Her Last First Date

by Susan Mallery

  Crissy settled in the rocking chair. “What about you? Are you happy?”

  Noelle sank back in the cushions and sighed. “I’m past happy—I’m in bliss!”

  “Good for you. And Mindy’s doing okay, healthwise?”

  Noelle and Dev had had a scare during the first few months of Noelle’s pregnancy. Further testing had shown that everything was fine with the baby, but until Mindy had been born, neither of them had been totally convinced.

  “Her pediatrician says she’s thriving. So we’ve let our worries go. We’ve been blessed with an amazing baby. Lucky us.”

  Crissy kissed Mindy’s soft cheek. “I agree. Lucky you.”

  Noelle looked at her. “You’re not feeling so lucky. You seem…I don’t know. Sad, maybe. Is it Josh?”

  Crissy nodded. “We’re going to have to agree to disagree on just about everything. I want him to be emotionally engaged—he thinks that would betray his late wife. I want him to be a father who’s excited about having a child. He’s willing to be responsible and do the right thing.”

  “Does he need more time?”

  “I think he needs a brain transplant.” Crissy shook her head. “I know that’s not fair. He’s dealing with a lot of things from his past. Honestly I swear Stacey played with his emotions. I feel bad saying it, but I don’t think I would have liked her.”

  “People have different needs at different times,” Noelle said.

  “Unfortunately I’m pregnant now.”

  “Are you willing to wait for him to come around? Is he worth that?”

  “I love him,” Crissy said as she rocked the baby. “I can’t imagine loving anyone else. So for now, I’ll wait. I’m not doing anything else with my time. The thing is, one-sided love isn’t looking very good to me these days.”

  Sunday morning Josh sat on his patio, pretending to read the paper. It was a beautiful day, the kind that made him want to take a hike in the local mountains or drive down to the beach and ride his bike along the boardwalk.

  Not by himself, he thought. It would be better to go with someone. Someone like Crissy.

  He couldn’t stop thinking about her or their last conversation. He’d said everything wrong, done everything wrong. He needed to make things right with her, but didn’t know how.

  What could he say to explain what he felt when he wasn’t sure himself?

  Worse than being without her was the fact that he’d hurt her. He’d never wanted that. She was—

  He heard a noise and looked up. The bushes by his patio moved, then Brandon pushed through them and walked toward him, dragging his bike.

  Josh couldn’t believe his nephew was here. “Tell me you didn’t ride your bike here,” he told the boy.

  Brandon hung his head and shrugged.

  Fear clutched at Josh’s gut. He was a good five miles from Abbey and Pete’s house and there were at least three major streets the kid would have to have crossed.

  “Brandon, you’re not allowed to leave your neighborhood. You know that. Do your parents know you’re gone?”

  Still not looking at Josh, he shook his head. “I know I was wrong, but I had to do something.” He raised his head. There were tears in his eyes. “I gotta talk to you, Uncle Josh. I tried calling, but someone was always around. Last night I decided to just come here this morning. I know I shouldn’t have ridden here all by myself, but it’s important.”

  Josh was furious, but decided not to deal with that right now. He would hear Brandon out, then he would start yelling. But first, there were some worried adults to be taken care of.

  “You can leave your bike out here,” he said as he led the way inside. He grabbed the phone and dialed a very familiar number. “Abbey, hi. Brandon’s with me. And he’s fine.”

  He glared at his nephew as he spoke, assuring Abbey and promising to return her son later that morning. When he hung up, Brandon slumped into a chair.

  “I know I’m in trouble,” Brandon said, his voice low. “I’m gonna really get it. But I had to.”

  “I’m ready to hear why.”

  Brandon looked at him and Josh saw a lot of Crissy in the boy. Her eyes, her mouth. This was her child. What would their child look like? Who would it take after more?

  Not the time for those questions, he reminded himself. There were more immediate problems.

  “Okay,” Brandon began. “But you can’t be mad at me.”

  “About you riding your bike over here?”

  “No, about the other stuff.”

  Josh swore silently. There was other stuff? “I’ll save my anger for the end. I’m going to yell at you about riding your bike over here anyway, so we’ll get it all done at once. What did you do?”

  Brandon sucked in a breath. “I listened when I shouldn’t. Last week. I know it’s wrong, but it’s hard because nobody tells me anything and some of it’s really important.”

  “What did you hear?” Josh asked seconds before the obvious occurred to him. Damn it all to hell did the boy know that—

  “Crissy’s pregnant.” Brandon stared at the kitchen table. “She’s gonna have a baby and this time she’s going to keep it.”

  There was a world of confusion and hurt in those words. Josh moved toward his nephew, pulled up another chair and settled in front of him.

  “It’s weird,” Brandon said, still staring at the table. “Crissy’s really cool, you know? I like having her around. But is that okay? What about my mom? Does it bother her that I like Crissy? I was trying to figure that out, when I found out about the baby. She’s keeping her baby and she didn’t keep me. Why, Uncle Josh? Why?”

  Josh heard the tears in the boy’s voice and pulled him close. Brandon hung on with all his strength as the sobs claimed him.

  Josh didn’t know what to say to make this child feel better. If only he hadn’t heard. The family would have made plans to tell him together. But life was rarely that tidy.

  “I love you, kid,” he said. “Do you know that?”

  Brandon sniffed and nodded.

  “Your mom and dad love you.”

  “I know that,” Brandon said impatiently.

  “So maybe you’d rather not be their son.”

  His nephew looked at him in shock and outrage. “What? I’m their son. They love me. I know they love me.”

  “No one is saying they don’t. I was with them when they brought you home. I’ve never seen any two people so happy. They’d been given the greatest gift of their lives and they knew it.”

  That earned him a slight smile. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. I’m not saying you don’t matter to them, I’m asking if you’d rather they weren’t your parents. Would it be better if Crissy had kept you?”

  Brandon stared at him, wide-eyed. “No,” he breathed. “I like Crissy. I like her a lot, but she’s not my mom. I don’t want her to be.”

  “Then you’re a lucky guy, because you’re going to get exactly what you want. You can stay where you are, have the parents you want and still have Crissy in your life.”

  Brandon thought about that for a second. “Okay, but the baby…She’s keeping him.”

  “Her life is different. She doesn’t know anything about this baby. She’s not picking it over you. It’s about timing, Brandon. If she’d had a different baby before and she was pregnant with you now, you’d be the one she’s keeping.”

  “Okay,” Brandon said slowly. “I kind of understand that.”

  “Crissy loves you. Giving you up changed her life forever, and not necessarily for the better. She’s been missing you since you were born. That’s hard.”

  “I hadn’t thought of it that way. So she’s been really sad?”

  “More than sad.” He thought about all she’d said about being unable to be in a relationship. “She didn’t want to forgive herself for giving you up. All these years, she’s been mad at herself for not being able to give you what you deserved. She’s punished herself way more than anyone else would have punished her. Maybe even more t
han you would have.”

  “I don’t want to punish her,” Brandon insisted. “She wasn’t bad. She was young and it was hard. Girls shouldn’t have babies until they’re a lot older.”

  “Like Crissy’s age now?”

  “Yeah. Oh.” Brandon smiled. “Okay. I get it. She’s ready now.”

  “Yes, she is. It’s not about you. Do you understand that?”

  He nodded.

  Josh pulled him close again. “I’m sorry you overheard that conversation, kid. Not a good way to find out you’re going to be a half brother.”

  Brandon straightened a little. “Half brother? Oh, yeah. Because Crissy’s my birth mom, I’ll be related to the baby. That’s okay.”

  “It’s a little more complicated that,” Josh admitted. “I’m the father.”

  Brandon jumped to his feet and cheered. “For real? So we’re all related. You and me and Crissy and my mom and dad and the girls. It’s all of us. That baby is all of us.”

  “It sure is.”

  Brandon gave him a high-five. “Totally cool, Uncle Josh. I’m glad you’re getting married again. Crissy’s the best and if she marries you, she’ll always be around.”

  Married? To Crissy? Josh hadn’t thought past the baby being born. Marriage? Love?

  “We haven’t gotten that far,” Josh admitted, stunned by the thought.

  “But you have to get married if you’re having a baby. Don’t you?”

  Did they? Marriage. After Stacey, he never thought he would be interested. But then Crissy came along and changed everything.

  Brandon grabbed his arm. “Do you love her, Uncle Josh? Because you have to love her. That’s the most important thing.”

  Josh ruffled his hair. “You’re a pretty smart kid.”

  “Smart enough to know you didn’t answer the question. Do you love her?”

  Josh thought about all he and Crissy had been through. The ways she’d filled his life and brought light to the dark places. How she led with her heart, even though she believed she was tough. How she did the hard thing, because it was right. She was honest and caring, smart and funny, determined, giving. She was the one he’d been waiting for all his life.

  “I do love her,” he said aloud.

  The cemetery was on a hill, with a view of the valley. Stacey had picked the location and the specific spot herself, long before the cancer had returned. At one point she’d teased he could buy the plot for her as a wedding present.

  The suggestion had shocked Josh and she’d apologized, but he’d never forgotten. Now, as he walked toward the simple stone that marked her grave, he wondered if they were both guilty of simply waiting for her to die. If each of them had, for different reasons, been unwilling to fully live.

  Crissy was right—he’d been afraid to wholly commit. Stacey had given him the perfect out. He could love her unconditionally, knowing time was limited. She wouldn’t ask too much of him, because she couldn’t.

  When she died, he lost himself in mourning. Not only because he had cared about her, but because it was an easy way to avoid a real life.

  He walked over the well-kept grass and set flowers by the carved stone. Irises. Her favorite.

  He didn’t speak. Stacey wasn’t in this place. Graves were for the living, not the dead. And he was alive, even if he’d nearly forgotten the truth of that. Alive and desperately in love with a complicated woman who would always expect his best. She might never forgive him for what he’d said. She might refuse to see him. Either way, he wouldn’t stop trying. It was time to start showing up for his life.

  Crissy stepped off the treadmill. She was doing her best to run Josh out of her heart. Her doctor said she could run through the first few months with no problem and she intended to take him at his word. If nothing else, she would be in amazing shape by the time the baby was born.

  She pulled off her sweatband and grabbed her towel. Sweat dripped off her. She knew she looked like hell—red and damp, with her mascara running—but who cared? She’d designed her gyms for women only. No one here was going to judge her.

  She waved at a few members she knew, then crossed to the front of the building, prepared to take the stairs to her office. One of the perks of being the owner was a private bathroom with a shower. She would order in lunch and get back to work. Maybe with her body exhausted, her mind would finally quiet down.

  She’d barely taken the first two stairs when she heard someone call her name. A familiar someone. A guy.

  Her brain split in two with half of her quivering at the thought of seeing Josh again. It didn’t seem to matter that all their conversations were total disasters. She missed him with a desperation that made her wonder if she was ever going to be normal again.

  The other half of her brain was aware of how horrible she looked after a ten-mile run. Why did he have to show up now?

  She blotted her face with her towel and turned to face him. The second she saw him her heart gave a lurch, as if calling out to its soul mate.

  He looked good, she thought as she studied him. Tired, but handsome. In his jeans and white shirt, he looked sexy enough to be the dessert special of the week.

  “I need to talk to you,” he said.

  She wanted to tell him that this wasn’t a good time. She thought about asking him to come back in twenty minutes so she could at least shower. Then she figured she could fight sweaty as easily as she could fight clean.

  “We can go to my office,” she said, and led the way. It was only when she reached the second floor landing that she realized she never thought to tell him no. That they couldn’t talk. Because she was stupid and in love and until she could stop loving him, she would be happy to see him, even if he was a big jerk.

  Once behind closed doors, she turned to him. “You have ten minutes, or until you piss me off. Whichever comes first.”

  “You’re packing some attitude this morning,” he said. “I like that.”

  She wanted to tell him she didn’t care what he liked, but it wasn’t true. She cared too much. She cared to the point of stupid.

  “I just ran ten miles. I could kick your ass.” She leaned against her desk. “Why are you here?”

  “Because being with you is where I belong.”

  She blinked. What? Had he just said what she thought he—What?

  He took a step toward her. “Crissy, I can’t find the words to tell you how sorry I am for what I’ve put you through. You have been nothing but loving and supportive and I’ve sent you to hell and back.”

  Was this really happening or had she slipped into madness because she loved him so much? Hope grew inside of her. Hope and love and anticipation.

  He took her hand in his and stared into her eyes. “You were right about me. About how I’ve held back and how marrying Stacey made things easier.”

  “Josh, no,” she said. “I was angry and hurt and I lashed out. I’m sorry for what I said.”

  “Don’t be. You told the truth.”

  “Not about your patients. You give so much to them. You do more than anyone else is willing to. That was a low hit and I apologize.”

  He touched her face. “How can you be so generous when I hurt you over and over again? Crissy, you terrified me. You’re so alive and determined. Nothing scares you.”

  “You’re wrong. I’m scared a lot. Brandon terrified me and when I think about having a baby and having to raise it…” She shook her head. “What if I do everything wrong?”

  “You won’t.”

  “What if my baby hates me?”

  “Not possible.”

  “Let’s have this conversation again when he or she is sixteen.”

  “Teenagers hate everyone.”

  She smiled. “You’re trying to make me feel better. That’s nice.” More than nice. He’d come to make things better with her. That was worth a lot. Given a little time, maybe he would be willing to open his heart to her.

  “I love you,” he told her.

  “Really?” Apparently he didn�
�t need much time at all. “You mean that? This isn’t guilt love?”

  He leaned in and kissed her. “Not guilt love at all. Real love. Forever love. The parents of my patients talk about how I’m their miracle. I never got that until now. Because you’re my miracle.”

  Her eyes began to burn, but this time with happy tears.

  He kissed her again. “I love you, Crissy. I want to be with you always. I want to fill our house with kids and dogs and laughter and whatever else you want. I want to grow old with you. I want to have a past and a present, with a future we both look forward to. Will you marry me?”

  The last of her pain faded as if it had never been. A down-to-the-bone happy contentment filled her. Then a tear slipped down her cheek. “I can’t believe you proposed to me when I’m all sweaty.”

  He grinned. “You look beautiful.”

  “But I need to take a shower.”

  The grin broadened. “I could help you with that.”

  “It’s a pretty small shower.”

  “We can work with it.”

  Despite the sweat and his clean shirt, she threw herself at him. “I love you, Josh. For always.”

  “I love you, too. I’m glad we’re having a baby. I’m glad I’m having a baby with you. Are you going to make an honest man of me?”

  “Yes,” she said happily. “I’ll marry you. I might even take your name.”

  “You could hyphenate. Phillips-Daniels. We’ll sound very British and aristocratic.”

  He kissed her. She let herself get lost in the sensation of being close to him. They had time now. Time to deal with things like names and where they would live and whether or not they wanted to know the sex of the baby. They had the rest of their lives. It would be a journey of love. Crissy couldn’t wait for it to begin.

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