by Piper Rayne
“Where did you learn that word? At camp?” He pins me with an accusatory stare.
I hold my hands up in the air.
“No one,” she says and then runs away and up the stairs.
“Lily!” he screams, but her footsteps on the stairs only speed up.
“Marcus, are you sure you're okay?” I ask.
Both his hands entwine on the back of his neck and he pulls hard. “I'm fucking fine.”
“Look who's using the bad language now.”
My words were meant to be a joke, but when he stares up at me, it’s clear he didn't take it the way I thought he would.
“What is your problem?” He moves past me and right to the fridge.
“I'm sure another beer will solve your issues,” I sneer and he looks at me, shakes his head and continues to twist the bottle open.
“You have no idea,” he mumbles.
“And why is that? Because you won’t tell me.” I cross my arms over my chest.
“It’s not your concern. You wouldn’t understand anyway. I wouldn’t have at twenty-four.” He chugs back some of his beer.
“Jeez, Marcus, you weren't complaining about how young I was when you were fucking me over the back of your living room couch the other night.” Heat seeps into my cheeks as my anger gets the best of me.
If looks could kill, I might have just been stabbed to death with the death rays shooting from Marcus’ eyes.
“What if Lily heard what you just said?” he says and I know I should have kept my mouth shut. Lily doesn't need to overhear that, but her door slammed as soon as she went upstairs.
“Is this about Lily's mom?”
The beer bottle cap flings across the room, landing on the kitchen counter.
“No.”
“Marcus.” I approach him like a Lion trainer afraid to become the prey. “I saw the letter. Lily's mom...is she in prison?”
He lifts the beer bottle to his lips, his eyes focused on me the entire time as he drains the bottle.
“Did you snoop through my stuff?” He slams the beer bottle down on the counter.
“No, it was when I was babysitting. It was on the counter in plain sight. I'm sorry, I've tried to wait, but something is clearly bothering you.”
“Wait for what?” His feet start moving, back and forth between the stove and the table.
“For you to tell me what happened and stop with all the secrets surrounding her disappearance.” I take a seat at the breakfast bar, hoping we can resolve whatever the issue is together. “I'm here for you.”
He stops, his hands wrapping around the edge of the counter. “You're here until September.”
“Give me a break, Marcus. You don't even respect me enough to tell me the truth.” I'm trying to be gentle but I feel that this is going to get out of hand quickly if he doesn't relax.
“Why? What do you understand about real life? You live off your daddy's money, you drive a car he bought you. I have real problems. A mortgage, a business, and a daughter to raise. You think you know how I should raise my daughter? Why? What gives you the right to tell me what Lily can handle? Your art degree?” The distaste in his tone when he says the word ‘art’ reminds me of the first time I told my dad I wanted to be an artist—like it's unproductive and brings nothing to the world.
“If you think for one second that you're helping her by letting her think she doesn't have a mother, you're clueless. One day she's going to hate you for lying to her. As far as how I choose to live my life, it's none of your business.”
I push back the stool and stand. “But isn't that the problem, Marcus? I'll always be little Caterina Santora in your eyes. You'll never look at me as an equal. You'll always see me as some young dumb girl who you have to lead through life.” I round the counter, completely sick of his face at this moment. “I thought we’d put the six years behind us. I actually believed you thought I’d grown up, but I see now you just liked the way my tits and ass filled out. Or maybe it's the curve of my hips so you can grip on and drill deeper inside of me. Is that it?”
He shakes his head and points over at me. “Just don't tell me how to raise my fucking daughter!” he yells.
I back step out of the room, grabbing my purse from the back of the breakfast stool.
“I can't do this. I can’t be with a man who can't be honest with me because he's not honest with himself. You're stuck, Marcus, and until you can unstick yourself, there's no room for a third person in this mix. Be careful though, at some point, Lily will realize what you've kept from her and then there might only be one.”
His eyes grow hotter and he clenches his fists.
“Stop!” Lily runs down the stairs, tears streaming down her face.
The color drains from Marcus’ face and he races over to her, scoops her up in his arms, and tries to soothe her to calm down.
“Stop yelling,” she murmurs and his blue eyes meet mine.
Tears prick the corners of my eyes at seeing the cost of our anger on Lily. “Bye,” I wave my hand in the air. “I'll see you at camp tomorrow, Lily.”
She squirms out of Marcus’ hold and he eventually lets her go. Her small arms wrap around my waist. “Bye, Miss Cat.”
I can still hear her sniffles, and I hate that we've upset her, but when she leaves me to go back to her dad, I know this is the best for everyone involved.
The door shuts behind me, and instead of the door to the past, it feels more like the door to my future slamming shut in my face.
33
Marcus
It's been three days. Seventy-five hours since I saw Cat last. I even dodged taking Lily to camp today and asked Dane because I'm a pussy and a wimp.
I was an asshole and a jerk and whatever other name you can think of.
Now, as I knock on her apartment door, my stomach churns, sweat is beading on my forehead and anyone looking at me might think I have the stomach flu from how pale I am. I'm about to ask Cat for a second chance. Strike that a third if I count six years ago.
God, I am such a dumbass.
Knock, knock.
She peeks out the side window and then the door slowly opens.
“Hey,” I say, by way of a lame ass greeting.
“Hey.” She doesn't open the door with an invitation to come in, so I bite the bullet.
“Can I come in?”
She steps out of the way as her answer, but the knob is firmly in her grip, as though telling me she holds the power here. Which she does.
“Are your roommates home?” I ask.
“No. Charlie's at Happy Daze and Ava is wherever Ava goes. Do you want something to drink?”
“A fifth of whiskey would be great,” I joke, but other than a small upturn to the corner of her lips, she says nothing.
“Sit down.” She does so herself, taking a seat in the far corner of the sofa.
I sit on her couch, leaving an empty cushion between us. Oddly familiar to the first time I barged in here. In many ways, I wish we could be back there.
“Listen.” My fingers knot together as I rest my forearms on my legs. “Lily's mom, Gretchen, is in a maximum-security prison for armed robbery.”
She doesn't gasp or even react at all, so I continue. “Gretchen and I were never meant to stay together. I found out she was pregnant with Lily the same night you came on to me six years ago. After not having any real relationship with my father my entire life, I wanted to make it work. Make a family work. Gretchen moved down to Climax Cove and I thought we were doing okay. I mean, I wasn't head over heels about her and we fought a lot, but I figured it was the stress of having a baby. When Lily showed up it got worse. Gretchen was so withdrawn. Motherhood was stressful on her. She couldn’t handle it.”
I glance over to make sure she's still with me. Her legs are crossed and her hands are also fisted together as she listens.
“Anyway, when Lily was two months old, I got a babysitter and we went back up to Portland to a buddy's party. Gretchen needed a break and I thought
it would help her relax, realize there’s still lots of fun to be had even if you’re a mother. I figured it might help the two of us to reconnect since that’s where we’d met originally. My buddy gave Gretchen what I thought was a joint but it was laced with cocaine.”
“And she got hooked,” she finishes for me.
I nod. “She started making more trips up to Portland and eventually I clued in, but by the time I admitted it to myself, heroin was her drug of choice. Lily was three months old when I gave Gretchen the free pass she wanted—to abandon us in Climax Cove and get on with her party girl lifestyle. But Cat,” I turn my head to lock gazes with her, “I've always blamed myself for the fact that Lily doesn’t have her mother in her life. Because of that one joint, her entire life spiraled out of control. Three years ago, she was desperate for her next score and she held up a liquor store with a loaded gun.”
There, it's out. I squeeze my eyes shut again and when I open them to my surprise she meets my eyes. “It was never about not letting you in, Cat, it was about me being ashamed. I never wanted you to look at me like a failure or like I let Lily down.”
She slides closer and places her hand on mine. “I would never think that. You might have taken her to the party, but you didn't make her smoke the joint. If she knew she was developing a problem she could have reached out for help.” She squeezes my hand and her easy acceptance of the situation makes me wonder why I didn't do this to begin with. I should’ve trusted in what we had.
“The night we fought…” Her gaze leaves mine for a second and she looks away. “What had you so worked up?”
I let out a long sigh. “Gretchen wants Lily to visit her at the prison. She's involved a lawyer and I’d gotten the letter that day. I'm sorry for everything I said. I couldn’t stop thinking about how it would affect Lily if I had to drag her up to the prison every month to visit a woman she doesn’t even know.” I remove my hands from under hers and stare into her eyes so she knows how truthful I'm being. “I don't see you as a young girl, Cat. I see you as a woman. And I don't think your art is silly, I think it's amazing. You’re one of the lucky few who is able to follow their passion and make a living from it.”
She nods as a slow tear trickles down her cheek. I use my thumb to brush the tear away as my stomach clenches over the fact that I’m the cause of it.
“I want us to try again,” I say and hold my breath waiting for her to say something.
She’s quiet for a moment and my anxiety grows until it’s a hard rock in my throat that I can’t swallow past. “I appreciate you saying that and I accept your apology. But Marcus, I don't think you're ready to allow someone in yet. You're so scared of someone hurting you and Lily. I get it, I do. Lily's heart matters most.”
Panic seizes me. “I'm not afraid anymore, Cat. These last few days have been agonizing and all I've wanted to do is hold you.”
She nods a smile gracing those lips I love so much.
“I have to thank you,” she says.
I crease my forehead in confusion.
“These past weeks have helped me realize that what I want is to settle down and have a family. I don't want to live in a city where no one knows who I am. I want to give myself to someone and share a future with them, but it's not just us here, Marcus. It's Lily. Unless you can stand here and look me in the eyes and admit that you trust me one hundred percent with Lily’s heart, there's no point in continuing our relationship.”
My gaze skirts down. She's asking for the one thing I’m not sure I could ever give anyone again. Gretchen had that trust and look what happened. I’m reminded every time Lily asks about her mom or stares avidly at another daughter and mother interact that my mistakes have consequences—for my daughter.
“You're looking for certainty,” I say.
“I'm searching for faith. I need all of you, Marcus, not just half of you. I get that Lily comes first, but I refuse to be a cast-off. Either you step in the circle with me or not.” Another tear slips down her face because we both know, what she’s asking me to do is damn near impossible for me.
“I do trust you. I can do this,” I fight, although it comes out weak and with less conviction than I would’ve liked.
She shifts her body away from my side. My gut twists and my head screams to tell her how I feel. That I’m going to lose the best thing I ever had, but my heart cinches desperately grasping onto the past, unable to open to the depths Cat wants it to.
“Until you can look me in the eye and I see no doubt, there is no us, Marcus.” She stands and walks silently to the door.
I meet her there a moment later. “You're looking for me to march in on a white horse.”
She huffs and smiles. “Yes, I am.”
“It's fairy tale, fiction, not real.” I shake my head. “Princes and princesses don't have bills and differing career goals. Love can't conquer all in the real world, Cat.”
She shrugs. “It doesn't change what I want.”
“The prince confessing his love.”
“No,” she shakes her head. “I want a man who has two feet in my circle. One who can't breathe without me. One who trusts me not to hurt him.”
I shake my head, disagreeing with her on the realities of life. I step out her door and turn to see her standing with the knob in her palm once more.
“I'm not sure I'm him.”
“Then I wait for him.”
The door shuts and all my hopes for what might happen here tonight come crashing down.
Sulking after my conversation with Cat, I end up at Happy Daze with a Blue Moon in my hand courtesy of Charlie, who's being a little snippy to me. She made me pay instead of putting it on my tab and then proceeded to shove my tip back at me, saying she didn't want my money.
Solidarity sister.
“You're making a mistake,” Garrett chimes in across from me, his eyes focused on the Giants game.
“You're the one who told me to think about Lily. Make sure she doesn't get hurt.”
“See, you took this too far.” Dane shakes his head like I’m an idiot. “The sleepovers were too much. You gotta nail her and then get the hell outta Dodge. Otherwise they get feelings and they want more.” He's rolling his eyes, his head bouncing from side to side.
“You do love her, right?” Garrett again, asking the deep questions. When the hell did he become the Dr. Phil of the group?
“I'm not sure I've ever been in love,” I confess. I thought maybe I might be with Gretchen once upon a time, but if I truly loved her I wouldn't have set her free, I would have fought for her.
“Bullshit.” Garrett takes his eyes off the television.
“You guys are getting way too sentimental here.” Dane stands and goes to the bar to talk with Charlie who’s trying to not stare at Garrett. He snaps his fingers in front of her dazed gaze focused in Garrett's direction and she blinks and shakes her head, re-joining us on planet Earth.
“You loved Sydney's mom, right? How did you know?” I ask.
He shrugs. “You just know. You're in denial.” He tips his beer in my direction. “You gotta get the Gretchen thing under control, first. You’ve got too many balls in the air. Control one.”
Dane sits back down, handing Garrett a beer. “Courtesy of Charlie.” Dane nods in her direction. Garrett follows his line of vision then turns back.
Dane looks at me and rolls his eyes. “He'll never see it.” I shrug, not in the mood to bust each other’s balls like usual.
Garrett's attention is back on the Giants game now.
“I know I don't want this to end with Cat. I like her, I do.”
“You need to admit that like is love, Marcus.” Garrett swivels in his seat. “You let her spend the night after your second date. You had sex in your house with Lily home. You've made her dinner. You've taken her to your favorite hiking trail. These are all things you've never done with anyone else.” His gruff tone is pleading with me to see the light. “You love the girl, you're just scared that she'll wake up one day and wonde
r why the hell she’s in this small town. She's not Gretchen, man.”
“Did you know that Cat placed some of her paintings in the summer art festival?” Dane asks and I shake my head. I've never even seen a piece of art she's done. “How about that she's doing an art lesson one Thursday a month down at the craft store?”
I shrug. And then wonder how Dane knows all this shit and I don’t.
“That she worked with Betty to get a few more art books into the library for people who want to learn to paint and draw,” Garrett chimes in.
“She likes this town and I think you're so worried she feels trapped you haven't seen how much she's embraced all the reasons you love living here,” Dane says.
I shake my shoulders. “Jesus, when did you guys become so talky-feely?”
They both stare dead at me. “Deal with your shit, Marcus. Fix the Gretchen crap, and then go win over your girl.” Dane is giving me the same gears now. “I'll find you a white pickup truck somewhere to drive off into happily ever after land.”
As I contemplate their words of advice, much of it ringing true, I know they're right about the one thing. Gretchen needs to be dealt with.
34
Marcus
Dane is nice enough to take Lily to camp again so I can be standing where I am—outside the prison gates.
The guards let me in and once I’m through all the standard practices of going in to visit an inmate, I sit at a table waiting for Gretchen. My leg taps on the floor while my fingers tap on the table. I'm not sure I'll even recognize her. It’s been years since I’ve seen her.
A guard opens a door and five women file out, four of them with smiles. Apprehension radiates off the fifth woman as she walks across the room.
Gretchen looks the same, only years older. Her once glowing skin is now pale with a greyish hue. Her round face now seems sunken. Her shiny long blonde hair is now dull and cut to her chin. Even with her difference in appearance, I still can pinpoint every feature Lily shares with her mother.
