his back. “Pie, this is Bill. Bill, this is Pie.”

  Quinn explained the situation to Bill. “Any idea how we can send him to join the others?”

  Bill ran a hand across his chin. “Absolutely. I can send him home.”

  “Ye can?” Pie looked so hopeful.

  “Sure. You really want to leave this realm, though? Once you cross through, you won’t be able to come back.”

  “Will I be with me captain again?”

  “Yes. And the rest of the crew.”

  “Do ye know if it’s terrible where I be going?”

  Bill shrugged. “I don’t think so. I mean, you’ll be at peace, so I would think that’s a good thing.”

  “Then, aye, I want to go.” He whistled and fluffed his feathers again. “What do I have to do?”

  “Nothing. It’s what I have to do. Quinn, Twig, we should get off the ship so I can do it. That is if you’re ready, Pie.”

  Pie nodded enthusiastically. “Thank ye, Mr. Twig, Mr. Quinn. Ye’ve turned out to be good mateys. I’ll never forget ye.”

  Quinn stroked Pie’s head with a finger. “We’ll never forget you either.”

  After goodbyes, we exited the ship and then Bill laid his hands on it. He sniffed. “A common scourge demon. Not very powerful, but hella spiteful.” His whole body lit up. The glow spread from his hands to cover the galleon. After a minute it wavered, then disappeared, a slight shimmer in the air.

  Quinn gave me a watery smile and I had to admit, I’d miss Pie.

  Bill dusted off his hands. “It’s done. Now can we please go back to your place?”

  We turned to go, our hearts a little heavy.

  A tearing sound had us all spinning back around. A hole appeared above us, jagged edges black against the blue sky.

  “Bill, what did you do?” Quinn gripped my arm.

  “Me? I didn’t do anything.” Bill’s voice had risen an octave. Maybe two.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “Not sure,” Quinn said. “Bill, could you have torn a hole between realms?”

  “Certainly not.” His chest puffed out, and he stared us down over the rim of his glasses.

  This was so not good.

  “Can you close it? . . . or whatever . . . ” I asked.

  “I don’t even know what it is.” Quinn and Bill exchanged glances.

  Bill shrugged. “I could pop us to your place and we could just forget about it.”

  “I don’t think that would be a good idea. I’m pretty sure—What in hellafuck is that?” I pointed to the opening where wispy tendrils that looked like oversized fingers scrabbled along the edge. “Quinn, we gotta close it. Now!”

  “Bill, help me seal it!” Quinn’s hands shot into the air, a glowing light filling his palms. Bill grabbed Quinn’s wrist with one clawed hand and his other blazed with the same light as Quinn’s. The light spread slowly out from their grasp toward the hole.

  As if sensing what was coming, the wispy tendrils drew back. A loud screech pierced the air as a small object hurtled through the opening and landed with a thud near my feet.

  I jumped back, knocking over Bill and Quinn and shielding them with my body. I’d unintentionally severed the link to their magic, sparks shooting from the tips of Quinn’s fingers as I took them to the ground.

  “Twig! Get off me,” Quinn shou
ted. “We need to close that hole.”

  I rolled off them and stared at the opening. A sucking sound drew the sides of the hole together into the appearance of pursed lips. For a moment it seemed to smile, then with a kissing sound, it disappeared. I blinked. Would it reappear?

  It didn’t.

  “Well that was weird.” Yeah, I know. I had a real knack for understatement.

  And what had it lobbed at me? I looked around. Small clawed feet stuck out from the sand. Ah, demon dicks, what kind of monster was this?

  “Well, ain’t ye goin’ to help a matey?” a muffled voice called from beneath the sand.

  “Pie?” I gripped the feet and tugged. One very dirty ghost pirate parrot emerged from the sand. I held him upside down so we were eye to eye.

  Pie coughed and sputtered for a moment before, gritting out, “Aye. Guess it tweren’t me time after all, Mister Twig.”

  “How about ‘Quinn, Mage of Destruction?’ That has a certain ominous ring to it,” I heard Bill say to Quinn as he reclined on a pile of pillows in my living room.

  “Definitely not. No offence, Bill, but you really suck at this naming thing.”

  “I don’t hear you coming up with anything better, wizard,” Bill grumbled.

  “Pardon, Mister Bill, but Mister Quinn be right. He needs a name like Quinn ‘Blackheart’ Broomsparkle . . . Ye know, perhaps it be better to change your last name, Mister Quinn.”

  “Yeah ‘Quinn Broomsparkle’ isn’t going to strike fear into the hearts of your enemies,” Bill added.

  They had a point.

  “Who says I’m going to have enemies . . .”

  I tuned out their good-natured bickering. They’d been at it all day and it seemed like it was destined to be the new normal.

  Being home felt both good and a little weird. We’d only been away for several days, but it seemed like a lot longer. And so much had changed. Including my new-and-improved resident’s permit I found on my table. Nothing like Starfig efficiency.

  Once we arrived, I gathered up Quinn’s stuff and moved him into my bedroom. I gave Bill the spare room and Pie settled into a corner of the living room where I rigged a perch. I no sooner started cooking dinner when I heard the telltale pop of my father appearing in my living room.

  Bill, Pie, and Quinn all squealed in surprise, but Bill managed to hit a range so high my eardrums rang. I snickered, then called over my shoulder, “Hey, that’s my dad. Please don’t eat him. He’s your best chance for getting a resident’s permit.”

  “You could have warned me he was planning to show up,” Bill grumbled.

  “I could have,” I agreed. Entering the room, I wiped my hands on a dishtowel. “Except this is much more fun.”

  My father’s face was bright pink. Well, more a sickly shade of fuchsia really. Better than I thought it would be. This might not go as poorly as I feared.

  “You”—my father pointed a finger in Bill’s direction, then whirled on Pie—“and you,” then turned his attention to me and fluttered his wings until he was able to wave a menacing finger in my face—“and most especially you! Do you like making me the laughingstock? Does it please you that my sons live to embarrass me?”

  “Son.” Bill shuffled his feet. My dad turned his steely gaze back on him.

  “What did you say, demon?” You’d think he’d be scared of a Red Fury. Nope. My dad was fearless when he was pissed.

  Bill cleared his throat and didn’t look my father in the eye. “Uh, I said. Son. As in one. I, uh, well . . . wow, I didn’t think this would be so awkward.” He rubbed the back of his neck and looked to me for help.

  I sighed. Effing coward. “Nyx attacked Bill, then Bill ate him. So now he assumes you only have one son who’s an embarrassment.”

  Color drained from my dad’s face. He lowered his head for a moment, closed his eyes. He suddenly looked much older than his twelve hundred or so years. Guilt gave my chest an unpleasant punch. Damn, I shouldn’t be so insensitive. Nyx was his son, after all. My father wasn’t completely unfeeling. It must be a shock at the very least.

  “And I, uh, might have had a tiny bit to do with shoving Nyx into the pentagram with Bill.” When his eyes snapped open and his gaze settled on me, I knew this would be a longer conversation than I had hoped. Quinn brushed by as he slipped into the kitchen, calling over his shoulder, “I’ll watch dinner to make sure it doesn’t burn.”

  Pie flew after Quinn. Cowards. Not that I blamed them.

  I might have nodded, but I knew enough not to look away from my father when he was upset.

  “Who’s Bill?” he gritted out, his little teeth resembling tiny daggers.

  “I’m Bill,” a faint voice squeaked. Bill had gone almost as pale as my father.

  Before my dad did something stupid like try to bite Bill’s knee, I rushed between them. “Now, Dad, Bill was provoked. He’s not the kind of de . . . guy to just willy-nilly eat someone. He’s usually vegetarian. Right, Bill?”

  I sensed Bill nodding frantically behind me.

  “He. Ate. Your. Brother.”

  I didn’t quite have the guts to tell my dad I actually thought that was one of Bill’s finer qualities. “Yes, he did. But he saved my life. Nyx was trying to force Bill to tell him his name. His real name. You know what he would have done with a Red Fury under his control?” I shuddered. “Come on, Dad. You know Nyx wasn’t a good guy.”

  “What’s a Red Fury doing in the Elder? You know demons aren’t allowed.”

  “Not without a resident’s permit. I know.” I smiled at my father. He stared me down, then sighed.

  “You can’t be serious. First, you took a bed slave and now you want a pet demon?”

  “I’m nobody’s pet, sir.” Bill grimaced and straightened his bowtie. “I’d like to be Twig’s assistant. He’s been looking for some help.”

  “You, shut it.” My dad glared at Bill, then switched to me. “And you . . .”

  Maybe it was a good thing my father ran out of words? Somehow I didn’t think so. “Look, I know it’s unorthodox. And I know you’re worried about your precious reputation, but Bill saved my life. He’s willing to abide by the rules of Lovely Creatures Guild—I’m assuming that’s where you’ll place him, right? And he’ll even sign a contract to that effect. All he wants is a chance to spend some time here. He won’t hurt anyone.”

  “He ate your brother!”

  “Well, I mean, anyone else. And there were extenuating circumstances.”

  “I should banish him back to his realm after I’ve flayed all the skin from his body and ground his bones to dust. You realize this?”

  “I guess it depends how you choose to see it. Yeah, you lost a son, but you also kept one. Believe me, Nyx wasn’t planning to let me live. So, if you banish Bill, you should probably banish me too.” I sure hope he didn’t take me up on it. Bill gripped my arm, but I shook him off.

  My father actually looked pained for a second before his face smoothed back into its normal disapproving lines. “If I help him stay, I want you to agree to attend Lighthelm City Council meetings. You’ll run for a seat when the board has an opening.”

  I grimaced. I hated the City Council. Snoozeville. Not to mention several of the members were prominent Alphae. In other words, so insufferably full of themselves they sucked all the air out of a room. Ugh. Bill better appreciate the huge sacrifice I was making on his behalf. I wasn’t sure whether him saving my life was worth attending those meetings. But maybe I could take him with me? Hmmm.

  “Well?” My father said.

  “You’ve got a deal.”

  He smirked. “Good. The next meeting is in two weeks. I’ll expect you to be there. In the meantime, I’ll file temporary permit 980d until I can get the RP480d paperwork in order. That should take some time, but I’m sure I could manage to get you his permit, say, the night after the meeting.”

  “You already filed the temporary permit, didn’t you?”

  My father’s eyes glinted. He snapped his fin
gers and the signed permit appeared. “Of course.”

  I’d been had. Bill sucked in a shocked breath. “Don’t worry, Bill. Just another day in the Starfig household. My father is a master manipulator.”

  “No need for flattery, dear boy.” My dad beamed, magnanimous now that he’d gotten what he wanted. Fuck. Did the guy even care that Bill ate his son? I’d probably never know. And now I was obligated to attend City Council meetings. In the short time since my dad appeared, today went from good to crappy. I don’t know why I was surprised. Things never went well when more than one Starfig occupied a room. At least he wasn’t suggesting I try for a High Council post. Then again, to do so, I was required to serve on at least one other governing board first. Like the City Council. Ugh.

  “What about Pie? Does he need a permit?”

  “I assume you mean the bird?” My father’s voice was long suffering.

  “He’s a parrot.”

  “He’s a ghost.”

  “I noticed.”

  “Don’t get smart with me, Twig. I’m already going out on a limb for you. To answer your question, he’s dead, so no permit required. I don’t suppose you’re going to exorcize him? Ashes to ashes and all that.” He must have seen my look of horror. Exorcism destroyed a ghost’s essence. “No, of course you’re not. Always were too soft.”

  My dad snapped his fingers again and a scroll appeared: a contract that would keep Bill from breaking the Lovely Creatures rules. Most of us signed some sort of agreement, but I knew this one would be magically binding and that my dad would add more safety clauses than a normal contract. Any attempt to violate it would not go well for Bill.

  “Last chance to turn back, Bill,” I joked. Sort of. I’d be hesitant to sign it, that’s for sure.

  He pulled out his quill and smiled. “I can’t believe it! This is a dream come true.”

  “Sign here. In blood, demon.” My father pointed to half a dozen places in the document, his eyes so cold I couldn’t believe Bill wasn’t shivering. Then again, he wore his sweater vest.

  Bill swallowed hard, but took his time to read over the document. He ran a claw over his palm and when a thin line of black appeared, he dipped his quill in it and then signed ‘Bill’ in a big loopy scrawl.