A Mother by Nature

by Caroline Anderson

After Adam had gone she checked the list of patients again to make sure she’d got beds available, and when he rang from the clinic at ten to three she confirmed that, emergencies permitting, they would have room for his extra two cases.

  ‘Good. I’ve told them I’ll ring them in the morning if I can’t do it. They’re coming in at eight, starved and ready to prep—I thought that was better than having them overnight unnecessarily, just in case we need the beds for something else. Are you going home now?’

  ‘Shortly. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten the children.’

  She heard his low chuckle. ‘Sorry. It’s hard to stop worrying. Old habits die hard.’

  ‘Like old soldiers. Relax, Adam, it’s all under control. We’ll see you later.’

  Anna hung up the phone, handed over the keys to Allie and left. As she drove to Jasper’s nursery school, she found herself humming softly. It was just what she needed. Previously, when she’d gone off duty, the rest of the day had seemed to hang on her hands sometimes.

  Now it was full, and not only full but fulfilling. She realised she was having a ball. The children were wonderful, and she was having more fun with them than she could have imagined. The boys were warm and spontaneous and cuddly, and even Skye was starting to mellow.

  Life was better than it had been for years. Possibly better than ever.

  ‘Anna, could you help me do my bedroom?’ Skye asked on Wednesday after school, when Adam was still at work.

  ‘Of course. What do you want to do?’

  ‘Finish the walls—the paper’s all half-off and I want to make it tidy and nice. Daddy’s done the sitting room—it’s all ready now for the wallpaper, he says, but it looks much better. I know we can’t stick on the paper, but can we make it clean like that?’

  ‘Of course,’ Anna agreed, and they spent the next couple of evenings scraping damp wallpaper while the boys played around underfoot and shot each other with mock guns made of cardboard tubes.

  And by Friday night, it was filled and sanded and ready for painting or papering.

  ‘I want it all pretty cream and pink,’ Skye told her. ‘Daddy says it can be painted, but I want it all swirly.’

  ‘We can do swirly with paint,’ Anna said confidently, and demonstrated some ragging and sponging techniques for Skye.

  ‘Like that,’ Skye said about the colourwashing. ‘In pink and cream.’

  And so on Saturday afternoon, when Adam came home from the hospital, Anna was up a ladder with Skye below her on the lower part of the wall, and they were painting.

  ‘Good grief,’ he said faintly, hesitating, dumb-struck, in the doorway.

  ‘Hi,’ Anna said, brushing a strand of paint-streaked hair out of her eyes. ‘I hope you don’t mind—Skye asked if I could give her a hand, so we’re having a go at colourwashing.’

  ‘So I can see,’ he said, bemused. ‘Um, want a hand? I’ll change.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  He was back in a minute or two, dressed in scruffy jeans with a rip in the knee and dribbles of paint all over them, and Anna realised he was no stranger to decorating. ‘I’ll start the woodwork,’ he said, and, picking up a piece of discarded sandpaper, he moved in on the window.

  It took the whole weekend, but by Sunday night Skye was back in her bedroom and it looked lovely.

  ‘All you need now is a new carpet and some curtains,’ Adam told her. ‘You’ll have to choose them next weekend—and then, I suppose, we should tackle the boys’ room.’

  ‘We’, Anna thought, and wondered if that included her. She thought so, and felt warm inside.

  ‘What about your room?’ she asked as they went downstairs when the children were settled. ‘Are you going to do anything with that?’

  ‘Not yet,’ he said with a weary laugh. ‘Not until the sitting room and kitchen and hallway are sorted out, and the boys’ room is finished, and I’ve refitted both bathrooms.’

  ‘Not this week, then,’ she said with a smile, and he laughed again, hugging her to his side.

  ‘No, not this week. Thanks for helping Skye. You’re a star.’

  ‘My pleasure.’

  He pushed the kitchen door shut, turned her into his arms and kissed her hungrily. ‘I miss you,’ he said gruffly after a long, lingering moment, resting his forehead against hers. ‘We never seem to get any private time any more.’

  ‘We could go to my house—we could ask one of the girls next door to babysit,’ she suggested.

  His eyes darkened, and he kissed her again. ‘You’re full of good ideas,’ he murmured, and then they heard Skye’s footsteps overhead and he straightened and moved away from her, going to the bottom of the stairs and looking up. ‘Are you all right, Skye?’

  Her voice drifted down from upstairs. ‘Just going to the loo,’ she said, and he came back and sighed.

  ‘I’ll get a babysitter,’ he said with a chuckle. ‘This is trashing my nerves.’

  Of course, if they weren’t trying to pretend that there was nothing between them, Anna thought later, there wouldn’t be a problem. If the children came into the room and found them in each other’s arms, it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t matter if they were married—it would be expected.

  She looked at the shower cubicle in her own bathroom, and sighed. She wanted a bath. She just fancied lying down and having a long, hot soak.

  Surely Adam wouldn’t mind? She changed into her dressing-gown and went downstairs, washbag and towel in hand. He was just coming out of Skye’s bedroom, and she asked if it was all right.

  ‘Of course it’s all right. I was just thinking the same thing. You go first, I’ll follow you. I’ll have your water—the tank’s not that efficient and the kids have already had a bath. Give me a knock when you’ve finished.’

  Anna nodded and went into the bathroom, filled the bath with steaming water and soaked for as long as she felt was fair. It felt wonderful, but Adam was waiting, and after all it was his bath. She washed quickly, dried herself, wound her hair into a turban and went along to his room, tapping softly on the door.

  He opened it instantly and came out, a tender smile on his face. ‘You’re all wet,’ he murmured, and brushed a little trickle away from her throat with his thumb. It dragged slightly against her skin, astonishingly erotic, and he bent his head and took her mouth in a searing, mind-blowing kiss that left her shaken to her foundations.

  ‘Dear God, I want you,’ he said unsteadily, and his eyes seemed to scorch her already heated skin. They tracked to the neck of her dressing-gown, which had fallen open to reveal the soft swell of her breasts, and his lids grew heavy with desire. ‘I’ll come to you later,’ he promised in a charged undertone. ‘After midnight, when the children are really asleep.’

  ‘OK.’ She backed away, her eyes locked with his, then turned and ran lightly up the stairs to her room, need pouring through her. The waiting was agonising. It was hours before she heard his footsteps on her landing, and then he slid into bed beside her, his body hot and taut and needy.

  There were no preliminaries. They weren’t necessary. She reached for him and took him in her arms, and he moved over her and entered her with one swift, desperate thrust. She wrapped her arms around him tighter, clinging to him as he drove them both over the brink.

  ‘I love you,’ he said rawly, as if the words were torn from him without permission, and then his body shuddered against hers, and his arms tightened convulsively as if he were trying to hold her close against him for ever.

  The tears she’d held in check spilled over, and she laid a tender, fervent kiss against his stubbled cheek. ‘I love you,’ she whispered, and his mouth found hers in a kiss that seemed full of desperation.

  He said her name almost soundlessly, reverently, and then, with one last, lingering kiss, he left her.

  Anna lay without moving, her emotions raw. What had happened? Something was different, some element of desperation and despair. A terrible foreboding filled her, a deep fear that something had changed or was about to ch
ange, and that she was going to lose Adam.

  You’re getting paranoid, she told herself crossly. Nothing’s changed.

  And yet, if that was so, why had their emotions been so intense—and why, when he’d said her name, had it sounded like a prayer?

  CHAPTER TEN

  ANNA wasn’t wrong. Something had changed. After that night Adam didn’t come to her again, neither did he take up her suggestion that they should get a babysitter and take some time out at her house.

  In itself that didn’t matter. She didn’t miss their love-making so much as the closeness it brought, and that was missing in other parts of their lives as well.

  Gone were the fleeting touches, the stolen kisses in the pantry, the little pats on the bottom as she passed him on the landing. Instead, she caught the occasional brooding look, and sometimes she surprised a look of sadness in his eyes.

  He’s going to end it, she thought. He’s just waiting until the new au pair comes, and he’s going to end it.

  She felt sick at the thought, and so she buried herself in her work, helped the children with their homework, started on the decorating in the boys’ room and fell into bed exhausted each night.

  Adam was out later and later, going back to the hospital at every opportunity, and even Danny noticed it.

  ‘Why is Daddy so busy?’ he asked on Thursday evening. He was pushing pasta shapes around his plate, and Anna looked at him closely.

  Poor little love, she thought. They’re all so fragile, so emotionally vulnerable. Every last little nuance of Adam’s moods affected them, and they were leaning on her more and more for support.

  That was fine—unless Adam did intend to end their relationship, in which case how would they cope?

  She vowed to take it up with him that night, to tackle him about it and ask him if that was what he intended. She had to know. The waiting was killing her.

  And then the phone rang, and the woman from the au pair agency asked to speak to him.

  ‘I’m sorry, he’s at work. Can I take a message?’

  ‘Oh, if you would,’ the woman said, sounding relieved. ‘It’s just that the au pair we promised him has broken her leg, skiing, and she won’t be able to come for at least six weeks, and I don’t have another replacement, not at this time of the year. I’m so sorry. Could you ask him to come back to me if he wants to discuss it further?’

  ‘Sure,’ Anna agreed, and cradled the phone.

  ‘Who was it?’ Skye asked.

  ‘The au pair agency. Your new au pair’s broken her leg and she can’t come on Sunday.’

  ‘Yippee!’ Danny yelled, leaping up from the table and sending his pasta shapes flying. ‘We get to keep you!’

  He threw himself at Anna, and she caught him, hugging him automatically.

  ‘We’ll see,’ she said cautiously. ‘I’ll have to talk to your father about it.’

  ‘Talk to his father about what?’ Adam said from behind her.

  ‘The au pair’s not coming, Anna said so, and she’s going to stay instead,’ Danny said, totally altering the slant on it.

  She met Adam’s steely eyes frankly. ‘It wasn’t quite like that,’ she began, but he cut her off.

  ‘Really? Perhaps you’d care to explain how it was, then. Children, up to bed, please.’

  ‘But we haven’t had pudding!’ Jasper said indignantly.

  ‘Take a yoghurt up with you. I want to talk to Anna.’

  They trailed off, and she turned to face him, her anger boiling out of control. ‘What the hell was all that about?’ she demanded in a furious undertone.

  ‘I might ask you the same thing. I come in and my son tells me you’ve cancelled the au pair and you’re staying on in her place—’

  ‘She’s broken her leg.’

  ‘So we’ll have a different one.’

  ‘There isn’t one.’

  ‘How convenient.’

  She stepped back, shocked. ‘You really think I’d do that? Cancel your au pair and tell the children I’m staying, without discussing it with you?’ She wheeled round, too angry with him to stand there, and he came after her, grabbing her arm and turning her to face him.

  ‘Anna, stop. What are you doing?’

  ‘Packing,’ she said crisply. ‘Let go of my arm.’

  ‘No. You can’t go.’

  ‘Watch me.’

  ‘Dammit, talk to me!’

  ‘Why? So you can misinterpret everything I say? Go to hell, Adam.’

  He released her. ‘You’re too late,’ he said softly. ‘I’m already there.’ He turned away. ‘For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to jump down your throat. It’s just that I’m finding this situation between us more and more difficult, and I was looking forward to getting back to normal.’

  Without me, she thought, and her heart nearly stalled.

  ‘We need to talk about this,’ she said, but his bleeper went, and moments later he left the house, looking relieved.

  Saved by the bell, she thought bitterly, and then the children crept down the stairs, looking ashen.

  ‘Is he angry with us?’ Skye asked tensely.

  ‘No, darlings, of course he’s not. He’s just disappointed that the au pair can’t come.’

  ‘He didn’t sound dis’pointed,’ Danny commented with characteristic bluntness. ‘He sounded cross.’

  ‘He’s tired,’ Anna said, making excuses for him when actually she wanted to string him up and hang him out to dry. ‘He’ll be all right later. He’s working very hard.’

  She gave them their pudding, bathed them and put them to bed, then cleared up the kitchen. She’d cooked for herself and Adam, but she had no idea what time he’d be home and, anyway, she wasn’t hungry.

  She watched television in the sitting room for a while, then checked the children and went up to her room, sitting in the dark and waiting for him. At ten-thirty the phone rang, and she ran down to answer it in his bedroom.

  ‘Anna, it’s me. I’m in Theatre. I’ve had an emergency, and it’s going to take longer than I thought. Don’t wait up for me, I could be hours. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  In fact, he didn’t make it home at all, and she took the children in to the hospital with her at seven next morning.

  ‘Go and find something to do in the playroom,’ she told them, and went to speak to the night sister. ‘Seen Adam?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes, a little while ago. He’s in ICU. He’s been in Theatre all night, he looks like death warmed up. I told him to go home to bed, but he says he can’t. He’s got a fracture clinic.’

  ‘Thanks,’ she said, and went to find the children. They were happy with the toys, so she left them to it and took over the ward and started on the morning routine.

  The taxi driver came as usual and took the children off. Unusually, Jasper was clingy.

  ‘You’ll have a lovely time at school,’ Anna assured him comfortingly. ‘And, anyway, it’s Friday. It’s the weekend tomorrow—we’ll do something nice together, all right?’

  ‘Promise?’

  ‘I promise,’ she said fervently, and hoped that Adam did nothing to make her break it.

  Adam appeared at eight-thirty for a quick ward round, and he looked awful. Her natural sympathy came to the fore, and she remembered his words the night before when she’d told him to go to hell. ‘I’m already there,’ he’d said, and today he looked it.

  ‘Why don’t you get your registrar to do your fracture clinic so you can rest?’ she suggested.

  ‘He already is. We’re both doing it. He’s no better than me—we were both up all night.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  He sighed and met her eyes, and his were redrimmed and bloodshot. ‘How are my patients?’ he asked wearily.

  ‘All right. Damian’s thriving—still in a little pain but much better. Richard’s moving better for the physio—I’ll get the notes and come round with you, if you like.’

  ‘I can manage,’ he said. Taking the notes from her, he went
and spoke to each of his patients in turn, checking the charts on the end of the beds, talking to them, making notes.

  ‘Thanks,’ he said when he’d finished, handing back the notes. ‘And if you get a minute, could you contact the employment agencies and see if you can get a nanny for the evenings next week?’

  ‘We need to talk about this,’ she said firmly, but he shook his head.

  ‘There’s nothing to say. I can’t go on with this. My parents are back on Monday night, they can cover some of the time—perhaps the nights. I just need someone for after school.’

  ‘So get your secretary to ring,’ Anna snapped.

  ‘Fine, I will. I just thought you might like to do it as you know what’s expected.’

  ‘Or what’s needed? They aren’t quite the same thing, Adam, as you well know.’

  His jaw tensed, and he turned away. ‘I can’t handle this. I’ll see you later.’

  ‘No, you damn well won’t,’ she said tightly in an undertone. ‘One minute you tell me you love me, the next minute you won’t talk to me and you’re telling me to find a replacement au pair. What the hell is going on?’

  He looked back into her eyes, and his face was etched with lines of pain. ‘Don’t, Anna. Don’t make it harder.’

  ‘Make what harder? Are you telling me it’s over? Because, if so, I think you might at least have the decency to do it in private!’

  She spun on her heel and walked off, almost running into the treatment room and busying herself with sorting and tidying the sterile supplies. Hot tears spilled over her cheeks, and she dashed them away angrily.

  She never cried! She absolutely never cried, at least not about men, and now this man seemed hell bent on tearing her heart into little pieces.

  ‘We’ll talk tonight,’ he said from the doorway. ‘After the children are asleep.’

  ‘Don’t force yourself,’ she said, her voice clogged with tears.

  ‘Dammit, Anna—’

  ‘Don’t “dammit” me,’ she said, spinning round and not caring if he saw the tears welling in her eyes and dripping off her chin. ‘I’m not a toy, Adam. You can’t just pick me up for your amusement and then drop me because it ceases to be convenient.’