Give and Take (Ties That Bind Book 1)

by Claire Cullen

  “It’s okay, Matt,” Sam said slowly, silencing his phone, and giving his friend his full attention. “Just my cell. It’s Declan. I’m going to answer it, okay? Drew will keep you company.”

  He didn’t try to touch him and when Drew reached for him, Sam shook his head once, sharply.

  “Matt, are you with us?” He seemed distant, his shoulders heaving with each breath. “It’s just you, me, and Drew here, having breakfast in my kitchen, that’s all.”

  His gaze fell on Matt's hands which were clinging to the edge of the table, his knuckles white.

  “You’re not there,” Sam continued, hoping against hope he was saying the right thing. “You’re here with us. Take some slow breaths, smell the coffee brewing behind you, hear the traffic outside. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.”

  Gradually, Matt’s breathing slowed, his hands releasing their death grip on the table. “Sorry, Sam. It just startled me.”

  “That’s okay, Matt. It really is. We know you’re not yourself, that you’re not well. You don’t have to pretend you're fine. You’re just the same as you were last night, except that you’re looking for help now and not just a way out. It doesn’t mean you’re suddenly alright again.”

  Matt sagged at that, resting his head in his hands, his elbows on the table. “Fuck it. I’m such a mess.”

  “Yeah, you’re in a bad way right now. But that’s why you’re here. That’s why I called Declan. To get you the help you need.”

  He turned to Drew who was watching all this in silence. Far from stunned or shocked, he looked ready to help. “Why don’t you call Declan back, Sam,” he said. “I’ll stay with Matt.”

  “Sorry about your glass,” Matt said. “I’ll clean that up.”

  “I’ll get it,” Drew replied. “You need a few minutes to catch your breath.”

  Knowing Matt was in safe hands, Sam grabbed his phone and retreated to his room, returning Declan’s call.

  “Hi Declan, sorry I missed you—”

  Matt looked drained, pale and exhausted, his hands scrubbing repeatedly over his face as if to wake himself up.

  “You know, you’re probably still groggy from the sleeping pills,” Drew pointed out. “Why don’t you go and lie back down. You can use my bed.”

  There was a long pause before Matt replied, his voice rough. “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Will you tell Sam I’m sorry?”

  “No,” Drew replied. “I won’t. Because you have nothing to be sorry about.”

  “You don’t even know why I’m like this, so how could you know that?”

  “Do the whys really matter? You were deployed, you served your country, tried to help and protect people. That was your job, and you did it. I can’t even imagine the kind of circumstances you worked under.”

  “I was stupid,” Matt muttered. “I got too attached. Then… two seconds, that’s all it took. Blood everywhere.”

  Drew didn’t think this mumbled confession born of exhaustion would do Matt any good.

  “Come on, I’ll show you my room and you can get some more rest.”

  “You’re right. God, I’m tired. So fucking tired. What if it doesn’t get any better, Drew? What if this is it, forever?”

  Drew wasn’t sure how to answer that without sounding patronizing.

  “I think you’ve hit rock-bottom, Matt. From here, the only way is up.”

  When Sam returned to the kitchen Drew was clearing up the dishes from breakfast.

  “Where’s Matt?”

  “My room. He’s exhausted. Did you have any luck?” Drew turned as he spoke, drying his hands on a cloth.

  “Declan got him an appointment this afternoon with the intake doctor at the hospital. They’re not guaranteeing anything but they’ll do an assessment and decide from there.”

  “And if they just push pills at him and send him home?” The last thing Drew wanted was to be selfish in this situation, but he wondered where that left him and Sam’s offer of help.

  “Then we’ll work something out. Look for help elsewhere. He wants it, he needs it. What he doesn’t need is to be fobbed off now that he finally has the motivation to try.”

  Drew leaned back against the sink, crossing his arms. “How long have you been trying to get him to accept help?”

  “On and off since he was discharged. So about five months. He wasn’t so bad at first. I think he rallied, being home, on familiar ground. He started working straight away too. The cracks only began to show about a month later. He was really struggling with managing any pressure at work. That’s just not Matt, the guy thrives on pressure. Or, at least, he did.”

  “He told me helping people is what you do.”

  He wasn’t sure where he was going with that, but he wanted to see Sam’s reaction. There was no clear indication of what this was between them. They weren’t lovers, he wouldn’t have called them friends, in the traditional sense, yet Sam was willing to go all out for him.

  “I guess I’ve always been that kind of person. It was how I was raised,” was all Sam said in reply. “I’m going to call work, put in for a few personal days, in case this takes longer than we’re expecting. Besides, when you take me up on my offer, I’m going to need them.”

  He was back in his room, the door closing quietly, before Drew had fully processed his words. He’d said ‘when’, not ‘if’. Like it was a given that Drew would accept his offer of help. Sliding into a seat at the table, he set his elbows on the table, rested his chin on his hands and tried to take stock.

  Obviously, Matt was their first priority. They had to make sure he was okay, that he was safe and able to get help. Once they had that in place, what then? Was he really willing to risk Sam’s safety as well as his own? The alternative was a life on the run until Russ decided it was too much of a liability to have him running around. Going back… going back wasn’t an option. Russ horrified him now, scared him. He’d dreamt, more than once, of being under the water, diving mask on, seeing something circling him out of the corner of his eye. In the dream, he knew he was in danger. Shark. But it was never the shark that got him, it was that moment when he tried to suck in a breath and pulled in nothing. And he flailed and fought and tried to get to the surface, all the while the shark was circling closer and closer, still just a shadow—

  Stumbling to his feet, he went to the window, pushing it open and sticking his head out, taking gulping breaths. The hands on him made him jump as he was turned around.

  Sam was holding him by the shoulders, his touch firm.

  “Drew, what is it? What’s wrong?”

  He couldn't get the words out, didn’t know what he’d say if he could. What came out was an inarticulate cry, a sob that shook him right down to his toes.

  “Damn it.” Sam’s words were soft as he pulled him close, pressing Drew to his chest and holding him there. “It’ll be okay, Drew. You just have to trust me, you have to let me help. Can you do that?”

  Drew nodded against him as another sob tore through him. The man Russ had killed, he’d only been thirty-two, with a wife and a baby boy. He hadn’t deserved the fate Russ had designed for him. No money or business deal, no leg up over his competitors, was worth an innocent man’s life. That thought had haunted him since he’d put the pieces together. This wasn’t just about him, about being safe from Russ. This was about doing what was right.

  “I want… I want to try to make things right,” he said, clutching Sam’s shirt. “I want to get justice for the family of the man he killed. I want them to know that he wasn’t careless, that it wasn’t his fault. Can you help me do that?”

  Sam sighed against him, his body relaxing. “I can help and I will. But I need you to honest with me from here on out. Completely honest. No half-truths or leaving things out, got it?”

  Drew looked up, meeting Sam’s determined gaze.

  “I’ll be honest with you. About all of it. I promise.”

  “Good,” Sam replied, leaning in to place a kiss on Drew�
�s forehead. Drew wished it was his lips, or his neck, or that little groove above his collar bone. But that was getting distracted and neither of them could afford to do that right then.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Sam woke Matt at lunchtime to have him up and out in time for the appointment. Drew was going to stay in the apartment, the door locked, and he wasn’t going to answer it unless it was Sam.

  It was with a mixture of relief and reluctance that he waved them off. Matt still looked like hell, except that he’d washed his hair. Drew guessed that would only help. If he’d turned up clean-shaven and perfectly turned out, maybe they’d be less likely to take into account his symptoms with the gravity needed.

  While they were gone, he kept himself busy. Starting with the kitchen, he cleaned everything in sight, going so far as to empty the refrigerator and clean it out, too. The oven took a lot of scrubbing but he was thankful for something physical to put his mind to.

  Worries plagued him even as he worked. That Matt wouldn’t get the help he needed. That Sam wouldn’t get the time off work. That Diego had moved, because how would Drew find him then?

  He forced himself to push those thoughts to the back of his mind. If it came to it, he still had other ways to contact him. He’d vowed he’d never use the email address again, and he suspected Diego would have scrubbed it once he’d figured out what Drew had sent. But Diego was clever. He always left friends like Drew a way to track him down.

  A sound at the door had him up and moving, crouching down behind the kitchen counter out of view of the doorway. He heard it open and a moment later, Sam spoke.

  “Just me, Drew.”

  Relieved, his heart still pounding, he clambered to his feet, sheepishly peering out at Sam.

  “You’re back.”

  “Yeah,” Sam replied, hanging up his jacket.

  “Where’s Matt?” The other man was conspicuous in his absence.

  “They’ve admitted him. The doctor met with him, then the psychologist. And both of them spoke with me. They were really great, they understood how serious things were straight away. I think they talked to him about meds, but they want to do that while he’s under observation. They said sometimes it increases the suicide risk because the meds give more energy while the mood is still on the floor.” He paused. “Sorry, I’m rambling. It was an intense afternoon. Bottom line is, he’s in there and he’s safe. I’m going to swing by his apartment, pack up some things for him, and drop them into the hospital. I’ve called his sister and his mom and they’re both coming to the city for a week or two. They’ll crash in his place.”

  Leaning against the door, he gave Drew a tired smile. “Work has given me a week of leave starting the day after tomorrow. I was thinking we’d spend tomorrow drawing up some plans and making sure Matt is settled, then head off on our road trip. The sooner we move on this, the better. I’m guessing Russell is going to start getting impatient. If he can’t get to you directly, he’ll look for other ways. Maybe that’ll be Logan or your Dad. More than likely, it’ll be me. I’ve already called my landlord, Vex, and given him a heads up. He’s a vet, too. Doesn’t take any nonsense, so if Russell tries anything, he’ll shut it down. He’s also going to check the building’s cameras, see if anything suspicious shows up.”

  “Do you think it will?” Drew asked.

  Sam seemed in two minds about answering, and a moment later, Drew learned why. “There’s someone across the street watching the apartment entrance. There was a man there yesterday and a different one there today.”

  “Watching… watching for me?”

  “Can’t be certain, but probably.”

  He almost asked why but that was obvious, wasn’t it? Now that Russell had found him again, he had no intention of losing track.

  “What if they come in here looking for me?”

  “You stay inside, you don’t answer the door. If anyone tries to get in, call nine-one-one. I’ll ask Vex to keep an eye out.”

  “You’re leaving me alone?”

  He hated how needy he sounded. Sam didn’t owe him anything. Let alone an explanation. Sam sighed, rolling his shoulders as he leaned against the door.

  “Come here,” was all he said. When Drew hesitated, Sam grew more insistent. “Drew.”

  He crossed the room towards Sam, noting how tired the other man looked. Once he was within arm's reach, Sam caught him by the hand, tugging him closer.

  “It’s okay to be scared, to be freaked out. But I don’t believe you’re in any immediate danger right now. I think they’re watching and waiting. They know you can’t stay in here forever.”

  “But then how am I going to leave and get the eviden—”

  Sam pressed a finger to his lips, silencing him.

  “I have a plan for that, I promise. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Right now, I have to go to get Matt sorted. After that, I’ll swing by the store and pick up some food. We’ll have dinner and get a good night’s sleep, in a bed this time, and tomorrow we’ll work out our next steps. Okay?”

  Sighing, his shoulders sagging, Drew could do nothing but agree, still worried that Sam was wrong about him just being watched. “Okay. But what if—”

  “Then you dial nine-one-one.”

  “You don’t even know what I was going to ask.”

  “It’s not hard to figure out what’s worrying you. The same kind of things that are worrying me, except I have the experience to read a situation like this. I promise, the second I think things are going to escalate, we’ll get you somewhere safe.”

  “Where’s safe from Russell?” he asked morosely.

  “I can think of a place or two,” Sam replied, running his thumb across the inside of Drew’s wrist.

  “I feel safe with you,” Drew pointed out.

  “And I’m not always going to be there. Which is why we have to tackle this the right way. You don’t want to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life.”

  That he didn’t.

  He turned the tables on Sam, encircling his wrist with cool fingers, feeling the beat of Sam’s pulse against him.

  “Thank you for doing this. It seems like you put everyone else ahead of you.”

  “Story of my life,” Sam said with a wry smile. “I had better get going. I want you to text me every thirty minutes so I know you’re okay.”

  “Of course. Should we have a code word?”

  Sam looked like he wanted to laugh but was holding it back with difficulty. “Why not? Needs to be something ordinary, that no one would suspect.”

  “I’ll put an x at the end of my message if I’m in trouble. No x, all is good.”

  Sam raised an eyebrow at that. “Do you normally end a message with a kiss?”

  He blushed. “Good point. Okay, if I sign off with my full name then. Consider that a call for help.”

  “Got it. Don’t leave the apartment, okay? Not for any reason. If the fire alarm goes off, call Vex. I’m sending you his number now.” He tugged his phone from his pocket. “I’ll be back in a few hours. Call me if anything comes up.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Sam didn’t delay in his tasks for the evening. As much as he’d done his best to reassure Drew that he was safe, he knew the situation was unpredictable. Leaving him alone for any significant length of time was unwise.

  It was outside of visiting hours when he arrived back at the hospital, so he dropped Matt’s things off and left, swinging by the grocery store for food and the local Chinese to pick up dinner.

  Drew was sitting on the couch when he arrived back, staring into space.

  “I brought dinner,” he said, and Drew shook off his daydream and stood, helping unpack the bags.

  They ate on their laps on the couch, going for comfort over anything else. It had been a long day. And the days ahead were only going to get longer.

  “Maybe it would be better if I went alone to see my friend Diego,” Drew said. While Sam wasn’t exactly surprised at the suggestion, it was unconnected t
o what they’d just been talking about. Drew was clearly distracted, and no wonder. There was a metaphorical ax hanging over his head and he was just waiting for it to fall.

  “How would that be better?”

  Drew tapped a chopstick against the carton in his hand. “The only person I’d be putting at risk is me. I’m comfortable with that. Not so comfortable dragging you along for the ride.”

  “And if Russell tries to intercept you on the way there? Or if he follows you and finds Diego?”

  “That would be bad,” Drew intoned, setting his food down and resting his chin on his hand.

  “That’s why you need me with you. I’m trained in this sort of thing, Drew. I’ll know if we’re being followed, I know how to shake a tail if we have one. I can handle myself and keep you safe if they try a direct assault. Can you say the same?”

  “No. Superhero ninja skills I don’t possess,” Drew said, mouth turned down in a frown. “I do make a mean cup of coffee though. Do you want one?”

  “Why not?” Sam said, watching Drew’s expression brighten.

  “There’s still some of those nice beans left.” Drew got to his feet and crossed to the cupboard.

  Sam watched him make the coffee, pleased to see steady hands. Despite Drew’s fears, he was holding it together. All Sam had to do was keep him that way, until they got what they needed and brought it to someone who could do some good with it.

  The next day was a flurry of activity. Sam went out to buy some supplies for their journey, leaving Drew in the apartment to prepare food to take with them. In the early afternoon, Sam went to visit Matt.

  He knocked on the open door before he looked in. Matt was sitting on a chair next to the bed, staring at the walls.

  “Hey, Matt.”

  His friend looked up, giving him a weak smile. “Hey, Sam. Thanks for bringing my stuff in last night. Nice to have my own clothes and things. They took my razor though.” He scrubbed a hand across his chin. “Supervised shaving only.”