But the love thing was beside the point. Reality said they were involved. She ought to at least be able to stop by and say hello without it being a federal case. It was high-schoolish to be afraid not to. This was the twenty-first century. A woman had a right to drop in on a man.
Quickly, decisively, she rose and hurried across the street before she could change her mind. It was nearly eleven. Even on weekends he was an early riser…certain parts of him in particular, she remembered with a quick tingle of desire. At any rate, whether he’d slept in or not, he’d almost certainly be up by now. She could pop in, then go on her way. Nothing heavy, just a quick visit. Nerves roiled in her stomach as she rode up in the elevator. Then she was standing in front of his front door, ringing the bell.
Cade sat on his deck, staring sightlessly at the Charles. A cool breeze blew off the water, riffling the newspaper that lay on his lap, ignored. Over and over again since Friday morning he’d reached for the phone to call Ryan and stopped himself, if only to demonstrate that he could. Over and over her words echoed in his head, stirring a mix of pleasure and anxiety. However much he might enjoy the thought that she had feelings for him, he couldn’t let it continue when he knew she’d wind up hurt.
The bell rang. He frowned, not sure whom or what to expect. He opened the door to find her waiting there.
At first, he felt nothing but a rush of pleasure. The hours since he’d seen her added up to a wasteland of time. He reached for her before he thought to stop himself, closing his eyes to absorb the feel of her in his arms.
Then he made himself let her go.
“Hi,” Ryan said brightly, trying not to be disappointed that after two days apart he hadn’t even kissed her. Trying not to be alarmed that he’d let her go and backed away. “I was out for a run and wound up in the neighborhood. I thought I’d stop by and say hi.”
“Sure, come on in.” He stepped back to let her inside. “I was just out on the deck, reading the paper.” He led her out onto another deck. The blue waters of the Charles glinted beyond the barrier. The thick bundle of the Sunday paper fluttered on a café table. “Have a seat. You want some orange juice or something?”
“Actually, some water would be great.” Water to keep her throat from going completely dry, she thought. She wanted so much to touch him, yet she didn’t want to be the one to bridge the gap. She waited until he came back out on the deck carrying her drink. “How’ve you been?”
“Okay.” He dropped into the chair next to her. “Working, mostly, trying to tie up some loose ends that came up during the VC meeting.” The breeze caught at Ryan’s hair, tossing loose strands around her face and he watched, fascinated.
“It went well, though?”
He nodded. “Yes, it did. They were pretty comfortable when they left, so as long as we keep to our timeline, we’re fine.” Out of habit, he reached out for her hand. Just in time, he realized what he was about to do and detoured for his orange juice instead. “Thank you again for everything you did. You made a difference.”
As he’d made a difference to her, she thought, though perhaps he’d never know. For the first time since they’d become intimate, she felt awkward around him. The ready ease was gone, and stiltedness had taken its place. She took a breath and tried to sound casual. “So, are you having an exciting weekend?”
He moved his shoulders. “As exciting as it gets. I think I left the wild times behind a few years back.”
It was an opening and she took it. “Maybe I can help there. My brother Brendan is leaving to work in L.A. in a couple of weeks to start a surgical position at Cedars Sinai. My parents are having a party for him next weekend.” She took a sip of her water. “I was wondering if you might want to come.”
“To the party, you mean?”
She nodded. “Sure. You can meet my family.”
Cade looked away, across to the blue ribbon of the Charles. “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”
Her heart skipped a beat. Ryan stared at him. “Why do you say that?”
“I just don’t want people getting the wrong idea.” An errant breeze caught at a section of the paper and he concentrated on catching it and folding it back up.
“What do you mean ‘the wrong idea’?” she asked carefully.
For the first time, he met her eyes. “We need to be clear about what’s going on here.”
It was like having ice thrown over her—barrels of it, until she was buried up to her neck, until every part of her was frozen. “And what is going on here?” She forced her voice to stay calm.
“What we agreed on. A physical affair, until one or both of us gets burned out.”
“And are you? Burned out, I mean?” She wasn’t. She was cold, so cold she didn’t think she’d ever be warm again.
He couldn’t bear to see the hurt in her eyes. “That’s not the point. I think you’re getting in too deep.”
“What makes you think that?” Ryan wasn’t sure she wanted the question answered but she asked it anyway.
He took a long breath and looked at her. “What you said the other night as I was falling asleep.”
There was a roaring in her ears. Beats of time went by before she could do anything but stare. “You heard? I thought you were asleep.”
“I was…almost. I couldn’t be sure whether it was real or a dream.”
Unable to keep still, she rose and paced to the rail that ran around the deck. “So you figured you’d just keep quiet and do a disappearing act without saying anything?” She whirled to face him.
“I just thought we needed some distance.” He didn’t quite look at her. “I thought it was best for both of us. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Really? You seem to be doing an effortless job of it right now,” she countered, her voice brittle.
“We agreed not to get involved. To keep it light for as long as it makes sense.”
Simmering emotion inside her turned into anger. “News bulletin—we are involved. We’ve spent the last three weeks together almost nonstop. You can break that off now if you want to, but don’t try to pretend it didn’t happen.”
Just for a moment, he gave into his feelings. “I’m not. It was like nothing that’s ever happened to me before.”
Was, she thought miserably. As in past tense. “So answer my question. Are you burned out?”
“No, I’m not,” he said impatiently. “But it doesn’t matter. Like I said, you’re getting in too deep and I’m not going to let you go any further.”
“You’re not going to let me?” Her voice rose. Now it was outrage that fueled her. “How dare you try to decide what’s best for me. My feelings are my business.”
“No, they’re my business too. I don’t want to hurt you, and that’s just what’s going to happen if we don’t stop.”
“Why? Are you afraid you’ll feel guilty? Or are you afraid if this doesn’t work out you’ll feel like a failure, like your dad?” The barb sank home, she saw, as his eyes focused on hers.
“Don’t try to psychoanalyze me,” he warned.
“I’m just calling it as I see it.”
“I’m not going to hurt you,” he said stubbornly.
“Caring is a risk, Cade. If I care about you—and I do, whether you want me to or not—then I’m taking a chance that I’ll get hurt. I know that, but it’s worth it to me to see where this goes.”
“It’s not worth it to me.”
Anger surged through her. “Why is it that I’m not allowed to care about you?” She burst out at him, her eyes blazing. “If I get hurt, that’s my problem. Wanting out, that’s one thing, but running away because you think you’re doing me some kind of favor, that’s a pathetic excuse for bailing.” He believed he was saving her from hurt by speaking up now, she thought. He didn’t realize that he’d already sliced her to ribbons. “Maybe your parents’ marriage made you think that relationships can’t last, but you’re wrong. You can’t base your life on a single event.”
“A single even
t?” Cade snorted in derision. “Hardly. My mother was just the start of it for my father. He’s been married and divorced more times than I can count on one hand. Every time, he’s sure he’s found Ms. Forever. Six months later, it’s all over but the divorce. That’s what happens when you confuse infatuation and love.”
“That’s him, that’s not you.”
“Oh sure,” he said bitterly. “I was different. I knew it when I got married. I knew I’d make it last. And then six months after the ceremony I was calling a divorce lawyer.” He rolled his head back and stared at the pitiless blue of the sky, then straightened back up to look at Ryan. “My marriage is what happens when you confuse infatuation and love. What we’re both feeling right now is infatuation, and I can tell you from personal experience, it doesn’t last.”
Ryan’s eyes drilled into him. “How do you know what I’m feeling? How do you know what’s going through me when I look at you?”
“I know how it feels when we’re making love. You know yourself that we can’t keep our hands off one another. That’s infatuation.”
Ryan let the anger billow up, let it mask the hurt. “You want to know the first minute I truly fell for you? It wasn’t when we were having sex. It was watching you play with Patrick’s kids, showing them a beetle. Most guys wouldn’t have taken the time. This isn’t just about sex, it’s about you. Don’t you dare trivialize it.”
Her eyes were blazing, her cheeks stained with angry color. She was magnificent. And God, he was pathetic, Cade thought, stuck on her even in the midst of breaking things off. “Entertaining a couple of kids for five minutes isn’t anything. I do it to get them off of Patrick’s back.”
“You’re lying to yourself,” she cried out vehemently. “I was there. I saw you. I saw your face when you watched them walk away. I know that you want what they’ve got.” She knew she was going too far, but she was powerless to stop. “I heard it in your voice when you told me about growing up. You can tell yourself some weak story about your dysfunctional parents all you want. It isn’t just about sex and flash for you, what you really want is family. And yet you won’t let me in.” She blinked, her eyes swimming. Now the blind ache was rushing in, too fast for her to stop it.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“That is such a crock,” she said, her voice breaking. “It’s you that you’re afraid of hurting. You’re so afraid that you’ll be just like your dad, you’re so afraid that you’re going to care and be left alone that you won’t even look to see what I’m holding out to you. I’m not asking for promises, Cade. I’m not asking for forever. All I’m saying is let’s try.”
But forever was what he wanted to give her, even though he knew it would blow up in his face. “I can’t do that,” he said passionately. “I won’t.”
The silence settled around them, brittle and deafening.
“I guess that’s it, then,” Ryan said, almost too softly to hear. “You’ve got what you wanted.” She turned blindly to go, fumbling to slide open the glass door.
“Ryan, wait.” He caught up with her in the kitchen.
She turned back to him. “What for? You’ve already said everything that needed to be said. The sooner we’re away from each other, the better.” The tears didn’t start falling until she walked out the door.
17
RYAN SAT IN HER OFFICE, staring out at the gray drizzle of the morning, which mirrored the bleakness she felt inside. Two days had passed since her debacle with Cade, and nothing had gotten any easier. And it wasn’t likely to any time soon, she thought. The void stretched in front of her, a desert of days to get through until the memory began to fade. Days of looking around her office and seeing him there. Days of standing in front of classes, thinking of Cade watching her from the back row. Night upon night of missing him, missing a part of her.
Her phone rang and Helene’s name flashed on the caller ID screen. Ryan sighed and reached for the receiver.“Hello.”
“Hey kid.” Helene’s gravel voice jumped out of the receiver. “How ya doing?”
“Fine,” Ryan said colorlessly.
“You don’t sound fine. You sound a little tapped out.”
“I didn’t sleep very well last night.” Understatement of the year. She’d tossed and turned until dawn lit the room.
“That guy of yours giving you a workout?”
Ryan closed her eyes. “No. Look, Helene, I’m really busy today. What did you need?”
“Well,” Helene said, stretching out the word, “I thought I ought to call you first thing today. I figured you might want a little extra time to write your resignation letter.”
“My resignation letter?” Ryan repeated, and then comprehension hit. “You heard from Elaine?”
“She loved it.” Helene’s voice was triumphant. “She said it’s the best stuff you’ve ever done. The four-book deal is closed. You’re a full-time writer, kid.”
She should have been thrilled. All she could manage was a sort of dull pleasure. “That’s good news.”
“Good news? That’s all you have to say? I expected you to be shrieking with joy.”
Two months ago, she would have. Two months ago, she would have been ecstatic.
Two months ago, she hadn’t known Cade Douglas existed.
“What’s up, kid?” Helene’s voice was puzzled. “I thought you’d be bouncing off the walls. You did it. You can quit now. Your life is your own.”
“That’s great, Helene.” Ryan forced excitement into her voice. “Seriously. It’s what I’ve been waiting for. I couldn’t be more pleased.”
“You don’t sound so pleased. What’s going on?” Helene’s voice turned suspicious. “This sounds like man trouble. Something going on with Cade?”
“Nothing’s going on with Cade.”
“I guess that’s the problem.”
“Helene, stop it. I…” To her horror, she felt sudden tears well up.
“Ryan? Are you okay?” Helene’s voice was sharp with concern.
She squeezed her eyes shut and took deep breaths, willing herself to stay in control.
“Ryan?” Helene’s voice became more urgent. “Say something. What’s going on?”
Ryan blew a breath out. “I’m okay,” she managed, striving for calm. “Sorry to worry you. Cade and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.”
“When did that happen?”
“Sunday.”
“You or him?”
“Both of us.” She looked bleakly out the window. “If it’s not working for him, it can’t work for me either, can it?”
“In other words, him.” Helene said grimly. “I warned him about hurting you. Just wait until I get ahold of him, I’ll make him so sorry—”
“Helene, don’t you dare say anything to him.” Ryan’s voice was energized for the first time in days. “I appreciate the thought, but I’m okay with it, really.”
“Yeah, you sound real okay.”
“I’m fine. Thanks for the news about the contract. That’s great. I’ve got to go write my resignation letter.”
“Not so fast,” Helene said. “We’ve got some other arrangements to discuss. It’s time to think about taking things to the next level. There’s a publicist here in Manhattan that I’ve done some work with before. He handles all the marketing, press releases, promotions, everything.”
“Why on earth do I need that? I’m not exactly Nora Roberts.”
“And you never will be until you start doing some leg-work. Now that you’re going on multicontract level, we’ve got to build your name. Perry’s the guy to do it.” Ryan could hear Helene draw on a cigarette. “He’s supposed to be up your way soon. I’ll set up a meeting with him and let you know.”
“Helene…”
“You need this, kid. This is what happens when the breaks start going your way.”
The breaks couldn’t be further from going her way, Ryan thought, but she knew Helene well enough to know when it was time to give in. “All right, fine,” she sighe
d. “Let me know when I’m supposed to meet with him and I’ll do it.”
“Great,” Helene said in satisfaction.
“I’ve really got to go, though. I want to get my notice in to Barry so I can get this all over with.”
“Enjoy it, kid. You’ve earned it.”
SHE STOOD IN THE BREAK room the next morning, watching the coffeemaker brew her a much-needed wake-up. Her discussion with Barry hadn’t gone well. He’d been by turns injured, betrayed, wheedling and bullying. She didn’t know if she was more shocked or affronted at the salary increase he’d offered in an attempt to keep her; finding out he was willing to pay her half again as much as her current salary only told her how much she’d been underpaid.
“Barry, I’ll act as a consultant a couple of days a week until the eTrain project is closed, but that’s it,” she’d said. He’d mowed over her words obstinately, ignoring the fact that she’d spoken, very nearly ignoring the fact that she’d quit. He seemed to think if he acted as though he were still her boss, he could order her not to leave.Ryan sighed as she poured herself a cup of coffee, then headed down the hall to her office. The phone rang as she dropped into her chair and the caller ID screen lit. Ryan read the name and caught her breath for an instant, listening to the ring three times before she made herself pick up the receiver. “Ryan Donnelly.” It took work, but she kept her voice toneless.
“Barry tells me you’re leaving.”
There was no hello, no preamble. He took it for granted that she’d know his voice.
“I gave notice yesterday.” Why was it that he could break her heart and still his voice could make her pulse race? Where was the justice in that?
“I take it your contract came through?”
“Yes. I’ve told Barry that I’d consult on an as-needed basis until the eTrain project is done.” Her voice stayed toneless. “I should be able to finish taping the basic courses before I leave, though.”
Cade stared at the phone. The past three days had been the longest he could remember. He was sure he was doing the right thing, but he’d never expected it to feel so hollow. And how long was it going to be before he stopped missing her in his life, before he could think of her without a surge of loss? He forced his mind back to the conversation, all too aware that he’d called without really needing to. He’d called just because he couldn’t pass up a chance to hear her voice. Pathetic, he thought in irritation, and his words came out clipped. “Do you have a schedule mapped out for the courses that need to be taped? Barry tells me you’re only giving two weeks’ notice.”
My Sexiest Mistake Page 22
