There was one night she honestly thought she was going to die. She’d fallen asleep, believing she’d never wake up again. But she did. And when she woke up, she was no longer in the alley. Tears welled up in her eyes as she recalled waking up…
Amanda slowly gained consciousness. The first thing she was aware of was her disappointment. She thought it was finally over, but it wasn’t. She was still alive, and because of that, she still had to deal with the pain.
Releasing a long breath, she focused in on her surroundings, fully expecting the familiar chill of the early morning on her face or the sound of a rat scampering somewhere nearby. Instead, she was warm. In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d been more comfortable. Someone had tucked a blanket around her and, if she guessed right, put her in a soft bed. Her head rested on a feather pillow. Her boots had been removed, though her clothes were still on.
Part of her wanted to go back to sleep, but another part of her had to find out where she was and who was with her. She forced her eyes open. The room was dim. The only source of light came from a kerosene lamp a few feet away. It took her a moment to focus in on the small table holding the lamp. Next to it was a full glass of water. Beyond the table was a small window, and through the thin curtains, she saw it was night.
Where was she? And, more importantly, who brought her here?
She closed her eyes again to give herself time to wake up. The silence should have probably alarmed her, but she found it soothing. After all the creepy noises in the alley, it was nice not to worry about something—or someone—finding her. Better yet, nothing crawled over her.
With a shiver, she opened her eyes again. This time, her gaze went lower from the window, and she saw someone sitting in a chair in the shadows. She stiffened for a moment but then realized it was Richard Larson and relaxed.
“What happened to you?” Richard asked, his voice soft in the still room.
She hadn’t seen him in over a year, and the first thing he said to her had to be the hardest thing to answer. She closed her eyes, thinking he might assume she hadn’t heard him, that she had fallen back asleep.
But she heard footsteps and couldn’t help but open her eyes again. Richard was kneeling in front of her. He seemed to be intent on studying her, and usually such concentration would make her squirm, but she sensed something in his expression that hovered between concern and tenderness.
He reached out, as if to touch her, then changed his mind. After a moment, he said, “We grew up together. You know me. You knew you could trust me. It wasn’t like I was a stranger. I just found you in an alley, wrapped up in garbage to keep you warm.” He glanced up at the ceiling and shook his head. “I don’t understand. I’ve been going over our entire lives in my mind, and I can’t think of a single time when I ever made you think you couldn’t come to me if you needed help.” When his gaze returned to hers, there were tears in his eyes. “I’d never let you live like that. Why didn’t you ask for help?”
She didn’t know what to tell him. A lot had happened since she last saw him. And even now, she didn’t want to think about it. It was why she’d hoped she’d never wake up. Then the nightmare would be over.
“Won’t you tell me something?” he asked.
She wanted to tell him to take her back to the alley, that she wasn’t worth saving. But by the expression on his face she knew that would hurt him more than anything else she could say. Richard Larson had no idea just how dark people could get. He was all light and laughter. He’d always been that way since they were children. But darkness could block out light, and pain made people stop laughing. Even the small apartment he’d taken her to had shadows that crept up on the light around it.
“I can’t tell you,” she whispered.
She’d hurt him. She could see it in his eyes. Just one sentence, and she’d managed to strike him without trying. She pulled the blanket over her head so she wouldn’t have to keep looking at him. It was better to pretend he wasn’t there.
He stayed there, by the bed, for the longest time. She was beginning to think he was going to stay there all night, kneeling in front of her, watching her. She held her breath and waited, her heartbeat picking up in dread. Was he going to insist she tell him?
Finally, he rose to his feet and walked away. Relieved, she released her breath, unaware her lungs had begun to hurt from holding it for so long. She didn’t know where he went, nor did she bother to check. It was much better to stay hidden under the blanket and keep silent. The less he knew, the better. One thing she always liked about him was his light, and she’d never do anything to take it away.
Amanda pulled herself out of the memory and thought back to Elsie.
“I don’t understand,” she whispered in prayer. “Why didn’t You take me instead? I have no reason to be here.”
Footsteps approached from behind, and she glanced up in time to see Richard. She wiped the tears away as he sat next to her. “Did you hear about Elsie?”
“I did,” he replied. “Joe said we’ll spend the day here and give her a funeral. Then we’ll head out tomorrow morning.”
“It’s not right she should be buried out here where she’ll be left behind.”
“We can’t take her with us. Not with the weight of all the furnishings and supplies.”
She considered his words and decided he was right. They were doing good just to take the things they needed on their journey. A corpse would only make things more difficult. “I suppose it doesn’t matter. It’s not like anyone can bring her back.”
“Joe warned us some people might die while on the trail. It’s a risk making the journey.”
“I know, but it shouldn’t have been her. She was always nice to people, doing whatever she could to help out. She had a purpose. People needed her. People loved her.”
He rubbed her back and whispered, “I know what you’re thinking, and I’m asking you to stop. You have a reason to be here.”
He didn’t know. He couldn’t know. He hadn’t even considered the possibility. She didn’t want to either, but she’d missed the third month of her flow the other day. She had blamed the last two months on the strain she’d been under, but she could only explain it away for so long. Just like Laura, she had to come face to face with the unpleasant reality called life.
She put her face in her hands and swallowed her tears. “You shouldn’t have married me. You should have left me in the alley to die.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It would have been best for you.”
“No, it wouldn’t.”
The tenderness in his tone shouldn’t have made her break into a fresh wave of tears, but there was always something in the way he was gentle with her that broke through her defenses. It was why she couldn’t say no when he asked her to leave New York with him.
It was why she even agreed to marry him, though to this day, she couldn’t imagine why he was so insistent on it. She could have joined him and his family without marrying him. Maybe if she hadn’t been weak, she would have had the strength to say no. But after everything that had happened, she could hardly even think straight.
He pulled her into his arms, but she pushed him away. “Stop it,” she said, forcing in a bitter edge to her voice, hoping it would give her the courage to tell him the truth.
He had to know. He had to know what he’d gotten himself into by marrying her, and more than that, he had to know she was willing to free him from the responsibilities he’d signed up for.
Ignoring the hurt look in his eyes, she said, “I’m expecting.” More tears came to her eyes, and as much as she tried to brush them aside with the back of her hand, they just kept on coming. “I can’t do this to you, Richard. I can’t have people thinking we were doing something we shouldn’t have been. It’s not fair to you. When we get Omaha, we’ll annul this marriage, and I’ll leave. You can tell your parents I left because I couldn’t handle living out West, or you can tell them I left with another man.”
“Amanda, I’m not going to leave you.”
“Didn’t you hear me? I’m with child.”
“I heard you just fine, but that doesn’t change anything. I’m staying with you.” He took her hands in his and urged her to rest by his side. “Whatever happens, we’ll get through it together.”
“We can’t. We haven’t been married long enough for people to think this child was conceived in wedlock. This isn’t something you can hide.”
“We’ll tell them it’s mine, and I’ll say the moment just got away from us and I took your innocence.”
“But that isn’t the truth.”
“It doesn’t have to be, and what’s more, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that this child will have parents who’ll take care of him.” He squeezed her hands and bowed his head to hers. “It’s not your fault, Amanda. No woman asks to be raped, no matter what others say.”
“I still don’t want anyone to know.”
“I know, and I won’t tell anyone. I won’t break my promise.”
“It’s not right for me to ask you to do this, Richard.”
“You’re not asking. I want to.”
This time when he wrapped his arms around her, she didn’t resist. She leaned into him, taking comfort in his silent strength. He had a way of soothing her, of making her believe things just might work out. But the illusion was always broken as soon as he stopped holding her.
Chapter Six
“Life is but a vapor,” Joe spoke during the funeral. “We’re here for a brief moment before we’re taken home. But despite our short time on this Earth, our life has meaning. Elsie was a daughter, a wife, and a mother. Though her time was brief, she was greatly loved.”
The group was quiet as Joe continued to speak. From time to time, the baby let out a cooing sound, unaware of the solemn situation that had brought him into the world. Jesse had wanted to hold him, but Elsie’s mother had been adamant she do it, saying he didn’t know how to properly hold a baby. Jesse, probably too exhausted and overcome with sorrow, chose not to argue. Instead, he stood next to his mother-in-law, trying to hide his tears but not succeeding.
Amanda couldn’t help but notice Laura, who wasn’t too far from him, softly crying into her handkerchief. A stab of guilt over the way she’d talked to Laura ate at her. Laura hadn’t deserved the harsh words. It wasn’t until they’d gathered around the grave that Amanda realized she’d lashed out at her because of envy.
She wanted the kind of life Laura had, the kind of life where the worst thing that happened to her was the tear in her dress that exposed her petticoats. Laura had been horrified when it’d happened shortly after her family had joined their group. How Amanda wished that would’ve been her biggest fear.
But now she did have her biggest fear. She was carrying Mr. Price’s baby. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, she couldn’t keep lying to herself. Worse, she couldn’t hide it from Richard’s parents once they reached Omaha. She might be able to make it the rest of the two months they had on this trek, but after that, she’d start showing. They were bound to be disappointed. She could manage it well enough on her end, but it wasn’t right to ask him to bear the weight of their disapproval.
Maybe she should tell them what happened. Then they’d understand it wasn’t Richard’s fault. Even as she considered the option, her stomach twisted into a painful knot. All it did was bring back that horrible day when Mr. Price caught her alone in her sister’s apartment. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing the memory of his grimy hands off of her. Then he’d shoved up her dress and then…and then…
She didn’t realize she had fallen against Richard until he lifted her up into his arms.
“Poor thing,” Amanda overheard a woman murmur as Richard carried her away. “She’s probably never been to a funeral before.”
That showed how little that woman knew. Amanda had lost both parents before she was eighteen. She’d had to live with her sister and brother-in-law after that. If her brother-in-law hadn’t brought in that awful Mr. Price to stay for a couple weeks, she wouldn’t be in this predicament right now.
No, she must not think about it. Thinking about it wouldn’t change anything.
Richard set her down by their wagon. “I’ll get you some water.”
“I’m not thirsty,” she replied as he turned to get the canteen.
“You have to be,” he said. “It’s hot, and I know how many layers of clothes a woman wears. I’ve had to bring in the wash many times when Ma hung clothes up on the line. They’re even worse when wet. I tell you, one time I fell and the whole stack landed on top of me. I thought I’d never get out from under that heavy load.”
Despite the situation, she found herself chuckling at his joke. “You always know what to say to make me feel better.”
With a grin, he retrieved the canteen and sat beside her. “Good. I like it when you laugh.”
She took the canteen but didn’t take a drink. Instead, she asked, “Why are so good to me? We hadn’t spoken much to each other since we were done with school.”
He shrugged, his gaze going to the grass. “I didn’t know where you went after your parents died. I went to the apartment they lived in, but the landlord didn’t know where you’d gone. I looked for you. I asked around. No one we knew in school could tell me where you went.”
“You looked for me?” she whispered, surprised he’d made the effort.
He nodded then gave out a light chuckle. “I know this is going to sound strange considering I never said anything in school, but I wanted to court you for the longest time.”
“You did?”
“I almost asked several times, but each time, I lost my nerve. That was why I searched for you. I realized the worst you could say was no, but if I didn’t ask, I’d never even have a chance.”
She stared at him, not knowing what to say. She’d thought he’d only thought of her as a friend. “I-I had no idea.”
“That’s because I never told you.” He cleared his throat then added, “I thought you should know. Marrying you wasn’t something I had to do. It’s something I wanted to do.”
She swallowed the lump in her throat as she considered the ramifications of what he’d just told her. As much as she wanted to excuse his words, to believe he’d only said it to relieve her of guilt for trapping him into marriage with a child he didn’t ask for, she couldn’t. They’d grown up in the same school since they were children. She knew when he was lying, and he definitely wasn’t lying.
He’d never once said anything about love when he offered to marry her. She’d assumed he did that to save her because she had nowhere to go. Her brother-in-law had blamed her for seducing Mr. Price and had thrown her out. Her sister, being the victim of her brother-in-law’s violence hadn’t had the strength to stop him. And Joe had been working on a railroad in another state, so she hadn’t been able to go to him. She released her breath. Richard had saved her life. Had he not come along when he did, she would have died in that alley.
She brushed more tears from her eyes. Never once had she entertained any romantic notions for Richard. Who knew if she might have had he made his feelings known sooner? But she supposed it didn’t matter. There was nothing anyone could do about the past. God knew all the times she’d replayed that day with Mr. Price in her mind did nothing to change the outcome. Often, she’d thought of everything she should have done differently. If only she’d left the apartment as soon as she realized they were alone. If only she’d screamed for help as soon as he came toward her instead of thinking she could talk him out of it…
“Amanda?”
Richard’s gentle voice pulled her out of the past. Blinking, she turned her gaze to him.
Removing the handkerchief from his pocket, he brushed her tears away. “Please have something to drink. You didn’t drink or eat much this morning, and it’s the hottest part of the day.”
Since he worried over her, she obeyed, taking a longer drink than she needed. When she was fin
ished, he seemed satisfied, and to her surprise, that made her happy. For some reason, he needed her to drink the water more than she did.
She handed the canteen back to him. “Don’t forget to get some water yourself,” she whispered.
He smiled and took a good, long swallow. When he was done, he twisted the cap back on and glanced over his shoulder. Curious, she followed suit and saw Joe was leading the group in a prayer.
Richard turned his gaze back to her, once again drawing her in with those tender blue eyes. “You have people who care about you. Remember those times when our families used to come together for potlucks and other social activities when we were younger?”
The days when her parents were still alive and she felt safe. She nodded.
“My family thinks of you as one of their own,” he continued. “When I told them we eloped, they were happy.”
She touched a blade of grass and wound it around her finger, almost afraid to ask but needing to know. “I know you didn’t tell them the real reason we got married, but I’ve been wondering, what did you say?”
“I told them I’d loved you since we were in school, and I had the fortune of running into you by accident. They knew I’d been looking for you, so they accepted it.”
So he’d told them the truth, in a roundabout way. “Did they wonder why you left New York?”
“I just told them since your parents weren’t alive, you saw no reason why we shouldn’t join them and go to Omaha. To be honest, they were glad. I might be grown up, but my mother tends to still think of me as a little boy.”
She smiled when she caught the roll of his eyes. “Your mother’s a good woman.”
“She is. And she thinks of you as her daughter. I know no one can take the place of your mother, but I wanted you to know she’s glad to have you in our family.”
It took her a moment to understand why he mentioned it, and when she did, she couldn’t help but blink back a few more tears. He wanted to make her feel better, to let her know she was as important to him and his family as Elsie had been to hers. But she didn’t have the heart to tell him once his mother found out about the baby, she wouldn’t be likely to think so well of her. He was being very kind to her, and she would honor that by keeping her thoughts to herself.
Wagon Trail Bride Page 4
