by J. S. Cooper
I reached over and pulled the woman closer to me and closed my eyes as I ran my hands up and down her naked body. She groaned as she woke up and leaned over to kiss me. The kiss wasn’t especially sensual, but it was filled with need. I kissed her hard and she kissed me back hard. She ran her hands up and down my chest and I rolled her over onto her back. I still had my jeans on, so I undid them and pulled them off, throwing them across the floor. I didn’t think about what I was doing. I just did it.
As I reached down and slid into her, I felt my body go numb. I moved in and out like a robot as she groaned under me. She wriggled against me and grabbed me, yet I felt nothing for this unknown woman. Only the need to relieve myself of my pent up frustration. I was disgusted with myself for having sex with this woman, when my heart was with another. I finished quickly and pulled out, as I was about to finish. I rolled over and lay in the bed with my back to her. She cuddled up to me and I sighed. I’d have to have a talk with Suzannah in the morning. I’d have to tell her that this meant nothing and I didn’t want to be back with her. Just because Lexi had someone else didn’t mean I was just going to settle.
My head was aching when I finally woke up in the morning. The sunlight streaming through my window roused me out of my sleep. I stretched and immediately stilled as I felt the naked body pressed up against me. I went to slide out of the bed but I felt her hand reach around and grab me. I sighed as I turned towards Suzannah, hoping she wasn’t going to make this more difficult than it needed to be.
“Morning,” she whispered as she kissed my back and I pushed her hand away from me. I didn’t want her to mistake my morning hardness for wanting her.
“Morning.” I turned over, ready to have the conversation and my heart stilled as I made eye contact. I felt my heart sink and my eyes widen as I saw who was in my bed. It wasn’t Suzannah who had decided to stay the night and, as I closed my eyes, I wondered how the hell I was going to get out of this mess.
Chapter 13
“I’ve come to take you out for pancakes.” Luke showed up at my door bright and early with a huge smile.
“Ugh. I just want to go back to sleep,” I groaned and let him in.
“No more sleeping.”
“Let me sleep, jail warden.” I stuck my tongue out at him and rubbed my head. “I have a headache and I just want to forget last night.”
“Lexi, at least you know now, before it’s too late.” Luke’s voice was calm and patient.
“What?” I sighed. “That Bryce told the whole school my business, that everyone thinks I’m the reason why Eddie killed himself, which I may be, or because Bryce seems to have an anger/alcohol problem?”
“Lexi, you’re not responsible for Eddie’s death.” Luke put his arm around me as I sat down on my bed.
“I just don’t know what to think, Luke.” I put my head on his shoulder. “I’ve hated him for so long for what he tried to do, but, I mean, he had to have some sort of issues.”
“Whatever issues he had weren’t your fault, Lexi.”
“Maybe I could have saved him?”
“How could you have saved your near rapist, Lexi?” Luke pulled my face up to his. “Look, Lexi, you are not at fault here.”
“I know,” I sighed. “It just seems too much.”
“You know Bryce and his friends have issues. It comes from being too privileged.”
“Bryce is a good guy, Luke,” I sighed.
“Whatever.” Luke rolled his eyes. “He’s not good enough for you.”
“I like him, Luke.” I stared at him. “I want to get to know him better. I want to be there for him.”
“Why, Lexi? You barely know him.” He sighed and pulled away from me. “I just don’t understand, what does he have that makes him so irresistible to you?”
“There’s just something about him.”
“You don’t even know him, Lexi. He’s just some guy from high school. Okay, so he’s blond and hot, and he was the football star. But we are adults now.”
“Luke, he saved me from being raped. Do you understand that?”
“He’s not your savior, Lexi. You were nearly raped by his best friend,” he shouted at me. “It was the least he could do.”
“He saved me, Luke,” I cried out to him. “Why don’t you understand?”
“I’m sorry, Lexi. I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he cried out in anguish.
“It’s not your fault, Luke.” I stared at his pained face. “I don’t blame you for not being there.”
“I can’t keep doing this, Lexi,” he sighed and stood up. “I can’t just sit by and watch you fling yourself at a guy who doesn’t deserve you.”
“Who does deserve me, Luke?” I jumped up. “I don’t see many guys knocking my door down. I’m fed up of being alone.”
“You don’t have to be alone, Lexi.” He spoke quietly and I stilled. I was scared at what he was going to say next. “I’ve always been here for you.”
“You’re my best friend, Luke.”
“Maybe I want to be more.”
“No, no you don’t.” My words were panicked and unsure. “You’re just confused.” I stepped away from him and avoided his gaze.
“Haven’t you ever thought about it?” His voice was pained. “We get on so well.”
“Anna likes you,” I burst out. “I swear to God, she likes you.”
“I don’t like Anna like that.”
“You don’t know. Please Luke,” I cried, “I can’t deal with this right now.”
“With what, Lexi? Living in reality? Does it always have to be a daydream? You don’t even know Bryce.”
“I do.” I looked in his eyes and my heart broke at the intense emotion I saw reflected there. “I’m sorry, Luke.”
“Yeah.” He sat on my bed. “What can I say? I tried.”
“You don’t know Bryce like I do, Luke.” I sighed and pulled out a small box from under my bed and opened it and pulled out a handful of letters. “These are from Bryce.”
“What are they?” He looked at me in confusion.
“I wrote to him when he went to war.” I bit my lip. “We corresponded for about a year. He’s a good guy, Luke. A sincere guy.”
“But he’s been gone for longer than a year.” He frowned.
“I stopped writing.” I looked at him, anxiously. “I didn’t want to out myself and I didn’t want to live in a dream world. I know you are worried for me, Luke. I know you think I don’t know him. But I do. He’s a good guy, Luke. A really good guy. He just has a lot of scars.”
“We all do, Lexi,” he sighed.
“Luke, your life is perfect. You’re smart, handsome, with great parents, money and you have me as a best friend.” I tried to make a joke at the end and he smiled back at me vacantly.
“Sometimes the deepest scars are the ones you don’t see, Lexi.” His words were clipped and short and something inside of me broke. I didn’t know what he was talking about, but I knew that the burden I was carrying was eating me up inside.
“So can I see one of the letters?” Luke interrupted my reverie and offered me a half-smile. “If he’s going to be your boyfriend, I suppose I should see just how deep he really is.”
“Oh, Luke.” I pulled him towards me and gave him a hug. “I love you soo much. I don’t know what I would ever do without you.”
Luke pulled out a letter and opened it. “Can I read it out loud?”
“Sure,” I smiled. I wanted him to understand why Bryce was so near and dear to my heart.
“Ok, well he has nice handwriting.” He laughed and opened up the letter.
Dear Miss,
Your last letter couldn’t have come at a better time for me. One of my friends was sent home last week, due to a injury in combat. It’s weird writing that. I never thought that I would ever write those words. But, then again, I never thought I would be in the military either. I was never a fan of watching war movies when I growing up. Did you know I had to keep my eyes closed through most of ‘Savin
g Private Ryan’?
Thanks for the brownies you sent. They went down a treat. I shared them with my unit and they all say anytime you want to send more, feel free. You’re a good cook. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess you are a baker or in culinary school? Am I right? Sorry if I’m prying too much. I just want to get to know as much about you as possible. Did you know that when I was in high school I took a home economics class? My best friend and I thought it would be a great way to meet girls. Ssh, don’t tell anyone.
I wanted to let you know how important your letters are to me. When I read them, I feel like I have a kindred spirit out there. Someone who understands what it means to feel confused and misunderstood by life. Someone who also has inner pains that no one knows about. Sometimes I think that life has thrown me a wrench because everyone else thinks I’ve had it too good. And maybe that’s the way it should be. I’ve done some really horrible things in my life. And had some real tragedies. Sometimes I just want to die. I’m sorry if that sounds morbid, but sometimes when I look in the mirror and I see this golden boy that everyone loves, I think to myself, if only everyone knew the real you, would they love you then?
I’ve been such a selfish boy in my life and now that I’m becoming a man, (the war will do that to you) I want to be a better person. A bigger person. I want to be a person that I can respect and, hopefully, one day you respect as well.
I hope to hear from you soon. With all the love and thanks from my unit.
Bryce
Luke’s voice trailed off as he finished reading the letter and he looked up at me with a half-smile. “So, I’ll give it to you. He’s deeper than I thought.”
“He’s a nice guy, Luke.”
“So does he know you wrote the letters?” He paused. “I’m confused by the Miss name.”
“No, not yet. Unless he figured it out.” I smiled, wistfully. “That would be kind of awesome though, if he knew it was me all along.”
“That would be romantic.” Luke’s voice was tense. “I guess you guys are meant to be.”
I grabbed his hand and looked into his eyes. “You know, I’ve always believed in soul mates, Luke. I think he could be the one.”
“If you think so, Lexi. That’s what is most important.” He squeezed my hand back. “I just want you to be happy.”
“He makes me soo happy, Luke. It’s like he gets the inner me and wants to know the inner me. It’s like he was made for me.”
“I see.”
“He is, literally, my Prince Charming. He saved me once and I feel like he is going to save me again.”
“Save you from what?”
“My mom.” I rolled my eyes. “I can’t take it anymore, Luke. I don’t want to break her heart or leave her penniless, but I can’t sacrifice my life to stay here with her.”
“You’re not sacrificing your life, Lexi.” He looked at me with a concerned look. “She’s your mom.”
“You don’t understand,” I sighed.
“Not like Bryce does, huh?” He sighed as well.
“He knows things that you don’t.” I looked down, embarrassed.
“I see.” I could tell he was hurt. “Well I guess that puts me in my place.”
“I didn’t tell him, Luke.” I felt my heart break at his face. “I didn’t want to tell you because I was embarrassed.”
“You never have to be embarrassed about anything with me.”
“My mom had an affair with Bryce’s dad.”
“The Mayor?” Luke looked at me in shock. “What?”
“Yeah. When we were in high school and then after we graduated, for a bit.”
“No way.” He blinked as if trying to get his head around it. “And Bryce knows?”
“Yeah.” I shrugged. “He already knew.”
“I wonder when he found out.”
“No idea.”
“I’m surprised he doesn’t hate you.”
“Why would he hate me?” I frowned. “I didn’t do anything.”
“People aren’t always reasonable in their hate.” He looked out of the window and stared at his bedroom. “It’s funny. All these years and we’ve been friends and shared everything, and yet I found out you’ve kept two huge secrets from me.”
“I didn’t mean to.”
He turned around and looked at me. “I understand how some things are private and dear to your heart, but I’ve always thought that we were so close that we shared everything. I always thought we had one of those friendships that transcended everything.”
“But we do, Luke.” I ached at his words.
“No,” he said slowly. “I don’t think we do.”
“I’ve told you everything now, Luke. Please don’t be mad,” I pleaded.
He stared into my eyes and frowned. “You know what, Lexi, I don’t think you have.”
“What?” I looked at him, astounded. “What do you mean?”
“I think there’s something else.” He blinked and looked away.
“What do you mean?” I stared at him with my heart pounding.
“Is there anything else you want to tell me, Lexi?”
“No.” My voice was small, but firm. I couldn’t tell him about the one thing that still haunted me. I just couldn’t. It was too painful.
“Okay.” He smiled, tightly. “So do you still want to get pancakes or should I go look for apartments now?”
“Apartments?” I frowned. “You’re moving out?”
“Well, I think I have to move if I want to study at MIT.” He smiled.
“So you decided?”
“Yeah. I’m thinking it’s time for me to move forward.”
“Oh.” The single syllable that fell from my mouth was not enough to convey the deep pain I felt at his words. “I guess you should go look at apartments then. I’m not too hungry right now.”
“Okay. I’ll see you later.” Luke walked out of my room without giving me a hug and I felt the tears streaming down my face. I ran into the bathroom and turned on the shower. As I stood there, my tears mingling with the gushing water of the shower, I felt heartbroken, alone and desolate. I felt like I had never felt as bleak as I did in this moment. I knew that something in my life had irrevocably changed. I wasn’t sure where Luke and I were going to go from here, but the days of being best friends and having Dawson Creek nights seemed to be long gone.
Chapter 14
“I’m sorry you had to take me home,” she giggled. “I don’t have a car.”
“It’s no problem.” I tried to keep my voice cordial. I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to get out of this one.
“I should really get one, but my dad is scared of me driving. He thinks that I’m absent minded.” She laughed, nervously.
“Well, sounds like he is being over protective. I can understand that.”
“Yeah. Lexi says if he could keep me home all day he would.”
I flinched as she mentioned Lexi’s name and she must have noticed, because she turned red after she spoke. “Oh, I didn’t mean to mention her.” She nibbled on her fingernails. “I told myself I was not going to mention her.”
“Hey, it’s okay.” I looked over at Anna and tried to smile. “Don’t stress.”
“Thanks, Bryce.” She rested her hand on my leg and it was all I could do to not push it off of me. “I know she was excited about the party and I’m sure you must have been surprised to hear that she wrote you those letters. I just feel a bit bad.”
“The letters?” I frowned and turned to look at her quickly. “What letters?”
“Oh shit,” she groaned. “I’ve done it again, haven’t I?” She turned away from me and moaned. “I think I’ve lost my mind. After last night and all.” She giggled and I sighed. The less she said about the previous night, the better it was for me.
“What letters, Anna?” I pulled over to the side of the road and turned off the engine.
“Lexi wrote you those letters when you were in Iraq, or Afghanistan, or wherever.”
�
�Lexi wrote the letters?” I frowned, confused. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m sure,” she said, angrily. “She’s had a crush on you since high school. She felt like you might need some support after Eddie killed himself. And she was able to be herself in her letters.”
“Oh my gosh.” My heart started pounding.
“I feel bad, you know.” Anna continued. “She’s been enamored with you for so long, but you chose me.”
I stared at her in silence, unsure of what to say. How could I have been so stupid?
“I’ve been jealous of her for so long, you know. She and Luke have been so close and I always feel like the third wheel, but I’ve won the real prize. I lost my virginity to you and now here we are, together.” She giggled and stared at me under her lashes.
“What did you just say?”
“Which part?”
“Nothing.” I didn’t want to hear any of those words again. She had been a virgin? How many virgins at twenty-two were there in Jonesville? And she thought we were together? I didn’t know what to say. This could not be happening to me. Anna was a sweet girl and a pretty girl, but she wasn’t the girl I wanted to be with.
“Do you want to go for breakfast before you take me home?”
“Uhm, I can’t. Sorry.” There was no way I wanted anyone to see me in public with Anna. What if they guessed what had happened and it got back to Lexi? OMG, what if Anna told Lexi? I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. Lexi was the one who had sent me the letters. It made so much sense to me now. No wonder she felt my pain about my dad, it was the same pain she felt.
“Oh.” She tapped her fingers across the window. “Maybe you’d like to come to dinner with me and my dad tonight? You could meet my pets.”
“That sounds nice, but I don’t think so.” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry Anna, I…”
“Don’t say it.” She gave me a pained smile. “I should have known you weren’t ready to date yet.”
