by Piper Rayne
I stand when she nears.
“Hi,” I say.
“Marcus.” My name almost comes off her tongue curtly, and I'm two seconds away from turning around and forgetting this entire thing.
We both sit down and my leg bounces uncontrollably.
“Still have that nervous twitch?” she asks, with a small, teasing smile on her face.
I stop my leg from moving and decide to get right to it. “Why do you think Lily should come here?” I look around at the guards posted at every entrance. Her in her orange jumpsuit. The hard-plastic chairs. The dreary gray concrete covering every surface. “What kind of mother-daughter bonding do you expect to happen? Mommy and daughter cavity searches? Bonding over metal detectors? Do you want her to ask the guard why her mommy can't leave with us?”
I'll admit, my tone is mean and spiteful, revealing just how much the anger still burns like a hot coal inside of me.
“I want to know my daughter and most of all I want her to know me.” Her voice is low and meek and has lost all the toughness from her original greeting.
“This is hardly the environment.” I motion to the space around us.
Her gaze focuses down on the table.
“How are things in here?” I'm not sure why I care or why I'm asking, but I'm curious.
“I've grown used to it,” she shrugs. “I’m clean,” she adds hastily.
“I've seen shows where things get snuck in.”
She rolls her eyes. “I'm clean, Marcus. I get why you’d question it, but I’ve worked hard and I have it together.”
“What happens when you get outside that barbed wire fence?”
Sure, it's not hard to stay clean when a shot of heroin isn't on every street corner you pass. None of your dealers or friends tempting you to take one last hit. I'll just get Lily attached to her and then she'll get out and I'll be explaining how an overdose works.
“I guess we'll see in thirteen years.”
Sometimes I forget she carries such a heavy sentence, but that’s what happens when the person you rob a store with fires the weapon. Gretchen had a gun too, probably with no expectation to use it, although she was so addicted back then I don't really know.
“Maybe you'll get parole.”
She shrugs and brushes the idea off. “Do you have a picture of her?” She glances to my pocket. “Just one so I can see her?”
She sounds so hopeful that I pull out my wallet and pull out the picture they took at daycare last year. I slide it over and the guard approaches.
“He's just showing me a picture.” She holds up the photo with worn edges so he can see. “That's my daughter, Lily.” Tears fill her eyes.
“She's very pretty.” The huge guard looks at me when he says it.
“She has my hair. Do you have a girlfriend? Is that who does her hair?”
“I do her hair. I do everything for her,” I say with a good dose of bitterness.
Because you couldn't stick around to handle it.
“Tell me what she likes. Is she funny or shy? Does she have a lot of friends?”
As she hammers me with questions, I think about what it would be like if I were the one who didn't know Lily. I'd be lost.
“She's funny and very outgoing, which she probably gets from you.”
“She’s not the controlled and silent type?” She smiles, teasing me.
“I manage not to squeeze all the fun out of her. She meets friends everywhere she goes. She loves princesses, Rapunzel is her favorite. She's just...she's a loving, sweet little girl.”
I slide the picture back into my wallet then clasp my hands together on top of the table.
Silence stretches out between us for a minute before I speak. “I'm sorry, Gretchen.”
She looks up at me with tear stricken cheeks and red eyes. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I took you to Brent's. I didn't stop you from smoking that joint. I sure as hell didn't get you any help.”
Her hand lands on top of mine and I resist the urge to pull back. I see that her once manicured nails are now short and brittle, her nail beds scabby as though she picks at them all day long.
“Marcus, you didn't put the needle in my arm. You sure as hell didn't keep going back to get me my fix. You mentioned rehab a few times, but even if you would’ve strapped me in the car, drove me there, I never would have stayed. I was so far gone.” She shakes her head at herself and I can tell she’s reliving some memory. “I robbed a store at gunpoint.”
I nod, knowing how bad she got, but that hasn't stopped me from feeling like I was the one who struck the match in the first place.
“I can't believe you've held on to this guilt. I had no idea.” She pushes her hands through her dull hair. “You have nothing to do with where I am now. I should’ve been around to help raise Lily beside you…that's the path I should have taken.” She removes her hand from mine and wipes at the tears streaming down her face.
“I can't bring her here, Gretch.” My voice cracks imagining my little girl being haunted by guards and metal detectors. “How about we start with the two of you exchanging letters?”
Her shoulders fall and she slumps down in her seat. “You have no idea how badly I want to hold her.”
I do. I do because I feel the same way sometimes when she's only been away from me for a few hours.
“I'm not saying never. It's just—” I glance around the room again. “Not yet. She's too young to understand any of this.”
A tear drops onto the grey plastic table and my own eyes squeeze shut. Somehow in all these years of pushing Gretchen away, it never seemed real. She didn't seem like the woman I once thought I could love. She was enemy number one the minute she walked out on Lily and it isn't until this very minute, that I’ve ever seen her as Lily's mom.
I reach out and cover her hands with my own and she looks over to me with bloodshot eyes. “I promise, if you write letters, she'll get every one of them. I'll send you pictures of her and if Lily wants, I'll forward any pictures she draws or anything else she asks me to.”
“Okay,” she says in a small voice.
“So, the attorney?”
“I’ll call him off.” She draws in a deep breath. “We'll do this together if you promise to work with me. I know this isn't stellar, but all I want is to be a part of her life somehow.”
My hands tighten over hers. “We'll make it work...together.”
A bell rings and one of the guards announces our time is up. We stand and I'm ready to say goodbye having a clear plan of what I need to do.
“I'll be in touch.”
She rushes into my arms. “Thank you, Marcus.”
I stand there, my arms at my sides until I catch the sight of the guard who Gretchen showed Lily's picture to and I lightly pat her back.
“Thank you, Gretchen. Thank you for doing what’s best for Lily.”
It’s all I’ve ever tried to do myself and I’m starting to see that sometimes what’s right might involve taking a risk that things don’t turn out the way we want them to.
Lily and I walk into her favorite restaurant, Pho Shizzle.
“Can I have two kinds of noodles?” she asks, jumping into the booth.
Pho Shizzle is known for anything to do with noodles—from spaghetti to lo mein. All different kinds of noodles cooked on a flat top grill.
“You can get whatever you want.”
“Even a shake?” Her eyes light up in excitement.
“Even a shake.” She can have whatever she wants because I'm about to turn her world upside down.
Angela, the waitress, comes over.
“Lily!” she exclaims and Lily beams, loving the extra attention. “What are you getting today?”
“I want the white sauce noodles and the crispy ones.”
Angela jots it down.
“And an Oreo shake,” Lily adds and Angela glances over to me for permission.
I nod.
“And for you, Mr. Kent?”
&nb
sp; “I'll have just the Korean with steak and a water, please.”
“Comin’ right up.” She smiles and heads back to give our order to the kitchen.
As we wait for the food to come, I fiddle with the Parmesan cheese shaker wondering how to bring the subject of her mother up.
“Lily?”
She looks up from clinking the fork and spoon together.
“I wanted to talk to you about your mom.”
The silverware drops to the table.
“Miss Cat?” The hopeful expression on her face guts me.
“No.” I shake my head. “No. What do you mean Miss Cat?”
Lily tilts her head to the side. “Isn't she my mom? I told you I wanted her to be my mom.”
Oh shit, I royally fucked this up.
“No, sweetie, she's not.”
Her fingers brush the bracelet on her wrist and she sits back in the booth, too far for me to be able to reach her. “Oh.”
“You have a mom who loves you very much, but she can't see you right now.”
Her eyes light up a little. “Where is she?”
“She's away, but she wants to write to you. In fact, she’s already written you some letters.” I place two of them on the table and slide them over.
“Really?” She props up on her knees, her tiny hands grabbing at the envelopes.
“Would you like to see a picture of her?” I ask.
“Yeah.” The smile on her face matches the one she normally has on Christmas morning.
I slide a picture of Gretchen and I from when we first started dating across the table.
“Is that you?” She points to a much younger and less groomed version of myself.
“That's your daddy.”
She looks from me to the picture, her finger grazing over Gretchen. “She's pretty,” she says.
“Just like you.”
Her smile grows wider. “Thanks, Daddy.”
She sits back in the booth, holding the picture in front of her, just staring at it.
Angela brings over our meals and I start eating while Lily processes the information.
“You okay, sweetie?” I ask, spooning some noodles into my mouth.
She nods and places the picture and envelopes on the table. “So, I'll meet her someday?”
“Yeah, someday.”
She nods, her small brain trying to process the information. “Okay.”
“Lil,” I ask for her attention one more time.
She forks up a heaping pile of crispy noodles and looks up to me.
“I really like Miss Cat.”
She smiles over her mouthful. “I know.” She mumbles.
“I'd like Miss Cat to live with us.”
Her eyes light up again and she swallows down the noodles in her mouth. “Really? Like she'd be my mommy?”
“Another mommy, yes.” Her knees bounce up and down on the bench.
“I like Miss Cat, too.” Her voice is giddy.
“So, you're okay if we make her part of our family?”
“Yeah!” She bounces up and down on her knees.
“Daddy made some mistakes and she’s really mad at me right now. It might be a while before she forgives me.”
“Daddy,” she says in a voice that says I’m the silliest daddy in the world. “When I make a mistake you always tell me to say sorry to the person. That should work.”
I smile at her innocence. “Will you help me win her over? We have to ask her really nice.”
“Let's do it, Daddy!”
We devise a plan as we finish our meals.
I don’t feel bad about suggesting Cat will be part of our family to my daughter without knowing the outcome because I do know how things will turn out. I’m not going to rest until that woman is mine again in every sense of the word.
35
Caterina
For the last week, I've dreaded the drop-off and pick up from camp. Lucky for me, Marcus is a coward and has left Dane in charge of Lily’s comings and goings. Not that I should expect more of him. I practically told him I wanted to stay in Climax Cove, have his babies and be a mommy to Lily, and he ran. Like I knew he would. The man trusts no one.
“My daddy isn't here yet.” Lily comes up to me as I'm pinning up some of the art the kids have worked on all summer around the room for their big art show.
“Isn't your Uncle Dane getting you?” I stop the taping and stapling, seeing now that she's the only one still here.
“No, Daddy is coming.” She sits in the chair and strokes her bracelet a few times. “Miss Cat?”
“Yeah, kiddo?”
“How come you never come over anymore? I miss you.” She’s frowning and looking down at her bracelet.
My heart shatters and this is a good reminder of why Marcus is so careful. After only being in their lives a short time, Lily's become confused.
“I miss you, too,” I say.
“How come you don't come over then?” Her fingers rub the bracelet again.
“Your daddy and I have just been so busy.” It’s a lame excuse, but it’s all I’ve got.
Marcus enters the cabin and I swear all oxygen leaves. He's in jeans and a t-shirt that stretches around his lean muscles looking as suave and sexy as he always does.
“Daddy!” Lily runs over and he scoops her up in his arms.
“Hey, sweetie.” He gives her a big kiss.
I watch the exchange, admiring their relationship. The small, protected bubble they’ve created for themselves and the yearning to be a part of that has me clutching my chest.
“Hey, Uncle Dane is waiting outside with Toby. He has a surprise for you.”
She wiggles until he drops her feet to the ground and then she jets off running out the door. “Bye, Miss Cat. See you tomorrow.”
She’s left me and Marcus to share the small amount of oxygen left in the room.
He walks closer and I step back. “Can we talk?” he says, with that deep rumble of his voice that resonates deep inside my bones.
“No.” I place my hand in front of me.
“Please. I talked to Lily's mom a couple of days ago.”
“That's good. I'm glad you got whatever you wanted out of it.” The smirk on his lips says he did, but that's none of my concern.
“I'm sorry, Cat.”
My back hits the wall and he stops his advance.
“Is this your piece?” He stops stalking toward me and hovers over the metal tree sculpture I finished up earlier today.
“Yes.” Having room to breathe, I step away, half tempted to take my piece and hide it from him because it feels so personal.
He and Lily were my inspiration.
“What's it called?” he asks.
“Blended.”
Our eyes lock and I pray for the tears that are pricking my eyes to disappear. I don't want him to see my reaction.
“Why are the two tree trunks intertwined?” His fingers run along the metal branches with tiny leaves hanging off them.
“Two people coming together.”
“And the big red apple?”
“Lily,” I say in a soft whisper.
He turns around, his hand landing on my cheek and those tears I willed away run like a river down my cheeks.
“Please, Marcus, don't.”
“Don't what? Tell you that I love you?”
I shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut, more tears spilling down my face.
“Tell you that I'm a jackass who should’ve seen what he had under his nose this entire time?”
He steps closer and my breath catches in my throat.
“Tell you that I don't want a minute to go by without you in my life?”
“You said it yourself, we're going in two different directions.” I can barely get the words out past the painful lump in my throat.
“We're going to New York with you.” He smiles.
I shake my head and he nods his.
“That's what you don't understand, I don't want to go to New York. I ca
n work anywhere, but Climax Cove is Lily’s home. She's number one, remember?”
“Cat, I don't care. She'll be fine as long as she has us.” He holds his hand up for me to take and I stare at it for a moment.
“You’re sure?” I ask in a small voice, but I already know the answer, it’s there in his eyes.
He nods.
“Well, then I think she'll be even better if she has the two of us in Climax Cove.” I take his hand in mine and he pulls me into his arms.
“I love you, Cat. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it.” His arms wrap around my waist.
The rush of love from his words makes me feel euphoric. “Maybe older isn't always wiser.”
He laughs, his one hand cupping my cheek.
“Ew, they're doing the kissy-kissy thing!” Lily screams.
“At least it's PG,” Dane jokes.
We look toward the door to find we have an audience.
“I was half expecting to come in here and see Marcus’ groin cleavage on display.” Dane laughs at his own joke while Ava covers Lily’s ears and shoots him a scathing look.
Marcus untangles himself from me, holding my hand as he bends down. “Come on, Lily.”
She runs up and right into his arms. With her in his left, his right arm wraps around my waist pulling me into him. “She forgave you?” Lily asks and everyone laughs.
“She forgave me.”
Lily opens her arms and I step in, her arm wrapping around my neck.
For the first time in forever, my heart feels like it's found home.
Marcus
Later that night...
I listen outside Lily's room as Cat says goodnight to Lily. They chat about the art show at camp and some of the other kids.
“Oh, Lily, I have your bracelet.” Cat must pull it out of her pocket. I briefly remember Lily handing it to her when she was playing in the sandbox this evening.
“I don't need it anymore.”
“You don't?” I hear the crack in Cat's voice.
“Nope. Miss Cat?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for forgiving my daddy.”
I stifle a laugh since I was under strict instructions from Lily not to eavesdrop. Hey, sometimes you can't let your kids dictate the rules.
“You're welcome.”
