The New Topping Book

by Dossie Easton

  Within those rules, though, there is still room for fun. Many folks who like electricity use TENS (transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation) devices, a medical gadget used to help relieve chronic pain, for sensations ranging from extremely mild through moderately strong. Some manufacturers have modified TENS units for scene play and created specialized attachments – butt plugs and cock rings and such – a big investment but very pleasant to play with. Relaxacisors (a quackish weight-loss gadget from the ’40s and ’50s) deliver a stronger sensation. Tasers and cattle prods are extremely strong, too much so for most players – we don’t recommend them unless your bottom is in good health and both of you have had lots of experience with less intense forms of electricity play.

  A special case is the “violet wand” – another medical device, once thought to help with such problems as baldness. The violet wand delivers a different form of electricity that stays primarily on the surface of the skin, so it’s the only electricity toy that’s considered safe for use above the waist, although you should keep it away from the eyes. The sensation feels a bit like the shock you get from walking across a wool carpet and touching a doorknob, except it goes on and on and…. Again, a big investment, but the folks who love these really love them.

  TOYS FOR TURNING ON AND GETTING OFF. While many people play without genital sex, we’re strong advocates for having as much sex as possible – so our toy collections tend to include lots of gadgets for getting people aroused and giving them orgasms.

  Dildoes and butt plugs give bottoms (and tops!) that wonderful filled-up feeling that makes orgasms so much more worthwhile. Assholes in particular do not take well to being harshly stretched – insert plugs and such only after plenty of preparatory finger play, v-e-r-y gradually and gently, and don’t go for the Guinness book on plug size unless you know your bottom can handle it. Use lots and lots and lots and lots of lube (one top we know says “If there isn’t lube dripping from the ceiling, you haven’t used enough”). If anything burns or creates a sharp or tearing pain, stop immediately – either fix the situation that’s causing the pain, or move on to another activity. Butt toys need to have a wide flange at the bottom so they don’t get lost in the rectum – a lost toy is at best uncomfortable and embarrassing, and at worst a serious emergency.

  Vaginas are less picky about what gets inserted in them, although scrupulous cleanliness is essential for anything that goes into a vagina. Still, the sensation of being hurt or bumped deep inside is not erotic to most women. We suggest that if you like to play with dildoes and other insertables, you acquire a few different sizes and shapes, and keep track of which bottoms like which – or, better yet, encourage your bottoms to own their own dildoes that are exactly the size and shape they like, and that get used only on them.

  Toys can give you genitals other than the ones nature gave you. If you have a vagina, you can strap on a penis, or insert one into yourself and still have one left over for a friend. If you want a bigger or harder penis, open the drawer and take one out. Ever wish you had a penis on your leg, or your face? Or that you could have two penises, one for each hole? Use your imagination – and your MasterCard.

  Cocks like constriction. Those veins we see on the outside of a penis are the exit path for the blood that makes erections; the arteries that bring the blood in are buried deep inside. Many men find that when you constrict from the outside, with, for instance, a cock ring, or some bondage made with thin rope, or a few condoms, the amount of blood in the cock increases – and so does the erection. Some men also love the sensation of having their balls pulled away from the body, and tops who play with such men often stock special devices called “parachutes” and weights for this purpose – heavy brass bells are particularly charming, although Janet once improvised a ball weight from a tube sock and a jar of pennies. Although we lack the proper equipment to confirm these reports, we are told such activities feel good. We are told this appreciatively. Enthusiastically. Loudly.

  Own lots of lube. Yes, good water-based lube is expensive – but you paid more for that half-gallon of premium ice cream you polished off last week, and we bet you didn’t enjoy it half as much. Lube is important for good sex and essential for good safer sex. Don’t be stingy.

  TOYS FOR ROLE-PLAYING. For tops and bottoms, every day can be Halloween. Role-playing doesn’t have to involve specialized toys or costumes – imagination and creativity can certainly suffice – but we think half the fun of a role-playing scene is the trip to the thrift store beforehand. (Well, maybe a quarter of the fun.)

  If you play with one role a lot, you may want to consider getting toys, props and costumes appropriate to that role. Daddies may wear big threatening leather belts. Bitch goddesses lace themselves into shiny tight corsets and spike-heeled shoes. Interrogators and rapists hide their features with masks or hoods. Pirates wear high boots and dashing shirts. Schoolmistresses have long frumpy skirts and high-necked blouses and whippy scary canes. If you like to train puppies, you’ll need collars and bowls and rolled-up newspapers; if you prefer ponies, get some bridles and crops and maybe an insertable tail or two.

  Your role-playing costumes and props serve a dual function: they help you and your bottoms get into the mood when you’re actually playing, and they signal your particular role interest to potential bottoms. So get yourself over to the thrift store or costume shop and have fun!

  TOYS FOR THE ROAD

  Unless you’re prepared to haul a steamer trunk along to every play date (and some tops do exactly that), you’ll probably want to think about developing a portable toy kit.

  Of course, “portable” is relative. Both of us usually use a softball bag from the sporting goods store for carrying our toys to parties and demonstrations. But we also like to be able to drop a few small toys into our purses, just in case.

  One player we know uses a small zippered bag, about 8" x 10" x 3", for his portable toybag. It contains a couple of lengths of rope, a mini-whip made of four leather thongs folded in half and rubber-banded together at the fold (which can also be disassembled if he or his partner wants to use the thongs individually), and a few clothespins. Safer sex is taken care of with several latex gloves in his size, a few condoms and some individual-sized packets of lubricant. Emergency supplies include a small flashlight and a pair of paramedic’s shears. There’s still plenty of room left over for whatever specialized small equipment he wants for any particular session – a lightweight collar, a small tube of hot cream, a mini-vibrator, a cock ring or whatever.

  If you’re traveling by air – and especially through customs – you’ll have to do some serious thinking about what to take with you. For domestic travel, bags that get checked through as luggage aren’t usually inspected closely, although these days random searches are much more common than they were when we wrote the first edition of this book. If you carry your bag onto the plane, it will be inspected – if you’re carrying anything they think is dangerous, which typically includes all sharp objects, heavy striking objects like clubs and chains, and many whips, they’ll take it away from you and you won’t get it back. We suggest either checking your toys or having a freight service ship them ahead of you.

  Customs agents for overseas travel may be very cool about your toys – or not. We’ve heard some scary stories. If you’re traveling to a very conservative or sex-negative country, we think you should probably stick to toys that have real-world uses: clothesline, clothespins, hairbrushes, belts, candles and so on.

  Consider shipping any toys you buy overseas home separately. On the other hand, on her first trip to Germany Dossie packed no toys and no studded clothes, only to discover a leather store right in the Frankfurt airport. If you have a friendly travel agent, she may be able to advise you further about whether you’re likely to get hassled.

  MAINTAINING TOYS

  Well-maintained toys are clean, free of breakage or flaws, and a joy to use. Poorly maintained toys can cause injury and spread disease, and signal to the world that you�
��re a sloppy top who doesn’t care about your bottoms. You wouldn’t go to a play date with dirty hair and smelly armpits; your toys deserve at least as much attention as your body does.

  Any toy that you suspect has come into contact with body fluids needs to be cleaned – and if you’re not positive that it hasn’t, clean it again. Rubber toys, metal toys and toys of manmade materials like silicone and plastic can be lightly handwashed using a cleanser like Hibiclens and warm water, then soaked for half an hour in a solution of one part household chlorine bleach to nine parts water. Leather toys should be cleaned using leather cleaner, left to air-dry for at least a day, then reconditioned, before being used on another bottom. The exact technique will depend on the type of leather; you can check with the store or craftsperson that sold it to you. Toys made of plant materials like rattan and wood should be varnished if they are likely to come into contact with various bottoms’ body fluids. If such a toy gets fluids on it, clean it thoroughly with nonoxynol-9-containing toy cleanser, or with soap and water and then a liberal wipe of hydrogen peroxide. I, then rinse thoroughly (some people have sensitive skins that may be irritated by such chemicals). If you suspect that the fluids may have gotten under the varnish, sand the varnish off, do the soap-water-peroxide thing, let it dry thoroughly, then re-varnish it. It’s a good idea to let any toy that is difficult to clean dry thoroughly, in the sunlight if possible, for a few weeks before using it on a different person.

  Inspect all your toys frequently for cracks, weak spots, raveled stitching, etc. If you find a problem, fix it promptly, and if you don’t have time right then, set the toy aside where it can’t possibly get mixed up with the toys you might use. If a toy can’t be repaired, discard it.

  Play-test bondage equipment and eyebolts periodically by having someone heavy try them out. If something seems creaky or wobbly, fix it before you play with it again.

  SOME FINAL THOUGHTS ON TOYS

  As the old saying goes, “Size doesn’t matter” – toybag size, that is. No knowledgeable bottom judges a top on how many toys he has. Tops get judged on their skill, creativity, character and ethics, not on their stuff.

  If you’re a “gear queer” who enjoys collecting dozens or hundreds of cool toys, and you’re not bankrupting yourself to do it, we applaud you – we love beautiful toys, own a lot ourselves, and have friends whose collections are practically museum-quality. You’re also helping to keep our leatherworker friends, a vital link in the community, busy creating instruments of joy. But don’t forget: your partner is bottoming to you, not your toys… and that’s exactly the way you want it, right?

  interlude 4

  A first-time topping scene played by a bottom and her friends.

  This scene happened not long after I came out into S/M. I had broken up with my first S/M partner, Rick, a few months previously, and with great care and some trepidation, we had recently resumed our play relationship, with no intention of becoming partners again. Our preferred roles in scene, he the ravishing top, me the helpless bottom, fit together just about perfectly, and indeed, after this story we continued to play as friends for another nine years.

  At that time I was also playing with a professional dominatrix named Celia, an intimidating relationship for me, since she had so much more experience and seemed so free and confident in her S/M. I was quite overawed.

  One afternoon the three of us got together to videotape a discussion of S/M that we hoped would be useful information for people who didn’t understand our sexual practices. After a few hours of talking about sex and play, the erotic tension began to mount and it became clear that all three of us wanted to play together.

  You would think that a greedy girl like me would be a happy little piglet at the thought of bottoming to both of my tops, but in fact I was terrified. The emotional connections between the three of us were complicated and tender, and I could not figure out how this scene would work.

  We went out for dinner, and it was there that a new vision came to me, a desire I had never before felt. I started topping both of them. Fussed over how they lit my cigarettes, felt them up under the table, sent Rick to the bathroom with a conspicuous erection. The restaurant was in the gay part of town, and the waiters understood perfectly well what was going on, and indeed, helped out by exaggerating the formality of the service and waiting patiently while Celia made sure my plate was perfectly arranged, while she pretended she was not affected by my foot exploring her crotch, again under the table. Both she and Rick were startled but eager to encourage my new behavior. I felt excited and curiously confident, as if I had entered a trance in which it was clear that nothing could go wrong.

  During dinner Rick and Celia, amazed, stayed very quiet. I kept the conversation going by asking intrusive questions: “How does your cunt feel right now?” “Is your ass clean for me?” This is my rude and toppish version of negotiation: I make threats, the bottom(s) indicate acquiescence or limits in their responses. For instance: “My cunt is throbbing and eager for you, Ma’am.” “My asshole is a little sore from last night, I might have to offer it slowly and carefully.”

  Back at Celia’s place, the toys were all still spread out for the show and tell part of our video. We had been talking about them all afternoon, so I had a good idea of what might interest either of them, and where limits might be found. I made them take each other’s clothes off – slowly. I interrupted from time to time to slow them down even further, instructing them to get each other as turned on as they could while each article of clothing was removed.

  Then I had Celia remove my panties, again slowly and sensuously, very seductive on her knees in front of me. I had to punish her for getting too eager about sniffing my cunt, slapping her upturned face while she promised to behave herself. I told her to do nothing she was not told to do.

  I sent her off to the kitchen for refreshments while I had Rick clear the bed and lay the toys out as I liked them. Celia served tea very prettily, on her knees, careful to give me just the right amount of sugar and cream.

  Rick was endowed with a dick as big around as my wrist, and long enough to make taking all of it in somewhat of a challenge. He also needed to fuck quite vigorously for a long time to get off. (It’s a very good thing that we like challenges.) So the meat of the scene, if you’ll pardon the expression, consisted of me ordering Rick to fuck Celia, with me counting cadence, ordering them to follow my rhythm, and turning them over and over so I could flog first one exposed ass and then the other. Later Celia told me she felt as if I was fucking her, and beating her, with Rick’s huge cock. That archaic word from Victorian porn, “bludgeon,” constitutes an perfect description of the nature of the scene.

  How did I feel? Triumphant. I hadn’t known I had that in me. I felt powerful and sexy and on top of the world, or at least on top of my two lovers. And I felt a fulfillment of another part of myself, grateful to discover that I could top. I could do it myself, no longer totally dependent on the energy of someone else, no longer waiting impatiently for somebody else to manifest some desire, I could make a scene happen myself. Power! Freedom!

  Although my primary role in S/M continues to be the hapless bottom, wickedly tormented, I have never given up topping. And never will.

  12

  FINDING OTHERS

  FIRST THINGS FIRST. Many tops make what we think is a big mistake – they set out looking for bottoms, maybe only for bottoms of a particular type.

  Why is that a mistake, you ask? Well, because it takes a lot more than a bottom to be a top. It takes a set of techniques that will enable you to do what you do with skill and confidence. It takes a sense of the many ways BDSM can work out in real life, as opposed to the ideas you’ve probably encountered in fiction and videos. And it takes the support of a network of more experienced tops, bottoms and switches to introduce you around, help you when you encounter difficulties, and coach you on the etiquette and customs of this strange new environment. In other words, it takes a community. So when you attend your firs
t munch or club meeting, tear your eyes away from the people who look like potential play partners, and start looking around for people who look like the kind of top you want to be, because those are the people who can help you become that kind of top.

  VIRTUAL COMMUNITIES. Since we wrote the first edition of this book, the Internet has become the main venue in which players from around the world can meet, flirt, make friends, exchange ideas and become part of one another’s lives.

  If you’re reading this, it’s a pretty safe bet that you’ve already spent a bit of time on the ’Net – these days it’s the first exposure many people get to the world of kink. But if you haven’t, allow us to recommend that you do so immediately; if you can’t afford your own computer, you can arrange to use one in a café or library. Being ’Net-illiterate in this day and age could cost you knowledge, social opportunities and quite possibly partners.

  Whether you decide to explore websites, newsgroups, chatrooms, and/or private mailing lists – all of which we discussed in some detail in The New Bottoming Book – keep in mind that the virtual BDSM world has its good points and its bad points. On-line interaction is a relatively low-risk way to exchange ideas, learn new philosophies and techniques, discuss issues, ask for help with problems, experiment with different personae, and flirt with anyone who’s willing to flirt back. If you use one of the Internet providers that allows you to have one or more “screen names,” it’s very difficult, often impossible, for anyone to find out your real identity… so if you feel too scared or shy or vulnerable to attend a real-world function, on-line interactions can be your lifeline to the kink world.