Morning in Melbourne

by Nicole Taylor

  “I guess.” Peter was coming around.

  “Next time you want to raise a topic like that, run it by me first, OK?”

  Peter nodded. “Sure thing. Thanks bro.”

  “Anytime, bro.”

  Peter loped off and James looked at his mother, shaking his head. He pointed his finger at her and raised his eyebrows as he said “You owe me one.” And he disappeared back into his room.

  *

  Raising boys required – well, Louise had no idea what, especially. She was driving James home, having picked him up from Steph’s after an over-night date at her home. Brihony had all but adopted James, and apparently brought Steph and James breakfast in bed when he stayed overnight in Stephanie’s room. With Stephanie.

  “Well, they are 17,” thought Lou. “Almost 18 in fact. Actually, Steph is 18.” Louise felt better when she remembered that Steph was, legally, an adult; and James was not taking advantage of her. She felt outside the whole event. Never before had she felt that way about anything in James’ life. However, she did feel comfortable being outside this particular event. “Am I a coward?” she asked herself. “Is James missing out on some vital information or attitude-changing knowledge because he has me and not a male parent?” And then the ad came on the radio. Right there, with James in the car.

  “Do you want to last longer?” the assertive man asked everyone in radio-land. “Because Man-Up can help you make love for longer!” Louise tried to catch a peek at James without being seen. He was staring straight ahead of himself, concentrating.

  Louise felt she had to say something. She didn’t know how to begin so she just began. “You know, ten minutes kills it dead,” she said.

  “What?” James spoke as though she had interrupted his thoughts with an irrelevant piece of information.

  “Sex,” said Lou, determined to continue. “I don’t mean foreplay, but ten consecutive minutes of sexual intercourse is as much as a normal woman can stand.” She blinked and continued. “Any longer would be very uncomfortable for the woman.”

  James was dumbstruck and horrified. Louise pushed on.

  “I worry that all these ads give young, normal men the wrong idea.” She indicated a huge billboard advertising pills which proclaimed their power to embellish the masculine abilities of the young, handsome, buff male gym junkie in the picture.

  To her great relief, James was interested. So much so, that his interest was greater than his embarrassment at discussing such a thing with his mother. “What do you mean?” he asked tentatively.

  “Well, for one thing, these medicines are designed to help old men’s bodies behave like they did when they were 20 years younger. Young men don’t need medication to get an erection.”

  James laughed despite his embarrassment. Lou felt encouraged.

  “I mean, from my experience with men.”

  “Mum!” James wanted to make sure that some areas remained taboo.

  “When I was young and dating young men in their twenties,” continued Louise nobly, “it seemed that they had more trouble controlling their erections, than they did trying to get them.”

  They both laughed. James was nodding his head.

  Lou added “It was the old ‘is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?’ scenario.”

  James stopped laughing and nodding his head in reluctant but resigned agreement. “So, why all these ads, then, with young guys in them?”

  “That’s just how men of all ages see themselves,” explained Louise. James laughed. “It’s true!” Lou insisted. “And the advertisers have figured that out!”

  “So,” interrupted James, “you’re saying that men delude themselves and women don’t?”

  “No, I’m not saying that. Surely you’ve seen the ads with girls of 16 advertising wrinkle cream? That’s the same thing.” Louise paused, to glance at James, checking to see whether he was still engaged before continuing. “These ads are designed to appeal to the vanity of 50 plus year old men whose bodies are behaving appropriately.” Louise sighed. She really wanted to impart some useful information to her son and there didn’t seem any way of doing it without losing what remained of her maternal dignity. She would much prefer to be the innocent, biscuit-baking mother who listened and laughed. But this was a good opportunity and she couldn’t stop now.

  “These medicines – drugs – are not necessary. People slow down as they get older. A young man in his late teens and through his twenties can have sex a few times a day. That is normal. In his 30’s, that becomes once a day. In his 40’s, that becomes every other day. Men in their 50’s and older can have sex once or twice a week if they are sensible about their sexuality.”

  “What do you mean?” James had sensed that Louise had skirted around a topic.

  “Well, say a man is in his 20’s and can have sex ten times a week. He might only have the opportunity to actually have sex with his partner,” (she thought it best to add a partner, to suggest that his guy was in a monogamous relationship), “5 times a week; so, he might –“

  “Yeah, I get it Mum,” James was beyond embarrassment.

  “That’s good, James,” Lou tried to sound serious, “because some men don’t see that if they spend their sexual energies then they have to wait for them to be renewed. As they age, men have to wait longer. Some men can’t accept this, so they go for dangerous pills like the ones being advertised.” Lou thought James and she might never have this conversation again, and she wanted him at least to benefit from her experience. “When a man is older, it takes a lot of effort to have sex, so pornography and masturbating seem like an easy solution.”

  “Not only older guys use porn and masturbate, Mum,” James was feeling more confident with the subject matter now.

  “Sure, of course, but for older men, masturbating to porn can become a substitute for sex, because it doesn’t take any effort –“

  “Or they are single,” added James.

  “Yes,” Louise was becoming afraid she would never get to make her point. “That’s true, but what I am trying to tell you is that when you are older, you have a set capability. You can use it however you want – on pornography, or with your partner. It takes more effort to restrict yourself to your partner, but if you aren’t disciplined about it, you won’t be able to maintain a healthy sex life at all.” There. She couldn’t be clearer than that.

  James looked at the road thoughtfully. Then he nodded. “Makes sense,” he said.

  “Yes,” thought Lou. “It does, doesn’t it?”

  But James wasn’t finished. “What about women?”

  “Well, everyone knows women get menopause in their 50’s,” said Louise.

  “Yeah, but sexually? Do they just go on and on and the guy has to take medicine to keep up?”

  Louise sighed. Given the conversation so far, that was a pretty fair question, she had to admit.

  “No, we all slow down as we age,” she said. “The thing is to be in a good relationship with your lover. And you can see why being the same age would be a benefit. But it isn’t just sex that slows down as you age.”

  “True.”

  “As a woman, I can tell you this. Till I was 25, I could stay out late every night of the week, and drink and smoke, and I was fine. Between the ages of 25 and 45, I had to give up smoking and cut down drinking. Since turning 45, if I have more than a couple of glasses of wine, I have a headache the next day! It’s all part of the ageing hardware. I can have a long, healthy life but I have to listen to what my body is telling me and behave appropriately. And for me, having proper sex, even if it is only once or twice a week, is still wonderful.” She felt that she had come to the end of the subject, so ended with “Just remember that a guy who snacks all day long is destroying his appetite for the main course.”

  But James was focussed on another aspect of her speech. “You have sex once a week?” His tone was, Louise thought, unnecessarily disbelieving.

  Chapter 7 – Old flames

  Louise had rec
eived an email from Stuart, her first true love. Stuart and Louise had met in Canberra in 1978, when he was studying for his masters and she was a fresh undergraduate entrant. They’d been inseparable for almost 3 years, and stayed in touch for a year after Stuart had moved away to take a job interstate. But he had soon met the brilliant, ambitious and wealthy-daddied Jan, so they’d lost touch for 20 years after that.

  During that time, Stuart and Jan had had 5 kids and dipped considerably into her father’s investments. They were thus employed when Louise decided to contact Stuart.

  She didn’t normally seek out old boyfriends, but Jeff stayed in touch with both his ex-wives and Louise thought that a bit odd. She didn’t mind the first ex-wife, who was closer to Jeff’s age than her own, and whom she had met. She was really part of Jeff’s extended family in the States, since they had dated for years during college and she had, in fact, supported Jeff during his graduate studies. Jeff had even introduced her to her current husband after their divorce, and it was all so long ago. After all, they were divorced before Louise had begun high school! That was one of the by-products of marrying an older man.

  But the second wife was a different story. Their brief marriage had been much more recent. She was a year younger than Louise, and Jeff kept their wedding album with his personal items in his closet. He was in constant touch with her via email and seemed to have a lot of information regarding her current love-life and financial situation. Her name came up far too frequently and, unlike the first wife, Louise was never invited to meet her, although Jeff always carved out some time to see her when she was in town or he was going her way.

  All in all, Louise was aware that her husband’s relationship with his previous wife was not concluded.

  So Louise thought that perhaps if she was able to develop a platonic relationship with an ex-lover, it might go some way to assuage her feelings of suspicion and jealousy. Stuart sprang immediately to mind.

  Thanks to the internet, and the professional profile he and Jan had established, he was easy to find. He was also delighted to hear from her.

  “Louie!!!” His email read. “How great to hear from you! Yes – I come to Melbourne from time to time and yes – I would love to catch up!”

  Louise had announced the resulting lunch date to Jeff, and he had responded with enforced half-interest “Well, you’d better get a new dress.”

  “You’d better believe it!” thought Lou. Stuart and Louise had sent each other photos of their respective family groupings, and while he had changed, Stuart was still an attractive man. “Sort of a cross between Bill Clinton and Elvis Presley,” she explained to Jane when she told her about the upcoming date and Jane had asked for more information.

  “So, are you going to have it off with him?” Sisters were so blunt and always ‘went there’.

  “Well, it all depends,” answered Louise.

  “On what?” Jane was enthralled. At last something exciting was going to happen!

  “On lots of things!” Louise was being deliberately cagey.

  “Like, for instance?”

  “Whether his wife comes; how many of his kids are there, whether he pays for lunch…” Louise was counting these excuses off on her fingers.

  Jane laughed. “Is Jan coming too?” Now she was really interested.

  “Actually, I don’t know.” Louise realised that that was a possibility. Better factor that in when choosing lunch-date outfit: mental note to self.

  But, of course, Jan was not there when she met Stuart at the Southbank restaurant for lunch. They had a lovely meal and discussed their kids and the more salubrious family holidays each had taken; which schools they’d chosen for their kids and the odd personal career detail.

  As they had each been on fairly intimate terms with each other’s parents and siblings and extended family member for quite a few years, they also caught up on these people. All in all, it was a very satisfactory reunion.

  So satisfactory, in fact, that they repeated these lunches at least annually; and sometimes more often than that.

  Their next meeting had to be a dinner, since Louise couldn’t get away during the day anymore. Dinners were different to lunches. Dinner was at night.

  Louise voiced her concerns at a Friday night drinks session taking place in her courtyard. There assembled were Julia and Jack, Katherine and Diana.

  As soon as Louise told them of her dinner date with Stuart, set for the following Tuesday night, Katherine asked “So, is this going to be a sleepover?”

  Louise laughed. “That’s exactly what my sister asked!”

  Julia nodded. “It’s about time,” she said.

  “About time for what?” Louise asked.

  “Well, you don’t really think Jeff is going without, do you?”

  Louise laughed. “Oh, no. I’m quite sure he isn’t.”

  Julia, Jack, Katherine and Diana all listened more closely when Julia asked “Does Jeff have a girlfriend?”

  “I’m sure he does – but he hasn’t said anything if that’s what you’re asking. American men have to have a girlfriend, whether they like her or spend much time with her or not. It’s all part of the generally homophobic national psyche.” Louise paused to let that sink it, amused to be entertaining her friends. “That, and the introduction of farm machinery.”

  “Farm machinery?” Jack asked, confused.

  “Yes, they are an agrarian nation of big, strong people who sit behind desks now that the farm machinery does all the laborious work. Sex is just another physical outlet for them. I think that must be why so many American office blocks have a couple of gymnasiums. It cuts down on the sexual harassment charges.”

  Diana giggled. “I don’t see the connection.”

  But Lou was insistent. “Are you telling me that when you were married you didn’t notice that marital relations took a rest on the days your husband worked out? I sure did!”

  Julia gasped and nudged Jack. “She’s right!” she exclaimed. “Well, no more long bike rides for you!”

  Jack laughed. “I thought you enjoyed the break!” he protested, defending himself from Julia’s nudging.

  “You are avoiding the original question, Lou,” Katherine was not to be deterred. “Is this the Big Night? You know – your first lover after the husband?”

  Julia laughed, “Stuart’s married! He has 5 kids!”

  “So? Married ex-boyfriends are the largest source of romance for divorced women.” Katherine refilled her drink and flicked her black locks off her shoulder as she leant forward. “I don’t know what I would have done without Stephen. He was my boyfriend at uni; then, when Peter left me with two small kids for his young co-worker, I was devastated. I was only 36 and still in love with him. I don’t think I could have coped without Stephen then.”

  “You just rang him up?” asked Julia, disbelievingly.

  “Actually, I ran into him at Bunnings,” Katherine laughed. “We had an affair for more than a year.”

  “The thing about old boyfriends is that they aren’t new or scary,” agreed Diana.

  “You, too?” asked Lou.

  “Yes,” said Diana. “Except that I didn’t break up with mine. We have been seeing each other for 12 years now.”

  Louise knew that Diana regularly attended bible study class on Wednesday night and was fascinated by this cognitive dissonance or whatever you called it when your actions and beliefs were at odds with one another.

  Diana continued. “It’s so safe and comfortable. It’s the perfect bridge between marriage and your new life as either a single woman or part of a new couple.”

  “But,” said Julia, “if you have been seeing your married ex-boyfriend for 12 years – that’s not really a bridge. It’s more of a place all of its own.”

  “Yes, this one backfired,” Diana agreed. “I’m so in love with him I don’t want to move on.”

  “How does he feel?” Katherine asked.

  “Well, he loves me too, but he won’t leave his wife and family. H
e couldn’t stand to be the bad guy. And he feels sorry for me and wants me to find a whole new life for myself. He says it isn’t fair on me. But I have my career - and three teenage kids! I don’t really want a man moving in and upsetting our home. No, this is perfect really. It suits everyone.”

  “I doubt it suits his wife!” laughed Jack.

  “She doesn’t have to have sex with him, and that suits her apparently.” Diana shrugged.

  Jack turned to Julia. “How about you, Jules?” he asked. “Have you ever recycled an old flame?”

  Julia laughed. “I haven’t had to yet, but I have hung on to my little black book. So,” here she leaned closer to her husband, “you had better give up one of your gym memberships or I may have to dig it out!”

  *

  Louise had been intrigued to learn of Diana’s long relationship with her married boyfriend. Sensing that the secrecy had been a burden, she tentatively posed a few burning questions.

  They lived in neighbouring streets so it was common practice that one would drop in on the other unannounced. Louise had a jam-jar to return. Diana made delicious jam in the autumn, and Louise made sure her jam-jars were returned so that she would not lose her place as a lucky recipient.

  Diana had just finished painting the new extension to her home, and Louise came to admire that, too. The new area gave Diana a new master suite and a second lounge-room. It had high ceilings and skylight windows, and took full view of the garden Diana had lovingly tended for 15 years, ensuring that it which bloomed all year round.

  “Wow,” said Louise appreciatively. “Worth it!” She knew Diana had increased the mortgage to build the extension, a brave move for a single woman with three teenagers and a stressful, professional job.

  Diana smiled. “Yes, I’m really pleased with it. This way the kids can have the other living room and I can have this one.

  Louise looked around and saw Diana’s two kids, and the Labrador dog, sitting comfortably in various chairs in the new lounger. They didn’t look like visitors to the room, but more like kids who were in their favourite spots.