Her Last First Date

by Susan Mallery

  “I hate this game. It’s stupid.”

  Brandon grinned at her. “Come on, Crissy. You have to learn how to lose gracefully.”

  “Never. I pout when I lose.”

  They made it through the turning blades and down onto the second level of the hole. Crissy had been nervous about spending time with Brandon, but everything was going smoothly. He was easy to be with, she thought. A fun, funny, smart kid. Her kid.

  She felt a tightness inside. A longing and a powerful sense of regret. If only…

  She shook her head. If only what? If only she’d kept Brandon? If she had, he wouldn’t be this charming boy. He would be someone else. Who he was now was a result of Pete and Abbey’s influence. They had done so much for him. She would always be grateful. Yes, she had regrets, but they were selfishly about her. Knowing all she knew now, she wouldn’t wish for anything better for her son.

  He caught her looking at him and smiled. She smiled back.

  “I talked to Mom about what you said,” he told her. “About giving me up for adoption. I know you were trying to tell me that it wasn’t about me.”

  Her good mood evaporated. Oh God. Was he emotionally scarred? Angry? Depressed?

  “It wasn’t,” she said. “Do you understand that?”

  “Yeah. She explained it real well. She said it was like the difference between me, Emma and Hope. They’re a lot younger than me and can’t do stuff I can do. When they get older, they’ll be better at it, you know. You were young when you got pregnant. You didn’t know how to be a mom or raise a kid. It would have been hard for you and not very good for me. So you found someone who was ready to have a baby.”

  He shrugged. “It worked out for the best. I love my mom and dad. Now that you’re older, you can cope with me and we can be friends.”

  He sounded so rational and together, she thought, amazed and more grateful to Abbey than she could say.

  “So we’re okay?” she asked.

  He grinned. “Uh-huh. But Uncle Josh is going to brag about beating us for the rest of the day.”

  “We can’t let that happen. We’ll try harder.”

  “There’s no point,” Josh said smugly. “I’m in my element.”

  The rest of the time flew by. Crissy couldn’t believe it when she glanced at her watch and saw they were already ten minutes late returning Brandon. She called Abbey who was delighted the outing had gone so well, then herded both guys to her car and drove back.

  When they reached the house, Brandon jumped out. “That was fun,” he said. “Can we do it again?”

  “Absolutely. I was thinking one weekend we could go to an Angels game.”

  His eyes lit up. “That would be great. I love baseball.”

  “Me, too.”

  He ran around the car and threw his arms around her. Slowly, carefully, she hugged him back.

  He was tall and skinny, all bones and muscle. Not a little boy anymore but still her child. Emotions flooded her—mostly good ones, with a hint of sadness for what could never be recovered, even if she didn’t want it to be. Then he was running up to the house and going inside.

  “You okay?” Josh asked.

  Crissy nodded as she blinked. “I’m not going to cry. I’m not sad at all. I’m happy. It was just a lot to take in.”

  “He likes you.”

  “I like him.”

  “You’re going to be good for him. You’ll be someone he can go to for advice. When he grows up, he’ll talk about you to his kids and they’ll hear the love in his voice when he does.”

  She swallowed. “Trying not to cry here. You could help by not saying stuff like that.”

  “Sorry.”

  But he didn’t sound sorry. He sounded pleased.

  “Thanks for coming along,” she told him. “I was so scared.”

  “I know, but it worked out.”

  “Because you were there. It would have been awkward otherwise.”

  He moved close and kissed her on the forehead. “You’re doing great. Trust your instincts.”

  “I will.”

  He glanced at his watch. “I need to swing by the hospital. I want to check on a couple of kids. What are you going to do?”

  “Go thank Abbey for everything, then head home.”

  “I’ll call you later.”

  “I’d like that.”

  When he’d driven off, Crissy walked up to the house and knocked on the front door. Abbey let her in.

  “Brandon can’t stop talking about what a great time he had with you. You’ve made a fan.”

  Crissy impulsively hugged her. “Because of you, Abbey. I can’t thank you enough. You’ve been great.”

  Abbey hugged her back, then waved her toward the kitchen. “I’ll take the praise because I like it, but you’re making too big a deal out of this. I just did what anyone else would do.”

  “I don’t think so. You’ve been amazingly generous. Brandon told me what you said to him, about why I gave him up for adoption. He understood perfectly. You always know exactly what to say.”

  “I wish.” She walked over to the sink and washed her hands, then dried them, rubbed them with flour and began kneading dough.

  Crissy had heard about the process of baking bread, but she’d never seen it before. “You do that a lot, don’t you?”

  “A couple of times a week. It’s how I relax.”

  “I go for a jog or eat ice cream.”

  “I can get behind the ice cream suggestion. As for the whole jogging thing…” Abbey paused, frowned, then shook her head. “Nope. Never jogged in my life. I have no real plans to change that, either.”

  “You have other qualities.” Crissy sat on the stool by the island. “You didn’t have to be so nice.”

  “Neither did you. We’re all delighted this is working out. Brandon needs you and I think you need him.”

  Crissy could agree with the latter, even as she questioned the former. But she liked the sound of being needed by her son, so she would go with it.

  “I have a question,” she said, wondering if she was about to be incredibly personal and/or rude. “But if you don’t want to answer it, you don’t have to.”

  “That sounds intriguing,” Abbey teased. “Unfortunately my life isn’t that interesting, so I’m going to guess your question isn’t about me.”

  “It’s about Josh.”

  “And?”

  Crissy looked at her. “He’s wonderful with his patients. I’ve seen him interact with them. He’s great with your kids. But when he and I were talking, he said he didn’t want children of his own. What do you know about that?”

  Abbey sighed. “He said that?”

  Crissy nodded.

  “I was hoping it was just a phase he would get over, but apparently not.”

  “A phase?”

  “I’m being a horrible person,” Abbey said. “I know that, so just go with it. The no-children thing is because of Stacey. She couldn’t have children. Something I can relate to. When Josh told me, I thought it might be something we could bond over. You know, a shared experience to bring us closer.”

  “You weren’t close?”

  Abbey hesitated. “Not really. I didn’t…Let’s just say Stacey wasn’t my favorite person.”

  “You’re kidding. I thought she was a saint or something. Josh met her while she was visiting sick kids in the hospital.”

  “Drama queen is more like it,” Abbey muttered. “Okay, forget I said that. Stacey had to deal with a lot of tragedy in her life. She was sick and knew that when the cancer came back it would kill her. That’s enough to make anyone wonky. But she carried it to the extreme. I had problems when I was younger, but you don’t hear me talking about them. I’m healthy and I want to live my life. But not her. Talking to Stacey was like living in a gothic novel. Everything was doom and gloom. When I mentioned adoption, she refused to discuss it. It was too wrong for her to take in a child when she could be dead by morning on any given day.”

  Abbey dropp
ed her chin to her chest. “I sound awful. I know I do. Stacey went through so much more than anyone should. She suffered greatly and in the end, the cancer came back and killed her. It’s just…it’s almost as if…” She looked at Crissy. “I swear I’m going to hell, but it’s almost as if she was happy when it did. Like it proved everything she’d said.”

  Crissy didn’t know what to think. This picture of Stacey wasn’t at all like the saint she’d thought Josh had married. And speaking of Josh…

  “What did he have to say about Stacey’s behavior?”

  “He’s a guy.” Abbey rolled her eyes. “He was crazy in love with her sweet spirit and frailness. He got to take care of her, which he seemed to like. Every moment was precious, because it might be their last. Honestly? It made me mad. Before Stacey, Josh never said he didn’t want kids. It had never come up in conversation, but I figured he was like Pete—ready for a big family. But once Stacey was in his life, he claimed he never wanted children. It was all about her.”

  Crissy was still taking it all in. “I don’t know what to think. I’d wondered if his attitude might be about Stacey, but does that make it better or worse? Is admitting he wants children now a betrayal of Stacey and if it is, will he let himself?”

  “I don’t know,” Abbey admitted. “But if you’re asking the question, I’m assuming things are getting serious.”

  “A little. Maybe. I like him. He’s a great guy. I want to believe we have a future.”

  Abbey laughed. “If I didn’t have dough hands, I’d hug you right now. This is great. I was hoping the two of you would get together more permanently. You’re exactly the kind of woman Josh should be with. And he’s a great guy. Next to Pete, he’s about as good as they come.”

  “Next to Pete?”

  “I can’t help that I married the best.”

  Crissy smiled, then let the smile fade. “There are so many complications. His work, his past, the kids thing. I want a family.”

  “I really think he does, too,” Abbey said. “The big question is will he let himself admit that? I don’t have an answer. The good news is you have time on your side.”

  Less than she thought. Crissy was going to tell Josh in the next week or so. Which meant he would have to get over his past really fast or they would be dealing with it.

  “What?” Abbey asked. “You’re thinking something.”

  “It’s not important.”

  “It looked important. Am I prying?”

  “No, I just don’t want to put you in the middle.”

  “Of…Oh. You and Josh. But how could I?” Her mouth dropped opened. “Oh! You’re…are you pregnant?”

  Crissy wasn’t sure if she was happy or sorry Abbey knew. “You’re going to have to keep it quiet for a few days. Until I tell him.”

  Abbey beamed. “But you are. Pregnant! That’s wonderful.”

  “I’m not so sure,” Crissy admitted. “I mean I’m thrilled about the baby. I want to start a family. But now? Like this? I don’t know what Josh is going to think. He might be furious or feel I trapped him or something.”

  “Did you?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Then don’t worry about it. He’ll understand.”

  Crissy wasn’t so sure.

  “There’s also the complication of Brandon. What is he going to think when he finds out I’m pregnant again but this time I’m keeping the baby? Won’t he feel rejected all over again?”

  Abbey sighed. “I hadn’t thought about that. We’ll talk about it and he’ll understand. It may take a bit, but he’ll get it. He really cares about you.”

  For how long? “I didn’t mean to make this much trouble for everyone.”

  “A baby is never trouble,” Abbey said. “It’s a miracle. It’s time you found that out for yourself. As for Josh, I know it’s scary to think how he might react. But give him a chance. Maybe he’ll surprise you in a good way.”

  “I hope so.”

  They talked for a few more minutes, then Crissy left. She’d barely turned the corner when her cell phone rang. She pushed the voice activation button on her steering wheel.

  “Hello?”

  “Crissy? It’s Dev. We’re at the hospital. Noelle’s having the baby.”

  Rachel and Carter were already in the waiting room when Crissy arrived. Rachel raced over. “She’s close. Really close. They’ve taken her into delivery. She looked good and she says it’s not so bad.” Rachel’s fingers dug into her arm. “Tell me it’s not so bad.”

  “You’ll be fine. They have drugs if the pain gets bad.”

  “Right. Drugs.”

  Carter took her free hand in his. “Come on. Relax. You’re a long way from giving birth. It will be fine.”

  “You don’t actually know that. It’s easy to be all calming and superior when you’re not planning on passing a bowling ball through a pinhead in a few months.”

  “Point taken.”

  Crissy laughed. Being around Carter and Rachel was always a fun time. They, like Noelle and Dev, were a perfect couple. Watching them together made the world seem like a better place.

  Rachel looked at her. “Do you remember anything from when you had Brandon?”

  “Not really. It was fairly quick. I was scared and I just wanted it over.”

  She’d been so young, she thought sadly. Even though her mother had been with her, along with Abbey, she’d felt alone. Probably the guilt talking. Now, looking back on that teenager, she could be more compassionate.

  “She’ll be fine,” Rachel said, almost chanting. “I’ll be fine, you’ll be fine. So much fineness. Fine. Fine. Fine.”

  Carter looked at Crissy and mouthed “Help!”

  Crissy nodded and took Rachel’s arm. “Come on, you. Let’s take a walk. Remember how you mocked me about my terror at spending three hours with Brandon? I’m going to return the favor. You’ll love it.”

  Rachel groaned. “I didn’t even ask. How was it? Did everything go okay?”

  “It was great.” Crissy led her into the corridor. “We talked, we bonded. I’m really happy. I think he and I are going to have a great relationship.”

  “So that’s good, right?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  Crissy distracted her with idle talk until they reached the nursery. Rachel touched the glass separating her from the newborns and sighed.

  “Look at them. They’re so beautiful. Those tiny little faces. They’re all wrapped up. I read about that. It’s to make them feel safe, like they were in the womb. Oh, I want a baby.”

  Me, too, Crissy thought. “You’re having one. In just a few months.”

  Rachel touched her stomach and smiled. “Hurry up, little one. We want to see you.”

  “Better?” Crissy asked.

  “Much. The panic has totally faded.”

  Carter rounded the corner and hurried toward them. “She had the baby. A girl. Everything is good. Dev looks pale but proud. Noelle says as soon as she gets to her room you’re to come right in and you can hold little Mindy yourselves.”

  It was early evening by the time Crissy pulled up in front of Josh’s town house. They’d spoken on the phone earlier and she’d told him about the baby. He’d invited her over for dinner…and breakfast. An invitation she couldn’t refuse.

  As she walked up to the front door, she found she couldn’t stop smiling. Holding Noelle’s newborn had been an incredible experience.

  “You look happy,” Josh said as he opened the door. “Everything okay with the new family?”

  “It’s perfect.” She stepped inside and kissed him. “Noelle sailed through delivery with no problems. Mindy is beautiful and perfect. I had no idea babies smelled so good. They let me hold her and I never wanted to give her back.”

  Josh’s expression didn’t change, which made her wonder what he was thinking. This seemed like a good a time as any to find out…and to tell the truth.

  “I’m just about to start dinner,” he said. “I didn’t know when you’d b
e coming by.”

  “Before you do, I need to tell you something.”

  His gaze never left hers. “A good something or a bad something?”

  “I think it’s the best. I hope you will, too.” Now that she’d picked the moment, she didn’t know what to say.

  “Crissy?”

  “Right. I should talk. The thing is neither of us is to blame. We were caught off guard by the moment. It happened. We should have planned better, but we didn’t. Oh, damn. I’m not saying this right. I guess the biggest point is that I’m happy. So happy. Delighted, bordering on giddy.”

  She took both his hands in hers. “I’m pregnant, Josh. From that first night we were together. We’re having a baby.”

  Chapter Eleven

  J osh stared at Crissy. He felt as if he were underwater. He couldn’t seem to move and nothing looked right.

  Then it hit him—a crushing weight of guilt. It slammed into him, knocking the breath out of him. He couldn’t have a child with Crissy. It was wrong on more levels than he could count.

  Without having to close his eyes, he saw Stacey in the room. The hurt in her eyes, the sadness in her expression. A child with someone else? What right did he have to experience that when she’d never been able to?

  Time bent and it was years before he’d married her. Back when he’d proposed three times and been turned down each time.

  Finally he’d cornered her, emotionally and physically. “What the hell is your problem?” he’d asked, angry by her constant refusal, the anger hiding his pain at being rejected by the only woman he’d ever loved.

  She’d faced him, her violet eyes dark with tears, her mouth quivering. “I can’t give you a child,” she whispered, her voice so quiet, he’d had to strain to hear her. “I’m not physically capable of carrying a child to term. I don’t think it’s right to adopt when the cancer could return at any time. You want to have a real family and I can’t give you that. Go be with someone who can.”

  At that moment he’d known her greatest fear was being rejected for her physical imperfections. On the outside, she was as beautiful as an angel, but on the inside, she had been twisted by a disease that couldn’t be controlled.