In a giddy rush of pleasure, Ryan turned her head so that she could kiss him, and tried to turn her body.
“Uh-uh,” he said softly, kissing her on the eyelids. “We’re always in a hurry, going rough and tumble. This time we take our time.” Slowly, hypnotically, his hands stroked her body. “Relax and let me take you,” he whispered, sliding his fingers down her flat belly, across the tender insides of her thighs.
Whether it was the wine she’d had or his touch, the urgency melted away in a haze of sensation. His hands rose up over the rounded fullness of her breasts, his lips were warm on her cheek, her neck, her shoulders. Instead of the usual rocket of sensation, though, it was like being carried on a warm, swelling tide of feeling.
Ryan gasped when his slick fingers moved through the folds between her legs. Instead of stroking her to madness in the way she’d come to know, his fingers slipped inside her warmth. Mouth fused to hers, he stroked her smooth inner center, finding an exquisitely sensitive hidden place that she’d never known existed. An immense heat grew within her, as much a part of the feeling of his arms around her as of his fingers within her, like emotion made physical. There was no him, no her, just a golden cloud of feeling made up of the two of them.
“Cade,” she whispered, startled.
“I know, sweetheart,” he said with a soft groan, “oh, I know.”
Later, on her bed, instead of making love to her, he began to massage her body, lingering over each limb, each muscle, his hands kneading her into mindless pleasure. His touch felt like more than mere skin to skin, it felt like his feelings for her made tactile, and she absorbed it all. As an hour slid by with just the devotion of his hands to her body, bringing her pleasure without expectation of return, the feelings that had whirled in her all day threatened to overwhelm her. The intimacy of the act, the tenderness, brought the words almost to her lips. There was so much she wanted to tell him. So much she couldn’t say.
Even when his touch changed from massage to caress, there was no fierceness to it, just a sweet tenderness that carried her gently along to a soft wonder of arousal. When he slipped inside her, it was to move slowly, softly, carrying her with him rather than driving her along. When she came, the sudden wash of feeling and emotion left her overwhelmed.
He passed over the brink at the same time, the shudders of his body mirrored in hers, her soft sighs finding their answer in his groans until neither knew where one left off and the other began.
Lost in bliss, she felt him gather her against him to sleep. “Sweet dreams,” he murmured, drifting down into sleep.
She floated in languorous pleasure, half asleep herself. “I love you, Cade,” she whispered dreamily, the words flowing out before she knew she was saying them. Then anxiety swallowed her whole. “Cade?” she whispered, catching her breath.
He didn’t react. A long second crawled by and his breathing deepened.
Muscle by muscle, Ryan relaxed. She brushed her lips over his, then lay back against the pillow. “Sweet dreams,” she whispered, breathing a silent sigh of relief and closing her eyes.
And beside her, Cade opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling.
16
WHEN THE FIRST GLOW OF morning hit, he awoke from a restless doze, cradling Ryan’s sleeping warmth against him. Slowly, gradually, consciousness kicked in and he worked his way resolutely past a haze of well being to face reality.
She had said she loved him.It couldn’t possibly be true, part of him protested. They’d been involved for less than three weeks. She was just getting carried away by the physical side.
But the rest of him knew he was oversimplifying. He knew his feelings for her were deeper than a mere physical affair would warrant. Love, though? Love was off the radar screen. No matter how much he might care for her, and undeniably he did, he couldn’t go there. Even if he thought he might love her, he couldn’t trust his feelings to be real.
He thought of his father’s string of wives, each one the one true love—at least for a month or so. And each one a failure when the infatuation wore off. He thought of his feelings for Alyssa. He’d thought it was love, truly believed it, but in the end, when the physical obsession had faded, there had been nothing left but emptiness and silence.
He wouldn’t go through that again. He wouldn’t put Ryan through it. Sure, things felt great now, but that was because the physical part was still hot. Take away the sex, and the rest of the relationship withered.
Liar, a voice in his head whispered as he remembered his feelings from the night before. Oh, but he’d been sure it was deeper with Alyssa, too.
And he’d been wrong.
He wouldn’t hurt Ryan like that. Cade rolled his head against the pillow. He should have just stayed on his own, stayed away from the risk of hurting someone he cared about. Now, the only thing left to him was to salvage the situation. He had to extricate himself from the relationship before her feelings could go any deeper, before he damaged her any more than he could avoid. She thought she loved him, but she couldn’t really, not this soon. It might cut her some when he ended it, but she’d get over it and be glad of it afterward.
Ryan shifted drowsily and turned against him before falling back into slumber. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and she made a murmurous sound. The thought of giving up her sleepy warmth in the mornings, her soothing companionship in the evenings made his chest constrict. It was best all the way around, though. They’d both be better off for it.
And maybe in time, if he tried hard enough, he could make himself believe it.
Cade glanced at the bedside clock and switched off the alarm before it could chirp. It took him a moment to find his clothes, tossed in a pile on the floor of the bathroom. He leaned over ruefully and picked his wrinkled shirt off the floor. It wasn’t like anyone was going to care what he looked like at 6 a.m. anyway, he thought, buttoning his equally wrinkled trousers. He’d have plenty of time to shower and change before going over to pick up Briamante and Littleton.
All he really wanted to do was crawl back into bed and wrap himself around Ryan’s warmth, but that was the one thing he couldn’t do. The sooner he pulled away the better. For now, he’d leave her a note, then call her over the weekend. With luck, he could break things off amicably. After all, they’d agreed to go until one of them burned out their desire.
Too bad he hadn’t even come close.
His clothes were on and he’d sat down to put on his shoes when the door opened and Ryan came in, doe-eyed and sleepy, wrapped in thin red silk. “You’re dressed,” she said, her throaty morning voice making him tighten involuntarily with desire.
“I’ve got to get home and clean up before I go get Briamante and his pit bull for the meetings.” He kept his voice brisk and started out of the bathroom.
“Cade, wait.”
He stopped and turned, steeling himself not to drown in her eyes. “Yep?”
“Last night was wonderful,” she said, stepping close for a kiss. “I didn’t know it could be like that.”
The warmth of her lips worked a magic on him, made him want to forget everything but Ryan, soft and sleepy against him. Why couldn’t it last, a voice inside his head asked as he felt the firm spring of her body against him. Who said it had to end?
Who was he kidding? Cade broke the kiss and shook his head. Enough. It had to be over. “I’d like nothing better than to climb right back in bed with you, but I’ve got to go.”
Ryan trailed him down the stairs to the front door. “Before I forget, I’m going over to my parents’ tonight for dinner.” She pushed her hair back out of her eyes. “You’re invited too, in case you feel like coming,” she said, almost as an afterthought.
He was tempted for a moment, but he knew it would only pull him deeper into the morass, send a message that he was more involved than he really was. Like that was possible, the voice in his head taunted him, but he ignored it. He was doing the best thing he knew how. “I’m sorry, I can’t make it. I’ve got to baby-sit Frank
until he’s done here.”
“Call me later?” she asked.
“I’ll try. I’ll be playing catch up all weekend, though, so it’s going to be crazy.”
“That’s okay.”
The faint surprise in her eyes before she masked it sent regret knifing through him. They’d been together practically 24/7 for the past three weeks. It was natural that he would need time to himself sometime. So why did it feel so wrong?
Cade turned at the bottom of the stairs, unable to resist giving her a real kiss before he headed out the door. He held her for just a moment, eyes closed while he absorbed the feeling. Then he sighed and pulled out of her embrace to drop a soft kiss on her forehead. “Be good.”
Ryan watched him go down the stairs, a thread of disquiet stringing through her. Resolutely she pushed it away and turned to climb the stairs, headed for the shower and the start of her day.
THE SCENT OF ROASTING lamb perfumed the air as Ryan walked through the door and into her parents’ kitchen.
“Hi Mom,” she said, hugging her mother from behind as she mashed potatoes.“Watch it, you’ll wind up getting potatoes everywhere.” Sonia put down the masher, wiping her hands on a dish towel. “Hi sweetie. What’s new?”
“Oh, life’s gotten interesting,” Ryan said breezily, crossing to the table to drop a peck on her father’s cheek as he read the sports page.
He glanced up from the box scores. “You started that murder mystery yet?”
“Any day, Dad, any day. Red Sox knock the Yankees out of first place yet?”
He made a face. “Any day, Miss Smartie, any day.” Ryan grinned as she turned back to the kitchen.
“So how has life gotten interesting?” Sonia asked, pouring juices from the roaster pan into a skillet.
Ryan pulled plates out of the cupboard and began setting the table. “Well,” she said nonchalantly, “I’ve got a beau.”
“Really!” Sonia turned in surprise and dropped her wooden spoon.
“I hope it’s not that much of a shock,” Ryan said lightly, crossing over to pick up the spoon and placing it into the sink.
“Absolutely not, sweetheart, it’s just exciting.” Sonia hugged her daughter. “I’m so happy for you.” She stepped back and took a closer look. “So tell me about him.”
Ryan thought of Cade and smiled. “He’s the head of a company Beckman Markham’s doing some work for. He’s wonderful—smart, funny, good-looking, romantic.”
Her father put down the paper and tried to look patriarchal. “So should I be asking him his intentions?”
“We’ve only been seeing each other for three weeks, Dad. I think it’s a little early to start the interrogation.”
“Okay.” Her father started to raise the paper again, then put it back down. “Give it another month and I’ll be ready.”
Sonia stirred the bubbling gravy in the pan. “Now Phil, no sense in trying to grill her beau before they’ve even gotten started. Let the poor girl enjoy having a date or two before you start threatening him.”
“I’m just trying to be helpful,” he protested mildly.
Sonia turned off the gravy and began scooping potatoes into a serving dish. “So do you like this fellow?”
“Oh, well,” Ryan started to be casual, but the words wouldn’t come. She swallowed. “I think I’m in love with him.”
Sonia’s hands stilled their busy movements. “Well.” She studied her daughter. “That’s serious. Have you told him?”
“Yes.”
“What did he say?”
Ryan’s eyes flicked up to the ceiling. “Um, he wasn’t exactly awake at the time.”
The corners of Sonia’s mouth quirked. “I suppose that’s one way to start.”
“I didn’t mean to tell him. It just sort of came out as I was falling asleep.”
“Don’t feel ready to try it when he’s conscious, yet?”
Ryan pulled on oven mitts and picked a pan of roast asparagus out of the oven. “Well, I don’t know how he’ll react. It wasn’t what we talked about when we got into this. It started out more…casual.” Although if she were honest with herself, it had ceased to be casual within the first five minutes. “I can’t tell how he feels. Sometimes he’s so wonderful it just seems like he’s got to feel the same way I do. Other times, I don’t know.”
Ryan used tongs to lay the asparagus spears alongside the roast on its serving platter and sighed. “I don’t understand this boy-girl stuff. Is there some minimum time before you’re allowed to say what you really feel? Three weeks seems so soon, and yet I’m sure, Mom.” She looked at Sonia levelly. “I’m really sure.”
Sonia blew out a breath weakly. “I think I always knew when it happened for you it would be something out of the ordinary. And sometimes three weeks can be enough.” She looked across the kitchen to where her husband sat, her eyes softening. “Sometimes you just know.”
Ryan sighed. “I didn’t hear from him all day. I know he was in meetings, though. I just miss him.” She gave a sheepish smile.
“Honey, if you really care for him, you need to tell him. Maybe not right away, but soon. You can’t hide yourself away from him.”
“But what if he doesn’t feel the same way? It scares the hell out of me to think about saying something.”
Sonia smiled. “Sometimes you’ve got to screw up your courage and put yourself out there. I did it with your father.”
“With Dad? Wait a minute, I thought he swept you off your feet.”
“I did,” her father spoke up from the table. “Flowers, diamond ring, the works.”
Sonia slanted him a look. “Yes indeed, but who said I love you first?”
“Well, I didn’t want to hog all the glory,” he mumbled, folding up his paper.
“Hog all the glory indeed. You were shaking in your boots, just like I was when I told you how I felt.”
He got up from the table and walked over to Sonia. “And I’ll never forget the way you looked,” he said, raising her chin to kiss her softly. “You were an absolute gift. You’ve been one the whole of my life.”
Misty eyed, Ryan watched them. Their love for each other was an immutable fact in her world. The idea of having that kind of connection herself had always seemed a wonderful impossibility. Now, she wondered if it was perhaps within reach.
The timer went off on the oven and her mother swatted her father on the backside. “Go on, you, or I’ll burn dinner.” She busied herself stirring gravy. “By the way, Ryan, are you aware that your brother leaves for L.A. in less than three weeks? We’re having a send-off party for him next weekend.”
“It’s not enough that he half broke me with medical school tuition,” her father moaned, carrying bowls to the table. “Now we’re spending a bundle on a fancy party to finish the job.”
“Oh hush, you. Your son the doctor finishes his residency and you can’t even see your way clear to having a party for him?” Sonia gave a last glance at the table to see that everything was in its place, then sat.
“I suppose he’s earned it,” Phil allowed, forking up a slice of meat.
“Your Aunt Helen and Uncle Stanley are coming out from Stockbridge,” Sonia said, passing the potatoes to Ryan. “Maybe you can bring your gentleman friend.”
Ryan considered the idea with a little thrill of nerves. “I don’t know, Ma. That’s a lot to throw at someone all at once.”
“It’s a party, it’ll be a low-key way for him to meet everyone.”
“All right,” Ryan said dubiously. “Maybe I’ll ask him.”
SHE COULDN’T REMEMBER when time had weighed so heavily in her hands. Friday night, she’d hurried back to her apartment to find the answering machine shining steady red, indicating no messages. She’d stayed up a couple of hours reading, hoping, really, that he’d come by or call.
If Friday night had been difficult, Saturday had been excruciating. She’d sat at her computer, trying to force herself to work on the new book while the hours dragged. But the phon
e and doorbell remained stubbornly silent. There was something unbearably gripping about the silence; she was unable to stop watching and waiting. In a fit of defiance, she went out to do some errands, thinking wryly that of course the minute she walked out the door he’d call. Coming home, she was certain of it, hurrying up the stairs and bursting through her front door.Only to find the answering machine light solid red.
She didn’t want to be clingy, but she’d expected to hear from Cade at some point. Just a quick hello between tasks. Just a reminder that he was thinking about her. Played back in the current context, his behavior Friday morning began to seem more disconcerting. What if he’d heard her when she’d told him she loved him? What if he were alarmed, thrown off by the sudden change in their relationship? She hadn’t intended to say it, but maybe it had scared him off.
Of course, she was just torturing herself with “what if.” The fact was, he’d been dead asleep when the words had slipped out.
Hadn’t he?
Now, Sunday morning, she ran along the Charles, trying to burn off the nervous tension coiled up in her muscles. Maybe he just felt that they’d been spending too much time together. Maybe he had other commitments. Maybe, whispered a voice in her head, he was starting to get burned out.
She headed east on the Cambridge side, trying to ignore the fact that she’d drawn abreast of Cade’s building. She tried to run past, but her steps slowed and finally stopped. She gave a quick glance up to what she thought was his deck, but she couldn’t tell if anyone was on it or not. She stopped and sank down on a bench, staring at the river, working up her courage.
Her words to her mother played through her head. Is there some minimum time before you’re allowed to say what you really feel? Who said it was too early? Hell, if you added up the time they’d spent together in the past three weeks, it probably added up to a couple of months worth of dates for a normal couple. She knew what she felt, dammit. The more she thought of it, the more certain she became about her feelings.
My Sexiest Mistake Page 21
