by Joy Eileen
Hope flared in my heart. Maybe I could be with Kill after all. But it died quickly, like a firework on the Fourth of July. “No, you did the right thing. I'll be out of here tomorrow, just as soon as I graduate. I don’t know if he would even forgive me for lying to him. I need to think about what I want to do next. Thanks for the warning. I'll see you tonight.”
We hung up, and I stared at my darkened phone. He hadn’t stayed to pursue his dream. Even after I’d shattered his heart he’d still chosen me.
I hoped they would get another deal quickly. They were too talented not to. Hell, during our last conversation, Kill had told me D made all sorts of new contacts while they were out on tour before I’d told him the lie of all lies. They should have stayed.
Knowing Kill was less than five miles away from me was a new type of torture. My body physically hurt at his closeness. It took great effort to push my misery away.
I went into the kitchen and distracted myself by making a potpie. Unfortunately, it didn’t take as much time as I thought it would. Desperate, I looked up dessert recipes online until I found a complicated one I had all of the ingredients for. I followed the directions to painstaking perfection and was extremely pleased by how it turned out.
While I waited for Ryan, I made the decision to write the second half of my book. My goal was to have enough writing done I wouldn't be stuck working in the biology lab long. The outcome of my life may have been unknown, but I was happy to take control of Hope's life. I wanted to make hers perfect.
As I wrote the scene in which Hope walked into the bar and made eye contact with the lead singer, Skull, of the bar band Skull Fracture tears ran down my cheeks.
Writing about Kill and all of the other misfits who’d burrowed into my heart and become my family was bittersweet. When I described Skull, I went into intricate detail, wanting to capture the beauty I’d seen in Kill the first time I laid eyes on him.
I’d almost finished writing about the first night I’d met Kill when Ryan opened the door. After saving my work, I walked into the kitchen to greet her. When she opened the fridge door and saw the dessert I’d crafted, her eyes grew wide.
“Holy shit, Faith. Are you sure you don’t want to move in? This looks amazing. Can we skip dinner and go straight for dessert?” The puppy dog eyes she threw at me before turning back to stare at the sugary treat made me laugh.
“No, I made a chicken potpie too. Now, be a good girl and eat your dinner...and then you can have dessert.”
She busted out laughing when I attempted to give her a stern look. “You're lucky I love chicken potpie, or I’d steal this and run into my room, lock the door, and not open it until I devoured the whole thing.”
“You wouldn’t,” I said, shutting the fridge door in mock horror.
“Are you really questioning me?” she asked, leaning against the fridge with a defiant look.
“Let’s eat, and I promise to give you the bigger half.”
“Deal.”
We scarfed down dinner, and then started on dessert. Not bothering with plates, we took the decadent chocolate cake into the living room and demolished the whole thing.
“Damn, chickie. I think I just gained twenty pounds in one sitting.”
“I hope I can fit into my cap and gown tomorrow,” I said, stretching out on the floor with a pillow behind my head.
We lay on the floor digesting, both of us attempting to pull out of our food coma by watching bad TV. We avoided the topic of Kill and Matt at all costs.
I woke up to the sound of Ryan snoring next to me. Nudging her awake, I said goodnight and told her I was going to bed. She didn't have as much energy as I did and ended up crawling onto the couch.
After setting my alarm, I fell into bed. My head produced Kill’s face as soon as I closed my eyes. Instead of pushing it away immediately I permitted myself to get caught up in him. I fell asleep with his face as the last thing on my mind.
When my alarm screeched the next morning, I contemplated throwing it across the room. Reminding myself today was the day I would be leaving Portland was the motivation I needed to heave myself out of bed. I packed everything I had used in the past two days and loaded my car. As soon as graduation was over, I would get on the road, wanting to put as much distance between Kill and me as possible.
My dad and Martha rented a car, so I would ride with them to the graduation ceremony. I wanted everything ready for a quick escape. With all my stuff packed, I took a shower and joined Ryan in the living room for a cup of coffee. I lounged in my robe not wanting to change until it was time.
When I heard a car pull up, I ran outside to give my dad and Martha a hug. My dad ushered me back in the house, scanning the neighborhood to make sure nobody had gotten a glimpse of his daughter in her robe.
I cooked a huge breakfast, and we talked and laughed as we ate. We avoided the subject of Kill and the boys entirely—the only reason I was able to stomach the food. Martha caught my eye and winked. I smiled back at her, knowing she’d reigned my dad in on the subject.
My dad and Martha sat on the couch with Ryan while I got ready. I’d had appointments earlier in the week to get my toes and hair done. I’d wanted to look my best when Kill came home. I flipped off my painted toenails along with my equally manicured fingernails.
My hair was in big curls I let fall down my back, and I vowed I would leave it down—at least until after the ceremony. I accented my eyes by applying a thick layer of mascara. Hoping it might subconsciously keep me from crying. I wore a dark-navy sailor dress and paired it with blue high heels adorned with little sailboats.
When I was ready, I stepped out carrying my cap and gown in its bag. My dad saw me first and started blinking back tears.
“Dad, don’t,” I ordered, panicking as I ran over to him.
“Eugene you're going to make her ruin her makeup if you start blubbering. So, pull it together.” I kissed Martha on the cheek for her reprimand. She understood that if my dad started crying, I’d be next. He cleared his throat, banishing tears from his eyes and hugged me tightly.
“I'm so proud of you. I know we always said it was you and me against the world, but I always knew you could take on the world without me. You're the strongest person I know. I'm proud to call you my daughter.”
I held my breath as the tears stung my eyes. Miraculously they didn't fall. “Thank you, Daddy. It is us against the world—with a few amazing extensions. I wouldn't want to do it on my own.” We were both struggling to get our emotions in check.
“Alright, enough of this. Let’s get this show on the road,” Martha said, breaking into our moment.
She winked at me, and I grabbed her, hugging her tight. “Thank you so much for everything. I love you. I'm so glad you're in my family.”
“Damn it, Faith,” she yelled as tears began to stream down her face.
“I’m sorry,” I said, laughing as she tried to staunch the flow of tears before it wreaked havoc on her makeup.
We piled into the rental. Ryan took her own car, since she’d have to go straight to Ray’s afterward. When we parked at the ceremony, I didn’t move to get out.
Martha glanced at me in the backseat. “It's going to be alright. If you don’t want to do this, then I'll have your dad turn this car around, and we'll get the hell out of here.”
I wasn't sure why, but her words were exactly what I needed to hear. With new resolve, I exited the car. Martha and my dad followed.
She put her arm around my shoulders and kissed me on the cheek. “Good girl. You can do this.”
We parted ways so they could go find their seats while I lined up with the rest of my class. As I was securing my cap to my hair, a tiny hand grabbed my arm and spun me around.
“I can’t believe you told him you were getting back together with Jason. What did you want to do, rip his heart out? Even though it was a lie, it was still a cruel thing to do.” I’d never seen Amy so angry. She was so mad, her mouth was devoid of candy.
My h
eart shattered, but I refused to feel the pain. “Amy he was willing to throw away, not only his chance, but the whole band’s because of me. I couldn’t have him resent me later in life when he started to regret not taking the offer. He should have stayed where they were and made more connections. It made no sense why he would leave it all to come back here just because he was mad at who got him started.”
Amy smacked me on the forearm, and damn it if it didn’t sting. “You're an idiot. It was a fucking shit deal, and the boys knew something better was going to come along. If you’d answered your phone or listened to Kill before you decided to tell him those awful lies, you would’ve known. But, no. You wanted to play the martyr. Kill loves you Faith, and you need to fix this. I saw firsthand how people reacted to them onstage. Their deal will happen. Even back in Portland it will happen. How can you not believe that? You need to make this right. He is here, and you need to fix this.” She gave me a steely look, before lining up so she could march outside with the rest of our class. I moved into position as well, using the person in front of me to guide me as to how fast I should walk or when to sit. My body turned on autopilot after Amy's words.
The whole ceremony was a blur. I didn’t remember getting up and getting my diploma, unsure whether I’d shaken the dean’s hand or not. All I kept thinking about was Kill, and whether there might be a chance I could make everything right between us. I should’ve let him explain. When he’d told me he was coming back home without a deal, all I could think about was them losing their chance at getting everything they deserved. But it hadn’t all been selflessness; half had been self-preservation. I’d known when he found out the reason why Jason's dad was involved in the first place, there was a possibility he would break up with me.
After the ceremony, I spotted Jessie and her family. She noticed me and gave me the cold shoulder, halting my approach to her. Amy was surrounded by her parents with Jet plastered against her side. I couldn’t help but laugh at the shocked expressions on her parents’ faces when Jet talked to them. I ducked around, not wanting them to notice me. At least not until I’d had a chance to talk to Kill.
I wasn’t sure what I would say to him, or if it would even matter. But I knew I needed to set some things straight with him. While I was searching for Kill, Trent’s parents caught up to me. I let out a sigh of relief when I noticed Trent wasn’t with them.
My dad and Martha found me while I was trying to escape. The whole time Trent's parents were holding me up, I could feel my opportunity to talk to Kill dwindling away. I gave Martha a pleading look, begging her to get rid of Trent's parents, who seemed to be under the impression that Trent and I were more than just friends. Every time I tried to correct them, they bulldozed over me, explaining how happy they were that their son was following in their footsteps by finding his soulmate during his college years as they had.
Martha, the angel that she was, gave me the perfect excuse to get away, telling Trent's talkative parents she might’ve left her sweater on the chair she’d been sitting in. My dad shot Martha a puzzled look, but thankfully, he kept his mouth shut when I excused myself to search for the non-existent sweater.
I passed Trent as I was walking away from his parents. The predatory gleam he gave me scared me enough to drop my head down, speeding off as fast as I could until I knew I was far away. After seeing the possessive look he gave me, it wasn't hard to understand why his parents had misinterpreted our relationship.
I searched all over the building, bouncing from group to group in search of Kill. Frantic at the thought of missing him, I devised a plan to steal the rental car so I could drive over to his house. Before I could search the internet and learn how to hotwire a car, my eyes connected with Kill's retreating form heading toward the parking lot. My throat now housed my heart at the sight of him. I took a moment to drink him in, but quickly snapped out of it and sprinted toward him.
I screamed his name as he continued walking away from me, his strides long and determined. He flinched after his name escaped my lips, but he didn’t stop. My legs ran faster, catching up to him just before he reached his car. I took hold of his arm, forcing him to turn around in the car filled parking lot. We were alone at the moment as everyone was inside talking to their new graduate.
His sunglasses hid his eyes from me. The only indication of his mood was the tick in his jaw, pulsing double-time. I stared in awe, not realizing how much I’d missed his face until I was near him again. Being this close after so long made me feel whole. I’d been an idiot to ever think I could stay away.
“Killer,” I whispered, stepping closer until our chests were almost touching.
He stepped back from me so quickly that I stumbled. “Get the fuck away from me, Faith,” he seethed before turning around, slamming the car door, and burning rubber out of the parking lot.
I stared blindly at the spot his car had been parked in just minutes before and tried to figure out what had just happened. A familiar hand squeezed my shoulder. I leaned my cheek into my dad’s strength, siphoning some of the power he offered, since at the moment, I was completely void of any.
“Do you want to get something to eat?” he asked.
“No, I just want to go home.”
My dad pulled me into a hug, and I grasped at him hard. We stayed locked together for a long time before I finally let go. On the way back to Ryan’s house, my dad made sure I had the route programmed into my GPS, since I’d be driving home alone.
Wrapping both my dad and Martha in a hug, I told them how much I loved them. Their plane flew out the next day, and I needed them to know how much I appreciated them.
As I pulled out of the driveway, I called Ryan. After giving her a quick rundown of what had occurred, I thanked her for everything she’d done for me and hung up.
When I hit the interstate, I turned my music all the way up. I wanted to drown out the memory of Kill’s face when he’d told me to fuck off. Everyone kept saying he knew I was lying about Jason, obviously they were wrong. The hurt and anger in his voice was strong as he cursed at me. Kill was one of the sweetest people I had ever met, his lashing out was unlike him. The only time I saw him act like he had was when he thought his family was being wronged, or his heart was in danger. Kill would have never talked to me like that unless he truly felt I had broken his heart.
Realizing the music itself wasn't working, I began to sing at the top of my lungs, not caring what the people sharing the road with me thought.
Seven hours later, I pulled into the parking lot of the hotel. My voice was hoarse, and a new type of exhaustion had developed inside my bones. After I checked in, I sent a quick text to my dad and Ryan letting them know I’d made it to my halfway point safely.
In the room, I took a hot bath. I let the water wash away the last three days, needing to move on with the next chapter of my life. Climbing out of the tub after many refills and hours later, I curled into my robe and ordered room service, calling the front desk to arrange for a late checkout as I settled onto the bed.
CHAPTER 30
It was almost noon when I emerged from dreamland. Not bothering to put on makeup after my shower, I threw my hair into a wet bun at the top of my head. After a quick lunch, I started the last half of my drive.
My dad and Martha were already home when I pulled up. They both came out to help me unload, securing me into my new life.
We were too tired to cook and ended up ordering pizza. Martha didn’t let my dad eat junk food often, so he was acting like a kid when it arrived.
After dinner, I went for a run. I missed the mountain air and needed to get rid of the pent-up energy from being trapped in the car for so long. When I got back, Martha handed me the information about the job she’d set me up with.
I reminded myself it was only for a year or less while I tried to break my way into the publishing world.
Too heartsick to unpack and too wound up to attempt sleep. I decided to torture myself by writing more of Hope and Skull's story. Now more than
ever, I wanted to create their happily ever after. One of us deserved it.
The next three weeks went by at a tortuously slow pace. My days could only be described as monotonous.
I landed the job at the lab and worked five days a week, processing lab results for the hospital. Afterwards, I’d go home and hang out with my dad and Martha, if they happened to be home. Sadly, they had more of a social life than I did. They invited me along, but I didn't want to feel like the third wheel. I always ran before dark, and then got ready for bed. My routine became ingrained.
The only thing I looked forward to were the moments I was emotionally stable enough to open my computer and add to Hope and Skull’s story. They were the light in my life. I was able to create their world, molding it to my will and always in control of the outcome.
Out of the blue, my English professor called to tell me she had some people who were interested in helping me publish Hope's story. She warned me not to get too excited, but she thought it sounded promising. I told her I was very interested in what they had to say. Finally, my plan to jump into the publishing world seemed possible.
Trent called twice a day, and I ignored him. He never left a voicemail. When his number showed up on my phone, I would hold my breath until the screen went dark.
I trudged home from work one Friday, wondering what I would do to keep myself busy during the weekend. I found a white envelope on my bed with my name written across the front when I walked into my room.
It was bingo night for my dad and Martha, but I would’ve recognized my dad’s handwriting anywhere. I wondered what he’d left to try and cheer up his pathetic daughter. Maybe it was a ticket to join them for bingo.
It wasn't a letter at all, but a card with a ticket inside. My lungs froze when I noticed the ticket was to a JackholeS show that night.
