Doin' Me

by Wanda B. Campbell

  Judging by the peaceful atmosphere, it was as if they’d always been together, but they weren’t together, and Tyson doubted they ever would be.

  All weekend his heart and mind had battled over his feelings for Reyna. His heart embodied the love he possessed for her, but logical thinking told him to move on. In church on Sunday he’d prayed for direction with Reyna—something he’d stopped doing months ago—but he didn’t get an answer right then.

  He took Paige’s urgent call Monday morning as a sign, of what, he wasn’t sure. Then Jewel had called, and everything became clear. He had to help Reyna, but he hadn’t figured out how. Although now she was more receptive to him, she was still pushing him away. Mylan’s discernment of Reyna’s feelings for him, combined with Reyna’s fit of jealousy, had left him with a minuscule amount of hope. However, Reyna had crushed those hopes when she refused to level with him.

  The Reyna seated across from him, licking cheese from her fingers, wasn’t the same headstrong, know-it-all woman he’d chased down Kevin’s hill six months ago. He often wondered if anyone else had noticed the natural glow on her face. Whenever she entered a room, she brought sunshine. The thick layer of makeup she insisted on wearing dimmed the illumination for him, but she still radiated.

  Today, without makeup, her natural beauty appealed to him, but the glow had vanished. He had noticed the second she entered the living room at Jewel’s house, and every time he had looked at her since. She smiled and laughed with him, but depression clouds and rainstorms blocked her sunshine. Her vibrancy and drive were depleted. Fresh emotional wounds commingled with old ones had built a fortress to keep her spirit bound. Something or someone had devalued her and had caused her to lose self-confidence and to find solace in a bottle. Before driving her back home, he planned to use every litigation tactic he had to make her talk.

  “Would you like me to make you another one?” he offered after she’d taken the last bite of her sandwich.

  “No, but I’ll trade you a fry for a bite of yours,” she said, waving a fry in his face.

  He slid his plate over. “You don’t have to bribe me for anything. Just ask for what you want, and it’s yours.”

  Her left hand shook slightly, and her eyes blinked rapidly. Something else new that he noticed. She seemed nervous and fearful, but she put up a good front.

  “I see your anality is back,” she teased and slid the potato into her mouth, then reached for the remaining half of his sandwich.

  He allowed her to eat in peace, but the second she washed the last bite down with lemonade, the interrogation began.

  “Leave them,” he instructed when she stood to clear the table. “I’ll do them later, or the housekeeper will take care of it in the morning.” He stood and reached for her hand. “We need to talk.” He didn’t miss the fear masking her face when she timidly accepted his hand and followed him inside to the den. Instead of sitting side by side with her on the sofa, he directed her to the lounge chair. Wanting to concentrate on her every word and move, he sat on the ottoman in front of her. He waited for her to begin. After several minutes of watching her play with the belt on her sweater, he initiated the conversation.

  “Reyna, sweetheart, talk to me,” he said in his most nonthreatening tone. “What’s going on? You know you can tell me anything, and I promise I won’t judge you. I know you think I have in the past, but that wasn’t judgment. I spoke out of frustration because I wanted so much more for you than what you were settling for. I wanted . . .” He stopped before he turned the focus away from the present. “Just tell me why you came to my office. What did you want to tell me?”

  She ceased playing with the belt and wrung her hands. “Can I have some tissues?”

  “Don’t move,” he said and backed off the ottoman. Hope stirred when he returned from the bathroom and found her still there.

  She accepted the Kleenex box from him but waited until he had repositioned himself on the ottoman before she spoke.

  “My life is a mess, and I don’t know what to do about it. You were right. It’s more than my mother’s confession about my real father. It’s strange, but that may have brought us closer together.”

  Tyson started to ask how but didn’t want to interrupt her now that she had opened up.

  “Since I last saw you, I’ve made some bad decisions. I was so determined to prove my mother, you, Pastor Jennings, and everybody else wrong, I dwelled in a fantasy world I created with people that weren’t real. I gambled, and I lost everything, including part of myself.” Her voice lowered to a whisper. “Drinking numbs the pain and gives me an escape. When I’m drunk, I don’t have to face the truth that I don’t have anything. I lost it all. My car is gone, and my credit cards are maxed out. I’m sure Paige is going to fire me, and soon you’ll evict me, because I can’t pay you.”

  “Hold on,” he said, lifting her chin. “I don’t know about Paige, but I’m not going to evict you.” At least he could ease one of her worries. “You can stay in the town house as long as you want rent free.”

  “No, I already owe you more than I can pay,” she blurted, then quickly added, “I mean, you were already taking a loss by charging below market rent.”

  He massaged her shaking hands. “Relax. The town house is paid for. I use the rent to cover the taxes and HOA fees. The rest I save. Stay as long as you need to.”

  “Thank you,” she mouthed. Sniffles accompanied the tears that trailed down her cheeks, and she allowed him to wipe the tears away with a tissue.

  Tyson needed more details. “Is the white guy you were hugged up with at Skates one of the fake people you’re referring to?” Bull’s-eye, he thought when her jaw dropped and her breath caught in her throat. He didn’t miss the fear in her eyes, either.

  “How d-did you f-find out about Peyton?” she stuttered.

  “Peyton. So that’s his name.” Tyson kept the invidious comments that surfaced in his mind to himself. “I didn’t find out anything. The night my father and I connected, we ate dinner at Skates. I saw the two of you there, but you were too busy giving him a lap dance to notice me.”

  “I did no such thing,” she said in her own defense. “I’ve been liberated, but not to the point of—”

  “Okay,” he interrupted, not wanting her to get off track. “You weren’t lap dancing, but you were practically sitting on his lap. So is he part of your fantasy world?”

  “Yes.” Her head dropped. “He earned the top awards for best actor and director.”

  His heart constricted as images of the horrible things the man might have done to Reyna flashed before him. Even at a distance the man had looked shady to him.

  “Are you still seeing him?” He had to know. “Is he still part of your life, fantasy or real?”

  Her head shook laterally several times before the answer came forth. “No. I’m done.”

  “Are you seeing anyone else?”

  “No.”

  Tyson released the breath he’d been holding. At least there wasn’t a third party involved; still, he couldn’t shake the feeling that Reyna was holding something back.

  “How did you feel about me before that night?” she asked.

  The question caught him by surprise, and he was uncertain how to answer. “What do you mean?”

  She leaned forward and for the first time made eye contact. “Level with me. What were your real feelings for me? We were once close friends. I know you cared about me, but to what extent? In the past you dropped hints, but you said nothing concrete. I probably wouldn’t have listened back then, but I’m listening now. How much did you care?”

  He leaned forward with his elbows perched on his knees, contemplating how to respond. How could he answer the question without revealing how much he still cared? On a regular basis he trained clients on how to answer questions without giving up too much information. The time had come for him to follow his own advice.

  “I cared a lot. When I walked into the restaurant that night, I was in love with you.”r />
  She gasped and covered her mouth, then fell back in the chair.

  “However, when I exited, I accepted that you didn’t see me that way and would never feel the same. That night I started the process of releasing you from my heart.” He released a sigh of relief, thinking he’d dodged a bullet.

  “What about now? How do you feel now? Were you successful in removing me from your heart?” She held her open palms up. “Think about it before you answer, and please don’t lie to me. I don’t trust my own judgment anymore, and I’m leery of most people. I don’t trust my mind or heart to decipher what’s real from what’s fantasy. People have lied to me and have fed me pipe dreams so they could take from me, but with you it’s different. Everyone else takes from me, but not you. You freely give to me, knowing I can’t give you anything in return.” The tears and shaking returned. “Please, tell me how you feel. If you care about me, tell me. I need to hear it. Tell me. I’m listening, and I’ll believe you. I just need to know, as messed up as I am, that I’m worth loving. That I’m not worthless and stupid—”

  “Stop! You’re not stupid.” His heart couldn’t take any more. The self-preservation wall tumbled down, and he fell from the ottoman to his knees, collecting her hands.

  “It didn’t work,” he admitted audibly for the first time. “As hard as I tried, it wouldn’t go away. Mylan’s good looks and sensitivity couldn’t touch what I feel for you. Thank God she had enough sense to send me packing before I ruined our lives by substituting her for you.” He squeezed her hands. “I do love you, but in all honestly, it feels like a death sentence, because you won’t let me love you. You would rather manipulate and reject me than open up to me. You insist on settling for mediocrity when you can have and be so much more. You’re a daughter of the king, and you deserve the best, but you refuse to receive the gift the Father wants to give you through Him and through me.”

  He closed his eyes and emptied his lungs. The burden of internalizing the pain her rejection had caused weighed heavier on him than he’d thought. Her serene countenance surprised him, but not as much as the touch of her fingertips caressing his beard.

  “People change,” she whispered before pressing her lips against his.

  If his confession hadn’t left him open and vulnerable, Tyson would have broken the sensual exchange. Instead, he pulled her closer and deepened the kiss, and when she gripped his head and pressed him closer to her, he returned the favor by releasing the scarf concealing her unkempt hair.

  “Don’t,” she moaned against his lips when he pulled at the scarf. “I look a mess.”

  “You’re beautiful with or without chemicals,” he mumbled against her neck as the scarf cascaded to the floor. He assumed the truthful words pleased Reyna, because her tongue slid deeper into his mouth and her hands tugged at the buttons on his shirt. He cried out when her soft fingertips found and massaged his pectorals, and he lost control.

  When Tyson finally regained control of his mind and body, Reyna lay beneath him in his bed, moving in sync.

  Reyna imagined she resembled a mental ward escapee, lying there giggling and crying at the same time, with her “overdue for a perm” hair standing all over her head. What was she to do? Euphoria and bliss saturated her being, and for the first time she knew what it felt like to be loved by a man. Tyson did love her and not just with words. With his thorough lovemaking, he’d cherished her and touched her soul, giving her the gift of womanhood.

  “Are you sorry?” He asked the question while kissing away both her happy and regretful tears.

  “Sorry that I didn’t save myself for you,” she answered honestly. Chase and Peyton didn’t deserve her. “Are you sorry? I mean, what we did is contrary to your lifestyle. I’m not very good at it, but hopefully, I wasn’t too bad.” She let out softer nervous giggles in anticipation of his answer.

  The dark green hue returned to his eyes and a warm smile parted his beard, causing her heart to jolt.

  “No, sweetheart, I’m not sorry. I love you, and you’re perfect for me.” He leaned down and brushed her lips with his own. “But I can’t condone what we did. As wonderful as it was, the act was contrary to God’s will, and I failed to protect you. Are you on the pill?”

  The giggles ceased. She wasn’t on the pill, and her supply of condoms was at home. “No.”

  He rolled onto his back and mumbled something Reyna interpreted as a desperate prayer. Fresh tears threatened to fall as she felt him withdrawing from her emotionally. She bit her lip and prepared for the worst.

  He braced himself on his elbow and turned her chin toward him. “Please forgive me for placing you in this predicament. If I impregnated you, promise me you’ll have the baby, even if you don’t want it. All you have to do is have it, and I’ll take it from there,” he pleaded. “Promise you won’t have an abortion, even if you don’t want me.”

  From his desperate plea, Reyna sensed Tyson had his own demons to contend with. “If it comes to that, of course, I’ll have your baby.” For her the request was a no-brainer. Relief washed over his countenance, and she stroked his beard with the back of her hand. “Just so you know, I do want you in my life and not only as my friend, but . . .” She paused to search for the right words.

  “But there’s still more you need to tell me,” he said, finishing for her.

  She nodded. “There is. And I will tell you very soon. I just need to take care of some details first,” she said, thinking she needed to make sure Peyton had left the premises before giving Tyson the grand tour of the depressed remnants of his town house. “There’s still that issue of being unequally yoked. I’m not sure if I’m ready to go back to religion and legalism.”

  He snuggled closer. “Considering I just finished committing fornication and would probably do it again if I had a condom . . .”

  She jarred his side.

  “Hey, I’m just being honest.” He chuckled, then sobered. “I may not be the best witness right now, but try to receive what I’m saying. God doesn’t desire the religion or legalism you grew up in. What He wants from us is a relationship. God is a loving father who loves us past our faults. Although I’m disappointed in myself, my actions tonight didn’t surprise Him. He’s not pleased, but He loves me and is waiting to extend grace and mercy. God loves Him some Reyna Mills. There is nothing you can do to make Him stop loving you, because there is nothing you did to make Him start loving you. There isn’t a sin He won’t forgive you for. You’ll run out of sins before He runs out of grace and mercy.”

  He lifted her chin. “I believe God has been speaking to your heart already and your resolve is dissolving.”

  She buried her face against his chest, refusing to confirm or deny the call.

  Chapter 30

  Kevin’s whistle pierced the solace of Tyson’s office after his friend shared relevant details of the previous night. As best friends and accountability partners, when they fell, they confided in one another and restored one another.

  “I guess this means the two of you worked through your communication issues,” Kevin teased.

  “Whatever, man. I feel bad enough. I can do without your jokes.”

  “I couldn’t help it. You were in such denial, I thought you’d never come around. Less than a week ago, you were still talking that ‘love comes later’ marriage foolishness with Mylan. What happened?”

  Tyson smirked. “As always, Reyna’s drama happened, and I had to be there for her.”

  Kevin’s eyebrow shifted. “Really? You just had to be the one?”

  “Man, you saw how messed up she was the other night at her mother’s house, so fragile and helpless.”

  Kevin helped himself to Tyson’s supply of Reese’s. “The purpose of these sessions is for restoration. That can’t happen if the party in question isn’t truthful. Attorney Stokes, do I need to remind you, you’re under oath?”

  Tyson threw up his hands. “All right. When she came to my office, I knew then I wasn’t over her. Okay, I was relieved when My
lan dumped me. I love Reyna, and I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to make love to her. I just didn’t mean for it to happen this way.”

  Kevin tossed the candy wrapper into the trash and reached for another peanut butter cup. “I assume you confessed your love before you hit the sheets?”

  “I’m not like you,” Tyson answered, referring to when Kevin had held Marlissa in limbo.

  Kevin shrugged off the jab for the stall tactic it was.

  “That’s what got me in trouble. She asked me how I felt, and I started singing like a canary,” Tyson revealed. The two laughed. “Man, she had me so messed up, I didn’t even think about a condom. It wasn’t like I had one lying around, anyway.”

  Kevin stopped laughing and whistled again. “Whoa, man. No condom?”

  “It gets worse.” Tyson went on to explain how he had begged Reyna not to abort his child if she got pregnant.

  Kevin sat contemplatively. “What’s next? Does she share your feelings?”

  With everything in him, Tyson wanted to answer in the affirmative. He wanted Reyna to love him so much. This morning he convinced himself she did, although she hadn’t expressed the sentiment. She had admitted she desired more than friendship.

  “I believe she does, but she doesn’t trust herself. Plus, she’s hiding something from me. This latest episode has depleted her self-esteem and confidence.” He saw that Kevin was staring at him. “I know. Sleeping with her didn’t help,” he interjected when Kevin opened his mouth. “In fact, it may have caused more harm than good,” he admitted sadly. “But she needed me. No. I needed her. Actually, we needed each other.”