Shalia's Diary #3

by Tracy St. John

  “Down, Matara. Put your ass down, or I’ll stop and leave you wanting. I’ll also bind your hands so you can’t bring yourself to orgasm.”

  I shrieked wordless rage at him, but I made my butt sink back down. Meanwhile, he kept thrusting and pressing against that spot. I couldn’t help but kick the air, my toes curled as I frantically tried to come.

  “I believe you were about to beg me for release?” The bastard laughed as he said this.

  Ugly, vicious names jumped to my lips, ready to stream out at Betra. However, some small sane part of me recognized the consequences that would follow such abuse. I fought them back.

  Instead of cursing him out, I sobbed, “Please let me come for you. Please, Betra, please. I want to come for you so bad.”

  “I’d like that,” he said. “I’d like you to come screaming my name.”

  “Yes.”

  “Then I’d like you to come so hard you can’t even scream. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

  His fingers drove and drove, making me feel raw with need. My pussy spasmed and clutched at those fingers making it crazy, trying to find its way to release. Somehow, completion kept eluding me, though. I teetered on the verge, unable to tumble into the violent rapture that wanted to claim me.

  “I said, I’d like you to come so hard you can’t scream, Shalia. Is that what you want as well?”

  My broken mind tried to grasp what he said as my body shook and strained. There was a roar in my ears that made Betra’s words hard to understand. I prayed that agreeing to whatever he wanted would gain his mercy.

  “Yes, please. Please, I want whatever you want. Anything you want, that’s what I want too.”

  “Now that is beautiful, my Shalia. That is a sentiment as beautiful as you. You may have your orgasms now.”

  Betra’s thumb landed on my clit and rubbed. My world blew apart instantly. At last climax arrived, battering my insides with gorgeous fury. All was sweet, tumultuous sensation that went on forever yet was over in the blink of an eye.

  “Again.”

  His voice was soft and coaxing, but his fingers still thrust without mercy as his thumb worked my clit once more. I was suspended in that stunning world of heaving sensation where sight and, but for one word, sound did not exist.

  “Again.”

  I was utterly lost as Betra continued to draw climaxes from me, helpless to stop him from driving me over the edge as he kept me draped over his legs, my wrists pinned.

  “Again.”

  And again. And again. That word was the only anchor to reality I possessed, and its utterance meant more of the shrieking pleasure that barreled through me .

  I have no idea how many times Betra brought me. I don’t know if I screamed his name. I don’t know if I came too hard to make a sound. When I regained my senses, I found myself in my bed with him, sheltering in the naked warmth of his big, muscular body. I felt so safe and secure with him like that. I didn’t even want to talk after getting my senses back, so I simply snuggled my cheek against his chest and let him hold me for a long while.

  It’s nice to know that even I can shut up and just be in the moment sometimes.

  January 10

  My time is up. Dr. Tep has called me in to see him about my final decision on the pregnancy. If we’re to freeze it for later implantation, it has to happen within the next couple of days.

  Now that I know there is the threat of an attack on the transport, it seems more than ever that this is not a good time to bring a child into the universe. Then again, when is there ever a good time? I swear I’m running from trouble more often than not these days, though things do seem rather settled right now.

  I’ve peeked through the staggering numbers of clans offering to bring the child up as their own. Being pregnant has definitely made me a more popular candidate for their Matara than if I was not. The question of whether Kalquorian men mind raising another man’s child is settled. Everyone promises my unborn all the support for his or her endeavors into adulthood and beyond. These boys aren’t playing around. They want me and my child.

  The thought I could be carrying the son or daughter of Dusa, Esak, or Weln also makes me want to have this baby. To know I can keep a piece of the first clan who let me know it was all right to love men, that the majority of the male gender is not composed of self-centered assholes, means the world to me. Even if it’s Nang’s child, I don’t have to know that. Besides, it’s not the kid’s fault if Nang did win the lucky sperm lottery. My baby still deserves a good, happy life.

  And yes, I’ll admit I haven’t quite let go of the hope that someday I’ll be able to introduce my firstborn to Dusa’s clan. I know, I know, it’s an utterly selfish thing now that Betra has enlightened me on how everyone else might feel if that happened. Yet I persist in wanting it. Dusa and the rest still won’t respond to any of the messages I sometimes send in which I let them know how I’m doing. It could be they’ll avoid me for the rest of their lives. Still, I can’t get the sweet image of them holding their child in their arms someday, seeing the thing of beauty they created with me. Is that truly such an awful thing?

  Anyway, it looks like I’ve made my decision, so I’m tromping off to speak to Tep. Then I’m going to find Katrina and Candy and see how the salon went last night and if Candy actually showed up for it.

  January 11

  Dad was present during my consultation with Dr. Tep, via vid com. The time lag was several seconds long, reminding me of how far I’m leaving Earth behind.

  It’s funny. Just when I think I’m done weeping over my home planet, a new wave of grief comes over me and I have to cry all over again. The pain isn’t as horrendous as before and it doesn’t hit as often, which is good. I still feel the loss, though. Maybe I always will.

  Anyway, I delivered my news as soon as I saw Dad transmitting his big, teddy bear image into the medical department next to Dr. Tep. I gave him a shy smile. “Congratulations, Dad. I’ve decided you’re going to be a grandfather.”

  Tep smiled right away, but he waited the twenty seconds it took for Dad to get the message and respond. The first of my Kalquorian fathers beamed, and his rolling chuckle tickled my ears. “Wonderful, my daughter! Do I get to share the news with your other fathers, or would you prefer to com them yourself?”

  “Go ahead and let them know,” I said. “This time lag stuff is a headache.”

  More seconds of waiting, then Dad nodded. “We’ll send you a message later after I’ve told them. I know they’ll want to share their delight with your decision.” Dad fairly bounced with excitement, quite a sight to see. “Grandfathers! What I wouldn’t give to be there when the baby arrives.”

  “Just as long as you get home in time so your grandchild knows you,” I ordered. “The sooner the better. How am I supposed to vet prospective clans without my fathers there to give me their advice?”

  Dad grinned at that. “I’m so glad you’re going to do this, Shalia. I’ve lost sleep over worrying about you. We’ll get home as soon as we can, but it still might be a while.” He scowled. “If you do find some clans that you think are worthwhile, send their information to us. Your father Rak can do a check on their backgrounds more in depth than what you’ll be capable of. We’ll see to it only the best clan gets to claim our daughter.”

  He’s such a dad, isn’t he? I had a sudden image of Nayun, Bitev, and Rak sitting in an Earther living room, doing maintenance on plasma rifles just as a young man showed up at the door to take me on a date. Whoever thinks Earthers and Kalquorians are too different to coexist should let my parent clan adopt them.

  After a brief conversation, Dad’s transmission ended. Tep gave me a going over and transferred some information from his computer to the one in my quarters as to what to expect as the pregnancy progresses. I realized it’s a bit of a toss-up as to whether I’ll have this baby on the ship or on Kalquor. Right now Tep predicts I’ll be a brand new mom when we reach our new home. My prospective clans can bring me flowers and diapers on our d
ates.

  I went next to look for Candy and Katrina, wanting to tell them I’d finally made the final decision. I found them in Katrina’s quarters.

  Candy definitely looked worse for wear. In fact, she looked like she had just woken up. Her hair was tangled wreck. She wore no makeup. At total odds with her disheveled appearance was the fact she wore a rumpled but beautiful cocktail dress of pink lace. She was barefoot.

  Katrina sat at her little dinette table, drinking coffee with a smug look on her face as she grinned at me and Candy. She looked good in a pair of loose-fitting trousers and pullover shirt. Her short salt-and-pepper hair was combed into place.

  I stared at Candy, who had the expression of a cat that had eaten a tasty mouse. She might have been a mess, but she seemed to be a happy mess. She looked back at me, as if waiting for me to figure out what the hell was going on.

  My head was still immersed in my own news, so I was a few steps behind where I should have been. “What the hell happened to you?” I asked.

  “You can’t tell?” Candy beamed. “You can’t even guess?”

  Katrina snorted when I just stood there like a dolt. “Last night was my salon. The one Candy finally got off her nervous ass and attended?”

  “Oh,” I said. Suddenly, it hit me what had happened. “Oh!” I really stared at Candy then. “But you weren’t going to – you wanted to get to know one of them first—”

  “Ha!” Katrina chortled. “She got to know one, all right. One times three, to be precise. It was only three, wasn’t it dear?”

  Candy snickered and sat down gingerly. “Three. I’m pretty sure it was just the three.”

  “So much for easing into it,” I laughed, taking a chair as well. “What changed your mind?”

  “Booze and bites,” Katrina said. “Gets them every time.”

  “I wasn’t planning on having sex,” Candy defended herself. “But I did have a lot to drink to steady my nerves. The trouble was, I didn’t realize how ‘steady’ I’d gotten until I flopped down on that Kalquorian’s lap and started kissing him.”

  “At that point, I sent her into my room. That reminds me, I’ll need to change the sheets.” Katrina got up and poured me a cup of coffee.

  “But that doesn’t explain how you ended up with three men,” I pointed out. “Jeez Katrina, did you have them take a number or line up at the door?”

  She guffawed over that one.

  Candy blushed. “I don’t quite remember how that happened. I mean, I remember kissing the one guy—”

  “And grinding on him and pulling at his clothes,” Katrina supplied.

  “—then I was in Katrina’s room letting three men take my dress off me. I’m so glad they didn’t rip it.” Candy looked her outfit over as if to confirm it hadn’t been torn during her ravishment.

  “What happened was, I told Candy’s first friend they needed to take it in the other room. He helped her stand and our shy, retiring little virgin looked around the dozen or so young men. Like a queen with a harem, she pointed at two other candidates saying, “I’ll take this one and this one too. I’m a very friendly girl, and I’m finally ready to prove it.”

  While I sprayed a mouthful of coffee in my hysterics over the image of the Girl Next Door choosing her companions in debauchery, Candy covered her face with her hands.

  “Oh hell,” she groaned. “You’ll have to tell me their names so I’ll know who to avoid. How embarrassing!”

  “At least tell me you remembered having your first sex,” I said, wiping Katrina’s table with the napkin she tossed to me.

  “I remember.” Candy’s grin was pure lechery. “I remember all that. Which brings me to my next question: when is the next gathering, Katrina? Tonight, I hope?”

  We laughed. Another Earther sex fiend had been born, thanks to the Kalquorians.

  I waited until we went to lunch before I shared my own news. I didn’t want to take away from Candy’s obvious enjoyment of her non-virginal status. Since she wasn’t so emotionally free as to trumpet her conquests in the company of others in the dining hall, I chose that time to tell her and Katrina they would soon be aunties.

  Squeals, hugs, and congratulations were poured on. My friends were delighted with my decision.

  Come to think of it, now that the angst of figuring out what is the best thing to do about my pregnancy is behind me, I’m pretty happy about it too. I’m going to be a mom.

  Holy shit. I’m going to be someone’s mother!

  January 12

  I just finished recording another message to Dusa, Esak, and Weln. I even managed to sound cheerful while I did so. They wouldn’t want to know how much I miss them, or how the moment I stopped recording that I broke down and cried because I know they won’t answer this message anymore than they’ve answered the others.

  I told them I’d decided to have the baby. Then I apologized for having told them I was pregnant at all, knowing it was impossible for them to be the child’s fathers because of the way Kalquorian society is dictated. I was sorry if I’d hurt them by oversharing the situation.

  “Don’t worry about us. I’ll find a good clan to raise this child with, men who will love it like it’s their own,” I promised. “I admit, I’m still going to hope it’s yours. I hope it looks like one of you, so I know I’ll have something precious to keep of the time we shared.”

  I took a deep breath at that point, thinking of all the joy I’d had with those three men. Even the rough times didn’t seem so awful when it came to my first Kalquorian loves. Dusa bending over me as I lay sick and exhausted in a flowerbed. Esak’s proud head shaved and showing the scars of the attack that had nearly killed him. Weln patiently waiting for Mom’s profanity-filled yelling at him to subside.

  “Look, I know you think it’s best if we never see each other again,” I told them from too many miles away. “But at least send word when you leave Earth and get home safely. Give me that comfort, because you three will always own a piece of my heart. No man, no clan will ever change that I had something special with you. If I live five hundred years, those few weeks with you will always remain among the best times of my life.”

  I signed off before I could ruin the image of a calm, strong Shalia by becoming whiny, weepy Shalia. Like I said, it would bother them to hear me cry, and I’ve done enough damage. I still can’t be grown up enough to hope they find some other nice Earther girl to love them better than I have, but I’m working up to it.

  Who knows, maybe they will come home and want to see me. Maybe I won’t have found that clan that sweeps me off my feet. Maybe Clan Dusa and I will discover we’re compatible and we can live happily ever after.

  That’s a lot of maybes.

  In the meantime, I have a couple of definite things to keep me from getting in bed and pulling the covers over my head. There’s Betra to distract me from my shattered dreams. I have a baby to plan for. It feels like I live for distractions to keep me from thinking too hard about what I couldn’t keep, what I left behind. What else can I do, though? I don’t want to spend the years ahead of me worrying about woulda, coulda, shoulda. My life is what I’ve made it, for better or worse. If Clan Dusa is to be a part of it, whether in a large or small way, then hooray! But if not ... well, it’s stupid to mope my way through, isn’t it? It’s time to go back into survivor mode. After all, next to fucking up like no one else, surviving is what I do best.

  January 13

  We got an ugly wake-up call this morning when alarms started blaring all over the ship. Startled, I thrashed my way out of bed. After about half a second’s consideration, I pulled on yesterday’s clothes. I’d left my blouse, trousers, and socks puddled all over the floor rather than tossing them in the laundry intake last night. All hail laziness, because I figured if the ship was about to blow up, at least I wouldn’t disintegrate in my nightgown.

  I ran for the door of my quarters to the accompaniment of the announce chime going off and fists pounding on the outside. It sounded like things wer
e pretty bad, and I thought my heart might break right through my chest in the panic. I opened the door to see Katrina dressed and ready for whatever hell we were about to face. She was accompanied by a bathrobed and terribly discombobulated Candy, her blond hair sticking out in every direction.

  “What is it?” I screamed, ready to go into full freak-out. I’m always prepared for that.

  “We don’t know. Everyone is going to their liaison to find out.” Katrina’s voice was higher pitched than usual and a little loud, but she was obviously the least crazed of our trio.

  “Come on, Shalia!” Candy yelled, making my ears pop.