Board Stiff (Xanth)

by Anthony, Piers

  Then they saw what was inside the cage. It was a live person. A girl. In fact it was Tiara.

  Once again Ease was moving before Kandy thought to stop him. He ran to the cage. “Tiara! What are you doing here?”

  “Ease!” she exclaimed. “Don’t come close. It’s a trap. The cage is sticky. If you touch it you’ll be caught.”

  Ease halted without touching the cage. “But you’re inside it!”

  “They put me in as bait.” She blushed. “I think they think I’m your girlfriend.”

  “So I’d have to save you,” he agreed. “But Tiara, I don’t want you stuck in there like that. What can I do?”

  “Do nothing,” she said. “I’ll be all right. They’ll just put me back in the zoo. They don’t want to hurt me; they just want to recover you. Don’t let them do it.”

  “Well, if that’s the way you want it.”

  “That’s the way it has to be.” She paused, then added. “And Pewter says maybe if you have time on your hands, you can check the other exhibits to see if they want to be rescued.”

  “But the aliens will see me.”

  “Pewter says they are keeping things clear until they recapture you. They don’t want you to spook. So the way is clear right now, for a while. Go.”

  “I’ll do that,” Ease said, walking away from the cage.

  He walked around the zoo to the dragon section. Kandy saw that the alien walk was a channel that was closed off from the regular landscape as well as the zoo exhibits. Maybe the aliens didn’t even breathe local air; it might be pressured with their kind of air. It was really a big tube that Ease could get under in dips in the ground.

  Ease came to the fence. “Hey, dragon!” he called to the nearest one. “You want to escape?”

  The dragon whirled and shot out a jet of fire. The flame glanced off the fence and dissipated.

  “I’ll take that as a no,” Ease said, halfway amused. Some dragons were smart, and some could even talk. These were evidently not that type.

  Next was the centaur section. “Do you want to be rescued?” Ease called.

  A splendidly endowed lady centaur oriented on him. “If you had asked a week ago, we would have been interested. But now we realize that this is actually a pretty good life. There’s a phenomenal library of books, and the food is good. So thank you for your interest, but no.”

  They didn’t want to be rescued? Pewter must have suspected.

  Ease walked on around to the goblin section. “Hey, goblins!” he called. “Want to get out?”

  “Go poke your finger in your right ear,” the nearest goblin called back. “And pull it out your left ear.”

  That was another negative. Ease walked on around to the harpies. “Hey, you’re from the fresh-meat section,” a harpy called. She had messy hair, a dirty torso, and greasy wings: a good specimen of her kind. “Whatcha doing outside, bleep for brains?”

  “I guess you’re not interested in getting out,” Ease said.

  She answered with a stream of invective that wilted the local shrubbery. That completed her description: a fowl temper.

  Ease completed the circuit. The cage remained, but the occupant had been replaced. Now it was Astrid. “Different bait, same trap,” she called. “Don’t fall for it. They figure that if Tiara is not your girlfriend, I must be.”

  “I’d like you to be,” Ease admitted. “If only we could stay close.”

  “Someday you’ll find your dream girl. Now clear out before the giant returns.”

  “But I was out in the open all the time,” Ease said. “No giant came after me.”

  “They knew you’d scoot for cover the moment one approached you,” she said. “It’s hard for giants to catch creatures our size if they don’t want to hurt them. They want you in good condition for the alien visitors. So they’re trying gentle methods.”

  “And if they don’t catch me today?”

  “It may be less nice tomorrow,” she said. “So if you have a rescue plan in mind, best implement it tonight.”

  “I’ll try,” Ease said.

  She eyed him. “You have no idea what to do.”

  “Right,” he agreed ruefully.

  “Commune with your inner self. Maybe you’ll come up with something.” This was actually an appeal to Kandy to figure out a plan if she could.

  “Maybe,” he agreed without conviction, and walked away.

  Before long the giant came to take away the cage. This time he left another cage in its place. This one was of lighter construction, wickerwork, with large holes between the crisscrossing slats. And it held a different girl. This one was nicely clothed, and quite pretty overall.

  When the giant left, Ease approached. “Who are you?”

  “Hello!” she said cheerily. “I am Timothea, and my talent is conjuring clothing. Any kind.” She eyed his nakedness appraisingly. “Would you like some? I could make you a very nice outfit.”

  “I’ve got clothing. Just not here.”

  She made a gesture with her hands, and a pair of trousers appeared. “Maybe start with these. Cover up your awkward hardware.”

  Ease was tempted, but Kandy nixed it. I DON’T TRUST HER. SHE’S TOO SMOOTH.

  “I don’t trust you,” Ease said, echoing the thought.

  Timothea’s face clouded up. “You don’t like me!” she sobbed.

  Ease took a step toward her, but this time Kandy was ready and stopped him literally in his tracks. TEARS ARE A STANDARD FEMALE PLOY. DON’T FALL FOR IT.

  “I—didn’t say that,” Ease said. His feelings were not merely mixed, but homogenized.

  The cloud dissipated. “Really? I am reassured. Hold my hand.” She reached out through the cage.

  DON’T TOUCH HER!

  Ease froze in mid reach. “Sorry,” he muttered.

  “Oh, bleep!” she swore, and dissipated into smoke. So did the cage.

  She was a demoness! The zookeepers had really pulled out all the stops this time.

  Ease retreated to the corn, shaken. He knew he had had a close call. Only his common sense had saved him.

  Kandy was annoyed. His common sense?

  So they had avoided the several traps the keepers had set. But the problem remained: how could they free the others? They now knew that the other exhibits weren’t interested in escaping, which simplified things, but that wasn’t enough. They had to recover their clothing, notably the dress with sequins, and invoke one to enter the next Event. How could they do that from out here?

  Then Kandy got an inspiration so bright that it made a bulb flash over Ease’s head. Suddenly she knew how to do it.

  WAIT TILL NIGHT, she thought to Ease. REST, SLEEP UNTIL THEN.

  Ease, trusting his common sense, settled down in the corn and soon slept. Kandy reviewed her plan, looking for flaws and finding none. It should be feasible.

  When night came, Ease returned to the gate, alert for any sound of a giant. There was none. Evidently the giants preferred to work by day.

  He went to the gatehouse and took hold of the winch handle. He threw his full weight into it, shoving it slowly around until the gate cranked open by a sliver. Then he squeezed through it, reached back from inside, and shoved the handle back the way it had come. The gate nudged shut again.

  The zoo keepers had never thought that anyone would try to break into the zoo. They had set no alarm on the gate, and the little bit it had opened had not been enough to attract any attention. They were safely inside.

  Still, Kandy was not completely reassured. This had been a bit too easy. Yet how could it be another trap, since the keepers wanted Ease where he was: in the zoo?

  Ease went to the glass house. “Pssst!” he whispered.

  The others joined him immediately and silently. Then he went to the closed glass closet. “In case of emergency,” he said, “Break Glass.”

  Ease swung the board hard against the glass. Kandy enhanced its impact as it struck. The glass shattered. The clothing was exposed.

  They
pulled out their clothing and quickly donned it. But the sound had attracted attention. The girl, Timothea appeared before them, glowing to illuminate the house. “What are you up to?” Then she spied Ease. “And what are you doing inside? If you had taken my hand, I’d have clamped it with a grip of steel and held you for admittance.” She was no longer making any secret of her nature or her loyalty: she worked for the keepers.

  “I guess I missed my friends,” Ease said.

  “You broke the glass. You got your clothing.” Then Timothea’s eyes fixed on the board. “With that board! That thing is dangerous. Well, I’ll just take that now, and keep you out of future mischief.” She reached out her hand, the one that could make a grip of steel.

  Astrid stepped in between them. “Leave him alone.”

  “Get out of my way, girl, or I’ll throw you out.”

  Astrid removed her glasses and stared Timothea in the face.

  Timothea rocked back. “Oh, my! You’re a basilisk! Good thing I’m not alive, or I’d be dead by now.”

  “Even demons are affected to a degree,” Astrid said. “Now get out of here and leave us alone.” Then, to Tiara: “Take a sequin.”

  Tiara looked stricken. “I just realized: Sequins of Events is a pun! And this dress has been out of Pewter’s range. The pun will have melted.”

  Now they all looked stricken. She was right. They could no longer use the sequins to jump to new Events.

  “What’s this about a sequin?” Timothea demanded.

  They ignored her. “We’ll have to find another way,” Mitch said.

  “What about the troll?” Ease asked.

  “What troll?” Timothea asked.

  “Ease, the troll is past history,” Mitch said. “We need to deal with the present crisis.”

  “The dress,” Ease said. “It floated down the stream, and the troll got it. Then we used the sequins to go to the next three Events. Why didn’t the virus get it then?”

  There was a significant pause.

  “Virus?” Timothea asked. “You specimens don’t need to care about that any more.”

  “You’re right,” Pewter said. “The dress and sequins were outside my firewall for some time. Yet we used them thereafter. How can that be?”

  “Somehow the dress and sequins pun avoided being destroyed,” Mitch said. “Could they have their own firewall?”

  “No,” Pewter said. “I would have recognized it.”

  “Then how?”

  “I think I know,” Astrid said. “Something may be de-punned and still work, like the maze maize. Sequins of Events is a pun, but the sequins are real regardless where they are or how they are named. Putting a sequin on the dress is the signal to bring the next Event, no pun required. So it worked after the troll, and should still work now.”

  “Then let’s do it!” Mitch said.

  “I think I’d better take that dress,” Timothea said.

  “Touch it and I’ll claw you into confetti,” Astrid said.

  The demoness was not frightened but angered. She leaped on Astrid, her own claws forming. Astrid hugged her and breathed into her face, setting her back. “Invoke a sequin!” Astrid snapped to the others.

  Tiara came to her as the others drew close. Tiara quickly removed then replaced a sequin.

  Timothea’s mouth expanded, forming giant pointed teeth. She opened it, ready to bite off Astrid’s face. Astrid grabbed her ears and twisted the head until the neck was a tight knot of fibers and the face was pointed backwards. “Give over, idiot!” she hissed. “You lost. You’re not in the zoo anymore.”

  Timothea looked. “Oh, bleep! Where are we?”

  “I have no idea,” Astrid said, letting her go. “But I’m sure you can find your way home if you try.”

  The demoness’s head spun about until the neck untwisted. “No. I’ll stay and fetch you exhibits back to the zoo. That’s my job.”

  “We need to get rid of her,” Tiara muttered. “She’s a nuisance.” She was well aware of the way both men were covertly eying the shapely demoness, whose body remained spectacular.

  Kandy prompted Ease. “You’ll stay?” Ease asked. “That’ll be fun. Come here, you luscious creature. I’ve got great ideas for you.” He reached for Timothea.

  “Oh for pity’s sake,” the demoness said. “As if I’d ever touch a lout like you except to push your silly face in the mud.” She dissipated into smoke and blew away on the wind.

  “Good job, Ease,” Astrid said. “You bluffed her off.”

  “Bluff? Shucks, I’d have liked to have her,” Ease said. “At least for five minutes. She’s pretty.” And of course that was his whole definition of a woman: her appearance, however come by. Kandy was disgusted, but also intrigued: she had the necessary looks herself, when she wasn’t a board. Also, she had to recognize that what attracted her to Ease was that he was handsome, goodhearted and manageable. So she wasn’t much better in her own definitions.

  “Same thing as a bluff,” Astrid said. “She’d be as bad for you as I am, in a different way. You need a better woman.”

  “I need my dream woman,” Ease agreed. “But I see her only in my dreams.”

  “Someday she’ll come to you when you’re awake. Have faith.”

  “I hope so.”

  Kandy wished she could reassure him that she would indeed come to him when she could. But that was the rub: how long would she be stuck with the curse of being a stiff board? So far there had been no hint of any way to escape that.

  “Did we accomplish our Event?” Tiara asked. “We didn’t rescue any other exhibits.”

  “They weren’t interested,” Ease said. “I queried them. They’re satisfied to be zoo specimens.”

  “There must have been something,” Mitch said.

  “There was,” Pewter said. “We realized that the Sequins are not pun-powered. That means we can wade into virus territory without all of you staying within the firewall. That could make a difference.”

  “It could indeed,” Astrid said. “I am relieved.”

  Now they paused to see where they were. It was of course a completely different scene.

  Chapter 14:

  Storm

  Actually it was not a bad scene. It was night, but there was good moonlight so that they could see. They stood in a meadow beside a lake bordered by flowering trees. Above the lake hovered a lone cloud. It seemed quite peaceful.

  “Let’s sleep,” Mitch suggested. “We don’t know what the morrow may bring, but I don’t trust it. I want to be fully rested before I tackle it.”

  “Sleep,” Pewter said. “I still need to maintain my firewall, though the virus does not seem to be here yet, but I can keep watch.”

  “Good enough.” Mitch and Tiara settled down together, while Ease and Astrid lay down a modest distance apart.

  Soon Ease slept; he was a quick sleeper. Kandy reverted. “Hello again, friend,” Astrid called softly.

  “You handled that demoness well,” Kandy said as she sat up, moving the man’s hand to her leg.

  “I’m supposed to be the Quest bodyguard. It was Ease who really got rid of her.”

  Kandy laughed. “By threatening to smooch her! That’s ironic. He couldn’t get rid of me that way.”

  “Or me,” Astrid said sadly. “No offense. I’d like to safely kiss any man, even if all he wanted was my body.”

  “And a beautiful body it is.”

  “Yours too.”

  “We remain sisters in spirit,” Kandy said. “Neither of us can touch Ease or any man. Not in any way that counts.”

  “Let’s kiss him,” Astrid said. “Me fleetingly, you lingeringly. So we can pretend.”

  “Let’s,” Kandy agreed.

  Astrid got up and walked across to them. She took a breath, held it, got down beside Ease, and kissed him momentarily on the mouth. Then she got quickly away before her ambiance could poison him.

  Kandy hugged Ease, then kissed him so passionately that he started to wake. She quickly broke it
off lest he discover he was kissing a board. She knew that Astrid had made the suggestion not only to tease herself, but to give Kandy reason to do what she wanted to. They truly were friends.

  “We just have to hope that the Quest will solve our problems as well as save the puns,” Astrid said.

  “We do.”

  Pewter came over. “Ready for chess?”

  “Always.” Chess was her salvation from boredom.

  When morning came, Ease stretched and looked around. When he saw Astrid he paused. “I dreamed you kissed me,” he said.

  “Things are possible in dreams that may not be done awake, as we know,” Astrid said. “You may dream what you wish.”

  “Then my dream girl kissed me.” He shook his head. “Bleep! I wish she’d come to me in daylight.”

  “Then she wouldn’t be your dream girl.”

  “She’ll always be my dream girl! I love her.”

  Kandy loved hearing that, frustrating as it was.

  “I’m sure she loves you too, in her fashion. But it seems she is limited to your dreams.”

  Mitch and Tiara, who had no such problems, joined them. “I see there are pie plants and milkweeds here. The virus hasn’t found this spot yet.”

  “But it inevitably will, in time,” Pewter said. “If we don’t find the antidote.”

  They feasted on pun foods, then considered. “There seems to be nothing threatening here,” Mitch said. “That makes me suspicious.”

  “Justified,” Pewter said. “It probably means that we are not seeing the threat, and therefore not taking proper steps to deal with it.”

  “Like some dragon sneaking up on us?”

  “Astrid would have smelled it and backed it off.”

  “I would,” Astrid agreed. “There is no animal threat nearby, and I think no plant threat either.”

  “And it seems no virus threat,” Tiara said.

  “So why are we here?” Ease asked. “There’s been a reason for each Event so far. Did we draw a blank?”

  “That cloud,” Mitch said. “It is floating over the lake, not moving. That’s not normal. This is not the OuterNet Cloud Event.”

  Pewter scrutinized the cloud. “Let me check my data banks. Yes—that is no ordinary cloud. That is Fracto.”