Take My Breath Away

by Wendy L. Wilson

  I swing around to the side of the deck and position myself on the top stair to look out at the yard. I don’t care to mingle. After guzzling most of my beer, I sit it down and lower my feet to the next step so that I can lay back with a perfect view of the sky. A sliver of the moonlight shining above makes my mind flicker to a memory of Judd and me the first night we met.

  I close my eyes tightly trying to will away the sharp pain in my heart. I’ve done a decent job of shutting him out of my thoughts, but sometimes when I’m upset or alone, his face flashes through my mind and I swear I am back in the security of his arms. I’ve even caught the smell of his skin as I stir in bed at night.

  The truth is, even though he played me, I still miss him. I miss our easy conversations; our playful flirting and most of all, I miss the way he made me feel.

  Inhaling deeply as I sit up, my chest warms and my mind gets a little fuzzy. Yes! I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since the lake, although the past couple months have definitely called for a drink. If I’m going to be here, I’m going to let go and de-stress with a little pick-me-up. Continuing in on my mission, I grab what’s left of my drink and guzzle it. Who cares; I just need to get drunk. I place my cup down beside me, lean my head back and smile.

  “What are you smiling about?”

  Looking up, I see Kyle is scooting in behind me, his legs sliding along the edges of my hips.

  “I thought you might be lonely out here all by yourself, plus, it looked like you just downed that,” he says, pointing to my empty cup, “So, I brought you another one.”

  I laugh, already giddy from the buzz that is working its way through me.

  He hands me a cup full of something strong-smelling and then sits two shot glasses, plus a bottle of liquor down beside us. I lean back and rest my head against his shoulder as I throw back my second drink.

  “Easy. Slow down or I’ll have to carry you home, although, you could stay here tonight.” The corner of his mouth rises up into a crooked grin as he winks.

  Hmm . . . no dimple. I sigh and twist around to face him.

  He casually places one hand on my hip while handing me a shot with the other. I smile and toss it back as well, letting the warm liquid course down my throat and heat up my chest. Giggly and light headed from the drinks, but still aware that I shouldn’t get involved with Kyle, I gently grab his hand and move it from my hip to his leg.

  He chuckles at my reaction. “I guess you need another drink, so I can take advantage of you later.” He licks his bottom lip and grins.

  Shaking my head, I break out into a burst of laughter from the dizziness in my head.

  “Not going to happen, Kyle.” I stop laughing and turn my neck to take in his expression.

  His quiet chuckles dance across my ear as he places a quick kiss against my neck.

  “You know, I’ll never give up,” he tells me for what may be the fiftieth time since this summer.

  We stare at each other for a long while before I spin back around, with my back to him. I just want to have an easy night with no complications. Kyle has been there for me since my father’s cancer returned and although, I know he wants more than I do; tonight I only want to feel a sense of peace and tranquility. I lean back against his chest with a deep breath and let him wrap his arms around me. With my eyes closed, I let the vibrations of the bass take hold.

  After an hour passes and we have had a few too many shots, we make our way back inside. Kyle holds my hand leading me upstairs to his room, while grabbing another beer. My legs wobble beneath me and as if I’m walking on a tight wire, I have the urge to hold my arms out to my side. I’m still standing, though.

  Halfway up the stairs, Bethany’s voice calls out from behind me. She slams right into my back, giggling.

  “Where you going, girl?!” she yells over the music.

  I hiccup and giggle as Kyle tightens his grip on my hand. Leaning back against him for some sense of stability, I notice a not-so-happy glare that Bethany shoots his way as she looks around me to take in the scene.

  Painting on a tipsy smile, her attention focuses back to me, “So, are you headed home soon? Because I found that guy that I have been telling you about and I think he is coming to our place. He has a friend, too.” She wiggles her eyebrows up and down and Kyle’s hand possessively wraps around my waist.

  “She may stay here. She drank quite a bit,” he informs her.

  Bethany gives him an evil look and then looks at me, silently asking me if I know what I am doing.

  I’m unsteady on my feet and I’ve had two . . . four, maybe five or seven shots, but I am totally in control. I know what I am doing.

  Placing my hand on her shoulder, I touch my lips to her ear and whisper as loud as I can in the noisy room, “If you have company, just put the scarf up and I’ll crash on the couch.”

  Bethany sticks her tongue between her teeth with a huge grin and gives me a thumbs-up as she bounces down the steps, eager to get back to her next conquest.

  Once she is gone, Kyle tugs me the rest of the way up the stairs and into his bedroom. As soon as the door is closed behind us, his lips are on mine going a hundred miles an hour. I kiss him back, tasting the bitterness of beer and sweetness of whiskey on his tongue. Not a single spark ignites, and all the fireworks that once existed between us are now just useless, fizzled out duds.

  He backs me up to the bed with his body flush against mine, causing me to fall back onto his pillowy-soft mattress. As he carefully eases the full weight of his body onto me, I close my eyes as our mouths move together. My heart begs for it to be someone else as my mind envisions that person touching my skin and softly kissing my lips.

  Kyle’s movements become more rapid as the denim of his jeans rubs hard against me, letting me know just how excited he really is.

  Letting out a slow, shaky breath, I try my best to just feel and not think. No strings attached, right? Just fun.

  His lips descend down my neck and he unexpectedly starts to push my shirt up as his tongue makes its way across my skin to my stomach. Once his hand grazes over the fabric of my bra, I gasp out loud, wanting badly to be in the moment, but not able to push Judd’s face out of my mind. I can’t do this.

  Abruptly interrupting Kyle’s pursuit of satisfaction, I push at his chest and clear my throat. He immediately takes the hint that this is over and slides up to look at me, thoroughly out of breath.

  Once he scoots off the bed onto his knees, I sit up and stare down at him, not sure of what to say. Gently keeping his hands at my hips, he flashes me a weak smile as I affectionately run my hand across his cheek. His eyes gloss over with disappointment and although he smiles, I can tell I’ve hurt him.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t,” I barely say above a whisper.

  He gets up, still breathing heavily and moves over beside me on the bed. Grabbing my hand, he places a small kiss on the back of my knuckles.

  “It’s ok. I’ll wait.” His smile is gloomy and it is no secret that he feels frustrated, but I can’t go through with this if my heart is not in it. “Will you stay the night?” he asks, quietly.

  I shake my head, knowing it would only further his torment if I slept beside him all night long.

  “Then can I walk you home?” he asks in such a sweet tone that I can’t refuse.

  Nodding my head, I answer him, “I’d like that,” feeling thankful for his understanding, because I have truly had all I can handle for one night.

  I have a lot of bouncing back to do before I am ready to party.

  THE NEXT MORNING I WAKE up with a pounding headache, a mouth full of cotton and uncomfortably sprawled out on the couch. Maybe I should roll over and sleep the day away.

  Twisting onto my back slowly, my eyes make contact with Bethany’s plush purple scarf tied around the bedroom door knob. She must have already had her fun before I got home last night, because normally her late night activities could wake the dead. The sounds of the bathroom door opening and closing a few times through
the night had me stirring, but other than that it had been fairly quiet. Thank goodness. A tap on the door, at this point, may crack my skull wide open the way it is hurting.

  Reaching over to the coffee table, I automatically grab my phone and notice three missed messages.

  Kyle: Hey gorgeous! Text me when you wake up. I want to talk to you about last night. I hope I didn’t come on too strong, it’s just I miss you! The bbq is at 1:00, so if I don’t hear from you, I’ll swing by.

  Letting out a long-winded sigh, I remember the barbeque party at Kyle’s frat house that he asked me to go to last week. All the guys are bringing dates, so of course he asked me to come. I reluctantly said yes, feeling obligated to help him out as much as he had helped my family out since Dad had got sick again. I owe him a date at least¸ if not more. He has been working around the clock to gain my trust back since this summer and I’ll have to admit, even though my heart isn’t 100% on board, he is gaining ground.

  Getting out of Kyle’s message, I scroll to a text from my sister this morning.

  Abby: Hey Lyssi-B! Mom was hoping you could come over for dinner tonight? I think Andrea will be here and I’m off work, too. They thought doing the whole family thing would be nice. :P Call me and let me know. <3 U!

  A lump forms in my throat and I wonder why Mom and Dad would want me to come over tonight when I am staying the night tomorrow night. I don’t work or have class on Monday so I planned on spending that day with Dad. Abby plays it off as nothing, but I am not convinced. I’ll have to call her on my way over to Kyle’s.

  My final message is from Bethany, stamped from 11:51 last night. She must have sent it to me before she left the party.

  Bethany: OMG! Have you seen this guy? Holy crap, he is hot! I am so getting into his pants tonight! If the rest of his anatomy works as good as his lips, it’s gonna be a long night!! OMG!! I’ll try to find you before I leave but if I don’t; you’re booted to the couch tonight! Scarf will be up!! Luv u chicka!

  She must really like this one. Usually she isn’t this persistent with guys. They pretty much come to her, but as she puts it, this one has been playing hard to get for a while. He must have finally given in or maybe he was drunk out of his mind like everyone else at the party. I laugh out loud thinking about how Bethany has taken living college life to a whole new level.

  Glancing at the clock, I’m instantly alert and in a hurry. Great . . . it’s noon, already. Kyle will be here in an hour. I need to get changed and freshened up.

  With extreme effort to not jog my already pounding head, I sit up and make my way into the bathroom, fully intent on getting ready, but make a b-line for the aspirin first. To minimize the noise level, I decide to throw on my clothes from last night after I’m showered up. I need some fresh clothes out of my room, but I don’t want to wake Bethany and her guest. I’ll grab a clean shirt before I leave.

  After spritzing a bit of body spray on my chest, I slip back into my smoke and beer reeked shirt from last night’s party. I’m hoping in the amount of time it takes me to retrieve a clean shirt from my dresser that the perfume will serve as a barrier to keep me from smelling like I slept in a gutter. For a moment, I consider darting in my bedroom in my towel or bra, but with my luck, the guy would wake up and think that Bethany has decided to surprise him with double the fun. Not going to happen!

  As soon as I dab on a little more makeup, I quietly exit the bathroom. The scarf is still hanging from the door knob, so no such luck in Bethany waking up early and bringing me a shirt.

  Quietly turning the door knob, I inch it open and peek inside to make sure there are no early morning activities going on. Two pair of bare legs lie twisted up in the sheets, completely motionless.

  Even though our floor is pretty solid and noise-proof, I tip toe across the carpeted floor, careful to dodge the landmine of clothes between our beds. On my side of the room it is nice and tidy with a clean made up bed, clothes all tucked away in the dresser or closet, shoes lined up under my bed and only a clock and lamp on my nightstand. However, on Bethany’s side, the sheets are always thrown to the bottom of the bed, outfit after outfit scattered all over the floor and several empty 320z soda cups line her nightstand.

  I live with an absolute slob, but our differences kind of balance us out. She is wild and crazy where I am reserved and serious most of the time. She is messy where I am organized; she’s a partier and she is most definitely into jumping from bed to bed with guys, while I believe in commitment and love.

  Placing my hand over my mouth to hide my grin from no one in particular, I look down at her all nuzzled up to the back of a tan, muscular guy. Oh my!

  My foot hits the base of the dresser, signifying that I have reached my destination. Not paying a bit of attention, I reach into my drawer and finger through a pile of soft shirts. Craning my neck to take in all of this guy’s body, I let my eyes roam over his sculpted abs, the V along his hips that dip below the sheet and his bulky biceps. He is scrunched up on his side with the pillow clutched in his hand and held over his head. I wonder what his face looks like.

  Now I understand her being so determined with this one. He definitely has the body, that’s for sure. I’ve only seen one other body that is this perfect. Good gosh, I really need to get him off my mind; I’m seeing him in everything.

  Swinging my head around to pay attention to what I am pulling out of my drawer, I squat down and yank a couple shirts out before settling on a sheer black long sleeve shirt with a bright pink tank to layer underneath it.

  As I nudge the drawer closed, ever so gently, I stand back up and look back at them, hoping to not make a sound. Ogling the guy’s body a little longer, I notice a deep scar that runs along his shoulder and another along his ribcage. He also has a tattoo on the inside of his bicep that runs parallel to the scar. It’s a large infinity sign with swirls and patterns around it. Straining my eyes to see the rest of it, I barely make out the words “breathe” scripted at the center.

  A small thud makes me whirl around to the dresser to see that my family picture fell over when I was trying to shut the drawer. Dammit!

  Behind me, I hear the crinkling of fabric and the creaking of the mattress. Great, I woke them!

  “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to wake . . .” I say as I spin around so that I can make a quick exit.

  All of a sudden, my eyes collide with deep hazel eyes staring at me from beneath the pillow. My mouth drops open and my stomach churns. I can’t move; I can barely breathe.

  My chest contracts with short, quick spurts of breath that make me feel as though I may hyperventilate.

  With wide eyes, he throws the pillow to the side and rises onto his elbows.

  As I grip my hands to my stomach in hopes that I don’t hurl, my eyes shift back and forth between him and Bethany, finally registering all that has transpired. Neither of us makes a move and I can barely think. If only I could make my legs work, I would run.

  Becoming aware of the image that is set before me, he looks down at the sheet hanging across the middle of his body, glances over at Bethany, who is sleeping soundly and looks back at me as his facial expression shifts to shock then sadness.

  “Lyssa?” he says in a raspy voice. “What are you doing here? I thought . . .”

  I instantly throw my hand in the air to urge him to stop talking and potentially saying anything that might crush my heart any more than it already is. I don’t want to hear anything he has to say; I don’t even want to look at him, I can’t look at him. Why is he here? Why isn’t he in California? And how the hell did he wind up in bed with my best friend?

  Finally finding my voice as my eyes well up with tears, there is only one thing I can think to say; something I don’t intend to stick around to hear the answer to.

  “Did you tell her you’re in love with her, too?” I say in an icy tone and then bolt out the door.

  “Wait a minute! Where do you get off being mad at me?” his muffled voice hollers out from the other room as I rush
across the living room and hastily pull the front door open.

  “What! You can dish it out but you can’t take it!” His voice is louder as he remains hot on my trail.

  Why is he pissed at me? Once I pass over the threshold of the apartment building, I glance back over my shoulder. In mid-run through the hallway in front of my apartment, Judd angrily tugs his jeans on while keeping his eyes locked on me the whole time. Dammit!

  “Go back in and enjoy your slumber party!” I yell out and then realize I forgot my keys and purse. Shit!

  My eyes blur over as I fly out of the complex. I’ll jog to Kyle’s house and come back for my keys later. Luckily, I held onto the clean shirt I swiped from my dresser, however, that is a decision that I’ll forever regret. Completely neck deep in thoughts and wondering “why me,” I run as fast as my legs will carry me down the sidewalk and to the parking lot. Looking back for only a split second, I find him not far behind.

  “Lyssa, wait! Let me talk to you!” he yells.

  I snap my head back around so I can watch where I’m going and unexpectedly collide with Kyle.

  “Whoa.” He grabs my waist and pushes me back at arm’s length to observe the situation. “You ok?” Kyle asks in a tender voice as he faces me with his hand pressed against my cheek.

  I look at Kyle for a moment, but my eyes are drawn over my shoulder to Judd. He halts not far behind me in a defensive stance. Kyle’s eyes sweep from him to me at first before he turns his full attention back to Judd.

  Fumbling his hand, Kyle clasps mine in a protective hold and pulls me in behind him. Judd’s eyes sweep down to our joined hands and his eyes widen. A tinge of guilt rises within me at how this must look to him, but then again, what do I have to feel bad about?

  As Judd and Kyle continue their stand-off in complete silence, I realize just how bad this situation is. I never told anyone about Judd; not Bethany and certainly not Kyle. Those two weeks were something I kept locked inside my heart; a memory I visited but never talked about out loud, not to anyone except Abby.