Killing Them Softly

by Glenn, Roy

  Since I didn’t have shit else to do, I took the class and really got into it. It taught me a lot about myself, and the source of my rage. I learned ways to deal with my anger like, takin’ a timeout and counting to ten before reacting, or puttin’ some space between me and the person I’m angry with.

  "Once you’re calm, express your anger. It’s healthy to express your frustration in a non-confrontational way," Dr. Goodwin said. "Stewing about it will only make the situation worse."

  She told me that I need to think carefully before I say anything. "Then instead of focusing on what made you mad, work with the person who angered you to resolve the issue."

  "I don’t know about that one, Doc. You run up on a mad mutha fucka, they ain’t tryin’ to hear, let’s work it out."

  "I can understand how that might be the case, but you could use ‘I’ statements when describing the problem. This will help you to avoid criticizing or placing blame, which can make the other person angry or resentful, and increase the tension between you."

  "Like what?"

  "For instance, say, ‘I am upset you didn’t help with the housework this evening,’ instead of, ‘You should have helped with the housework’."

  At first, I didn’t think none of that shit was gonna work, but Doc told me to at least try some of the techniques we talked about, and I would see that they work. She said that I shouldn’t hold grudges. Try to use humor to release tensions. "Lightening up can help diffuse tension," Doc said. "Don’t be sarcastic though."

  I laughed. "Why not?"

  "It can hurt people’s feelings and make things worse. And I strongly recommend that you practice relaxation skills. Learning skills to relax can also help control your temper. Practice deep-breathing exercises, or repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself, like ‘Take it easy, Qianna’."

  I tried some of the shit she told me, and it worked. Now I’m not gonna say that I was an ideal inmate after that. I still got into my share of shit, and got wrote up for shit almost daily. But I did manage to stay out the hole the rest of the time I was there. I did all of my time, and now, I’m out. And I swore to myself that I was never goin’ back to jail ever again. This time, it’s gonna be different.

  * * *

  Chapter Eleven

  Devin

  Taye was up early. It was unusual, given the recent progression of her depression, for her to be up at five-thirty in the morning. But I took it as an opportunity to talk, and hopefully, clear the air between us. We’d been going at it lately, so I braced myself for an argument, but I still went to her with an open heart; and thoughts of Avonte on the backburner.

  She was sitting at the dining room table drinking coffee when I found her.

  "Mind if I join you?" I asked, and pulled a mug from the cabinet. She shrugged her shoulders. "Taye, we need to talk."

  "I really don’t feel like it, Devin."

  "I know, honey, but we need to."

  "So, talk then."

  "Taye, you know I love you."

  "Is this where you tell me that you’re leaving me?"

  "Don’t be ridiculous or sarcastic. I didn’t come to you to argue."

  "So, what exactly do you want?" She looked at me with no emotion.

  "I want us to be like we used to be. We used to love to be around each other. We used to look forward to touching each other after a long day of tedious work. We used to make love."

  "Is that what this about? I told you that you can take it whenever you want."

  "Take it? I don’t want to take it. I want you to want to make love to me. Don’t you want to feel the heat and passion that I have for you, Taye?" I knelt down in front of her. "Don’t you want me to love you like you deserve to be loved? We can get through all of these hard times. Remember for better or for worse?"

  Taye laughed lethargically.

  "For better or for worse; and can it get any worse than it is right now?" I said softy, but Taye still heard me.

  "What is that supposed to mean?" she asked.

  "I mean, can you think of anything worse than what we have going on right now?"

  She got up and went into the kitchen to get another cup of coffee.

  "Yes," Taye said, and turned around abruptly.

  I was afraid to ask what would be worse. "Living without you, Taye. I swear, you mean everything to me. I need to be desired by you as much as you are by me. That’s what husbands and wives do."

  "Now we’re back to the sex thing. I tell you, you’re so predictable, Devin." That offended me, and I wondered if she could predict, that since the day I met her, I wanted to lay with her, make love to her, kiss her lips—both of them, and taste her juices.

  "Taye, any other man would leave you."

  "Is that what you want to do, Devin? Leave?"

  "No. That’s why I’m talking to you. I’ve been trying to talk to you and be here for you, but you keep shutting me out. I’m human, Taye. Damn it!"

  "And so am I. But right now, I can’t. I have so much healing to do, and you need to give me that time and space to do so."

  "And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?"

  "Well, you said it, for better or for worse. Be my husband if you love me so much." She went back to the dining room table and took a seat.

  "I do love you, baby," I said, as I eased over to her. I took the coffee mug from her hands and began to massage her shoulders. That made her very uncomfortable.

  "Don’t, Devin." She pushed my hand off her.

  Avonte wouldn’t tell me no, I thought, and tried to touch her again.

  "Don’t! I don’t want you to touch me!" She screamed, and threw the coffee mug against the wall.

  "Taye, have you lost your mind?"

  "I asked you not to touch me," she said, as she began to cry hysterically.

  "Don’t worry. I won’t anymore." I left the dining room area and went to get dressed for work.

  The rest of the week was like living alone. Taye was in a trance because of her depression. She and I would pass each other like strangers in our own home. I started staying late at the office so that I didn’t have to go home and see Taye. I started sleeping on the couch, and while I was alone at night, Avonte danced through my mind, and was the only thing that made my days bearable.

  There were so many times I thought of calling her. But every time I picked up the phone and began dialing the number, I’d hang up, and never make the call. My mind was twisted with the love I had for my wife, and the lust I had for Avonte.

  How could Avonte have me out there like that? Before Avonte, Taye was the only woman that challenged me sexually and mentally. But since I met Avonte, it’s like she tapped into my mind, and programmed me to think only of her. The more Taye pushed me away, the more I knew I had to have Avonte.

  "Thank God it’s Friday," I said quietly, as I came out of yet another meeting. It had been a rough week, but I got through it without too much grief and aggravation at the office.

  However, on the home front, Taye was slipping deeper and deeper into depression. There were no longer any manic moments, and Dr. Larrieux was considering other therapy alternatives. I was at my wits end, and had begun searching for a new therapist. The entire experience had left me feeling drained.

  When I got back to my office, my phone was ringing. "This is Devin James," I said.

  "What are you doing?"

  "Excuse me," I said, not catching the voice.

  "I said what are you doing?"

  "Avonte?" I asked, wondering how she got my number, but overjoyed that she had it.

  "Yes," Avonte said.

  Suddenly I no longer felt drained. I could feel her energy come through the phone, and I fed into it immediately. "How have you been?"

  "I’m fine. How come you haven’t called me?"

  "I lost your number," I lied quickly.

  "Yeah, right. You probably balled up my note and threw it away."

  "No, I didn’t. In fact, I was looking at your number one day and was about t
o call you, when one of my colleagues came into my office to discuss a case. I haven’t been able to find it since then," I said, as close to the truth as I could get on short notice.

  "So how have you been?" Avonte asked, seemingly satisfied with my answer.

  "I’ve been all right."

  "That’s good.

  "What about you, Avonte? How have you been doing?"

  "I’m good today, but the last few days have been a little rough."

  "Anything I can do to help?"

  "Just hearing your voice is helping, believe me." Then Avonte dropped her voice an octave. "I wanna see you, Devin James."

  "I’d like to see you, too. Avonte, would you mind holding on for a minute?"

  "Sure."

  I put Avonte on hold and got up from my desk. I went to my office door, then closed and locked it, before returning to the phone.

  "Thanks for holding, Avonte."

  "Not a problem. So, when am I going to see you?"

  "What are you doing this evening?"

  "Seeing you," Avonte replied definitely.

  "Why don’t we meet someplace for dinner."

  "That’s fine. Where and when?"

  "Do you mind coming into the city?"

  "Not really."

  "Are you familiar with the South Street Seaport?"

  "Yes. I’ve been there a few times," Avonte said.

  "There’s a restaurant there called Sequoia."

  "I know the place. I’ve eaten there before. The food is good. What time?"

  "Is seven good for you?" I asked.

  "That’s perfect, Devin. That will give me some time to get some things done around here."

  "So, I’ll see you at seven then?"

  "It’s a date," Avonte said quickly; and abruptly hung up the phone.

  I sat holding the phone in my hand for a second or two longer, before returning it to its cradle. I glanced over at the clock. It was almost two o’clock. I picked up the phone, dialed Taye at work, and told her that I was having dinner with a client, and wouldn’t be home until late in the evening. "No later than midnight, I’d think," I said. I figured I’d meet Avonte at seven. Have dinner, drinks, and little conversation, add another hour in case the service is bad or the conversation is good, and on the way home by eleven.

  Taye’s response was, "Fine." It was getting to be her standard response to anything.

  For the remainder of the afternoon, I was riding a wave of adrenaline. Not even Winston’s constant questions about why I seemed so "damned bubbly", could break me out of it. Almost from the first moment I saw her, I felt an intense physical attraction to her. From the start, Avonte was all up in my face, giving me a strong vibe that she wanted me.

  Whenever my mind wasn’t occupied, it always seemed to eventually drift to thoughts of Avonte. It would always go the same way—me with my clothes off, longing to be inside her. I imagined myself doing it to her slow with the lights low, licking her plump nipples then fuckin’ her doggie-style.

  I thought about Taye. I loved her so much and wished that she would get better, but I needed sex. I needed to feel the warmth of a woman’s flesh against mine.

  At seven o’clock sharp, I stood waiting on Pier 17 at the South Street Seaport. Thinking that it would be rude if I went inside and waited for her to arrive at the bar, I decided to wait outside. It was a particularly cold night, so I hoped that Avonte wouldn’t be too late.

  By seven thirty, I decided that waiting outside was no longer an option, and went inside. Taking a seat at the bar so I could see the door, I waited. My hands and face were cold, so I shot my first glass of Barcardi trying to get warm.

  It was a little after eight when Avonte finally came through the door. As soon as she saw me, Avonte smiled that beautiful smile of hers, and came to me. I stood up to greet her and tried to give her a platonic hug, and keep a polite distance between us, but Avonte would have none of that. She put her body into it and topped it off with a kiss on the lips.

  "Sorry I’m so late. Traffic coming through the Midtown Tunnel was murder."

  "You made it, and that’s the important thing."

  "I would have called to let you know I was going to be late, but you didn’t give me your cell phone number." She took off her coat to reveal a one-piece black jumper, accented with a diamond studded waist belt.

  "You look incredible tonight, Avonte."

  "Thank you, Devin," Avonte flirted in that voice that was driving me insane. "You look very nice in a suit."

  Once we were seated, a waiter came and handed us menus. As he told us about the day’s specials, Avonte said, "Oysters. Do you like oysters?"

  "I love oysters."

  "Good," Avonte said, turning her attention to the waiter. "We’ll start out with a dozen of your East and West Coast oysters. And bring me a double shot of Kettle One." She sent the waiter on his way.

  "So, Avonte, other than the oysters, do you see anything else you like?"

  "Well, the pan-fried crab cake with roasted potatoes, seasonal vegetables, and tartar sauce sounds tasty. But, I think I’m going to have the fried sea scallops with whipped potatoes and chive oil. What about you?"

  "I was looking at the roasted Maine lobster, but that’s too much trouble, so I’m gonna try the linguine with fresh clams."

  Over dinner, we had the usual amount of polite dinner conversation. I talked about my life as tax attorney.

  "Boring," Avonte mused. "But you didn’t invite me to dinner to talk about my taxes."

  "Really," I laughed a little. "Why did I invite you then, Ms. Avonte?"

  "You invited me here because you want me."

  I didn’t answer right away, but since that is why I invited her there, I went on and admitted it. "You’re right, I do want you."

  "I usually am about these things." Avonte smiled.

  "So when can we get together?" I asked as I discreetly glanced at my watch.

  "What about now?"

  I glanced at my watch again. It was little before ten; so much for on the way home by 11. "Now is good," I said, and signaled for the waiter.

  * * *

  Chapter Twelve

  Avonte

  Now that the check had been paid and the waiter was tipped handsomely, Devin and I left the restaurant and stepped out into the cold night air.

  "Where to?" I asked.

  "I know a place not far from here."

  "Where is that?"

  "A hotel called Club Quarters. It’s on Williams Street. It’s only a couple of blocks from here. We can walk, if you like."

  "You know, Devin, if it’s all the same to you, why don’t we just catch a cab," I suggested. "I know walking would be more, you know, romantic, but it’s cold. And I want you now."

  Devin stepped to the curb. "Taxi!" he yelled.

  A short time later, we were walking in the hotel lobby of Club Quarters. "I take it you come here often?"

  "Yes. My office is near here, so we put up clients here when they’re in town. And anytime somebody works late and doesn’t want to go home, this is where we stay."

  "Convenient."

  "Yeah, we even get a corporate discount."

  The desk clerk handed Devin the card key, and we proceeded to the elevator. When the door was closed, Devin inserted the key in the slot and pressed the button for our floor. I immediately stepped to him. I put my arms around his neck and kissed him.

  When the elevator stopped on our floor, the door opened and closed again. We continued kissing. When the elevator opened again, we were back in the lobby. We looked at each other and smiled, and quickly turned to laugher.

  "Maybe we should try it again," I suggested, "without the kissing part this time."

  "You think?" Devin said, laughing as he put the card key in again.

  "I promise to behave myself this time, but I can’t say for how long."

  "Is that a threat or a promise?"

  "Believe me, it’s both."

  I kept my word and stood on the opposi
te side of the elevator. When it reached our floor, we got off and started down the hall. "Tell me, when we get to the room, are we going to have one of those scenes where we start ripping each other’s clothes off like two mad dogs in heat?" Devin asked.

  "That is so done," I answered, and took hold of Devin’s hand. "So, I tell you what, I’ll undress you, and then you can undress me. How does that sound?"

  "Sounds like a real plan to me," Devin said as he unlocked the door and we went in.

  "I know what I just said, but . . ." I said, taking off my coat and stepping out of my shoes.

  "But what?"

  "I have this overpowering urge to start ripping your clothes off, and fuckin’ the shit out of you like a mad dog in heat."

  Devin took off his coat and jacket. "Do you?"

  "Yes, but unzip me first."

  I turned around and Devin did as I asked, and then he took his time undressing me. He did it so slowly that I could tell he wanted to make every second of this last.

  I did too.

  Before that last night in San Juan, it had been so long since I’d felt a man’s body against mine.

  "Thank you. I’ve been dying to get out of that jumper all night," I said, and placed it neatly on the chair. Then I turned around and walked toward Devin, and began to undress him. Before I got his shirt off, Devin drew me to him and kissed me. Devin’s eyes were on fire. I could tell from that look and how hard he was, just how much he wanted me. I put my arms around his neck and pressed my body against his. The heat from my body made him grow harder as we kissed passionately. Our tongues glided effortlessly in and out of each other’s mouths, just as I’d imagined so many times. We explored each other’s bodies with our hands until I abruptly stopped.