by L. B. Dunbar
After leaving Britton’s, I see I have a missed call from Joe, followed by a text.
You sound stressed out. Call me when you can. Also Bigflixs emailed.
I’m about to call him when I notice another text from Jess Carter.
You disappeared last night. Heard there was some drama. Hope you are okay. We’ll be back next week if you want to talk.
It’s not the text so much that Jess reached out even after his special moment, and I struggle once more with how I’ve been such a shitty friend. I should call Joe and tell him everything, and eventually, I will but right now, I need someone more immediate to talk to.
“E,” I exhale into the phone as my brother answers. “I really need to talk to someone.”
“You okay?”
“I just . . . I hate to ask, but this is big.”
“I’m at Jacob’s, but I can meet you somewhere.” Suddenly, I feel bad calling him.
“Nah, I don’t want to ruin your day. We can just catch up later.” I hear rustling through the phone, and then Ethan returns.
“No, it’s fine, but Jacob says you can come here if you want. It’s just us hanging out as Ella and Pam went shopping. Come over.”
I stare out the windshield of the rental, weighing my options. I’m not ready to head back to Mum and Dad’s, and while I wanted to spend the rest of the day at Britton’s, we all need time to process. I don’t want to beg my brother to join me somewhere, so I give in.
“Okay, give me an address?”
After a six-pack of my own and an hour of pouring out my story, I’m drunk and drained.
“Congratulations, man. You’re a fucking dad,” Ethan says, his voice filled with pride.
“That tale is even wilder than Lilac and mine,” Jacob says.
“Who’s Lilac?”
“Pam,” Ethan clarifies.
“Aw, you have nicknames for each other,” I tease.
“That’s rich coming from you, Sport. And Candy,” Ethan fires back, and I swallow around the lump in my throat. Britton. My candy girl.
“I would have married her,” I admit to them.
“Have another beer,” Ethan teases.
“I loved her. I mean, I know it was about the sex that weekend, but I really loved her when we were kids, and that weekend felt like a taste of all we could have been. I fucked up.”
“Why can’t you get that back?” Jacob asks. “I really fucked things up, but Pam took me back.”
“Pam never left your side,” Ethan reminds him. “Gavin baled on Britton.”
“I didn’t bale on her. We just didn’t keep in touch.” It’s not like my brother, the former player, doesn’t understand hooking up and then losing contact with someone.
“But you like her now, right?” I feel like we’re back to that conversation at Jess’s house. I’m also reminded of what Gee said about love and marriage.
“Yes, I like her, but we’re different. It’s like she said, we can’t go back to those two kids.”
“Who’s talking about going back? You move forward. Can you see yourself building a life with her, here, or will you only make it work with Gee?” Jacob asks.
“How’s that going to work if you live in California?” Ethan interjects. “Let’s face it, Dad wasn’t always peaches, but he was here for us. Day in and day out, he was around.”
Ethan’s words strike hard because he’s right. Even when my dad was upset about me leaving the game, the pressure came from a place of love. He’d known baseball had been my passion. He wanted more for me. I’m the one who pulled away from him. Even now, as shitty as I’ve been as a son, my parents have welcomed me home.
“I’m staying with Mum and Dad.”
Ethan’s brows raise. “How’d that go over with Dad?” He bitterly chuckles, although Ethan’s made his own peace with our father.
“I’m letting Mum handle him.”
Ethan laughs harder. “You should move here.”
“I can’t just move,” I snort.
“Why not?” Jacob questions. “You’re a filmmaker, not a banker. You can make films all over the world. It’s your home base that needs to be stable, and that can be anywhere.” Jacob’s a writer, and he’s chosen his mansion in the woods over living in New York or California, where he’s originally from.
“I’m just getting my start. Joe’s in California.”
“Your heart is already telling you something. You want to be in this kid’s life, then you might have to make a change to your life.” Jacob says, spoken like the future father he’ll be.
Ethan backs him up. “Dude, how can you coach him from the other side of the country? Gonna make it to school shit and the annual Halloween party? It can’t just be weekend trips to Disneyland. You need to be all in.”
“I will be all in, just from far away.” Even as I say the words, they don’t settle well in the pit of my stomach. That’s not the kind of dad I want to be.
Ethan shakes his head, and I read the disappointment in his expression. “Well, at least he’ll have Mum and Dad as grandparents, and Jacob and me as uncles.” Ethan tips his beer to Jacob’s soda can as Jacob no longer drinks. “We’ll be happy to corrupt him for you.”
Shit. It’s funny, but it hurts. They’ll see Gee all the time, but I won’t.
“Yeah, and I’m sure we’ll find a few single guys wanting to date Britton. I mean, she’s hot,” Ethan adds.
“Heard some Spencer Campbell guy in Traverse City is available,” Jacob snorts.
“I know Spencer.” We went to school together, and he owns the adventure shack Theo works out of near the condo I rented.
“Yeah, well, he’s single.”
Ethan laughs. “He’s saying that because the guy wanted to date Pam.”
“Which obviously she’s not available. Put a ring on it to prove it.” Jacob’s words hit another mark. Will Britton date? She hasn’t since Patrick’s death. She hasn’t been with anyone until me. I sit straighter in my seat in Jacob’s kitchen. We’ve been sitting on stools around a massive island.
Will Britton find another guy, fall in love, and marry him instead of me?
Fuck.
She already replaced me once, finding another man who stepped in to be Gee’s dad. Will she find someone to step in and replace him as her husband? None of these thoughts settle well with me, even if I’m still angry with her.
“She lied to me,” I blurt.
“Did she?”
“She withheld the truth. She should have told me the second she saw me here.”
“Because you’re so stable and you’ll stick around.” Ethan’s sharp words hurt.
“Fuck you, man.”
“The truth hurts, doesn’t it?” he adds. “But sometimes, it’s for your own good.”
“Lying to me wasn’t for my good,” I remind him.
“Nope, I’m thinking she did that for Gee. She doesn’t want you hurting him because you’ll leave.”
Gah, I hate how Ethan might be right.
“When did you get so smart,” I question.
“Fell in love with a smart girl, full of hurts, and she taught me how to be.”
Jacob’s head swivels to face Ethan as he’s speaking about his stepsister.
“I guess the same happened to me. Pam had her bruises, but they were nothing like the aches and pains in me. She’s taught me to want love above all things.”
“Do you realize how sappy you two sound?” I mock, sitting forward on the stool, feeling it’s time to leave.
“Yeah, but we’re also happy,” Ethan says. “Can you say the same thing?”
Fuck, I really hate my little brother sometimes, especially when he knows things, like the fact I’m not happy. Not at all.
+ + +
On Monday night, Gee and Britton come to dinner at my parents’ place. I’m nervous, and I feel Dad watching me as I open the door for them. Dad and I haven’t really spoken to one another other than I’m going to bed when I got home yesterday from Jacob�
�s and like some coffee this morning when I found him in the kitchen.
“You live on a farm?” Gee immediately asks my dad. There were a few chickens in the drive when they pulled up. I’d thought my parents had gotten rid of them, but Karyn told me they were trying a more homegrown approach to diet in hopes it would help Mum. Mum had chickens when we were kids, and they were mean bastards, but she loved them.
“Maybe I can show you around after dinner,” Dad says with pride, and his eyes spark in a way I haven’t seen since I’ve been home.
Mum hugs Britton, holding her a little longer than necessary. “I’m so glad you came,” she tells her, and my chest squeezes as I’m happy she’s here as well. It’s not that I can’t be alone with Gee, but I’m also trying to be better with my parents, at least with Mum, and she wanted to officially meet Gee. It’s been awkward being in the house and maneuvering around them, plus Mum has this horrible cough that sounds like her chest will break. She looks pale and weak, and I’ve been worried she has a fever, but she says she doesn’t. As Mum wraps an arm over Gee’s shoulder and leads him to the kitchen, Britton steps up to me.
“Is she okay?”
“I don’t know,” I say, feeling like it’s my standard response to everything lately.
Dinner happens to be chicken with baked macaroni and cheese, and while it’s not something I’d typically eat, every bite is a reminder of where I am. My eyes continue to drift to Britton, who keeps up a steady stream of conversation with Mum and Dad. She promised to remind Gee that my parents are his grandparents.
“So, Gee,” Britton says his name with a deep breath. “Do you have any questions for Gavin’s parents?” It’s interesting that she told him he couldn’t call me Gavin, but now she’s referring to me as such.
Would it be wrong to ask him to call me Dad?
“I’m just wondering what I call you.” I sit as if he’s read my mind.
“What do you want to call us?” Mum says, then adds, “You can call us Grandma and Grandpa or Sarah and Jack.” She looks up at Britton as if asking permission. Britton nods.
“I’ll just call you Grandma and Grandpa. I have to call my other grandparents by their first names, and it makes it feel like I don’t have grandparents.”
“Who do you have to call by their first names?” I ask, looking at Britton.
“Patrick’s parents were both deceased. Gee means my mom and dad. They felt they were too young to be grandparents when I had Gee.” She swipes her hair behind her ear, keeping her eyes on the table. Then she looks up at my mother. “I’m not terribly close to my parents. I don’t know if you remember that about me. It’s the reason I was with Leo and Gertie.”
“Being Grandma and Grandpa suits us just fine.” Mum reaches out and pats Britton’s hand. “And you’re always so formal with us, but you call us whatever makes you comfortable as well.” Mum would be perfectly happy to have Britton call them Mum and Dad.
It’s all a bit much for me, and when dinner ends, Britton volunteers to do dishes. Mum lingers, but I encourage her to go to bed while Dad takes Gee outside to walk the orchard.
“I can do these,” Britton says, taking over my parents’ kitchen, so I lead Mum to her room. Britton’s almost done with the dishes when I return, and I excuse myself, needing a minute to clear my head.
I climb the stairs to the bedroom I used to share with Ethan. Karyn’s room is across the hall, while our parents’ room is on the main floor. Sitting on my bed, I rest my head in my hands and take a breath. Britton was amazing during dinner, engaging Mum and Dad and keeping the conversation light without it being stressful until the end. Then doing dishes in the kitchen, she looked as if she belonged here, with them, with me.
“Hey, I wondered where you went,” she says, breaking into my thoughts, and my head pops up. I swipe through my hair and stare at her while she looks around the old room.
“Wow, it looks exactly the same.” In many ways, it does. The old trophies. The same posters. The school awards. Even the quilts are the same as my grandmother made them. Britton’s eyes fall to the bed before glancing away from it.
“You remember being in here?” I ask, surprised that she’d remember. We didn’t come to my house as often as we were at Leo and Gertie’s, but occasionally, she’d be here when I needed a shower before we went out, or I needed to grab something before we went somewhere.
Britton steps up to me and reaches for my head, stroking her fingers through my hair. “You doing okay?” she asks before realizing what she’s done and retracting her hand. I catch her wrist and quickly stand, grabbing her hip before she can step away from me.
“I’m so angry,” I whisper.
“I know,” she says, nodding while her head dips, and she looks at my chest. I’m still holding her wrist, and my other arm slips around her back. Walking her backward, I press her to the back of the door, forcing it to close and reminding us of the position we were in one night when I had a fight with my dad. Britton found me in my room.
“I should hate you,” I say before my mouth crashes hers. Thankfully, she doesn’t fight me, giving into how I’m taking her lips, thrusting my tongue forward to tangle with hers.
“You should,” she whispers, pulling away only briefly before I capture her mouth again. My fingers come to her waistband, and I tug at her skirt. Britton pulls back, watching me.
“We shouldn’t,” she whispers, but I need her. I want to punish her and love her at the same time, and I’m so conflicted. When her hand comes to the button on my shorts, I can’t hold back.
“We definitely shouldn’t,” I say, but we’re going to. I hike up her skirt and push at the sides of her underwear while she works at my shorts, lowering the zipper and shoving them down my hips a little. Our mouths break only long enough for her underwear to fall to the floor and her to step out of one side. Then our lips are joined again, and I’m lifting her. Her back hits the door.
“Be quiet,” I warn before taking her mouth once more. Her thighs wrap around my hips, and I position myself at her entrance. With one thrust, I’m in her, and her head tips back, knocking against the wood.
“Fuck,” I hiss into her neck, rocking forward like a madman. I can’t get deep enough inside her as she clutches at my back, my shirt lifting in her clenched fingers.
“I’m so mad at you,” I tell her again.
“I know. I’m sorry,” she stammers as I surge into her over and over again.
“But I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop thinking about us.” I mutter, biting her earlobe. “I can’t get enough of you.”
“Gavin,” she hisses, holding onto me as though she’s afraid to let go as I piston into her. The door at her back jiggles in its frame as she bounces over me. My hand comes between us, finding the spot she needs to help her get off. I need to feel her around me. I need her to feel out of control like I feel lately.
“Get there, baby,” I whisper to her, and she opens her mouth but nips my shoulder as she breaks apart. Another thrust and I’m done. I spill into her, filling her with everything I have.
Immediately, I lean back while still attached to her. “Shit. I didn’t use a condom.”
She stares at me. Quickly, I pull out of her, lower her to her feet, and step away from her. Hastily, I tuck myself back in my briefs and shorts while I watch her shakily reach for her underwear and pull them back into place.
“Why didn’t you have more babies with him?” I snarl, considering what we’d just done.
“Patrick was sterile,” she says, keeping her eyes on me, but they cloud. “We shouldn’t have done that,” she says again.
“Gone without a condom?” I snort. Even with several, I still got her pregnant, but perhaps it was that one time I went without one. I almost laugh, although I find nothing funny about our past. I’d find it hilarious if I had been included in what happened afterward.
“Any of that,” she says, pointing at my shorts.
I huff. “I can’t seem to stay awa
y from you,” I say in frustration.
“We can’t keep coming together like this.”
“But we do because there’s something between us, always drawing us to each other.”
“It’s kept us apart for years.”
“You kept us apart,” I tell her, but it isn’t entirely true. She pushes off the door and straightens her skirt before turning for the knob. My hand reaches around her, flattening my palm on the door to hold it closed.
“Look, Brit. I’m sorry, that was out of line.”
“It’s honest, which is more than you can say about me, right?” she huffs.
“That’s not it.”
“Then what is it?” She spins to face me.
“I don’t know how to be right now, but I don’t want to be without you, without either of you.”
She doesn’t comment, and we hear feet stomping up the stairs.
“Mom.” Gee rushes to my door, and Britton steps aside so I can open it. “Look what Grandpa Jack gave me.” He seems to have modified the label for my dad, which is just fine. In his hands, he presents an old mitt of mine.
“Where did you get that?”
“Grandpa Jack had it downstairs. He said it was yours, and he thought I might like to have it.”
“Cool,” Britton says, reaching out for her son and stroking her hand lovingly around his face. Our son. I notice her hands still shaking from what we’ve just done.
“Is this your old room? What are you two doing in here?”
“Just showing your mom the old place.” Gee steps deeper into the room and looks at all my old things. The posters and awards. A few pictures and the trophies.
“Did you go to Cooperstown?” he asks.
“They didn’t have the kind of setup they have now when I was younger.” I sound like I’m ancient, but twenty-six years ago, there wasn’t the tournament program they have presently. Gee nods, taking in the stuff in my room before turning back to his mom.
“Grandpa Jack wants to know if you want ice cream.”
“Sounds good,” Britton says, wrapping an arm over his shoulder and guiding him toward the door.
As we descend the stairs, my dad stands at the base, and his eyes narrow at us, as if he knows what we did in my room. He wants to comment, and I see his mouth twitching with questions, but he doesn’t speak to me. Instead, he addresses Gee.
