by Robin Roseau
"Why can't you understand?"
"What is it you believe I don't understand?"
"I can't stand the thought of losing you!"
I looked up to her face for a moment then looked back down. "Then why are you driving me away?"
"You are so stubborn!"
I didn't want to leave her. But I didn't know how to be what she wanted, either, and I didn't know how to make her understand.
I stared at the floor. I was sure I wasn't projecting the image of an adult. I carried the same posture of one of my students caught doing something she shouldn't. But I was so tired of fighting. I was tired of giving up who I was to try to conform to the Amazon expectations.
"I can't be what you need, Malora," I said. "Nori took me too late. I can't give up who I am and be what an Amazon is supposed to be."
"I don't know what you are talking about. That doesn't make sense."
"I'm a poor warrior. We both know that."
"I don't need you to be a warrior."
"I am unable to accept that I have no will of my own," I said, "that I only make the decisions you allow me to make."
"That's not true, either! Damn it, Maya!"
I shook my head. "You're never going to understand." I turned for the door. "I'm sorry."
I got a half step and she was in front of me, "No, Maya. No, no, no!"
I stepped around her and reached for the door, but she blocked it from opening. "Maya please!"
"The Amazons took everything from me, Malora. You took me from my home, and when you did so, you took my dignity at the same time. You took me from my job. You took me from a place I was respected. You took from me the right to determine my own path through life. You took from me my own self-respect. In exchange, I have given you everything I had to offer. I know I've failed your expectations, but it wasn't through lack of trying. I've done everything I can think of to earn your respect and that of all the Amazons, and maybe along the way earn some self-respect back. But none of that is enough. It's not enough for you and it damned well isn't enough for anyone else. In the meantime I have suffered humiliation after humiliation. And now you seek to shame me further to give up any last semblance of self-will, and last semblance of control over my own life."
The tears started up again, making me even more upset.
"I can't do it anymore. I can't continue to be treated as if my opinion about my own life is meaningless."
"That's not what I'm doing!"
"It certainly is, and if you weren't so damned arrogant you would realize something. You don't get to make every decision about my life. I don't care if you're the all mighty warrior and queen. That doesn't give you the right to treat me as if I am nothing but your toy doll. But you think it does, and that's why I am leaving. Now get out of my way."
She stood there, not moving, her head bowed. I don't know how long we stood there before she finally said, "Please don't go. We'll postpone the trip. We'll talk about it." She paused. "You told me you would forgive me!"
"I would have forgiven punishment. This," I gestured, "isn't meant for punishment. It's meant to shame me. It's meant to set me apart, to tell everyone 'here is the disobedient companion who refuses to bow to the Amazon queen.' You should have whipped me instead. Now step aside."
"Maya, wait!" she said. "Please, let me think." She kept her back against the door, blocking my exit, neither of us moving. I stared at her for what seemed like forever but was probably only a minute or two.
"What?" I finally said. "What is going to change?"
"Just-" she paused. "Are you angry about the punishment?"
"I'm angry because you're trying to force me to stop thinking for myself and trying to deny my choices."
"Which choices?" she asked.
"All of them."
"I don't think so," she replied. "Be specific. List one."
"Fine. Sending me away when I don't want to go."
"What else?"
"Training. You make me train when you know I hate it."
"Anything else?"
I looked down. "No."
"Can we agree it's the first one that has you most angry?"
"I hate training!"
"Would you be leaving over training?"
"No."
"Are you angry because you serve my meals and do my laundry?"
"No," I said in a smaller voice.
"So you're angry because I take away your right to choose to accompany me into a fight? Is that the crux of this?"
"Yes. My place is by your side!"
"You argued earlier that the times you have defied me in the past, you were right and I was wrong. Correct?"
"Yes."
"What if you were wrong? Would you still be angry? Or would you be willing to believe that maybe, just maybe, I am better qualified to judge who should be in a battle than you are?"
I stared at her.
"It's not about who is better qualified," I said.
"It certainly is," she said. "You are mad because I exercise my rights and responsibilities as the queen of all the Amazons and your warrior."
"What you did to me was wrong!"
"What I did to you made you angry, and I understand that, but if you would obey me, I wouldn't have done it that way either time, and we both know it."
"You shouldn't send me away!"
We were both glaring at each other, our voices raised loudly. We panted for a moment before she said more calmly, "I haven't been fully honest with you."
"Yeah," I said, "you made me believe you were tying me up for a little bit of fun, not so you could trick me into getting sent away."
"I haven't wanted to hurt your feelings, but I think you need the big picture. You are going to listen, and then I'll step away from the door."
"Fine. What?"
"You have disobeyed me three times and I suspect would have a fourth if I hadn't prevented it."
"Yes, and I was right each time!"
"Actually, Maya, you were not."
"Oh?" I began ticking on my fingers. "Saved Ping's life and possibly Omie's. Save Balorie's life. Beria got whipped. And you needed me before the challenge, and the results were better because I was here."
"That's one way of looking at it. Let's start with your demon. The day we engaged, it was a typical demon fight, although Ping got hurt. That's rare. She got hurt stopping the demon, which we don't normally need to worry about. Do you know why we had to worry that time?"
I stared at her.
"Come on, Maya," she said. "Why did Ping need to stop the demon?"
"To keep it from Varda and me."
"To keep it from you. Varda would otherwise have been in the fight."
"There are other times companions go who don't fight."
"Yes, but I know they'll run if the demon gets past us. And horses are faster than demons. Sometimes the demon chases a horse for a while, but then turns back."
"My horse wouldn't run. That wasn't my fault."
"You're on a gentle horse because you can't handle one that is more spirited, one that wouldn't freeze in a situation like that."
I stared at her. "Ping got hurt protecting me. It's my fault!"
"She got hurt protecting you, but it's not your fault. It's mine for letting you be there when I knew you weren't ready and never would be."
"Malora..." I said. It was a whine.
"I'm not done. What happened next? You screamed and the demon saw you."
"But you got its attention back."
"And then it ran. They never run. Never. We can make guesses why it ran. And the next day, it was sneaky. Demons are never, ever sneaky. Why was it sneaky, Maya?"
I looked down. "She wanted me."
"If you hadn't been there, the demon would have died the first day in an encounter like we have all the time, hardly noteworthy. And even if it had run, it wouldn't have had a reason to return. And even if it had returned, Ping wouldn't have been hurt, and she and Omie could easily have handled it."
"I
t's my fault."
"No. It's not your fault. Let's talk about the next demon, the day we found three."
"I helped."
"That's one way of looking at it," she agreed. "You helped me kill mine by distracting it. You made it easier for me. But Maya, I didn't need your help. Balorie told you to stay with me because that was the safest place for you, not because I needed your help."
"Fine, but I saved Balorie."
"Balorie was distracted worrying about you. She's never made such a simple mistake as getting swiped by a tail before. She heard you drawing the demon's attention from me, and she got distracted. Furthermore, if you hadn't been there, we probably would have had Clara and Bea on one demon and Ping helping Balorie and me. I think even you will agree that Ping would be better than you, and Clara and Bea can handle one demon. Clara can handle one alone, but with Bea to help, it wouldn't have been a problem. If we'd trusted you to not get hurt, we would have had you helping Clara and Bea with Ping helping Balorie and me, but of course, we needed to make sure I could keep you safe."
By the time she was done, I was staring at the floor.
"Now, let's talk about Green Arrow," she said. "I shouldn't have made you stay there, but I didn't know what else to do. I absolutely could not take you into such a chaotic situation, and Beria isn't ready, either. You both needed to stay behind. You were not the only companions who stayed behind."
"Gweneth was there-"
"Gweneth never got within two hours of a demon. Would you have stayed at the base camp with her?"
I didn't answer that. "You should have let me go home!"
"Yes. I agree. Would you, or would you have disobeyed and come after me? If I could have trusted you to go home, I would have sent you home, or at least to Broken Knife."
"So it's my fault Beria got whipped."
"No, it's Parlomith's. Now, let's talk about why I sent you away before the challenge. I needed you safe, Maya. I needed you safe more than I needed your comfort."
"You needed me!"
"Not as much as I needed you safe. Do you have any idea how much harder it was to think straight with you there? I spent more of the fight worrying about you than I did paying attention to my opponent. And when she whipped you, it almost sent me over the edge, which was her plan all along. Furthermore, Ping had to protect you, and if I had lost, you and Ping would have been dead five minutes later."
"But-" I paused. "You wouldn't have been ready if I hadn't come back! The voices would have had you ragged, and I didn't see anyone else suggest you practice against a staff."
"You're right," she said. "And I will be eternally grateful for that, Maya. But once you had done all you could, I needed you safe. And I did it the way I did because I knew you would defy me if you saw it coming."
"I-"
"Maya, I am the Amazon Queen. That is a fact. I am your warrior, and unless you walk away, that is a fact. For both those reasons, it is my responsibility to see to your safety, and I can't begin to tell you how much more qualified I am to do so than you are. That is not meant to be condescending or belittling. I am the queen, Maya, for a reason."
"I-"
"I am going to tell you a few more things, then I am going to step away, and it is going to be your choice what you do next. I love you. I love you with every fiber of my being. I need you almost as badly. And -- and you better listen to me, because I know you don't believe me -- I deeply respect you."
"You do not! No one here does!"
"Poppycock!"
"I'm a laughingstock!"
"As a warrior, yes," she agreed. "But you're not a warrior, so why does that bother you? I can't play a fiddle-"
"But you aren't measured by everyone within three days' ride based on your ability to play a fiddle."
"You and a small number of misguided women are the only people who measure you by your shortcomings as a warrior. I guarantee you no one else living in Queen's Town does. The rest of us measure you by everything else you are, and We. All. Love. You."
"You listen to her!" I heard yelled from outside, and I knew we had an audience.
"Damn it," I said.
"We weren't exactly being quiet," she said. "I'm not done. I can't stand the idea of you leaving, Maya. It's tearing me into pieces. But knowing I'm hurting you so badly you want to leave is even worse. But on this one issue, you must obey me! You must. But if you aren't going to, then it's best if you leave."
And at that, she stepped aside.
I was hurt and I was angry, and all I had left was my pride.
I stepped past her and reached for the door. She let out a sob, quickly stifled, as I opened the door. I stepped out.
Slumber Party
Arrayed in front of me, watching the door, was the entire village. I stopped and stared. Beria was in the middle of all of them, her arms crossed, one hip thrown out in an arrogant stance.
"No," she said. "You aren't leaving like this. Malora, get out. You're spending the night at Nori's. The companions are having a sleepover here."
Malora stepped forth, setting her hands on my shoulders. I shrugged them off, stepping down from the door of the hut, but my path was blocked.
"I'm leaving," I said quietly. "I wish you all the best."
"No," Beria said. "You are not."
"So now I answer to you?" I asked.
"You do when you're being an idiot. You don't want to go. She doesn't want you to go. Absolutely no one here wants you to go. What you want is to be understood and respected, and you are under the mistaken belief that you are not. So, you are getting back in that hut, and the companions are coming in there with you. Malora is going somewhere else. Then we are having a slumber party. We'll probably get drunk, and if anyone tells me I am too young, she can get stuffed."
I glared at my little sister. She looked me up and down.
"You're not thinking clearly," she said. "I bet you're planning on walking. Were you even going to take supplies? Were you going to walk across all of Morehama on two feet without so much as a jug of water?"
"I don't answer to you, Beria."
"You do tonight," she said. "It's late, and once you get under the trees, you won't even be able to see the stars. How are you going to keep a straight line? You'll get lost thirty minutes into the forest. Then what?"
"Get out of my way."
"Nori and Ralla, get Malora out of here. We'll take care of Maya tonight."
Behind me, Nori and Ralla stepped forward. I looked over my shoulder as they began pulling her away, but she shrugged them off and stepped over to me. I turned to face her.
"Please, Maya. I don't want to lose you. We're both angry right now. Maybe we can talk calmly tomorrow. But you need to know this. If you can't obey me on this, I will be forced to banish you from the Amazons. It is almost the last thing I want to do, but it beats watching you get killed."
Then Nori and Ralla were pulling her away, and I felt hands on my arms.
"Bring her inside," Beria said, and then Bea and Aura were tugging on my arms.
I let them, telling myself I couldn't fight all of them, but the truth was simple: I didn't really want to leave; I just didn't know what else to do.
They pulled me into the hut. Beria moved around, turning the lamps up further. Bea and Aura didn't release my arms, and Beria stepped in front of me.
"You are going to promise to behave tonight," she said. "If you do not promise, then we're tying you up." She shrugged. "I don't think that would be good for your pride, but it might amuse the rest of us."
"What does 'behave' mean?"
"From now until noon tomorrow, you're going to do whatever any of us tell you to do, and you will remain in the village."
"Dawn."
"Noon. You're going to have a hangover in the morning, cause we're all about to get drunk, and you're not going to want to leave, anyway."
"We just hosted a hundred guests," I pointed out. "We're out of alcohol in any form."
"Not true," Serra said. "I stashe
d a keg of beer and two cases of wine. Do you want wine or beer?"
"Wine," Beria said. "Let the warriors have the beer."
"Yes, Queen's Companion's Sister," Serra said, and when I glanced at her, she was smirking at Beria.
"So, Sister," Beria said. "Promise to behave?"
"Fine," I said. "I'll behave."
"I want to hear you spell it out," she said.
"B-e-h-a-v-e," I said, and the corners of her lips curled up.
"You know what I mean, smart ass."
"Fine. I promise to behave. I will remain in the village."
"And?" Beria said.
"I am not promising to do whatever you order."
"Tie her up," Beria said. Bea and Aura immediately grabbed my arms again.
"No!" I screamed. "Fine. I promise to do whatever any of you order. There. Satisfied?"
"Getting there," she said with a smile. "You two can let her go. She has never in her life broken a promise to me, and she's not going to start now."
Bea and Aura released my arms, but they stayed close. They weren't as confident of me as my sister was.
"Now what?" I asked.
"Now, we party. We need alcohol. Food." She looked around. "And lots more blankets and pillows. Bea, you stay here."
The rest of the companions ran from the hut, already dividing up chores. Beria stepped past me and grabbed the bedding from Malora's bed, pulling all of it off and tossing it onto the floor. She made a nest of the bedding and pillows, then sat down, her back against the bed. She patted the space next to her. "Come sit with me, Sister."
I stomped over and began to sit down, but then Beria stopped me. "Actually, can you please put on proper clothing first?"
I looked down at what I was wearing, sighed, and stepped over to my chest. It still hung open, my clothes hanging out of it. I pulled off my boots and changed back into Amazon attire. When I turned around, Beria was smiling.
"What?"
"I like the purple."
"Damn it, Beria!"
"I'm not making a joke. I think it's cool."
"I didn't see you volunteering to take a dip in the barrel," I muttered. "She did this to humiliate me."
"No," Beria said, "she did it get your attention. It seems to have worked. Come sit now." She patted the blankets next to her, so I sullenly stomped over and sat down. Bea immediately took my other side.
