“She wasn’t.” Though Megan had continued to keep Amanda’s journal to herself, she’d relayed bits and pieces of her life to Crystal along the way. “But I really don’t think there’s anything even she could do in this situation.”
Her sister chewed her lip for a moment, then stood. She peeked over the edge of the boat and turned to the captain. “Is it safe to snorkel here? Would we see anything?”
“Sure. Though we’re out a ways, it’s not as deep as you’d think.”
Crystal turned satisfied eyes on Megan. “Well?” She shoved her hands through the sleeves of her wetsuit. “Zip me up.”
Megan’s hands did as Crystal asked, but her spirit wasn’t in it. “I had my heart set on going to the island. Weren’t the pictures there gorgeous?”
Scooping up a pair of fins from the boat deck, Crystal tossed them at Megan. “Who’s to say that this very spot isn’t even more gorgeous?” She pulled a pair of flippers onto her own feet. “This is our only chance to snorkel the Great Barrier Reef, and it’s remote, just like you wanted. I know it’s not the destination we had in mind, but it’s where we’ve landed.”
Wow. Did Crystal even realize the deeper truth in her words?
Megan had never thought she’d be here, in Australia, fulfilling the bucket list of a girl whose life had been cut short. That she’d be the one to go on living despite her years of illness.
And yet, here she was. Why she’d been given this chance after years of denial, she didn’t know.
But she was done wasting it. Fear and uncertainty had no place in her life, not today.
“You’re right.” Megan put on her snorkeling gear. She held her finger against her throat, counted. Amanda’s heart beat strong, pumping blood in a steady flow.
Megan was ready.
Together, they climbed to the boat’s diving deck and sat down. The boat rocked in the gentle waves as the water lapped against their legs. What mysteries awaited them underwater?
They left the boat ledge. Megan kicked her feet, and the flippers helped her move with ease through the water. Her sister pointed down. Sticking the snorkel in her mouth, Megan lowered her face into the water. What she beheld made the heart within her chest skip a beat.
Colorful coral unraveled before her like bouquets of flowers in all shapes and sizes. Yellows and blues, purples and reds, each one bright like paint splattered artfully upon the canvas of an imaginative creator.
Anemones opened and closed, taking cues from the water.
Two sea turtles took their time getting wherever they were going, gliding along without a care in the world. One inclined its head toward Megan.
Crystal swam closer to the reef, and Megan followed. They moved together, pointing out puffer fish, angelfish, orange-and-white Nemos, and a whole host of species she’d never be able to name but would always remember.
A school of pink fish flitted in the currents, performing a graceful dance.
Crystal was right. It wasn’t the destination Megan had had in mind.
It was even better.
Chapter 16
8. Skinny-dip.
When we first moved to Minnesota, Mom thought we should make church a priority. So we did, for a little while. Gotta admit, as a ten-year-old fresh from the clutches of sexual abuse, I had a hard time singing songs about Jesus loving me and being strong and courageous when I knew a secret a lot of the kids around me didn’t: monsters are real.
One Sunday we heard the story of Adam and Eve, how they were “naked and unashamed” Of course, all the kids giggled when the teacher said the word naked. But I didn’t. I started trembling like a freak.
Ever since what happened, I’ve never been able to be naked in front of anyone, not even half-naked. In gym class, I’m one of those girls who changes in the bathroom stall. Then there was the party Cathi dragged me to last year, where all the cool kids skinny-dipped at the lake behind Manny Frederick’s house. I hightailed it outta there so fast . . .
Because skinny-dipping is the ultimate vulnerability. You strip off everything you’re wearing till it’s just your skin touching water. Your naked body becomes one with the waves. I imagine it’s frightening and freeing all at once.
So this bucket list item is, to me, one of the hardest to put on paper. Because I want so badly to reclaim my body.
To prove to myself that Uncle Joe didn’t win.
To be naked . . . and unashamed.
Chapter 17
July 3
Blog Post Title: Vulnerability at Its Finest: Greece
Post Content:
Today I did something I’ve never done before. And to be honest, I’m a little embarrassed to write about it . . .
Every muscle ached, but a deep satisfaction welled inside Megan.
She watched the waves break in the ocean beyond the shore of the Greek beach where she stood in the moonlight. Once so powerful, the water trailed along the beach, eventually lapping at her feet and then receding. It was surprisingly warm as it sloshed against her toes. Tiny grains of brilliant white sand coated her wet feet.
Everything else in the world may be in flux, but this, here, was constant. The tide would always come in, and then it would go out. The pull of the moon was too strong for it to do anything else.
“This is more beautiful than I’d ever have imagined it.” Megan whispered the words and the breeze tossed them outward.
“Yes, it is.” Behind her, where the water didn’t reach, Crystal plopped into the sand. As far as their eyes could see, they were alone on this secluded beach Megan had found in an Athens guide-book. “But you say that about everything, you know.”
A gentle laugh left Megan’s lips. She walked toward Crystal and sat beside her. “I guess I do.” She’d definitely said it about the Parthenon earlier today as they’d explored Athens. And the National Garden. And the whitewashed buildings with blue roofs, built into the hills like a modern-day kingdom. And yeah, maybe the Temple of Zeus too. She couldn’t help it. The history, the gorgeous setting, the fact that she was here, experiencing all of this—it was more beautiful than she’d ever imagined.
And the last few days since Australia, she’d felt closer to Crystal, even if it was one-sided. Yet things did feel easier between them. If it hadn’t been for her sister, she’d never have been brave enough to literally take the plunge and experience one of the most magical days of her life in Australia.
Crystal reclined in the sand, propping herself up on her elbows. Her gaze seemed to land to the far left, where the city lights could be seen twinkling in the distance. “This beach sure is romantic, isn’t it?”
The comment was so unlike Crystal, Megan nearly laughed. But from the handful of times Megan had seen Crystal and Brian together, they’d seemed deeply in love. She must miss him a lot. “It is.”
With a sweep of her hand, Crystal pushed sand aside, then moved it back into place. “Speaking of romantic, what’s up with you and Caleb? You guys text each other quite a bit.”
Megan wondered if her cheeks were as red as they felt, or if Crystal would be able to make out their color in the moonlight. “We’ve been talking more lately. He’s a travel photographer and has a lot of experience. It’s been nice to reconnect with him.”
Anytime she thought about him, the biggest grin would pop on her face and she couldn’t help but feel lighter inside. But she simply missed her friend. That was all. She wouldn’t make a bigger deal of it than that.
“I’ll bet it has.”
“Stop it.” Megan flicked sand toward Crystal at her sister’s singsong tone.
“Is he traveling right now?”
She nodded, thinking of their latest e-mail exchange. “He’s in Denmark.”
“Why don’t you see if he can meet up with us along the way?”
“I doubt he’d have time.”
But if he did . . . What would it be like to see him again? It had only been a little over a month since she’d seen him at the fund-raiser, when he caught her off gua
rd with his handsome looks and the way his smile had made her feel deliciously warm inside.
Was it really possible? Did she have a crush on Caleb Watkins?
Megan closed her eyes and breathed in the scent of the sea, a salty balm laced with the freshness of lemon. The roar of the ocean beckoned her. What had once been an unfamiliar stranger now called to her like a trusted friend. She opened her eyes and stood. “Let’s wade in.”
“Changing the subject?”
Ignoring her, Megan walked toward the ocean with purpose. As soon as her feet hit the wet sand, she tingled with anticipation. She would wade in only for a moment.
“You’re going to get your jeans wet.”
“Who cares?” The water rose to Megan’s calves and hit the bottom of her rolled jeans. As the wave left her, the material clung to her skin. She walked farther, this time soaking midway up her thighs. Something urged her to go deeper, but this was far enough. Megan turned and headed back to her sister, who stood on the beach with her hands on her hips. As she walked, the jeans rubbed against her inner thighs, chafing the tender skin.
“What in the world are you doing?” Crystal’s look of utter bewilderment made Megan burst into laughter. What was she doing? She didn’t have a clue. She only knew that some part of her wanted to fling off everything that hindered her—her past, the expectations of everyone she knew, the constant worry that her health would relapse.
The fear of what would happen if she asked Caleb to meet up with her.
And then, like a spark, an idea lit inside of her.
“What’s that look for?” Crystal’s hands moved from her sides to cross the front of her body.
“An item on the list.” One that had given her a bout of anxiety when she’d first read it but couldn’t imagine doing anywhere else. “We can check it off right now.” Megan’s hands shook as she unbuttoned her jeans.
“What item? I thought we already did everything for Athens.” Crystal looked at her like she was crazy as Megan peeled off the wet jeans, exposing her damp legs to the breeze.
“We did.” With a quick glance around to confirm they were alone, Megan pulled off her sweater and flung it to the ground. “But this one didn’t have an exact location.”
“Put your pants back on.”
Her sister’s hiss hopped around her. She looked so flustered. Megan couldn’t help the giggle that rose in her throat.
“I can’t. The list calls for skinny-dipping.”
“What? You’re crazy.” Crystal’s head shot back and forth. “You could get arrested or something.”
“There’s no one here.” With every layer of clothing that left her body, a new sort of lightness came over her. A bird squawked in the distance as Megan lifted her shirt over her head, revealing her scar. For a moment she stared down at it. And even though no one but her and Crystal could see it, letting it out in the open felt like a victory of some sort. “Come on.”
“You want me to go with you? Uh-uh. You can be crazy on your own.”
“Have you never skinny-dipped before?” Now it was Megan’s turn to fold her arms across her chest.
An eye roll from Crystal met Megan’s comment. “Sure, when I was young and dumb.”
A sudden burst of nostalgia made Megan almost cold. “We never got a chance to be young and dumb together.” She’d been too sick. “How about it? Please?”
For a few moments she thought her sister was going to say no. But then, without a word, Crystal began to undress until she and Megan were a matching pair. Megan held out her hand and Crystal pressed her palm in, wrapping her fingers around her twin’s. They headed toward the ocean, each step growing more urgent. Megan threw a glance at her sister, whose lips were set in a determined line.
And suddenly they were no longer thirty-two but eight years old, running and laughing their way into the Atlantic Ocean during the last family trip before Megan’s diagnosis. Instead of skinny-dipping, they wore matching striped one-piece swimsuits. Back then, everything they wore matched. They’d held hands all the way into the ocean, the cold water slapping their legs and identical small bodies, making them shriek with delight. And even when the waves came, they held fast to each other, never letting go.
This time there were no shrieks of delight, and the water was warm. It encased Megan, hugging her naked torso. Since they were alone, they didn’t go beyond where they could stand. They were quiet as they bobbed with the coming waves. So quiet.
Crystal dropped Megan’s hand.
What had happened to them? How had they gone from two copies of each other to total opposites who never spoke about anything real? When had the chasm between them become so vast? Was it Megan’s fault for being so focused on herself while she was sick? Or Crystal’s for walking away?
And was there any hope of real repair, or would they live in this constant limbo forever?
“I was just thinking about our trip to Florida for our eighth birthday.” Megan plunged her hands through the water, creating her own waves. “Remember how we went to Disney World and then to the beach? It was the perfect vacation.”
Though it was dark, Megan could see a glint of something in Crystal’s expression—longing, maybe? Her sister shifted her gaze to the moon, that glowing source of raw power. But just as quickly, she turned her body toward shore. “We’d better get back. I need to check my e-mail.”
The little girl inside Megan cried as her sister left her behind once again.
Chapter 18
The Roman Colosseum was constructed using travertine stone blocks taken from quarries near Tivoli. They were carted to Rome via a wide pathway designed specifically for that purpose.”
Crystal rubbed her nose as she listened to their British tour guide, Liam, a young hipster with thick-rimmed glasses and a goatee.
They’d already toured the Colosseum’s underground passageways, and now they stood in the shadow of the towering wall above them, all one hundred fifty-seven feet of it. Clouds mostly obscured the sun, casting mystery over the day. Though Megan stood next to her and about twenty fellow English-speakers surrounded her, she felt almost alone in this vast structure that was built to house fifty thousand spectators.
Of course, feeling alone was her own fault. Why did she keep pushing away the people in her life she loved the most? Mom and Dad. Brian. Megan.
Liam slid his glasses farther up his nose. “There are four levels of seating and eighty entrances, though four of those entrances were restricted to the emperor, his household, and other members of high Roman society.”
They stood at the bottom of the Colosseum, where countless gladiators had waited at one time to fight. Crystal’s gaze skimmed the walls, crumbling in places but still strong. This structure had endured the test of time for nearly two thousand years. Its strength pulsed beneath her feet, and she could almost feel the vibration of history.
She nudged Megan with an elbow. “Can you believe this place?” Crystal kept her voice low so as not to interrupt the tour guide.
Megan’s eyes stay focused forward. She nodded, acknowledging her but not. No smile, nothing. She’d been quiet all day yesterday as they traveled to Italy—probably upset that Crystal hadn’t jumped into the Aegean Sea with both feet. Yes, it hadn’t been bad, had almost been fun. But then Megan had to go and bring up their eighth birthday. It was the last piece of normal that Crystal could ever remember having in their family. And she hadn’t been able to allow herself to dredge up the memories.
What was wrong with her? She’d come here to repair things, but at every turn she seemed to be making a royal mess of them instead. She needed to be stronger. But every time she tried to meditate on the “strength within”—something her yoga instructor back home always harped on—she couldn’t seem to find it.
“As many of you probably know, the amphitheater was used for several events and exhibitions, primarily gladiatorial games where opponents would fight to the death.” The tour guide led them down a long path that ran the length of the grou
nd level. “Some of these games included animals such as lions that gladiators would have to kill if they wanted to survive.”
Crystal shuddered.
Megan raised her hand. Liam’s murky brown eyes lit with interest. “Miss?”
“Didn’t the games also include martyrs?”
He stroked his goatee. “That has not been proven, though Pope Benedict XIV endorsed that view in 1749, when he declared the Colosseum sanctified by the blood of Christian martyrs. However, there is evidence of such martyrs at an arena in what is now Lyon, France.”
Murmurs from the crowd rose. Liam spouted off several more facts, then checked his watch. “That concludes our tour of the Colosseum. My next tour does not begin for another ten minutes, so if you have any more questions, I’d be happy to answer them.”
The crowd dispersed a few people at a time, some asking the guide to take pictures for them, others retracing their steps to study parts of the structure in more depth.
Megan tapped her on the shoulder. “I need to hit the restroom. Do you want to come or should I just meet you back here?”
“I’ll wait here.” She had no desire to leave yet.
Megan nodded and walked toward the front entrance.
Crystal rotated slowly, taking in the entirety of the structure, far larger and grander than anything she’d ever designed. And while she liked to think she left her own personal signature all over her designs, would any of her buildings be around in two thousand years?
Would the James Lawrence building become something great? Would it change lives for years to come? Maybe, but she wouldn’t have anything to do with it if she didn’t come up with a killer design—and soon. Tony had rejected her latest proposal draft and informed her that Meredith’s was coming together nicely.
Why was she such a colossal failure despite all her attempts to the contrary?
“It’s an impressive sight, isn’t it?” Liam stood next to her, hands stuck in the back pockets of his skinny jeans.
The Heart Between Us Page 13
