Posh and Prejudice

by Grace Dent

  Hoodie: (n.) A hooded sweatshirt or sports top. The British are obsessed with hoodies and think that if kids wear them with the hood up it means they’re a criminal. LMAO. “Hoodie” has now come to mean “kid who causes trouble,” i.e., “I’ll tell you who I reckon stole my car stereo. It’ll be those HOODIES from down the road who hang out by the chicken shop!”

  Jacksie: (n.) Ass, rear end. “I ain’t going to karaoke with Carrie no more. She sings six Mariah Carey songs in a row and chucks a diva-fit if you touch the microphone. What a pain in the jacksie she is.”

  Jog on: (vb.) Get lost, go away, buzz off. “He came over here trying to hit on me. I said, ‘Jog on bruv, no chance.’”

  Khazi: (n.) Toilet, loo, lavatory. “Yes mother, me and Wes were supposed to be going out for pizza, but don’t worry, he’d LOVE to spend the night with his head down our khazi poking it with a spanner working out why it ain’t flushing. No, really. No, I ain’t being sarcastic.” or “Where’s Dad?” “Oh, he’s on the khazi, he’s been there an hour. He reckons it’s the only place where he can get any peace.”

  Knackered: (adj.) To be tired, shattered, exhausted.

  Knob: (n.) A penis. But it’s an insult too. “Stop being a knob!”

  Lairy: (adj.) In the mood for fighting. Aggressive.

  Liberty: 1. (n.) Someone who is really cheeky and just does whatever she wants. “She is a right liberty, she is.”2. Someone who takes liberties.

  Merk: (vb.) Kill, murder. “OMG, that’s another kid on the news got merked on Saturday night. Someone shot him.”

  Modded car: (n.) When you take a normal car and make it unique by sticking and gluing bits to it and changing the wheel trims and putting lights on it and installing a proper loud stereo. My Wes has a modded banana yellow Volkswagen Golf, which is proper brilliant. Modding a car is just like on Pimp My Ride, except there, they get proper professionals to make the car look amazing and the owner always cries with happiness—unlike when Bezzy Kelleher starts the fake fog machine on his Vauxhall Nova and people basically cry with laughter.

  Mush: (n.) Mouth, gob. “Oi! Shut your mush!”

  Munter: (n.) Ugly, minging, not hot. “I thought I’d pulled a right hottie at that party… then the lights went on, and I was like, ‘What a munter!’”

  Narky: (adj.) In a bad mood. Takes offense easily.

  Nicking: (vb.) Stealing, thieving.

  Norks: (n.) Knockers. Also: boobs, boobies, norkers, norgs, norgers. See also: baps.

  NVQ: (n.) National Vocational Qualification. An exam you take in Britain instead of your A-Levels specifically to get a job like a plumber or an electrician.

  Pearly king: (n.) Old British person from East London who turns up on special occasions in a jacket and hat covered in about a million white buttons. It’s like a special tradition dating back from Ye Olde times of England when poor London folk had no TV or Playstations or R+B to listen to so they spent the long nights waiting to die from smallpox and sewing buttons onto their clothes and thinking it made them look fancy like the real royal family. My Nan loves pearly kings and her eyes all light up when you mention them, but she once got tipsy and told me she’d snogged one at a party in 1950 and was shaking buttons out of her undergarments for the next week.

  Pikey: (n.) A not very nice slang word for a gypsy or basically anyone who looks a bit poor. Real pikeys live in trailers and get hassled by the government for not paying taxes. I often used to tell our Murphy that his real family were pikeys ’cos it used to make him cry. Sorry, Murph.

  Right hump: (n.) To totally take offense about something. See also: get the hump.

  Row: (n.) An argument, a spat. “Wesley and Bez are having a right old row out there! Bezzy got McDonald’s barbecue sauce all down Wesley’s new car seat covers. He’s going mental!”

  Rude: (n.) Someone who thinks they’re tough or a bit of a gangster. Often combined with girl or boy: “She acts like she’s a rudegirl, but she ain’t all that.”

  Scrounging: (vb.) Begging.

  Shubz: (n.) A party, a knees-up, a gathering. “Leticia is having a shubz on Saturday night when her mum and dad are out. Everyone is invited! You coming?” “Nah, mate, I’ll just read the police report afterward in the Ilford Bugle.”

  Sixth Form: (n.) A school where you go to study your A-Levels that is often in the same school where you took GCSE’s. Basically it is a building full of boffins and school nerds who actually learn things for their own pleasure and want to be brain surgeons and who know all the capitals of the world and crap about the Ice Age and stuff (i.e., not me at all).

  Skiving: (vb.) Bunking off, skipping off when you haven’t got a good excuse.

  Skunk: (n.) A type of grass or marijuana.

  Slapper: (n.) A girl who is very well known to the boys in the local area due to her, ahem, friendly and outgoing nature. “Pghgh, no wonder he’s started going out with Suzanne, she’s a right slapper.”

  Snog: (vb., n.) An open-mouthed kiss, which may or may not include tongues. I once snogged Carlton Brown behind a bush after a Year eight disco and he bit my face by accident and his breath smelled of Big Mac gherkins. It was proper disgusting.

  Sovereign ring: (n.) A ring that you might buy from somewhere like Elizabeth Duke. It looks like it is made from an old fashioned British sovereign gold coin.

  Spots: 1: (n.) Zits. Red lumps full of pus that appear on your face the day before a party and make you look like a freak. Also: spotty (adj.).

  Staffy: (n.) Staffordshire Bull Terrier. A dog that a lot of chavs own. Oh, and the Wood family owns one too, called Penny, but as I say, we aren’t chavs!

  Stroppy: (adj.) Sulky, in the mood to throw a hissy fit. Also: stroppiest (adj.) and strop (n.). “She gave me her stroppiest look when she saw I looked better in that dress than she did!”

  Sucking teeth: (vb.) Some people suck their teeth to let you know they’re not happy with you. “I said to her, ‘Are both those seats taken or is your ass just so wide it’s spilling onto the second one?’ But she just sucked her teeth and turned her head.”

  Take the mickey: (vb.) To make fun of someone or have a joke with them. Taking the mickey can be nice or not nice, depending on how far you take it. Like I take the mickey out of my Carrie a lot for being so vain. But Latoya Bell is just plain unpleasant when she takes the mickey. In fact, she’s just a bully. Also: take the piss.

  Tight: (adj.) Mean. “I’ve been really taking the mickey about his new haircut. Okay, I know I’m being a bit tight.”

  Trackie: (n.) Track suit or sweat suit.

  Up the duff: (n.) Pregnant, knocked up, in the pudding club. “OMG, I saw Katy drinking vodka outside Perfect Chicken and she is totally up the duff too!”

  WAG: (n.) British Football term meaning “Wives and girlfriends,” i.e., the women who turn up to games to support their husbands/boyfriends dressed in $50,000 of designer gear and get drunk on champagne and snog other footballers that aren’t their boyfriends, then end up on the front of The Sun newspaper falling out of a nightclub being sick in their $5000 Miu Miu handbags.

  Well minted: (adj.) To have lots of cash. “Have you seen his car? Man, he must be well minted I reckon!”

  Wide: (adj.) Dodgy, shady, dishonest. “I wouldn’t lend him money if I were you, he can be a bit wide sometimes.”

  Wiffling on: (vb.) Yaddering, chattering, blathering. “I thought my class speech was going so well. But then I got distracted and started wiffling on for half an hour about my favorite sandwich. OMG, epic fail.”

  Grace Dent is a British comedy writer and broadcaster specializing in all aspects of pop culture. Grace lives in East London with her husband, who works in the music industry. When she’s not writing comedy she’s “faffing about on the Internet” or “faffing in the garden or kitchen.” Or just “faffing about generally. I’m an excellent faffer.”

  “Hilarious and unflinching.”—Kirkus

  The divine Shiraz Bailey Wood is back in this hilarious sequel to Diva Without a Ca
use to enlighten us with her signature brand of madcap humor on her demented, glorious life in the gritty suburbs of London.

  When sixteen-year-old Shiraz Bailey Wood’s year-end test results come in, she’s astonished to discover not only that she passed them all, but that she’s actually clever! Emboldened by an invite to higher-level classes, Shiraz enrolls in Superchav Academy’s “Center of Excellence” to get even brainier.

  Hanging with goody-two-shoes types in higher-level classes seems like just the ticket to avoid getting stuck forever in her crap hometown. But Shiraz has to figure out for herself: Are these posh types really any better than she is, or do they just want to stick up their noses at everyone?