The New Topping Book

by Dossie Easton

  And how about you? How do you return to normal consciousness after you’ve been playing God? It’s a mistake to think that aftercare is offered for the bottom’s sake only. Many tops need this kind of warmth and reassurance as well, to remind them that they’re not really the mean nasty horrible bullies they were acting like just a few minutes before. And you probably don’t want to try running a staff meeting or driving the Indy 500 right after a scene, either; tops get endorphin-y, too, and bossy top energy – which can be a problem in the real world – can’t be turned off like a faucet.

  So share the cool-down cycle with your bottom. Luxuriate. If there’s something you like after a scene, let your bottom know, and help your bottom take care of you. If your orgasm is scheduled for after the scene, check in with your bottom to make sure she has recovered enough to make love to you with all the energy and focus you’ve been looking forward to – you’ll get the best treatment if you’re not in a hurry. Remember, you’re playing with someone you like (at least we hope you are!); take the time to enjoy her company as you float gently back to reality.

  10

  AND IF IT DOESN’T GO THE WAY YOU PLANNED?

  We believe that if you never ever ever have a scene go haywire, with unexpected physical or emotional consequences, you may not be taking enough risks. After all, the reason most of us do S/M is to explore territories that we find a little risky and challenging; if you’re sticking so close to the center of the trail that you never get lost in the woods, you may want to reconsider your pathway.

  The standard by which tops should be judged isn’t in whether their scenes ever go wrong (within, of course, basic standards of safety and consent); it’s in how well they handle it when things do go wrong. So let’s talk a bit about the kinds of things that cause problems in scenes, and how you can handle them when they come up.

  EMOTIONAL GLITCHES. In our experience, by far the most common scene mishap is an unforeseen emotional reaction on the part of a participant – panic, anger, grief, regression or other intense emotion. Freak-outs happen for a variety of reasons: flashbacks to buried memories of abuse or trauma; one or another partner “forgetting” that the scene is supposed to be playful and consensual, and getting the role and the reality confused; real-world emotion inadvertently sneaking into scene space: the possibilities are manifold.

  There is no way to reliably prevent emotional mishaps, but there are ways to minimize their frequency. Nobody knows themselves well enough to predict all their own reactions and hot buttons, but telling your partner about aspects of your background or belief system will help him or her to steer clear or navigate cautiously. (Yes, we’re off on that old honesty thing again.) Similarly, you should try to play with people who you trust to share this kind of information openly with you, so you don’t cavalierly snap your snazzy new Smith and Wesson handcuffs onto someone who was recently brutalized by an abusive cop. (This doesn’t mean you should never play around someone’s traumas, but it does mean you should do so only with proper negotiation, safeguards and cautions – see Chapter 14 for more information.)

  Still, with all the good intentions and good negotiations in the world, freak-outs will happen. And your first challenge as a top is to figure out when they’re happening, which may not always be as easy as it seems. Someone who’s freaking out may be unable to use their safeword, so you can’t rely on that signpost. A sudden and dramatic change in response – when someone who’s been thrashing and screaming suddenly gets quiet and still, or someone who’s been acting happy and turned on suddenly begins to cry or struggle – is cause for concern. So is an unwillingness or inability to respond to simple questions or directions. A freak-out may be subtler than that… Janet remembers:

  I was doing a scene with a regular but still fairly new play partner – basically a straightforward cock &ball torture scene, although we’d been discussing beforehand his fantasy about being a captive soldier getting tortured by an Indian maiden. Things were going along fine for an hour or so. I noticed at one point, though, that he had turned his head so that we were no longer making eye contact, and he didn’t seem to be talking much. I asked, “Are you still with me?” and he responded in sort of an odd voice, “I’m not sure…” so I got him out of the bondage fast. Later, he explained that the fantasy had started to seem real to him – he was really beginning to believe that he was going to be tortured slowly to death – and that any safewords or similar communication would have been perceived by his “torturer” as a sign of weakness, so all he dared do was turn his head and hope that if it really was still me, I’d notice.

  Unfortunately, most of the signs that something has gone wrong can, under other circumstances or with other bottoms, be signs that everything is going exactly right: some bottoms love to cry in scene, and a bottom who’s left his or her body in bliss acts pretty much like one who’s withdrawn in terror. So to find out what’s going on, you have to ask.

  First, try one of the check-ins we mentioned in the previous chapter. If your bottom can’t or won’t respond, you should probably assume that he’s in trouble.

  Your strategy now will be a stronger version of the decompression you use at the end of a scene. First, get out of role yourself – your bottom doesn’t need a schoolmistress right now, he needs a friend. Quickly and calmly remove any bondage or restraints; find out if he wants any scene symbols such as collars removed – some bottoms want them off right away, while others may feel rejected and abandoned if you remove them. Make sure he is physically warm – being wrapped in a cozy blanket feels very good to someone who’s feeling emotionally chaotic.

  Then, just put your arms around your partner and wait. Don’t try to initiate conversation at first unless he seems to want to talk; let your bottom come back from whatever scary or angry or sad place he’s in at an appropriate pace. It may be difficult at this point to suppress your own need for reassurance – you may, quite understandably, be feeling very scared and guilty – but now isn’t the time to take care of you, it’s the time to take care of your bottom. Later, when he is feeling better, you can get some support for yourself.

  As the bottom starts to come back, he may want to talk about what went wrong, or he may just want to be taken care of some more. Supplying a snack to elevate blood sugar and a beverage to rehydrate is very smart. He might want to be put to bed to sleep off the stress of the freak-out, or to be given a nice warm bath.

  In a few cases, the bottom may have gone into an angry enough place that he isn’t able to accept touch or conversation or nurturing from you at all. This will probably be very difficult for you to handle without tapping into anger or defensiveness of your own. Leave the room for a while if necessary and let your bottom work through the anger solo; don’t push limits here. After a while, you can check in and see if he is calmed down a bit and ready to accept some help from you.

  It is possible that an emotional mishap in scene may open up an old wound that is deep enough to require professional help from a therapist. While we do not believe that you have an obligation to help with the financial burdens of such therapy, we think it’s appropriate for you to be as emotionally supportive as possible for a friend who is doing this difficult work.

  PHYSICAL MISHAPS. Unless you have aim like Annie Oakley’s and you play only with bottoms who are in perfect health, it is reasonable to be prepared for physical problems to come up during your scene. These may range from strokes that land off-target or clamps that get placed on tender nerves to heart attacks and seizures.

  If the physical problem is due to a mistake of yours, the way to handle it depends on the flavor of the scene you’re playing. It’s imperative, though, that you acknowledge the mistake somehow – if the bottom thinks you’re not aware that you goofed, she will start to wonder what else you’re not noticing, and to withdraw trust from you.

  If you’re simply exploring sensations together, there’s nothing at all wrong with saying “Oops!” or “Sorry!” But if you’re supposed to be an all-
knowing mistress or a terrifying interrogator, this won’t cut it. Sometimes, simply putting your hand on the place where the mistake happened and giving a quick comforting rub is enough to let the bottom know that you’re aware things didn’t feel the way they were supposed to. If you’re really playing a mean role, you might try a phrase like “Yes, that did hurt, didn’t it?” (Maniacal laughter is optional.)

  If you make too many mistakes, or they’re too serious, the bottom may want to stop the scene – and who can blame her? Spend a lot of time with this bottom deciding how to process your mistakes and whether or not to use this technique again, today or ever. Then get in a lot of practice time with the technique, on yourself or on an inanimate object, so you don’t make so many mistakes next time.

  If the mistake is such that it requires first aid, don’t try to stay in role – stop the scene and get your first aid kit. The two of you can decide together whether or not to resume the scene from where you left off.

  Remember, the unwritten contract you make when you agree to top someone is that you will take care of her well-being as well as your own for the duration of the scene – if she gets sick or hurt, you’re in charge, and good tops take that responsibility seriously. Very rarely, you will encounter a genuine physical emergency in your scene: common ones include nausea and/or vomiting, faints and falls; less common ones (thank heavens!) include seizures and heart attacks. A responsible top is prepared for these emergencies.

  Don’t put someone into standing bondage unless you know how you would get her down if she became faint – this is not too rare an occurrence. Panic snaps and winches can help. Keep appropriate shears, scissors or a knife at arm’s reach so that you can cut a sick person out of her bondage in no more than 30 seconds to a minute. Know the location and phone number of your nearest emergency room. We also strongly encourage you to get proper first aid and cardiopulmonary resuscitation training. Some major urban areas offer pervert-only first aid and CPR training, but even if yours doesn’t, contact the Red Cross and take one or more of their regular classes.

  OUTSIDE-WORLD EMERGENCIES. We know of one scene in which the top, a professional dominant, had her client tied in elaborate spiderweb bondage to a table, with a big glass mirror suspended overhead so he could see his own helplessness. Both the top and the bottom shortly had the opportunity to explore more helplessness than they’d bargained for – the Loma Prieta quake hit, the mirror began to lurch back and forth, and the lights went out. (Both of them got out okay – but we hear that the pro-domme’s playroom now features a Mylar mirror overhead, a blackout light in the outlet, and a pair of paramedic shears hanging on the wall.)

  The outside world doesn’t always cooperate with your desire for a quiet, intense, uninterrupted scene, and a competent top is aware that reality sneaks up on us in unpredictable ways. Outside-world problems range from interruptions by non-scene folks – kids, parents, housemates, neighbors and so on – through “acts of god/dess” like fires, storms, earthquakes and power outages.

  If your scene gets interrupted by a person, some quick explanations are in order. A child who walks in on his or her parents’ scene can often be reassured with a comparison to childhood games such as cowboys and Indians. The neighborhood cop, however, may need some serious briefing on basic standards of consent, and a lot of assurance that what he’s seeing isn’t abusive or assaultive behavior. Kidnap and similar scenes occasionally get interrupted by well-meaning onlookers – try to do your scene in a way that avoids this problem, since you don’t want someone genuinely attacking you thinking they’re heroically saving your bottom from criminal assault.

  If the interruption is on a less personal basis – say, Hurricane Dora – you’ll have to think and act fast and accurately. Be prepared to undo bondage, and have clothing available for yourself and your bottom. Remember, your bottom has entrusted his wellbeing to you.

  AFTERSHOCKS (NOT THE SEISMIC KIND)

  When you return to everyday awareness after even a very good scene, you could get a little shocked. What did you just do? Was it all right? Many tops experience feelings of guilt, shame and horror that we could get so turned on, and so satisfied, by doing such awful things. You may need to reassure yourself that you are really an okay person, and that you have perfectly functional boundaries to your dark side. Let your bottom help you with this: she, after all, is eroticized to your nastiness, and in a good position to reassure you that the scene was consensual, safe, satisfying to the bottom, and just plain hot.

  Anywhere from a few minutes to a day or two after a big scene, some tops experience “top drop.” You may feel down in the dumps, inadequate, like maybe the scene really wasn’t as hot as you thought it was – sometimes being a successful top can pose a major challenge to the maintenance of low self-esteem, so whatever part of you is responsible for maintaining your self-doubt may feel a need to be heard. You may find yourself questioning your sanity, tearing your scene apart with a tremendously critical eye, or convincing yourself that your bottom was just being polite when she was swooning in ecstasy. Or you may just feel kind of used up, low and tired.

  This happens to a lot of us (it happens to bottoms, too, in a different way), so think of it like postpartum depression: you were just really high, so now the pendulum has swung the other way… and it will get back to the middle soon, really it will. This might be a good time to remind yourself of your respect for limits and safety, and to call your bottom or any other friend for a little reassurance.

  Coming out of a role that is in any way parental (and how many top roles are not?) may be particularly difficult, as you may wake up internalized messages from your actual parents. When you get self-critical you may feel like a little kid who did something wrong – which makes it harder to stay centered, grounded and empowered.

  Occasionally playing parents or bullies can open up old stuff inside you that you may not even remember having buried years ago. Memories and feelings from childhood traumas can cause particular problems, manifesting as memories you never had before, or recollections of body sensations, or disturbing dreams. If this starts happening to you, consider finding a good therapist. When events in the present open up fossilized conflicts, we all perceive this as confusing, painful or perhaps frightening. Please remember that when old wounds open it means a buried part of ourselves is now available to our consciousness, so there is an opportunity for healing, by knowing ourselves better and reclaiming parts of ourselves we may have had to abandon long ago.

  11

  TOYS FOR TOPS

  Tops’ toy collections can range from nothing at all – it’s possible to do excellent S/M using nothing but your body and your imagination – through vast accumulations occupying several rooms of a household. Choosing toys that are appropriate to your play style and level of experience is a craft in itself: a classic novice’s error is to choose hideous nasty vicious toys that no bottom in his right mind would allow an inexperienced top to use.

  In cookbooks, kitchen equipment is known as the batterie de cuisine: a beginning cook is given a list of tools and supplies to start with, and a supplementary list of stuff to acquire later on for the master chef. We will do the same.

  A BASIC TOY SELECTION

  These basic toys are a “starter set”; we think they’re the best tools to go out and buy as you begin your toy collection. Very few of them are likely to cost you more than $40 or so, and if you’re on a budget, you can often figure out less expensive alternatives that you can create from household supplies or find at the thrift store, supermarket or hardware store. So, to get you started, we recommend:

  ROPE. Choose something soft, washable and at least 3/8" thick; finish the ends with a piece of tape or stitch them with thread so they won’t fray. Some folks swear by cotton magician’s rope or soft nylon rope from the hardware store. Marine supply stores and mountain-climbing stores offer an enormous selection of excellent rope in different sizes, textures and colors. If you’re just getting started, try 12-foot
lengths of several different kinds and experiment with which you like best. Once you settle on one or two kinds, you’ll probably want at least four 12-foot lengths; you’ll probably want to add a couple of shorter or longer lengths once you learn more about what kinds of bondage you like to do.

  RESTRAINTS. Unless you’re very clever with knots, you’ll find that a set of bondage cuffs for the wrists, and ideally a second set for the ankles, are a good investment. Try them on yourself before buying; tug the rings in all different directions to see if anything digs in or chafes, or if the cuff twists out of shape. Leather is nice if you can afford it, but there are good cuffs of nylon webbing which are strong and cheap. We don’t recommend handcuffs or metal cuffs for beginners.

  BLINDFOLD. The blindfold is a toy of such astonishing virtue that we had to set aside some space to talk about it. A blindfold can be a folded scarf or an Ace bandage, a nightshade from the drugstore or an elaborate leather mask from the toy store: no matter, they all work great.

  To understand the power of the blindfold, try one on yourself. Feel the change in your state of consciousness, how quiet you become when you take away the busy distractions of sight, how your consciousness moves away from the verbal entrainment of thought, how time passes in an easy flow in the trance of sensory deprivation.

  It is a powerful act to take away someone’s vision, to make him helpless, to make him dependent on you for most kinds of functioning. You can accentuate this feeling by taking your blindfolded bottom for a walk, or sending him to the bathroom in the darkness. Stay nearby, don’t let your bottom fall.

  There are practical advantages to blindfolding your bottom: then he can’t see you fumble with the toys, or grab a clip to get your hair out of your eyes. We know a top who wears six-inch heels to tower over her bottoms, which she removes as soon as they can’t see her anymore. So the blindfold offers privacy to the top, and relieves the bottom of the distractions of dealing with the material world. Check with your bottom before slipping on a blindfold, particularly if the two of you are new to one another – some bottoms find them too threatening for first-time play, and some need to take out their contact lenses first.