My Name Is Leon

by Kit de Waal

  “Jake is still a very young baby.”

  “Yes,” says Leon.

  “He needs to be in a family.”

  “Yes,” says Leon.

  “Lots of families are looking for babies.”

  “Yes,” says Leon.

  “You love Jake, don’t you, Leon?”

  “Yes.”

  “Everyone knows how much you love your little brother. Even though you look very different, you can see you’re brothers and that you love each other. Maureen’s always telling me how you let him play with your toys and he will only sleep on your lap and no one else’s. And that’s lovely.”

  Leon nods.

  “Wouldn’t you like Jake to be in a family with a mom and dad of his own?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s what we want as well. We want every child to have the best. You and Jake and all the other children who can’t be looked after by their first family.”

  Salma takes one of Leon’s hands out of his lap and he’s glad he remembered to clean them.

  “You’re not a little boy now, Leon. You’re nine. You’re nine years old and so tall that you look about eleven or twelve, don’t you? Yes. Or thirteen. A lot of people think you’re older than you are. And you’re very sensible as well. You had a long time looking after other people, didn’t you, and that made you grow up very fast. Oh, I know you still like your toys and your games, but still.”

  Salma looks at Leon’s hand and puts it back where it was. She then folds hers together and coughs. Leon sees her look at Jake. Then she looks at Maureen and he wonders if she’s asked a question because no one speaks for quite some time.

  So Leon says, “Yes.”

  “Leon, we’ve got a family that want to look after Jake. They want to be Jake’s new parents. Isn’t that good, Leon? Jake is going to have a new mommy and daddy.”

  “Yes.”

  “And soon, one day, a family will come along that will want you for their little boy.”

  Leon nods.

  “Do you understand, Leon? Jake is going to be adopted. That means he’s going to have a new forever family. But even though he won’t be living with you anymore you will still be able to get letters from him and find out all about him.”

  Leon looks at Maureen before he speaks.

  “Jake can’t write.”

  Salma laughs very loud and Leon knows she’s pretending.

  “Of course he can’t! He’s only ten months old! No. His new mommy and daddy will write the letter to you and probably even send a photograph as well. See!”

  She has his hand again.

  “I know this is hard for you, Leon. Very hard. We wish things were different but if Jake is going to have a chance . . .”

  Maureen is up. “Thanks, Salma. He understands, don’t you, pigeon?”

  Maureen taps his neck-back and inclines her head to the kitchen.

  “Curly Wurly?”

  Leon gets up and goes into the kitchen. It isn’t Saturday. It isn’t Christmas and his room is very untidy, so why he’s getting a Curly Wurly is a mystery. Then again, he has been very polite. He hasn’t interrupted, answered back, or tried to be too clever by half. There are three other Curly Wurlys in the cupboard and, as he’s the only one in the house who eats them, Leon smiles. Maybe every time Salma comes and he doesn’t lose his temper he’ll get a Curly Wurly. He eats it in the kitchen but, before he’s finished, Maureen calls him back in to say goodbye to Salma while she changes Jake in the bathroom. Salma puts her hand on his shoulder and shows him her sad smile again.

  “You’re a good boy, Leon. I know this is hard and you’re a good brother to Jake but we have to think of his future.”

  “Yes.”

  Later, when Jake’s in bed and Leon’s watching TV, Maureen asks him about what Salma said.

  “She means it, you know, love. Did you understand that, Leon? Jake is going to be adopted.”

  “What’s adopted?”

  “Jake is going to have a new mom and dad.”

  “Why?”

  “Because, love. Just because. Because he’s a baby, a white baby. And you’re not. Apparently. Because people are horrible and because life isn’t fair, pigeon. Not fair at all. And if you ask me, it’s plain wrong and—”

  She stops suddenly and winks.

  “Tell you what. Now His Nibs is finally asleep, let’s you and me get the biscuit tin out.”

  She comes back with a massive mug of coffee and the Golden Tin, which everyone knows is never allowed in the front room but this is, after all, a day of sad social workers and spontaneous Curly Wurlys, so Leon says nothing. As she squashes a cushion into the small of her back, Maureen lets out a sigh that to Leon sounds a little bit shaky and he can hear something in her throat when she speaks.

  “You stay here with your Auntie Maureen, love. Eh? We’re happy enough, aren’t we? You stay here with me.”

  10

  It’s clear to Leon that Salma is mistaken and there aren’t lots and lots of families looking for babies because February vacation comes and goes and Jake is still reigning over 43 Allcroft Avenue. Leon still has to share his toys and Jake still has to sleep on Leon’s legs. The only thing that’s changed is that Jake has two teeth coming at the bottom and where he keeps dribbling onto his chin it’s sore with a rash. Leon has to dab it carefully, otherwise Jake cries for ages and no one gets any peace.

  Then one day, Maureen comes to collect him from school on her own.

  “Where’s Jake?” he asks.

  “Salma and a nice lady and her husband are looking after him for half an hour. Just you and me. Great, isn’t it?”

  Leon knows she’s pretending. Maureen takes his hand when they cross the road and she hasn’t done that for ages. She says that they are going the long way home, under the subway and through the park. She walks very slowly and keeps stopping to look at houses and plants and asking Leon about school. Then she produces from her pocket a small pack of chewing gum.

  “Here you are, love. Have these but spit them out before you get home. I don’t want gum on the carpet.”

  There’s only Salma and Jake at home when they get back and Leon sees Salma nod at Maureen as soon as they get through the door. It was a nod that puts Maureen in a bad mood for the rest of the day. The next day is Saturday, so Leon plays with Jake as quietly as he can and they both watch baby programs on the TV. By the afternoon he thinks Maureen’s bad mood has worn off, because while Jake is having his nap she calls him into the kitchen and puts two chairs close together. She sits down on one and makes him sit on the other.

  “You know Jake’s been having some visitors this week, don’t you? While you’ve been at school, he’s had a nice man and a nice lady spending some time with him, playing with him, and taking him to the park.”

  Leon says nothing.

  “Well, those people are coming for Jake today, love.”

  She brings his head down on to her shoulder and begins rocking backward and forward. Leon feels a little bit sick from the rocking and he thinks he must have put the wrong vest on because all his clothes feel wrong all of a sudden. He’s very uncomfortable sitting there too close to Maureen.

  “We’ll say goodbye to Jake and then you and me can have a good old cry if we want.”

  She’s very hot. Leon tries to sit up. He wants to ask her a question and it’s the same question that he’s tried to ask Salma three or four times but he knows that when he’s asked the question and he gets the answer then everything is going to be worse. And until he asks this question everything will stay the same. But now, because the people are coming for Jake, Leon knows he’s running out of time. He manages to pull back so he can see Maureen’s face. It’s all pink and blotchy and her chest is going up and down. She’s started crying without him.

  “Am I going with him?”

/>   Maureen doesn’t say anything right away but she swallows something down. Then when she does start talking she sounds funny and her bottom lip is wet and loose.

  “No, pigeon. No. You’re staying with your Auntie Maureen.”

  Almost as soon as she says that the bell rings and Maureen gets up. She puts her hand on Leon’s shoulder and squeezes it hard.

  Salma and two other people come in. They keep smiling at him and they are all talking at the same time, trying to see who can say the nicest things to him, and considering Jake is asleep upstairs they are all being much too loud. First of all, Maureen brings down the small blue-checked suitcase and gives it to the lady, who gives it to the man, who says he’ll put it straight in the car. Then Maureen goes back upstairs and gets Jake, who’s just waking up. If you let Jake sleep and sleep and sleep without being disturbed he wakes up in a great mood. He starts smiling before he even opens his eyes and the blue middle bit is all sparkly and bright and the black middle bit is dark and shiny. He starts waving and shouting and even when he had his rash he would be laughing about nothing at all. When Leon sees Jake he goes straight over to him and Jake leans out of Maureen’s arms and pulls Leon’s hair.

  “Careful, Jake!” the lady says.

  “He doesn’t hurt,” says Leon. “He always does it. He wants to play with me.”

  The lady doesn’t look at Leon, she only looks at Jake, and her blue eyes are sparkly and bright as well because she’s trying not to cry like Maureen.

  Leon uncurls his brother’s fist and kisses it. Jake’s trying to get out of Maureen’s arms and Leon knows that he’s seen his yellow truck on the carpet. Suddenly, Leon’s pants are too tight and he wants to pee and his legs feel bendy and he’s very angry with Maureen. He picks up the yellow truck and gives it to Jake and tries to stand still. Something inside is telling him to run away or to hit the lady but Leon stands still. Everything goes quiet. Maureen hands Jake to the lady and Salma strokes Maureen on the back. The man keeps saying thank you and touching Jake on the top of his head. No one notices when Leon goes into the kitchen. No one notices when he takes the Golden Tin into the garden, throws the plain biscuits over the fence, and stuffs seven chocolate digestives into his pocket. When he goes back inside Salma and Maureen are standing at the door waving.

  “Come and wave, love,” says Maureen but Leon walks right past her and up the stairs and into his room. He takes the biscuits out of his pocket and slams them on his chest of drawers. He wants to eat them, all of them, one after another or even together all at the same time, but he doesn’t seem to have any room in his throat or his chest or in his belly.

  Leon begins to hum. He clamps his mouth shut but lets the noise squeeze out of his nostrils and between his lips. He hums the music to The Dukes of Hazzard and, while he does it, he pulls all the blankets off his bed. He hums the music to Jake’s baby program and kicks the wardrobe door open and throws all his clothes onto the floor. The lady who took him is in for a surprise if she lets that pacifier drop out. Leon knows all the words to that baby program, so instead of humming he begins to sing. He sings as loud as he can. He shoves and shoves his mattress until it slides off the bed and onto the floor and sings until his throat feels gravelly and sore. He rips his clothes out of his bureau and flings them across the room, singing and singing. He piles a blanket over his head and sits on the mess he’s made and he sings until he lets out every word and all the space comes back into his chest and his belly, until he isn’t angry with Maureen, so that when she opens his door he doesn’t want to hit her.

  She doesn’t say anything for a few moments and then she steps over his mattress and closes the curtains.

  “Coming down for your tea, love?”

  He knows she sees the biscuits that have fallen on the floor. If she tells him off he’ll have to be angry with her again. But she picks her way through the mess, gathers them up, and puts them on his bedside cabinet next to a photo he’s only just noticed. It’s of him and Jake on a cream shag carpet before Jake had his rash. And Maureen has put Jake’s Big Red Bear next to the picture frame.

  “You need something to remember your brother by. Jake won’t need Big Red Bear where he’s going. He’ll have lots more.”

  Maureen picks up Big Red Bear with its pale blue satin ribbon and tries to snuggle it next to Leon.

  She pretends that Big Red Bear can speak and moves it from side to side.

  “Time for tea,” says Maureen, trying not to move her lips.

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “Nor me,” she replies.

  Then Maureen kisses him on top of his head, which she has only done once before, when he had a nightmare about drowning. She touches him lightly on his neck-back.

  “Come on,” she says in her own voice. “We’ll skip our tea today. Skip tea and go straight to ice cream. We’ll tidy this up later.”

  Leon shuffles off the bed and follows Maureen downstairs.

  II

  At first Leon thinks he’s in a dream about fighting a dragon. But then Maureen is shaking him and he can’t seem to open his eyes.

  “Leon! Leon!”

  Somehow he is sitting next to her on the bed, and when he opens his eyes he can see from her face that something’s wrong.

  “You’re grinding your teeth again, Leon! It’s four o’clock in the bloody morning. Wake up!”

  One side of his face hurts and it feels like he hasn’t been asleep all night. He was fighting an evil monster that was picking up people with his claws and eating them. Blood dripped from the monster’s lips and some of it splashed on Leon and then the monster saw him and started chasing him. Leon ran and ran and then when he couldn’t run any more, he turned round and just when he was about to stab the monster and win, Maureen woke him up.

  “Honestly, Leon. I wish you could hear yourself. I’ve never heard nothing like it. Goes right through me. Leon! Don’t go back to sleep! Leon!”

  First of all she makes him take a pee even though he doesn’t want to. She stands at the door and the bathroom floor is cold on his bare feet. She tells him to sit down to pee because he’s too tired to stand, so it’s really hard to concentrate on making the pee come out but she won’t let him get off the toilet until he has done it. Halfway through he nearly falls off, so he has to hold on to the sink with one hand. Then the stairs feel wobbly under his legs and he’s grateful when Maureen says he can sit on the kitchen chair and have a biscuit.

  “Now where’s this all come from, eh?” she says, filling her spotty mug with boiling water. “As if I didn’t know.”

  Leon tries to rest his head on the table but she’s having none of it. She makes him sit up straight like he’s in school and drink his juice. He tries to eat his biscuit but it feels too heavy and it drops on to his lap and onto the floor. Leon is so tired and so angry with Maureen.

  “Right,” says Maureen, poking him in his neck-back. “I know you’re upset but you and me are having a talk. Take this and wipe your face.”

  She hands him a tea towel for his tears. It smells of mashed potato.

  “In there with you, on the sofa, and get the green blanket over you. Come on.”

  He does as he’s told and puts the green blanket over his legs even though he isn’t sick. Maureen sits down next to him and puts her coffee on the floor.

  “Right, mister. You awake now? You listening?”

  Leon nods.

  “Answer me this. How many children have I fostered over the years? I know you know the answer because I saw you eavesdropping the other day when I was talking to the new neighbors. So, go on. How many?”

  “Twenty-two,” he says.

  “Exactly. So I’ve fostered twenty-two children. How many children have I got of my own? Not counting stepchildren and we’ll come to them in a moment.”

  “Robert and Ann.”

  “Twenty-two and two?”
>
  “Twenty-four.”

  “How many kids have Robert and Ann got between them?”

  Leon screws up his eyes so he can think.

  “Three, Leon. Three. Now I don’t see them as often as I’d like on account of the fact that they live abroad but we’re going to count them because I did look after them when they were here. So, we were on twenty-four and we’re adding three.”

  “Twenty-seven.”

  “Good. How many stepkids?”

  “Two.”

  “Twenty-seven and two, Leon. I know you’re half-asleep but pay attention because this is important.”

  “Twenty-nine.”

  “Twenty-nine. We’re going to round it up to thirty, because that’s you. You’re number thirty. So, do you think I might know something about children, Leon?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you think there is anyone who knows more about children than me?”

  “A teacher?”

  “No, not a teacher because the teacher’s job finishes at half past three and my job never ends. And my job never ends because I look after you even when you’re not here because I think about you and I care for you and I love you. You and all the children that I’ve ever looked after. Do you understand, Leon?”

  “Yes.”

  “Right. Now listen carefully because I want you to understand something and I don’t say this to all the children because it’s not always true but with you it is true, so you have to believe it. And when you believe it you will stop grinding your teeth and I might be able to get five minutes’ sleep before sunrise. All right?”

  “Yes.”

  “It will be all right.”

  Maureen wipes Leon’s face with the corner of her dressing gown but because it’s made of the same silky stuff as the cushions his face is still wet and begins to itch.

  “You will be all right, Leon. You will be all right.”