The Tragical Tale of Birdie Bloom

by Temre Beltz

  Dedication

  For Jerad, Ellie, and Violet

  Map

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Map

  Prologue

  OneUnhappy Birthday

  TwoA Book Worth Saving

  ThreeSomething’s Buzzing

  FourThe Worst Mail Day

  FiveWhen It Rains, It Pours

  SixSomething to Chew On

  SevenA Witchy House Call

  EightA Triumphant and a Rat

  NineThe Oldest Tragical of All

  TenImpossible Customer Service

  ElevenEight-Legged Wonders

  TwelveThe Healing of a Boy

  ThirteenA Bothersome Jar of Peanut Butter

  FourteenA Terrible Choice

  FifteenWorse than Wild Hogs

  SixteenA Rotten Twist

  SeventeenA Magical Cloak and a Foul Secret

  EighteenCome One, Come All to the Annual Witches’ Ball!

  NineteenDown in the Bog

  TwentyWhen Everything Falls Apart at the Bristles

  Twenty-OneAn Extraordinary Explosion of Glitter

  Twenty-TwoSomething’s Brewing on Tragic Mountain

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Prologue

  Hello.1

  You, perhaps, are wondering if you have made the wrong choice. But wait! Don’t put me back!2

  I do not think our meeting is by accident. Indeed, books pride themselves on being found by the right reader at the right time. I am certain that reader is you. As such, before we proceed even a sentence further, I urge you to hold tightly to me.

  There are two reasons for my request.

  First, you may have noticed my front cover. Surely you have heard the old saying that you should never judge a book by its cover? In my case, that’s entirely true. And though I’m not exactly proud of telling a fib from the get-go, I had to. Otherwise, I never could have traveled from a kingdom as far away as Wanderly. So here’s the fib: this story is not really a tragical one. In fact, it’s quite the opposite of that. And that’s what makes it so grand . . . but also a bit dangerous. You see, where I come from, there are some people—people in very important positions, no less—who want to pretend that stories like me don’t exist.

  The second reason you must keep a tight grip on me is because there are several scary parts (you didn’t already forget about the witch, did you?). Although it is quite tempting to toss one’s book into the air out of sheer fright, it is far better to stick together.

  So how about we give it a go? There’s no need to be shy. Books were made to be held tightly.

  Ah yes. You’re a natural!

  Now that we are properly situated, let us pop into the haunted cabin of one known as Agnes Prunella Crunch. Today is a special—No, awful . . . No, special . . . Oh bother! I suppose I shall let you decide for yourself precisely what type of day Agnes is having. . . .

  One

  Unhappy Birthday

  Witches aren’t the celebrating sort.

  But birthdays, as you well know, are different.

  Not even a witch forgets her birthday.

  And so, on September 5, as she had been doing for seventy or eighty or who really knows how many years, Agnes Prunella Crunch settled into her familiar rocking chair. She pulled the rickety table with the oozing slice of mud pie on it a bit closer.3 She scratched her favorite wart at the tip of her exceptionally large nose. She kicked off her smelly, striped socks and wriggled her bony toes in front of the cauldron that emitted a puff of green smoke every now and again.

  It was time.

  Oh yes. Agnes nodded. It was time.

  Agnes tilted in her rocking chair. Agnes tilted so far she might have tipped right out had she not spent years teaching her rocking chair to float. She wrapped her fingers around the cover of a ginormous book and hoisted the book up off the floor and onto the squishy lump of her belly with a soft grunt. She eyeballed the cover. It gleamed back.

  The Book of Evil Deeds, it hissed.

  At least that’s what it would have done if Agnes or any other witch worth her salt had written it.4 In fact, if it had been Agnes, she would have thrown in a few additional perks like a front cover nasty enough to chomp off whole fingertips when properly slammed, or pages guaranteed to deliver paper cuts every single time. Imagine that!

  But as the only book in all of Wanderly written just for witches, Agnes considered it better than nothing. And it did say “evil” on the front cover, which practically guaranteed that even if the other 2,793 pages had been filled with spells ranging from the embarrassingly easy (how to light your cauldron without a match) to the utterly useless (how to polish your witchy boots in a snap), the last spell, the final spell, simply had to deliver.

  Especially on, of all days, Agnes’s birthday.

  Agnes wriggled her fingers; she squiggled her nose; she inhaled a deep, raspy breath. She turned the page and . . . her floating rocking chair crashed down against the dusty floorboards with a jarring thud. Her eyes darted back and forth across the scrawling script. She began clawing at the bottom corner of the page to see if another page had become stuck, and perhaps this wasn’t really the last page after all?

  But it was.

  And it contained one measly spell.

  One measly, awful spell titled “How to Transform Your Hair to Slime Green.”

  Hair?! The last page of The Book of Evil Deeds was reserved for a hairstyle? Day in and day out, week after week, year after year, Agnes had dutifully completed thousands of banal spells to arrive at nothing more than a hairstyle?

  Agnes didn’t need a new hairstyle! Over the years, she had honed her ratty strands to a nearly perfect shade of purple and didn’t see any good reason to change it. Not to mention slime green was last popular over a century ago. What Agnes really needed—what Agnes wanted more than anything—was to find some way to make witching fun again!

  It is a terrible thing to feel that one has wasted years. It is a more terrible thing to feel that one hasn’t any plan for the days to come. So, Agnes did what any respectably infuriated witch would do: she slammed The Book of Evil Deeds shut. She growled at it. She tossed it down toward her witchy foot and gave it a sharp, swift kick.

  At well over two thousand pages long, however, the book kicked back.5 Even worse, as it careened off Agnes’s now throbbing big toe and boomeranged about the room, it finally landed—squish!—atop Agnes’s mud pie.

  Agnes’s birthday was going from bad to cursed!

  Oh sure, there had been a few bright spots, like that morning’s visit to Fairy Fifi’s Woodland Boutique, where Agnes enchanted the entire stock of ball gowns to dance the ogre’s shuffle instead of the waltz, but even that wasn’t what it used to be. It was a perfectly evil curse. It should have been glorious! It should have been thrilling! Fairy Fifi’s resulting scream had been a record-breaking eleven! But all Agnes felt was utterly and completely . . . bored.

  At this point you may be jumping up and down in your seat, wondering why Agnes doesn’t just try something new? Perhaps apply those top-notch potion-making skills to becoming a scientist. Maybe adapt those impressive broomstick acrobatics to life as a trapeze artist. Or do something completely wild like become a schoolteacher. This would be the perfect sort of advice if Agnes hadn’t happened to live in the kingdom of Wanderly.

  In the kingdom of Wanderly, stories ruled all, and the citizens were required to live “by the book.” You tell me how many witches you’ve seen waltz through a storybook in a frilly pink dress while
humming a merry tune with a bunny rabbit underfoot? Considering Agnes would rather eat her smelly sock than do any of those things, that doesn’t seem significant, but it was. Very much so. Because Agnes wasn’t supposed to do anything other than what some storybook witch had already done. But what if not all witches were the same? What if Agnes were different? What if Agnes had an idea that no storybook witch ever had? Whether by accident or by calculated avoidance, those were the sorts of questions the Chancellor never bothered to answer.

  Which meant Agnes was stuck.

  Stuck on a rotten birthday, in a haunted cabin, all alone.

  To be fair, the haunted part wasn’t all that bad. Yes, the shelves on the walls sagged with jars full of hopelessly witchy things: rolling eyeballs, venomous snake fangs, and frog legs that still twitched. Yes, the ceiling was enchanted so that, no matter what time of day, it looked to be the unsettling hour of just past midnight, and, okay, fine, the black cauldron that bubbled endlessly over the hearth was guilty of throwing out a sharp crackle of lightning and a deep rumble of thunder from time to time. Still, somehow, Agnes’s cabin oozed with its own sort of coziness.

  Coziness, however, couldn’t answer prickly questions. Coziness couldn’t dole out appropriately wicked advice. Coziness couldn’t solve the fact that Agnes didn’t have anyone to talk to. Of course, Agnes didn’t want another witch’s company for some sappy, chatty-chat sort of reason. Blech! Agnes just wanted to find out if there were any other witches who were similarly stuck. If there were any other witches who had fallen into a bit of a slump. If there was some easy fix Agnes just hadn’t thought of yet.

  But that was never going to happen for the simple fact that in Wanderly—unless for the purposes of hissing, cursing, or plotting—witches didn’t talk to one another. Ever.

  Indeed, it was one of the ten governing provisions of the Witches’ Manifesto that all witches were bound to. Lately, Agnes found herself wishing she’d never signed the thing, but when it was presented decades ago, the provisions had seemed ridiculously straightforward.6 The brand-spanking-new cauldron and year’s worth of bewitching dust the Chancellor tossed in as a signing bonus hadn’t hurt, either.

  But how to get around that aggravating rule now?

  Agnes narrowed her eyes.

  She thought.

  She thought harder.

  At long last, her nose hairs prickled. Agnes’s nose hairs always prickled when she had a deliciously clever idea, because Agnes could find the help she needed without uttering a single, audible, punishable word. Agnes didn’t have to talk to anyone. Instead, Agnes could write a letter.

  Agnes’s cauldron bubbled to attention. It spit out a jagged piece of parchment and a quill. Agnes brandished the quill and stabbed it into the paper in erratic, jerky strokes. For once, Agnes wasn’t intending to be terrifying; she was just rusty. Other than those few occasions where a potion required an annoyingly specific list of ingredients—too many to hold in her witchy head while slinking through the Dead Tree Forest—she hadn’t much reason to ever set pen to paper.

  Agnes had forgotten how much she disliked the business of writing. Writing was slow; writing forced her to think about her words rather than letting them fly forth, delightfully sharp edges and all. After what seemed like ages, Agnes threw her quill to the floor and held the finished letter—her letter—high in the air. She checked it over, which took approximately three seconds. This is what Agnes’s letter said:

  Hello. Have you finished The Book? NOW WHAT?

  Ms. Crunch

  If you are thinking this is a woefully short letter, you are right. Still, it was likely more than any other witch had ever written before. Not to mention, in the kingdom of Wanderly, the power of words—even a very, very few—could simply never be underestimated.

  Agnes sealed the letter shut. She snuck a look around her haunted cabin. The daddy longlegs in the corner blinked at her. The fly buzzing noisily about froze in midair. The jar of various creaturely eyeballs rolled in her direction. Everything was watching her. Gawking at her. As if to say in one collective, hushed voice, Are you really going to do it?

  “Of course, I am, you ninnies!” Agnes crowed.

  And she tore the letter up into itty-bitty pieces.7 She lifted the pieces onto the palm of her grimy hand. She closed her eyes and envisioned a terribly old crotchety witch, the sort of witch who might have had time to finish The Book of Evil Deeds and cook up a plan B after discovering the book’s dastardly uselessness.

  Agnes warmed her breath over the letter’s pieces. They rose from her hand—up, up, and away! They whirled and twirled and spun! They headed straight toward the chimney where, to Agnes’s great surprise—and before she could execute even a half twirl of her crooked finger—the pieces were promptly swept into the black night . . . not by her own magic, but by a big whooshing gust.

  Agnes frowned.

  She dashed toward the chimney. She knocked her bubbling cauldron aside so that bits of green goo sloshed to and fro. She hiked up her skirts and thrust her whole head through the opening. She drew in a sharp breath. It was not a wayward traveler come to ruin her day. It was not even an unlucky bit of foul weather. It was none other than the Winds of Wanderly.

  The Winds of Wanderly were no ordinary winds.

  Agnes had heard stories about the Winds of Wanderly. Hushed stories. Secret stories. Stories that seemed like poppycock, if you asked Agnes. If the Winds had something as fantastic as hands, why would they use them to unlock doors and set the Chancellor’s woebegone prisoners free? If the Winds had an achingly beautiful voice, why would they dive deep into a shadowy forest to call a single, shivering child home? If the Winds were really that remarkable, why would they dabble in the lives of Wanderly’s citizens at all? Regardless, none of that mattered much to Agnes. Because of all the very many stories floating about, not one of them had ever once involved a witch.

  The Winds of Wanderly couldn’t want anything to do with her.

  But where were they taking her letter?

  Agnes tried to appear nonchalant. Though the hairs were standing up on the back of her neck, she plunked down into her familiar rocking chair. She forced her gnarled thumbs to twiddle as if she hadn’t anything better to do.

  Still, she listened.

  She listened as the Winds of Wanderly continued to race around outside her cabin. She listened as the windows rattled and the rusted metal knob on her door twisted back and forth, back and forth, almost like the Winds wanted to come inside for a spell. She listened as the brittle leaves of the Dead Tree Forest rose up and clattered all about as if there were perhaps a bit of life in them after all.

  And as the witch sat, she did something she hadn’t occasion to do in a long, long time. On that night, the witch wondered.

  Two

  A Book Worth Saving

  Far, far away from Agnes, inside an impossibly dark house perched atop a skinny, crooked mountain and surrounded on three sides by the gnashing waves of the Black Sea, a young girl stood in a line of seventeen other children.

  Her name was Birdie Bloom.

  Her knees were trembling.

  She was hiding a book beneath the somber fabric of her black gown.

  Let me repeat, she was hiding a book beneath the somber fabric of her black gown.

  As I was saying, SHE WAS HIDING A—

  Oh bother, it’s no wonder you have such a blank stare on your face. You are a reader. You are likely never caught without a book. At bedtime, you may even sneak extra chapters of books after your parents have told you to turn off the light (don’t worry, I’d never dream of telling). But the children who lived at Foulweather’s Home for the Tragical did not feel the same way. In fact, the children at Foulweather’s Home for the Tragical hated books.

  You would too if you happened to be the bad ending.

  And that is what the children were: nothing more than a house full of bad endings. The Chancellor called them “Tragicals.”

  While every other citizen
in Wanderly dutifully modeled their lives off the books they read, being careful to avoid dark woods and sinister folks draped in cloaks, for the Tragicals, it was simply no use. In not one single book in Wanderly had a Tragical ever escaped; ever triumphed; or ever outwitted, outrun, or outlasted a villain. For a Tragical, every book always ended the exact same way: badly.

  Even still, Birdie was hiding a book. Not because Birdie liked to be scared out of her wits, contemplating what villainous sort might one day sneak up on her (witches were the absolute worst when it came to sneaking up on people), but because the book she had was different.

  She had stumbled across the book just that morning on a routine round of kitchen duty. She had thrust her hand into the butler’s kitchen cupboard, expecting to find nothing more than a weary sack of flour, when she suddenly tipped forward and her hand wrapped around the book’s spine. At Foulweather’s Home for the Tragical, books were never tossed about willy-nilly; they always remained in an unwavering and upright position on the library shelves.

  But Birdie had discovered a misfit.

  A misfit book, nonetheless.

  With no one at all to peek over her shoulder, she had been unable to resist cracking the front cover and had made three astonishing discoveries.

  First, the book lacked the Chancellor’s official seal of authorization. Birdie had never encountered a book without the Chancellor’s official seal of authorization. Second, the book wasn’t finished. It had no end. In the kingdom of Wanderly, where endings were deemed as certain as beginnings, Birdie had never even known such a thing could exist. Finally, as early as page three, the book spoke of something Birdie had never heard of before. It called this something friendship. The idea itself seemed so lovely and so wonderful Birdie might not have paid it any attention at all, except it happened to a girl who was terribly poor and terribly alone. A girl who sounded quite tragical. A girl who sounded just like Birdie.