Love Of Country (Country Love #3)

by Green, Vicki

  Life’s never been simple for me. There’s always been hard knocks, things I should have appreciated when I was younger but was too stupid to understand. How do you get through the thick skull of a boy about how hard life can be when you didn’t have that much at that time but love and caring? Obviously, that wasn’t enough.

  After Grammy died, I learned what she had tried to teach me all those years. The hard way. Now I know just how bad life can be, so much more than I thought as a child. Not sayin’ losin’ my parents at a young age wasn’t tough. At that time, I thought there was nothin’ that could ever be worse. After losing Grammy and her farm that she prided herself on, I found losin’ my parents was not the tip of the iceberg in roughness. I went through some horrible things tryin’ to survive and then tryin’ to help Shiloh through her living nightmare. Livin’ on the street, beggin’ for scraps of food, and watchin’ Shiloh almost lose her life – over and over.

  Yeah, I know I can say I’ve lived from hell and back but am so much more appreciative of what I have, even though it may not be much more than when I was younger. Now, since all of those nightmares are over, I’m more determined than ever to do somethin’ with my life. Somethin’ that means somethin’ to me. If it means somethin’ to anyone else, that’ll just be a bonus. What mystifies me is how I turned out so well, after all I’ve been through. But one thing that can never fill my heart again is the love of a woman. That was ruined for forever when I lost the only girl I’d ever loved. I can’t do that to myself, I won’t hurt that way again. Won’t allow another woman to suffer anythin’ from me that I can’t give whole heartedly. And I can’t.

  Some may think that a young love doesn’t mean as much as when you’ve become a man and woman but I beg to differ. Now, I’m not sayin’ that my heart don’t beat a little faster when I see a beautiful woman. I ain’t dead – yet. But how would it ever be fair to someone to try to take them out, givin’ them false hope for somethin’ I can’t give? I just can’t do that to anyone. Don’t have it in me. My only release on a long, lonely night is to take matters into my own hand. Literally. Not the kind of pleasure I’d prefer but the only one I’ll allow. It’s not about the sex. Hell, I can get that pretty much any time. It’s the feelin’s that go along with it. The hope – the heartbreak. Won’t do that to anyone else, sure as hell won’t do it to myself.

  Hattie. She was beautiful beyond any vision. We became best friends, inseparable. Her parents hated it but we were their closest neighbors and they liked Grammy. Guess they thought it was okay since she was always around when we were together. What they didn’t know was how we’d sneak off to the barn, hide in the hayloft. Now, I’m sure Grammy knew where we were but she liked Hattie and wanted me to be happy. Somehow I think she knew we were kindred spirits. She also knew how much I loved Hattie, would do anythin’ for her, give up anythin’. And I did. I gave up my heart. My soul. I gave up any chance of happiness when she moved. I remember the night before they left – before she left me, took my heart plumb outta my chest. She cried. She cried so hard that I had a hard time calmin’ her down. Promises of keepin’ in touch, findin’ her when I was old enough to do whatever I could to come to her. Promises of marryin’ her one day. Promises that she was the only one I’d ever love. Silly to some. We were kids. But to me, to us, it was everythin’. She was everythin’. Still is. Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where she is. Is she happy? Is she married now? That would make me swallow my heart and fill with remorse. But she needed to move on with her life, even though I couldn’t. Does she still think about me? To think we never made love. That I never fully showed her just how much I loved her. My heart would shatter again to think someone else took her virginity when it should have been mine to take. All her firsts. They all should have been mine. Instead, my heart shattered every time I thought about everythin’ she was experiencin’, with someone else.

  “You ready to go?”

  Colby’s voice draws me back to the here and now. I take a deep breath, tryin’ to free all my memories from my mind, and give him a sharp nod. We’ve been through some pretty bad shit together and I’m thankful to him for helpin’ me when he could have left me to do it myself, struggled to get somethin’ I’ve always wanted. My farm. My home. We now have a deeper friendship in the short time we’ve known each other and I imagine it’ll only get deeper.

  A nurse walks in, pushin’ a wheelchair. I roll my eyes but give her a lopsided grin as she helps me off the bed and onto the seat. Always hate not bein’ able to do for myself. Pride. Somethin’ I was born with, bred in me. I’ve learned to swallow it a little, still hard for me to do. It’s a hard lesson to learn, ‘specially for a man, I reckon. But sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to. Learned that the hard way. More than once.

  “Don’t worry.” The nurse’s voice speaks close as she pats my shoulder. “This’ll be for the last time. But that’s not to say you shouldn’t take it easy when you get home.” I look up and over my shoulder. The kind face of the nurse smiles and winks at me as she pushes me out the door. I look back at the small room, one I’ve spent the last week or so in. One thing this room gave me was time to think. Time to get to know Prie a little more, not enough to figure her out but a good start. My time spent here showed me she’s a good girl. Scared. Alone. She’s someone that will take a lot of time to heal, if she ever can. Don’t ‘spect she’ll ever heal completely. God knows I haven’t. But maybe she can heal enough to try to live a normal life. A happy life.

  I look forward, watchin’ people and the lights overhead flashin’ as we pass by, eager to begin my new life. Startin’ over and makin’ it the best it can be. I have so much to be thankful for. So much loss and regret in my life that I won’t allow it to swallow me as I try to begin again. Time to push back the remorse that has filled me for so long and do what I can to help Prie, get my farm up and runnin’ and try to forget. Forget the past. Forget the pain.

  I smile as I’m pushed out the front doors of the hospital. My eyes squint with the brightness of the new day. Shiloh’s already in the front passenger seat, Prie’s standin’ at the back, her hand restin’ on the open door. She looks down as we move closer. So much pain still in her life. So much to get past. The chair stops. Colby’s strong hand grasps my upper arm, helpin’ me to stand. I look up in time to see crutches in front of me, the nurse holdin’ them until I get each one under my arms. Before gettin’ in the back seat, I reach over to Prie, liftin’ her face with my fingers under her chin. Her eyes follow until she’s lookin’ in mine. I give her a smile and receive a small one in return. “No more lookin’ down, Darlin’. Too much to see in this big world.” I wink. Not expectin’ a response, I start to climb into the back, turnin’ my head when I catch her movement. I see a small smile grace her pretty face as she stares directly into my eyes. My soul. My heart seems to skip a beat but I push it down, back under my protective armor. She doesn’t need that as much as I don’t.

  As we ride through the deep snow, the sun reflectin’ on it, makin’ it seem to sparkle – blindin’ – I try not to notice her smell. She’s not had fancy things, perfumes or lotions. Only her unique smell seems to be fillin’ the car. I look ahead. Colby’s drivin’, his hand laced with Shiloh’s on the seat between them. Both lookin’ out the front. Maybe it’s only my senses that are pickin’ up on it.

  Anxiousness begins to build as we pass Memphis and Sadie’s house. Even more when we pass Colby and Shiloh’s place, knowin’ we’re almost to my farm. My farm. Still can’t believe after all these years I’m finally comin’ back to my roots. To what I know. My eyes shift to Prie. She’s pullin’ on her fingers layin’ in her lap. I try not to stare. I wonder what she must be thinkin’. Feelin’. I’ve been through a heap. Shiloh’s been to hell and back herself. I can’t even begin to imagine what this girl has been through. Seen things no one else would be able to live through. She’s strong. Had to be. It’s one thing I admire abo
ut her. Still must feel weird bein’ in a different place and with people you haven’t known that long. Strong.

  I turn my head as Colby moves onto the dirt road leadin’ up to the house, well the snow covered path. After Mikael had set fire to my house, my heart died a little more, losin’ the second place I’d ever called my own in my life. I tear up rememberin’ how the town folk came and rebuilt it, makin’ it even better than the run down house before. It still needs a bunch of work but Tina, Sadie’s friend, had started decoratin’ it before the madman caught up to us again. Now that Prie’s said she’s gonna stay to help out, maybe it’ll do her good to finish what needs to be done. Therapeutic maybe. I look over at her again as Colby parks the truck and see the notebooks Shiloh gave her nestled in a book bag, the strap laying over her shoulder. She also gave Prie an old laptop in case she’d rather type things out, things she needs to get down to help her rid her mind of them. If that’s possible. Always seemed to help Shiloh though. Deal with the demons in her head. She told me that it helped her to write everythin’ down, somethin’ that called to her. I hope Prie will feel that way.

  I hobble out of the truck, puttin’ the crutches under my arms and head up the porch steps. Once I’ve unlocked the front door, I push it open and walk inside. My eyes scan the entryway, it’s much smaller than Colby’s, with only one staircase leadin’ upstairs and not as nice neither. But it’s mine, so it’s perfect. I breathe in the stale air and make my way into the livin’ room, leanin’ the crutches against the wall to open a window a bit. As I push up on the pane, I look over when I feel her presence. Prie looks straight ahead as she opens the one next to it but I see her eyes slightly shift my way then back again. That sense of familiarity hits me again. What is it about her? I see her tense so I look away. Gonna take her a long time to trust me, to relax. She might never be able to, completely, but I’m sure gonna try to help her to see she has nothin’ to fear from me. I’m the least of her worries.

  “Ya’ll sure you’re gonna be okay here? Seems like we should be takin’ ya’ll to our place to rest up, get more healin’ done.”

  I turn my head and look at Colby. Always so eager to help. I turn fully and put the crutches back under my arms and start makin’ my way towards him. “Nah, man. We’re gonna be just fine. Thank ya.” He smiles but I can tell he’s worried. I reach him and balance myself as I pat his shoulder. “We’ll help each other.” I look over my shoulder at Prie. I can barely see the corner of her mouth raise just a little, makin’ me have another strange feelin’.

  He looks at Prie then at me. “Okay. If ya’ll are sure. You know we’re not far and can be here quick when you need help or really anythin’.” I give him a nod and smile. He turns and I follow him to the door. “Memphis said the same thing.” He opens the door and turns, lookin’ at me. “Ya’ll are family and we help our own. Remember that. You have our numbers.” He lays his hand on my shoulder and I swear if he don’t hurry up and leave, I’m gonna tear up. Damn medicine.

  “Thank ya. You’d better get our girl home so she can rest.” He smiles and his eyes light up. Love. True love. It’s in abundance with them. I’m so fuckin’ happy for her. I lay my hand on his shoulder and smile, clearin’ my throat. “Ya know I feel the same, man. Anythin’ I can ever do for ya’ll, I’m there.” My emotions are thick, chokin’ me.

  He nods back and I watch him walk down the front steps. Shiloh waves from her seat, a sweet smile on her face and tears in her eyes. Ah, dammit! I shut the door and wipe my eyes before I turn back around. Prie’s gonna think I’m a damn girl or somethin’.

  Caprice

  My dad used to say that any man who could show his feelings, even crying when he’s sad or happy, was a good man. “We’re all human,” he’d say. I try to pretend I don’t see Trevor wiping his eyes, turning my head before he turns back around.

  “Have a look around, sweetheart. Last door on the left upstairs is my room so you go on and pick you out a room to call your own. Any one of the others is fine.” I look at him quickly but don’t move. I mean, I do need to sleep somewhere but I don’t have any belongings except what’s on my back and the items Shiloh loaned me to be able to write. He walks over to me, his crutches a little loud on the wood floor, and stands in front of me. “Look at me, Prie. Please?” I hadn’t realized I was looking down, something he always made me do. After three years, it won’t be easy to break. I look up and into his eyes. “This is your home now, for however long you want it to be. I know you don’t have much right now but later today I’ll take ya into town and get ya a few things. Okay?”

  My first thought is how sweet he is to do that. My second thought is how will I ever pay him back? I don’t want to owe anyone anything. “I can cook!” Blurts from my mouth. “And clean. If you teach me things you need to have done outside, I’m a fast learner.” His mouth lifts in that gorgeous smile of his, his white teeth showing along with that dimple.

  “That’s great, Darlin’. Would be great to have some good cookin’. I’ll make a list of stuff we’ll need from the grocery too. Right now? I’m a bit tired so I’m gonna go take a nap so you go find yourself a room and maybe get some rest. We’ll go into town later today.” I nod and watch him walk through the living room, then out the doorway leading to the stairs. I stand there for a few minutes unsure of what to do. Gathering the book bag Shiloh gave me, I walk to the small office off the living room and see a small desk. I take the laptop out of the bag and set it up, plugging it in on the wall underneath the desk. I’m not sure I’m quite ready to start writing just yet so I just take out the pens and notebooks and set them beside the laptop, folding up the bag and placing it there too. I look around and take in the room. Big windows align one wall and bookshelves fill up the wall to the right. On the left is a comfy chair with an ottoman and a pole lamp next to it behind a small table. The furniture is not new, more like you’d find at some garage sales but in good shape. I take one of the notebooks and a pen and walk out and through the living room. I think I’ll go to the kitchen and see if there’s anything in the fridge or pantry, then start making a list. At least I can do that much.

  I’m amazed at the size of the kitchen when I walk in. I’ve heard Trevor and the others talk about the towns people coming together to rebuild this house after Mikael set it on fire, making it even better than how it was before but this is really nice. Nice wood cabinets, not too dark and not too light. And there are a ton of them. Granite countertops that are a slate gray coloring with black specks in it, the breakfast bar counter matching. High back bar stools, with nice looking comfy black cushions, surround it. On the left wall is a built in desk with a wood chair pushed in. I walk past the counters and find a set of double doors along the same wall. I feel like I’m snooping but he did say it was my home as long as I’m here. Biting my lip, I grasp the handles and open them together. Wow! It’s a huge pantry. There are some canned goods on the shelves, flour, salt, sugar, and some other things like peanut butter. Another shelf contains chips, popcorn, and other snacks. I turn around smiling. This is bigger than the room I stayed in for the last three years. I shiver with those memories.

  After walking out and closing the door, I walk over to the refrigerator and take a look inside. There’s some condiments but the little food that is left is spoiled. I start to clean it out, finding a sponge under the sink and using some dish soap to clean the shelves. I put all the bad food I could down the disposal and threw all the wrappings in the trash can hidden in the pantry. I walk over to the breakfast bar and climb up on one of the stools. Darn cast. Such a hindrance. I pick up the pen and start making a list.

  Once I’m done, I cleaned all the counters in the kitchen. Dust had settled over time so I wanted to make it nice for when we come back from the grocery store. I’m not very excited about going. I’m not sure I’m ready to see other people. People I don’t know. I feel like what happened to me is written all over my face and not just my bo
dy underneath where no one can see. I’m sure everyone in town knows what happened to Trevor and me by now. Still, I need to be strong for him. He’s still hurting and I can’t let him do everything on his own. I need to help.

  I look around. Much better. I still would like to mop the floor but suddenly I’m exhausted. I decide to go upstairs and look at the rooms, seeing which one I’d like to use while I’m here. I look around as I walk out to the entryway and also as I go up the stairs. The walls are white everywhere, not very homey. Could use some paint of different colors depending on the room. Warm colors. Inviting. I take a right when I reach the top and open the doors to each room. I look down to my left. So far away. Quickly, I walk the other way until I’m at the end of the hall. I look to my left, the closed door there must be Trevor’s room. I open the door in front of me and see the area holds a washer and dryer and a table for folding clothes. Cabinets hang above them. Again, another room that was bigger than the one I was kept in for so long. A chill hits me as I leave the room, closing the door. I turn to my right and open another door, walking into the most beautiful room I’ve ever seen.

  A double bed with nightstands on either side is to my left. To the right of them is a long dresser with a mirror behind it. In front of me is a long cushioned bench seat with several large pillows laying up against the wall at the end, sitting along several windows. A perfect place to snuggle on while reading a good book. I walk to my left to an open door and flip on the light. Beautiful counters, a built in linen closet and toilet, then my eyes follow around to a nice stand up shower and around to a bathtub. Heaven. I’m in heaven. There’s no doubt that this will be the room I choose. It makes me comforted that it’s right across the hall from Trevor’s. I turn and flip off the light, then walk to the bed. I climb onto the high mattress, soft, yet firm. As I stretch out on my back, I feel something soft at the foot of the bed and use my good arm to push myself up and find a folded quilt. I reach down and pick it up, unfolding it over me. I turn on my side, bringing the fabric up over my shoulder and smile. Other than the bed I slept in at Shiloh’s, this is the most comfortable one I’ve slept in for so long. Mikael had me sleep in a broom closet, on the floor. He always told me I didn’t deserve a nice comfortable bed and I should be thankful I was sleeping inside instead of outside in the elements. The couch in Trevor’s room was hard as a rock. I’d might as well been sleeping on a floor. The mattress on his hospital bed wasn’t much better. I let out a contented sigh and close my eyes.