Then it was quiet. I couldn’t hear anything. I peeked slowly around the corner and saw them kissing. Fuck! I can’t believe this! I turned and ran, quietly, to the front door. I needed to beat them in or they would know that I knew. I got inside. From the front door I could see through part of the patio door, and they were still kissing, hands moving everywhere. I didn’t know if I should confront them or not. I didn’t know what my next move should be. I stopped by the bathroom and threw up again, not from tequila this time. Then quickly jumped back into bed. About twenty minutes later, Jake finally came back to bed. I laid very still, pretending to be asleep, tear after tear falling down my cheeks.
I tossed and turned all night. When I finally got up, it was seven-thirty. I padded into the kitchen and started some much-needed coffee, then grabbed some clothes from my room and went to shower. I dressed, and threw on some make-up, taking note to use the waterproof mascara. I spent a little extra time on my hair, not really sure why. It wasn't like Jake was going to notice me anyway. I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself I was an adult and I’d handle this with dignity and grace. I would be fine. I smiled at myself and noticed how sad I looked even with a smile. I hurt . . . so bad . . . my body felt like it had had the flu for a week. I hurt . . . physically . . . everywhere. I was not at all hungry, but I took a deep breath and headed to the kitchen to start with coffee. I felt so weak and achy, I hopped the coffee would help some.
I took my cup out to the patio and sat down in the rising sun. I pulled up another chair to prop my legs up. One sip and a deep breath and there I was, in full-on tears. I was unsure what I should do. Should I grab the keys to the Jeep and leave? I didn’t know my way back at all. Should I stay? Should I wake up Mark? Should I tell Jake and Lily that I knew? Should I act like nothing happened? I felt completely out of control. I closed my eyes and prayed hard for strength and guidance. I heard the deck door side open and looked over to see Mark, still in his lounge wear, coming out with a coffee cup. He pulled up a chair.
“Good morning,” he said, “You’re already showered and dressed? What time did you wake up?” he asked.
“I couldn’t sleep last night. It was a long night, to say the least,” I responded without looking at him.
“Sorry about last night. Lily had too much to much to drink, I hope she didn’t make you or Jake too uncomfortable. She hasn’t been herself lately. I think she’s under stress at work.” Mark said apologetically, with a half smile.
“Mark do you think Lily would ever cheat on you?” I asked, sternly without returning the smile.
“What? No, Sara, I don’t. I think she was drunk and made herself look stupid last night. But I don’t think she's cheating on me,” he said.
I could tell I'd hit a nerve. I just looked back out to the lake.
I was so angry I just want everyone to know so that I could move on with my life. I didn’t want to spend one more second married to Jake. I just wanted to pack my things and leave.
“Sara?” Mark asked, “Where did you go there? Do you think Lily’s cheating on me? Is she, Sara? Did she tell you that?” his voice was getting louder.
“She didn’t tell me,” I said, plainly.
“What do you know Sara? Tell me. My god, if you know something tell me, now!” he yelled, leaning at me in his chair.
“Ya know what, Mark, if you want to know something, go to your girlfriend and ask her. Maybe she’ll tell you what you deserve to know,” I told him. We sat there in silence for a while. Both of us staring out to the lake. About ten minutes later, Lily came out dressed in jean shorts and a fitted t-shirt. She was showered with coffee in hand.
“Good morning,” she said, with a smile to which neither of us responded. “Look, you guys, I'm sorry for last night. I had way too much to drink, and I was behaving like an idiot. I'm so sorry,” she said in a disgusting voice that made me ill. I got up and walked inside to the coffee pot and refilled. I was standing there facing it, wondering what to do. It felt like my world was moving in slow motion.
I turned around and saw the two through the glass door talking. Mark looked mad, and I secretly wished I would have left the door open so I could eaves drop. I had a horrible headache, so I went to my room and got some Tylenol. When I return to the kitchen, they were coming through the door. Mark marched past me to the bedroom. Lily headed to the entry and started lacing up her shoes. When Mark came back to the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge, he was dressed in jeans, a polo, and tennis shoes.
“We're going on a walk in the woods to talk for a bit,” Mark told me. I nodded. “Sorry about my attitude this morning,” he added and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.
Lily looked at me sadly and said, “Sorry again for last night . . . I'll talk to you when we get back.” I didn’t nod to her, I just looked straight into her eyes. She locked eyes with me and looked really scared. I wondered if I looked as scary as I felt. I bet she wondered if I knew.
They shut the door behind themselves, and I went back out to the patio with my coffee. It didn't seem to be helping, but considering my last twelve hours I didn't think they make a coffee strong enough. I was staring out to the lake when I heard the door slide open and out walked Jake dressed and showered.
“Good morning,” he said, and kissed my cheek as if it were any other morning. He pulled up a chair next to me and sat back. “Are you hungover at all?” he asked.
“No, I'm not.” Gosh, just the sight of him made me so angry. It was hard to believe that just hours ago, I was madly in love with him. Right now I was feeling rage like never before. My heart was thumping again, and I just wanted to get away from him.
“I’m not too bad either considering how much we drank. I’m surprised you didn’t have to throw up last night. Usually when you get that hammered you’re up puking a couple hours later,” he said with a smile, like he was funny.
“Actually, I did throw up last night. Twice,” I said. And I let that hang there for a minute. I looked over to him and got eye contact. Then I added, “You must not of heard me get up. It was about three.” I turned my eyes back to the lake and took a sip.
“Yeah, I guess I didn’t,” he said, and I could tell that his mind was racing. He looked like a deer in the head lights.
“Where are Mark and Lily?” he asked.
“They went on a walk in the woods. I think they had a lot to talk about. Mark was pretty upset with Lily this morning,” I said, while staring at the lake. “That was quite the fiasco last night.”
Jake and I sat there in uncomfortable silence for about thirty minutes. My mind was racing. I was so tired and my headache was still pounding. I didn't really know where to start, so I said nothing. I told him I was going to go lay down. Maybe I’d be able to sleep if he’s wasn't laying next to me. I laid down and closed my tear-filled eyes and I was out.
Three hours later, I woke up. I couldn't believe I slept that long. I was still behind a few hours but wanted to get up. I made my way to the fridge for a bottled water and noticed the house was very quiet. I went outside and looked around to see where everyone was at. I spotted Mark and Jake in the back yard near our Jeep, talking. They looked like they are having a very intense conversation. Both men were sweating through their shirts, and Mark was pacing. Jake was using a lot of hand gestures and looked like his blood pressure was through the roof. I guess Mark must have found out.
I walked out the front door, Mark noticed me and said something to Jake, and they had a quick discussion I know they didn’t want me to hear. Jake nodded and turned around and looked at me. He looked like he’d been out for a run. I guess getting busted having an affair with your best friend's girl turns the body’s internal temperature up. He was literally sweating it. Good, I was so angry, and full of piss and vinegar I wanted him to suffer the hurt like I did. On the other hand I felt sorry for him. He looked really lost and worried. I kind of wanted to hold him. But I hated him so bad, I wouldn't.
“What’s going on?�
� I calmly asked, “Where’s Lily?” Jake looked at Mark, who looked awful, like he’d just been hit by a truck. Mark’s eyes looked like they had a lot to say but he stayed quiet. It almost looked like he was pleading with Jake. Jake faced me straight on and stumbled over his words.
“Look, Sara, there’s something we need to tell you,” Jake said. He reached for my shoulder, and I stepped back. Do not touch me. He looked surprised by my reaction. “Can we go sit down on the patio?” he asked. We all walked to the patio. Jake looked at Mark who was sitting down next to me and wasn't saying a word. He was bent forward with his face in his hands. I put my hand on Mark's back and rubbed gently. I felt bad for him. He loved Lily so much, and she totally betrayed him. She betrayed me too, but Mark loved her on a much deeper level. What a mess.
“Okay, Jake, what is it?” I said, showing no emotion. I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at him. He looked really uncomfortable, like he was struggling to find the right words. Finally, after a few breaths and glances at my face, which was stone cold, he spat out his confession.
7
Sara . . . I'm so sorry to tell you this . . . I never meant for anyone to get hurt. I don’t know what I was thinking . . . or what I was doing. I made a horrible mistake. I need you to know that none of this was intended to hurt you.”
He struggled with each sentence, and I let him. Then he started crying and taking deep breaths and naturally, I cried with him. No one cries alone in my presence. As much as I hated him, I didn’t like to see him cry. I had this urge to reach out and touch him and tell him it would be okay but I fought it hard. I loved him and hated him all at the same time. I didn’t ever want to see him again, but I really needed my Jake right now. This person sitting in front of me was a stranger, and I missed my Jake. This was going to be the worse day of my life, and normally I would run to Jake for support, but I couldn’t in this situation because he was the cause, the monster that handed me all this pain, stole my life, my husband, and my best friend from me. I couldn’t believe the person I loved more than anyone else in the whole world would do this to me. Why? What had I done to deserve this. How long had our relationship been a lie?
He finally he blurted out, “Lily and I are having an affair.” He looked at me, and he was crying pretty hard. I kept calm and nodded, tears rolling down my cheeks, but I would not give him the satisfaction of seeing me break down. Stay strong, Sara, I repeated to myself over and over.
“Okay then,” I responded. I took a few deep breaths and looked over to Mark. I rubbed his back again and told him that I was sorry for his hurt. Then I stood up from the table. “Where’s Lily?” I asked, “Does she know that we know?”
“Yes,” Mark answered, “she told me on our walk a little bit ago. Then she got back and took the car and left. She said she never wanted to talk to me again,” he added in between sobs.
“Mark, I’m so sorry.” Jake said, shaking his head. “I don’t know what to do to fix this.”
“You can’t, Jake, you stupid son of a bitch! You can never fix this!” he yelled. “You’re no longer my friend. I fucking hate you, you lying, cheating bastard!” Then, Mark stood up and looked like he was going to attack Jake, so I placed myself between them. I thought Mark had every right to punch Jake in the face, but I didn’t want to see it.
“Well, I’d like to leave, too. So if you two want to get your things together, we can drive back. Let’s get everything packed and leave right now, and Jake, when we get home, you’ll get your things from the apartment and leave, forever. We’re done.” I said, very calmly. I surprised myself at how well I was handling it. He nodded and put his head down.
Less than an hour later, we were packed into the Jeep that had the cargo of four people. Lily had taken nothing with her when she left. She just grabbed the keys and took off. We locked the cabin when we left, and I called Harold, the manager, to let him know that we departed early because of a family emergency. I drove, mostly because I needed something to do besides think about everything. Jake sat in the back and Mark in the front. No one spoke the whole way except when I suggested that Jake call his girlfriend and let her know that he had her stuff and the cabin was locked. He dialed and said that he left a voice mail because she didn’t answer. It took over two hours to get back, and by the time we got home my eyes, head, and stomach had had enough for the day, and it was only four.
I dropped Mark and all his cargo at his apartment and asked him if he wanted Lily’s stuff. He said no. Jake and I both helped him carry his stuff in.
Jake set the last of the load down in the entry, “Mark . . . I'm so sorry . . . I’ll call later,” Jake said.
“Don’t bother,” Mark told him as he walked out the door.
I gave Mark a big, long, tight, hug. “I'm sorry,” I said to him. He nodded. “Call me tomorrow if you want to talk,” I added.
“I will,” he said and kissed my cheek. I walked out, tears flowing again. Back in the parking lot, I hauled myself into the Jeep. Jake was sitting shot gun, but I didn’t acknowledge him, I just drove silently to our apartment. I parked by our other vehicle, a newer Grand Prix. I told him I’d be taking the Jeep, and he could have the Grand Prix, so he could load his stuff in there. He didn’t argue, and we walked up to the apartment. He walked into our bedroom and sat down on the side of the bed and started crying hard. I went into the bathroom and had a talk with myself in the mirror. When I was pulled together enough, I came out and told him to get going.
“Jake,” I said in a firm and steady voice, “I really don’t want to drag this out into a night of drama. Please just get what you need and go. You can come back later for the rest of your stuff, when I'm not here. You can take anything that was solely yours and make a list of anything that was ours that you’re interested in and send me a copy, I’ll look it over and give it to my lawyer. And, Jake, get a lawyer right away, I plan to push this through quickly.”
“Sara, please, can we talk?” he begged.
“No, Jake, there’s nothing to say. It’s over. You and Lily can have the life you always dreamed of now. I hope she makes you happy, Jake, I really do.” I said, without any tears. I hoped he'd leave soon because I didn’t know how much longer I could keep this up.
“Okay, I’ll go. Not because I want to, but because you want me to,” he said.
Seriously? “Aw, thanks, Jake, for thinking of me and my feelings. You’re great. Such a sweet husband,” I replied with as much sarcasm as I could fit in. “Just get what you need and get out.”
He got up from the bed and grabbed a duffel bag from the closet. In the kitchen I gathered a bottled water and couple Tylenol. I debated calling my mom. If I did, she’d probably rush right over, and I didn’t really know if I wanted company right then. Normally I would call Lily, but I wouldn’t be doing that either. I felt really alone. It seriously felt like someone had ripped out my insides. It felt different just to breathe. I sat down at the kitchen table and started thinking about how long a divorce took and all the repercussions that went with it. I was not looking forward to the next few months. I hoped Jake wouldn't fight me on anything or drag it out. If he didn't fight it, I had friends at the office that would put a rush on it for me. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I fought back more tears.
Thank God for Grans’s inheritance. At least I didn’t have to worry about paying the bills. I didn’t know how people made it work financially after a divorce. The cost of the divorce alone could cripple a person but how did anyone afford their own place, car and all your other expenses in this day in age? Thank goodness we didn’t have children. We didn’t have children now . . . and we never would. A couple more tears escaped. Jake and I had been together for so long, we had grown into adults together, and we always planned to raise a family. I had mentally pictured him so many times holding our babies, now there would never be any little Martin babies. That thought made a bunch more tears come.
We had talked just recently about starting a family in the near fu
ture, but we wanted to see where the inheritance would take us first. We didn’t know for sure if we would move or stay, work or not, or maybe travel the world. Everything was so up in the air, we decided to wait until we were more sure of our long-term plans. Or maybe Jake was too busy planning his future with Lily. That thought took my breath away. I wondered if they talked about children. I remembered her saying recently that she wanted to get married and have kids soon, she just didn’t know if Mark was the guy she wanted to do that with. Sick, I sat there and listened to her gripe, when all the while she was moving in on my life.
Now everything was changed. I felt really ripped off. My life had been stopped and destroyed without my permission. I had dreams, plans, goals, and a husband who I’d made these with and now, nothing. It was all gone. I was so angry. I needed to scream and cry, but I didn't want to do it in front of him. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction.
Jake slowly came into the kitchen and dropped his duffel bag by the door. He slithered over and knelt down by my feet. He reached for my hands and looked into my eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Sara. I never meant to hurt you,” he said from his knees. “I don’t know what came over me. This has been the worse thing I’ve ever done. I’ve hurt so many people and I've become someone I despise. I can’t even stand to look in the mirror at myself. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I just want you to know that it was a huge mistake, and I’m so sorry that you were hurt in all this,” he cried. “I never meant to hurt you, Sara. I know what I've done. I've lost a wife who was loving and faithful, kind, compassionate, successful and so beautiful, inside and out. Sara, I love you so much. I don’t want to lose you. Please don’t file. I'll do whatever it takes to fix this. Please just give it some thought and time,” he whined some more.
I was tearing up but telling myself not to break down. I felt bad for him. I didn’t want him to hurt. I hated seeing him like this. I wished a hug would fix everything. Then suddenly, I got an image of them last night on the patio table, and then an image of us on the island counter in the kitchen. Wow, he had quite the weekend, Lily, too. Ugh!
Lost and Found: Sara Martin Series Page 5
