The Armchair Detective Returns: Series Two

by Ian Shimwell

  DEBSY: A wonder-product?

  MARCONI: It must remain a secret for a little while longer to achieve maximum… impact. All I can tell you is that when Project C is on line, a huge amount of money will be made. The company will go… Oh, here’s my bus – goodbye.

  (The bus stops and picks up MARCONI.)

  DEBSY: He didn’t sound very Italian.

  TRENCH: No, that’s what I thought.

  DEBSY: I’m still hungry, you know.

  TRENCH: What do you fancy, an Italian?

  (Quirky, yet thoughtful music changes the scene.)

  (TRENCH is typing away on his computer in the Stokeham Herald office. The door opens.)

  TRENCH: Debsy – what are you doing here?

  DEBSY: Oh thanks, good morning to you too.

  TRENCH: Well, shouldn’t you be at ‘work’?

  DEBSY: I’m on the ‘butty run’, so I thought I’d stop here before collecting the sandwiches for my fellow packing girls.

  TRENCH: ‘My fellow packing girls’. You are settling in there. I’m touched.

  DEBSY: Yeah, you are touched.

  TRENCH: It’s nice to see you and all that Debs, but as you can see I’m very busy. After all, I am having to carry you, you know.

  DEBSY: Watch it, Trench. We both know I’m not moonlighting for fun, well mostly not. But I did pop over to give you some good news.

  TRENCH: Which is?

  DEBSY: After constant badgering and mithering and pestering, Kathy has finally agreed to show me where she actually works.

  TRENCH: The hidden production line?

  DEBSY: I’ll tell you at elevenses, when I should have the chance to nip out for a smoke. I’ll have seen it by then, whatever ‘it’ may be.

  TRENCH: I don’t know – ‘butty run’, elevenses – your employer doesn’t half spoil you. I’m surprised you ever have time to do some packing!

  DEBSY: Hah, very funny. I don’t have time to much reporting though, which reminds me: Is Editor Law in today? I hope he hasn’t missed me yet.

  TRENCH: Relax, Editor Law is playing golf all day. Some sort of county championship or something. As for missing you, he told me yesterday that you’ve been doing a great job in the last few days. I don’t know whether that’s a good or bad thing.

  DEBSY: I’d better go for the butties.

  TRENCH: See you at elevenses, dear.

  DEBSY: Bye bye.

  (Brisk music moves the time on.)

  TRENCH: Here she is, about time.

  DEBSY: (Who coughs.) This smoking is a drag. (She laughs at her own unintentional joke.) That’s quite good. Anyway, I haven’t long – Gilcrest has informed everyone that a major announcement will be made at a full staff meeting at three o’clock.

  TRENCH: How interesting… Do you know if Gilcrest has a meeting with Marconi prior to that announcement?

  DEBSY: No, but I can find out. I’m sure I can access other people’s diaries on the factory computer system.

  TRENCH: Good work, Debsy – and did you see the phantom production line where your friend, Kathy is supposed to work?

  KATHY: (Who joins them.) Yes, yes she did.

  DEBSY: Oh, hi Kathy – fancy a cigarette?

  KATHY: No thanks, I have my own.

  TRENCH: Dare I ask what was so special about the secret packing line?

  KATHY: Yes, you have dared so, so tell him Debsy.

  DEBSY: Err, it was all so brand new and futuristic. Fully computerised – and very efficient.

  TRENCH: But what was the actual product being packed there?

  DEBSY: Ah, I couldn’t actually see that, but then again for safety reasons, I had to wear these strange goggles that had a different coloured lens in each eyepiece.

  KATHY: We had better go, come on.

  DEBSY: I’m coming.

  TRENCH: Wait – Kathy, can I come to the meeting this afternoon by any chance?

  KATHY: I doubt you would ever get past security…

  (Music, laced with suspicion closes the scene.)

  (We hear the toaster pop up.)

  OLD TOM: The crumpets, they are ready.

  TRENCH: I’ll go and fetch them, shall I?

  (There’s no answer from OLD TOM, so TRENCH goes in to the kitchen.)

  TRENCH: Where’s the butter?

  OLD TOM: Oh, sealed in two plastic bags in the bucket of water where the milk is. You know, next to the fridge.

  TRENCH: Silly me for not thinking…

  (We hear TRENCH buttering the crumpets.)

  TRENCH: I know this is probably, somehow a daft question, but why don’t you keep the milk and butter in the fridge?

  OLD TOM: I don’t like fridges. Anyway, I like to eat fresh!

  TRENCH: I knew I shouldn’t have asked.

  (TRENCH returns to the living room with the buttered crumpets. He gives a crumpet to OLD TOM and sits down opposite his old friend.)

  TRENCH: Well, let’s eat up.

  OLD TOM: Oh, no no no. We must wait for the crumpets to become cold before eating.

  TRENCH: I should have known.

  (TRENCH places his still full plate on the table.)

  TRENCH: As I was saying, Old Tom, Debsy discovered that Gilcrest and Marconi are having a meeting at two o’clock – one hour before the ‘major announcement’.

  OLD TOM: Just as I suspected, but it doesn’t leave you with much time, Trench.

  TRENCH: You want me to go there? To Gilcrest Gadgets, now?

  OLD TOM: Yes, you must, I’m afraid. But first understand why. Think about the clues so far…

  TRENCH: The secretive nature of Gilcrest; publicity shyness; lack of openness regarding his business partner, Marconi; the remarkable increase in share prices…

  OLD TOM: And the hidden production line.

  TRENCH: Yes, Kathy showed Debsy around it. Very splendid, apparently but Debs could not tell what product it was packing. She was also wearing strange, different coloured goggles.

  OLD TOM: Now, think about Marconi himself…

  TRENCH: Marconi implied that Kathy’s packing line was responsible for producing ‘Project C’ – but what is it? A wonder-product, something very profitable for Gilcrest Gadgets?

  OLD TOM: ‘Project C is on’, I believe that’s what you said Marconi spoke of…

  TRENCH: Yes…

  OLD TOM: Tie it all in with the latest issue of the Stokeham Herald. Come on – think, Trench think.

  TRENCH: The Stokeham Herald..? Yes, of course! It all fits perfectly into place. Now, why couldn’t I make the connection?

  OLD TOM: Rustiness? Don’t be too hard on yourself, Trench – because you are going to have to desperately dash. You had better leave your crumpet for later.

  TRENCH: Yes, I must reach the factory – before, before…

  OLD TOM: Before it’s all over…

  (TRENCH dashes from OLD TOM’s flat.)

  (Fast-paced music moves things along.)

  TRENCH: I demand to be let in! I must see Gilcrest at once.

  SECURITY GUARD: I’m sorry, sir. Entry to the factory is strictly by appointment only, and besides, I believe Gilcrest is in a top-level meeting at present.

  TRENCH: Just call him, please – it’s important.

  SECURITY GUARD: If you insist… (He dials the internal number.) Sorry to disturb you sir, security here, but there is a Mr… err?

  TRENCH: Trench.

  SECURITY GUARD: Trench. He is demanding to see you right away.

  TRENCH: Tell him it is of the most vital importance concerning the whole factory.

  SECURITY GUARD: Did you hear that, sir? Good, very good – I will.

  (The SECURITY GUARD puts the ‘phone down.)

  SECURITY GUARD: Surprisingly, Mr Gilcrest said you can go right through.

  (The SECURITY GUARD presses a buzzer which releases the door mechanism. Without waiting, TRENCH rushes through.)

  (A very brief spell of hectic music moves time along.)

  SECRETARY: I’m sorry, you can’t go in there, s
ir. They are having an important meeting.

  TRENCH: I know – and don’t worry, I’ve been invited.

  (A couple of pairs of footsteps rush to the scene.)

  TRENCH: Debsy and Kathy. Good timing, I hope.

  DEBSY: We saw you rushing past – and followed.

  KATHY: What are you doing here, Trench? And how did you get in?

  TRENCH: I am here to disrupt a meeting – like this!

  (TRENCH flings the office room door open and marches inside. DEBSY and KATHY follow.)

  GILCREST: Trench – and couple of packing girls. How nice, and you are only just in time. Trench, would you be so good as to pass this cheque to Mr Marconi?

  TRENCH: Certainly.

  (TRENCH takes the cheque from GILCREST.)

  TRENCH: It is a cheque for five hundred thousand pounds, made payable to Mark Marconi.

  MARCONI: Do you have a problem with that?

  TRENCH: No, I don’t.

  MARCONI: Then give it to me.

  TRENCH: It is for an awful lot of money…

  KATHY: (Who shouts:) Just give it to him!

  TRENCH: Mr Gilcrest, before you hand cheques out – you should really check, you know.

  GILCREST: Meaning?

  TRENCH: Meaning, you can have your cheque, Marconi – but in pieces!

  (Dramatically, TRENCH tears up the cheque.)

  KATHY: No!

  DEBSY: That’s torn it!

  TRENCH: A rip off for a rip-off, wouldn’t you say, Marconi?

  MARCONI: You are as mad as a hatter, Trench. Gilcrest, please write me another one if you want Project C, the wonder-gadget, to launch this backstreet factory into an international success story.

  TRENCH: ‘Project C is on’, I think that’s what you said – or should I say, Project Con?

  DEBSY: The con is on?

  GILCREST: Will someone explain to me, what exactly is going on here?

  TRENCH: I think it’s high time we all visited the fifth production line – without the fancy goggles this time…

  KATHY: You blundering fool, Mark – I warned you this was too big, too dangerous…

  MARCONI: It’s time for us to leave.

  (MARCONI and KATHY push their way out. GILCREST picks up his office ‘phone.)

  GILCREST: Ah, security – don’t let Marconi…

  TRENCH: …or his wife.

  GILCREST: …and his wife, Kathy leave just yet. Thank-you.

  (GILCREST puts the ‘phone down.)

  TRENCH: The production line, then.

  GILCREST: I think I should, don’t you?

  DEBSY: Right, follow me then. Walk this way, but don’t walk my way – you might attract funny looks! Oh, and I quit, by the way!

  (Mystery music changes the scene.)

  TRENCH: So, Old Tom, what do you think the fifth production line was?

  OLD TOM: It was… nothing. It simply did not exist, it never existed. In fact, it was little more than an empty room.

  TRENCH: How did you know..? No, I know how you knew now…

  OLD TOM: It was all, of course, a rather compelling confidence trick.

  TRENCH: ‘A compelling con’, I like that. And Marconi had five hundred thousand reasons to get it right – which he very nearly did.

  OLD TOM: A long con, meticulously planned. Posing as a top executive, Marconi chose a relatively vulnerable victim – a son wanting to prove himself, to emerge from his father’s shadow.

  TRENCH: Gilcrest.

  OLD TOM: Yes, Marconi fed Gilcrest with dreams of impossible success – success that would have cost him everything.

  TRENCH: He was convincing though, even the Stock Market was fooled. Hence, the share price hike.

  OLD TOM: Marconi employed his wife, Katherine to look after ‘Project C’ for him.

  TRENCH: He could even allow tours of the fifth production line.

  OLD TOM: Naturally, as long as they wore their special goggles.

  TRENCH: Yes, that was one of the clues that clinched it for you, Old Tom, wasn’t it?

  OLD TOM: Almost, yes. A cheap projector and three-dimensional or 3D glasses provided the illusion of an ultra-expensive packing line.

  TRENCH: Maybe Gilcrest somehow subconsciously suspected Marconi?

  OLD TOM: Perhaps that is why he allowed you past security…

  TRENCH: But you, old timer, consciously suspected Marconi. Was there anything else that was to eventually seal his fate, in your eyes?

  OLD TOM: I found it rather curious that you followed Marconi to a bus stop of all places. I would have imagined that a high-flying executive of his obvious calibre would be driving a top-of-the-range sports car or something else unnecessarily flashy – and not catching the number nine bus.

  TRENCH: Point taken. And Marconi himself, of course, provided the infamous ‘Project C is on’ clue. Over-confidence, wouldn’t you say?

  OLD TOM: Or the arrogance of a twisted sense of humour.

  TRENCH: You even worked out they were a married double-con-act before I did.

  OLD TOM: You really ought to pay more attention to your Debsy. She probably mentioned the articles she was writing?

  TRENCH: Dear Debsy did talk about a couple of foreign grifters along with a noisy neighbour story she was working on.

  OLD TOM: I only read it myself, by chance – just before your last visit, from the illustrious pages of the Stokeham Herald: ‘A foreign couple, known only as Mark and Katherine are rumoured to be operating in the local area.’ Need I go on?

  TRENCH: No, but where did the rumour originate?

  OLD TOM: Their last victim, probably…

  TRENCH: Well, Marconi and wife won’t be coming back in a hurry. Gilcrest said he would prosecute if they ever set foot in this country again. Oh, Gilcrest’s father has returned to the factory, part-time of course – just to keep an eye on things from now on…

  OLD TOM: Very wise. And you must congratulate, dear so-called dizzy Debsy. Her undercover work was invaluable.

  TRENCH: I will, old timer. So, the armchair detective returns… with a vengeance..?

  OLD TOM: I am not sure about ‘with a vengeance’ though.

  TRENCH: Oh, and despite the fact that we basically saved their company, Gilcrest Gadgets still won’t resume sponsorship of the Stokeham Herald, would you believe? How’s that for gratitude?

  OLD TOM: Never mind – at least it means you will be stuck as a reporter coming to me for help on intriguing stories…

  TRENCH: Yes, there is that, I suppose. And did you know that Marconi really was Italian, and surprisingly used his real name?

  OLD TOM: Yes, remember he would have had to have his real name on the all-important cheque. And Marconi’s dialect did not sound Italian because he left Italy when he was still very young.

  TRENCH: Now, how could you possibly know that? I’ve checked – and you’re right.

  OLD TOM: Pure deduction, I would have already expected you to have mentioned Marconi’s nationality, if it was fake like the rest of him, except his identity, of course.

  TRENCH: Amazing.

  OLD TOM: Right, as a treat, Trenchy – you can have your cold crumpet – you deserve it.

  TRENCH: Gee, thanks. Well, I suppose this all means we are definitely back together, at last.

  OLD TOM: Back, my boy, back? Back? As far as I am concerned, young Trench, we have never been apart.

  CLOSING MYSTERY MUSIC

  NEXT: The Armchair Detective and the Logical Problem

  Read more…

  Read Old Tom Home Alone, a ‘sideways glance’ which is intended to accompany and compliment this script in an original and thought-provoking way. Look out for PLAY OF THE MONTH at www.thearmchairdetective.moonfruit.com

  www.thearmchairdetective.moonfruit.com

 

 

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