Hubble Bubble

by Jane Lovering

  ‘Prime of life,’ I threw in gamely.

  ‘It’s old to be starting again. But I can, I will. I shall meet someone else, one day. I can see that I do have a future, even if that does start with pushing the book trolley around a geriatric ward, and I no longer want Richard to …’ She looked at me and her eyes were sunken under swollen eyelids. ‘His whole business is gone, and I know how much he loved that company. Everything he ever did was for his work, he put all of himself into it, his time and his energy, and I resented it, Holly. I hated his job as if it was his mistress, because that’s how he treated it, like someone more exciting than I could ever be. And now he’s lost it.’ She dropped her eyes to her hands, which fidgeted in her lap. ‘He’s suffered enough.’

  ‘But now it’s all running out of your control?’

  Vivienne stood up slowly. She seemed to have aged suddenly. ‘But the spell has worked for everyone else, so well. You have your Kai …’

  ‘He’s not “mine”.’

  ‘No matter. You and Kai are together, Megan has the dreadful Rufus who, as you pointed out, adores her far more than any man could ever do. Eve has met her David again and Isobel – well, Isobel seems to have back-pedalled on her wish. Maybe she’s realised that men aren’t the great catch they seem to be when you don’t have one. Now I’m afraid of what the spell might do to Richard.’

  I restrained myself from saying ‘you should have thought of that before’. ‘I’m sorry, Vivienne. If there’s anything I can do …?’

  Vivienne gave me a cautious smile. ‘Ah. Well. That is where I need your help, Holly, and this is why I asked you to come alone today.’ She carefully moved a tabby cat from the top of the dusty piano and retrieved a book which it had been lying on. ‘I’d like you to do a charm to keep Richard safe.’

  ‘Me? Why me? I never even …’ I had been going to say that I never even believed in any of the magic nonsense, but a quick audit of the results made me bite my tongue. ‘I mean, I never even knew it could be done.’

  Vivienne turned the pages of the book, causing little puffs of dusty air to swirl into the room like exhalations from a tomb. ‘This is the book I used.’

  I took the book out of her hand and began riffling through the pages, reading passages at random. It mostly seemed to be full of things about ‘freeing your inner creativity’ and ‘addressing the earth as mother’. There wasn’t a single spell in it, although there was a recipe for a thyme and parsley dressing which looked rather interesting. ‘But there’s no spells in here.’

  ‘No. It encourages a – how shall I put it – a freestyle approach to magic.’

  ‘You mean you made it up? All those horrible things you had us looking for?’

  ‘The book says that the more esoteric the ingredients one requests, the more intense will be the thought put into making the wish work.’

  ‘It’s a mind trick,’ I said, almost admiringly. ‘You make people focus on what they want, so anything they get looks like it’s the result of the spell. That’s actually quite clever, Vivienne.’ Then I frowned sternly. ‘But it’s a con.’

  ‘No. Lives have changed for the better, Holly,’ She tapped the book. ‘Because of the spell.’

  ‘So why do you need me to do the charm? If you created the spell, isn’t it your job?’

  Vivienne wore the expression you might give a five year old who wanted sweets for breakfast, patient but ever-so-slightly ‘you’re being stupid’. ‘I can’t change my own wish. I know how it works, you see, how it’s done. But someone else can change it for me.’

  ‘But you created the spell in the first place! Why can’t you create another one to counteract it?’

  ‘Because it’s all suggestion.’ Her lower lip trembled. ‘I need someone else to “suggest” to me! And you do have access to the warlock’s house, which I believe …’ her voice went a little faint and she cleared her throat. ‘No. I really do believe that house is the source of some kind of magic.’ Her voice was stronger now. ‘Please, Holly.’

  ‘I can’t do magic.’ I said in a dull voice.

  ‘But you can! Just look at the way the spell is working for you.’ She put the book very firmly into my hands again, even though I’d tried to leave it on top of the piano. ‘Just think magic. Be creative.’

  I gave her possibly the most unmagical look ever. ‘Sparkly party wings and fairy dust?’

  ‘If you like.’ She seemed happier now, as though devolving responsibility was enough. ‘But please make it soon, Holly.’ A moment’s thought. ‘Although, perhaps, not too soon.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘Just do something, anything, a little ritual. Anything you do in that house will magnify …’ Again her voice tailed off and she blinked quickly. ‘Yes. The warlock’s house will make the spell work,’ she said, with that heavy certainty of tone that people use when they’re trying to talk themselves into something.

  I found myself being escorted firmly to the front door of the little cottage. The sun was setting behind Dodman’s Hill and the shadows of the forest stretched and flexed across me as I started the car and turned the heater up to maximum. Two days until midwinter, and it hardly seemed worth the sun getting started in the mornings – it had barely climbed past the treetops and there it was sinking again. I sat for a moment and let the warming air blow over my feet; Vivienne’s cottage was picturesque but lacking in the centrally heated areas. I found myself wondering about Richard, her ex. It seemed very convenient that the cottage and everything in it was all in Vivienne’s name, particularly from a man whose company had just shot down the tubes, presumably with at least a little warning. Why hadn’t he at least tried to sell it before they split up? Why had he adopted such a complete hands-off policy with regard to his ex wife? Maybe he really had been having an affair with the large-breasted lady in Accounts, as Vivienne suspected, but the whole thing smelled of old fish to me.

  I drove round to Megan’s. Although she probably wouldn’t have a perspective, as such, she could usually manage a lateral angle on things. Today, however, her angle seemed to consist of lying down and trying to stretch an arm underneath the sofa.

  ‘Oh good,’ she said as I walked in. ‘You’re taller than me, see if you can reach it.’

  Obediently I lay down and reached under the green veloured monstrosity that she’d bought on such an enormous discount that it was unmissable, even if the result made it look as though she’d been cursed by leprechauns. ‘What are we grovelling under here for?’

  ‘Rufus dropped his ball and it rolled under.’

  I looked sideways and found a huge, grey head almost up against mine. An anxious eye rotated towards me, containing a world of ball-related worry. ‘Okay. Failure doesn’t seem to be an option here. He might eat me.’

  ‘He just wants his ball.’

  Luckily my fingertips managed to touch something and I groped it forwards until it rolled out. There was a snapping snatch by my ear and Rufus lay down, obviously considering himself whole once more.

  ‘Get him a bigger one,’ I said, standing up and trying for dignity whilst covered in dog fur and dribble.

  ‘Oh he’s got a bigger one. He prefers that one.’ Megan sat down and riffled Rufus’s fur. His look was pure adoration which I didn’t understand – I was the one who’d got the damn ball back. ‘Why did you come round? Not that I’m not grateful, but I thought you were busy doing the couple-thing with your grandad. Not your personal grandad, that would be odd and besides he’s Scottish, but the grandad-journalist guy.’

  ‘Thank you for that clarification, Meg, and I must introduce you to Kai soon, because you’ve obviously got some very strange ideas about him. Anyway, I came round to talk about Vivienne.’

  Megan bounced in her chair. ‘Ooh, is there some badass gossip? Is it the husband, has he finally done a solo car-park-dive?’ I explained Vivienne’s new position, and Meg looked disappointed. ‘Oh, pooh. She’s gone all obligay on us, hasn’t she?’

  ‘Oblique, and it’s
not really oblique if you change your mind, I don’t think. But now I’ve got to come up with a charm-type thingy so that I can tell Vivienne I’ve done it to protect Richard and, oh God, I’ve just thought, it’s nearly Christmas and we’re going to have to do something soon because Eve is coming to us for Christmas and …’ I realised I was hyperventilating and on the verge of tears, ‘I haven’t even done any shopping yet.’ And then I had to explain about Kai and Eve and the whole David thing.

  ‘Wow. So you’ve not so much gained a grandad as gained a mother-in-law as well. That is quite fast going, for someone who didn’t even want a man in the first place,’ Megan said, a little tersely. ‘I thought you said you were happy as you were?’

  ‘I was.’ I leaned forward earnestly and Rufus gave me a warning look. ‘Really, I was. But then it all suddenly seemed so shallow, all the unconnected sex and always getting up and leaving, never taking the time to build anything that might become more permanent. Even when I thought that was what I wanted. But Aiden showed me that it couldn’t go on, that if I wanted any kind of real life I had to commit to something, and then, there was Kai, all black leather and silver rings and the most terrific arse …’ I stopped and let the thought of the rangy writer fill my head. ‘And I think I might be in love.’

  ‘You must be. You’ve gone pink.’

  I fought the memories of long hands on my body, hair in my eyes and sweat pooling. ‘Bit warm. Anyway. Better, you know, pop off. Now I’ve filled you in.’

  ‘I thought you might have come round to tell me you were having a Christmas party! I mean, I’m going to Dad’s and Barbara’s this Christmas so I won’t be here on the day, but we ought to do something … Hey, what about us all having a midwinter solstice kind of thing? All us witch-girls? Midwinter is meant to be pretty auspicious, isn’t it?’

  I raised an eyebrow. ‘Okay. So you don’t know what oblique means, but you’re prepared to bandy words like auspicious about?’

  Megan hid her face in Rufus. ‘What can I say? Patchy education.’

  ‘Obviously. But you might be onto something. Midwinter, yes. We really ought to put on a bit of a show for that, shouldn’t we?’ I pulled my jacket back on. ‘I can feel a plan coming on.’

  ‘What sort of plan? Remember your last one, when that man thought we were blokes in drag? Anyway. I’m off out with Rufus. We’ve got a play date with a greyhound.’

  ‘Same one, or are you putting it about in the hound department?’

  ‘Same one. Cute owner, fast dog, keeps us both busy.’

  I left her brushing Rufus. She clearly wanted to make a good impression, because she was giving the dog a centre-parting, like a werewolf Little Lord Fauntleroy. I toyed with the idea of going back to my place, which was beginning to look a bit uninhabited, but settled for popping in to pick up some clean clothes and the post, and heading back to the Old Lodge.

  Kai was in the living room, on his laptop. He’d got a pencil clamped between his teeth and his fingers were travelling at near warp speed over the keys.

  ‘You have discovered the delete button, haven’t you?’ I pointed to the pencil. ‘You really don’t need a rubber.’

  ‘Ha. Gave up smoking last year. Still get the cravings when I write. Working on my story about the lads in Barndale Woods.’ He rattled away at the keyboard a bit more. ‘I’ve had a whisper that they’re moving on. Probably something to do with you …’ He shot me a quick look over the pencil. ‘Locking you in that shed wasn’t the smartest thing to do. They think they’ve got you intimidated over the witching thing, but they don’t know if you’ll stay quiet forever. So … getting away, good move, as far as they’re concerned. Bearing in mind that they think dealing drugs is a pretty clever way to make a living, so …’ A shrug and he chewed the pencil end, staring at the screen. ‘I’m going to have to be quick. Do something to drive them out into the open … If I could find where they’ve got the stuff it would be a start, but … there’s no cohesion, no narrative. Bugger. Anyway.’ He looked up at me, eyes gleaming. ‘Not your problem. How was Vivienne?’

  ‘She wants me to do a charm.’ I flopped onto the sofa, and then had a moment of good feeling that I was at home enough here to flop.

  ‘Intriguing. Tell me.’

  I rested my head on the sofa arm and told him. He spat the pencil onto the chair, he was laughing so much, and, when he heard that the whole spell thing had been made up, I seriously feared for his internal organs. Since meeting Eve he’d come down a little and lost some of the darkness that had surrounded him, even though he was still protesting a bit about the whole ‘spending Christmas’ thing. Kai was nicer relaxed, less edgy and easier to live with. Not that I was living with him, you understand, oh no, we were feeling our way into this relationship, creeping forward incrementally and trying to adjust to having someone who cared.

  ‘I’m wondering what you’re going to come up with for this charm,’ Kai calmed down enough to be able to speak, and took up the pencil again. ‘Are you going to make it obscure, or is it going to be a bit more down-home simplicity? I hear it’s amazing what you can do with two boiled eggs and a feather.’

  ‘It’s amazing what you can do with a feather.’

  His eyes were suddenly hot. ‘What can I say, I’m a talented guy.’

  ‘Ain’t that the truth.’ We looked at one another for a few moments. He was tapping the pencil between his fingers, playing it along his thigh. ‘And stop doing that. We’ve both got work to do.’

  He tipped his head on one side. ‘You worried we’re going to use up all the sexual mojo we’ve got going on?’

  I shrugged.

  ‘Hey, Holly, it doesn’t wear off you know. We make love. It’s never been that for me before, never.’

  ‘But we don’t know, do we?’ I burst out, jumping to my feet with a suddenness that made my ears sing. ‘Neither of us has ever managed to sustain anything that’s lasted longer than face paint! How do we know that we’re not going to get sick of the whole thing in a couple of weeks, and then you’ll sod off back to Hurgleflurgle-stan and I’ll …’

  ‘You’ll what?’ He stood up, carefully balancing the laptop on the chair. ‘What, Holly?’ A fingertip traced my cheekbone, tipped my chin so that I had to look him in the eye.

  ‘I’ll be left alone,’ I whispered. The hair on my neck was prickling at the way he looked at me. His eyes were sincere but guarded, as though he was shielding himself against my words. ‘Nick’s gone … If you go, what’s left? I used to think I liked being alone but …’

  ‘You liked being alone, or it was easier?’

  I had a quick flash of memory. The attempts I’d made when I was younger to reconcile dating with Nick’s unpredictable demands, the so-called ‘boyfriend’ who’d insulted him, the men who’d come and then gone again when they’d realised that I was always going to put my brother first. Always had to put him first. ‘Oh, none of it was easy,’ I half-whispered. ‘None of it.’

  ‘Holly,’ my name was an outbreath. A sigh. ‘Talk to me.’

  Fury whiplashed me, an anger I rarely let myself feel these days, and absolutely never let out. I bit my lip until it bled in an attempt to trap the words behind my tongue. ‘Nothing to say.’

  ‘It’s hurting you to keep it all inside. Please. You’re safe, I won’t get hurt like Nicholas, I won’t run. Just tell me, all those things you won’t even let yourself think.’

  His hair smelled of gooseberries and his eyes had softened in colour to a kind of creamy amber with vast, dark centres that I couldn’t stop myself staring into. ‘You need to let yourself feel, Holly. Before you can really let me in, you need to let the anger out.’ His hand moved, traced down the back of my neck and rested on my shoulder. ‘Make room for other emotions.’

  Something about the gesture made the rage flick its tail again and this time I let it. Leaned in to the solid warmth of the big Welshman and felt the heat rise. ‘He … he was fine when we were kids!’

  A slow nod. ‘Yeah.
Took him at adolescence?’

  ‘Nicky was twelve, almost to the day. I remember …’ A wet weight pressed the back of my eyes. ‘I came in from school and he was upstairs, I went up to see him and he …’ The hand on my shoulder squeezed. ‘He was standing by the window talking to someone who wasn’t there.’ My voice tailed off into a cough. There it all was again, the pain, the uncertainty, the fear … ‘And my parents wouldn’t believe … they thought it was just a phase, attention-seeking … even when he … and I had to be the good one, the steady one, I had to keep him safe and look after him and keep him calm and never lose my temper or be difficult or unpredictable or …’ I stopped and sucked in some much-needed air.

  ‘Or have a life.’ Kai bent and looked me in the eye. ‘It wasn’t his fault, Holly.’

  ‘I know!’ I let myself shout now. ‘I know all this! And my rational brain says it’s fine to go out and have a life and fall in love and not always have to be there for him but …’ The rock in my throat let a few tears escape past it. ‘But my heart couldn’t do it. Couldn’t do the double act, sensible, together Holly for Nicholas, no emotional overload, no recriminations, and yet be able to feel … really feel and react and throw itself into something. I’ve spent so long looking at the dark from this side, Kai’—the tears bubbled through and stroked a line down my cheeks—‘from his side. I don’t know if I know how to feel from the other side.’

  He caught my hand. ‘That’s perfectly understandable, Holly. Drifting along, taking care of Nick, turning a blind eye to all the rest of life because you cast yourself in the position of carer.’

  ‘But maybe it’s more than that. Maybe it’s not Nick, maybe it never was. What about if it’s just me? If I can’t ever feel anything real for someone?’ His hold on my hand tightened for a second then released as I moved away. ‘I’m sorry, Kai. This wasn’t a good idea.’

  ‘What wasn’t?’

  ‘This. You and me.’