by Izzy Shows
"We should address the elephant in the room."
I winced. "Do we have to?"
"You know as well as I that we won't return to our normal friendship until we do. There will always be a strain if we continue to leave things like this, and I miss you, brother."
"I miss you too," I said, smiling softly. Alex had always been like a brother to me, so having him hold himself apart from me was painful.
"I saw Nina the other day," he said cautiously. "She seemed quite upset."
I tensed at the mention of her, though I had known it was coming. As he had said, there would be no resolving things between us until we had spoken of her, but I didn't feel ready for it yet. Not with all that had gone on, not with the way she had so confused me.
"What was she upset about?"
"I'm not sure. At the time, Tomas had been accosting her--not that it went very far; I intervened--and then we spoke of other things. But she did not seem altogether present for the conversation, and her distress did not abate when Tomas left."
I felt a fierce surge of anger within me.
Another dared to touch her? He will die. I will destroy him. She is mine.
The thought left me shaken, so much so that I almost dropped my drink, and I had to bring it to my lap to cradle it with both hands. Nina was not mine to protect and defend, and I shouldn't be so worked up hearing about this.
It's only normal. You'd be just as upset if any female had been endangered like that.
But I knew better. If I'd heard of a vampire accosting any other thrall, I'd be only mildly annoyed. But because it was Nina...
"Are you all right, Gray?"
"Hm?" I snapped back to attention.
"You're about to break your glass if you keep clenching it like that."
I loosened my hold on the tumbler. "I've no idea what you're talking about."
He arched an eyebrow. "Very well. As I was saying, she seemed upset, but she didn't say why, and truth be told, I didn't ask about it. I wanted to speak to her about other things, and I feared she might leave if I touched on a subject she wasn't ready to discuss."
"When was this?"
"Three days ago, I believe."
The day I enthralled her. She was upset because I touched her.
Oh, is that what you call it? Touched her? You practically molested her. She hates you now. There’s no denying that.
I flinched at the snide voice inside my mind, wishing I could chase it away but knowing I deserved all of it and more. I had almost...
But I couldn't think about that, not right now. Not with Alex present.
"I know why she was upset," I said darkly.
"Oh? Why?"
"That was the day I enthralled her. No doubt having her freedom marred in such a way upset her."
"Oh, yes, I could see that," he said, nodding. "That would certainly have affected someone like her greatly."
Not as much as being manhandled by someone like me.
Then I frowned for an entirely different reason, narrowing my eyes at him as I caught on to what he'd said previously.
"What were you there to talk to her about?"
"Her reasons for her actions, naturally," he said, shifting so that one leg was crossed over the other, his ankle resting on his knee.
I scowled. "Her reasons don't matter. She betrayed me in the worst possible way."
"I forgave her," he said softly, his eyes locked on mine, clearly aware that this would start an argument.
And it did.
I slammed my glass down on the side table and lurched to my feet.
"How could you?"
To his credit, he neither flinched nor moved to stand. "I believe Nina is a victim of circumstance, and we have no way of knowing what she would have done or who she would be if she had ever been given the chance to decide. Do you know the poor girl has made only one decision in her entire life?"
"It doesn't matter. Wait--what was it?"
"To save you."
I sat down with a thud, elbows resting on my knees, and stared down at the floor.
Her only decision in her entire life, and it was to save me? Why?
If anything, that left me even more confused than I had been before. I didn't feel I could ever forgive what she had done, but, damn him, Alex made so much sense.
If only I had had the luxury of actually figuring this out for myself, if only the Council wasn’t so intricately involved in everything to do with her, I might have been able to make more sense of the situation.
"For what it's worth, I don't think she'd have done it if she'd been able to decide," he said softly.
I shook my head. "It doesn't matter. What’s done is done."
But the words didn't ring quite as true as they had before. Truthfully, I was rather impressed that she had been able to win Alex over. He wasn't soft, by any means; he was the most loyal friend I had ever known. This was the first time we had disagreed in such a way.
If he believed this about her, maybe there was something to it.
"You said she's never made her own decisions," I said slowly. "That we have no way of knowing who she might be, underneath it all?"
"Yes. She was shaped by the people who controlled her, every step of the way. The guards in our dungeon, then the man who took her under his wing to turn her into a hunter."
"I want to know who she is," I said, and I was gratified to hear the firm note in my voice. Finally, a decision I could stand by, some firm ground I could stand on.
I might not know how I felt about what she'd done, and I might not know what to do with her, but this was a starting point.
"Well, then, talk to her."
"I can't," I said, grimacing. "The damned Council banned us from interacting at all."
"And you've never disobeyed the Council," he said with a grin.
"Well..."
Now that he’d mentioned it, who were the Council to tell me whom I could or could not talk to?
I just needed to figure out how to get to her.
11
Nina
My back ached as I scaled the inner wall of the castle, climbing up to my room. Two weeks had passed since Gray had enthralled me, and every day, sunrise to sunset, I'd been out of the castle, either talking to the wolves or pretending to spy on them. It was what the Council wanted, but it was leaving me more than a little exhausted, especially considering that they still wanted me to act like the perfect little thrall all the while.
I was barely getting any sleep. The vampires operated from sunset to sunrise, and there was so much to do every day now that I was being run into the ground. I longed to sleep for an entire day and night, to close my eyes and let the blessed darkness take me away from what my life had become.
Hopefully, soon I'd be able to do that, but at the moment, I just had to get back into the castle.
Maybe I can complain of a headache or something and be excused from all the ridiculous nonsense that goes on during the night so I can get some sleep.
That sounded like a good idea. Yes, that was what I would do.
After all, if I continued on like this, stealing ten or twenty minutes of sleep at a time, I was going to drop dead before long. I needed to sleep. It was a basic human right, or it would have been if thralls had had any rights.
I gripped the windowsill that led to my room and swung myself up and over to land in a crouch on the floor in front of the window. Eyes closed, I stretched as I stood up, bending to one side and then the other, my hands raised over my head, and a soft moan slipped out of my lips at the delicious sensation of tension leaving my body.
The sun wouldn't fully set for another thirty minutes. I could get some sleep in the meantime.
I opened my eyes and slapped a hand over my mouth to stifle a gasp. Sitting on the couch, all but cloaked in the shadows, was Grayson.
What the devil is he doing here?
I hadn't seen hide nor hair of him since he'd enthralled me, which was as it should be. The Council had stric
tly prohibited us to see one another--not that it was necessary, I thought. Grayson hated me now, I was certain of that, which made it all the more confusing to find him here in my room.
A rush of shame washed through me as I thought about everything I'd done to him and what he must think of me now. Likely, he was here to chastise me for something I'd done wrong or to finally scream at me for everything I'd done to him.
I deserved it, and more. If that was why he was here, I wouldn't argue with him.
"Gray?" I couldn't stop myself from using his nickname, my voice soft and cautious. "What are you doing?"
He didn't move a muscle. He was leaning forward somewhat, his legs spread with his elbows resting on his knees, but his face was turned up to look at me. I couldn't make out his features in the darkness, but I imagined a look of loathing on his face.
"I wanted to talk to you--"
"I'm sorry," I blurted, unable to stop myself from interrupting him. "For everything. I'm really—I’m so sorry."
Was I mistaken, or had I seen a flash of his teeth for a moment, there? Had he smiled?
"Thank you. I appreciate that. I can't forgive you, not yet, but I appreciate the apology."
I nodded. "Of course. I don't expect you to."
He stood at last and crossed the distance to stand in front of me, and though I tried not to, I flinched.
He frowned. "What's wrong?"
I straightened my shoulders. "Nothing. Sorry. I'll take whatever punishment you see fit. I won't duck."
"You think I would hit you?" he whispered, and I could hear the hurt in his voice.
"I...I..." Words eluded me, now that he'd planted the seeds of doubt in my mind. "I crossed you. I deserve to be punished."
"I would never hit you, Nina." His eyes were sad, as if I had somehow insulted him.
"But that's what you do when someone disobeys."
"Did he hit you? The man who trained you?"
I lifted my chin. "Not him, but I was punished when I disobeyed."
"In the dungeon, of course."
"Not usually. They preferred to whip me. It was the only way to get a reaction out of me."
But he didn't seem to find that funny. Instead, he pulled me into his arms and held me tight against his chest, his face buried in my hair.
The surprised cry that escaped me was stifled by his chest, and for a moment I was stiff before I relaxed into his arms.
"It will never happen again," he said, and I felt the growl that rumbled through his chest.
For a moment, I felt completely protected. I nuzzled my cheek against his chest, a small sound of contentment passing my lips, and then I realized how wrong I was.
I didn't deserve to take comfort from him. Not after everything I'd done to him.
What did you do that wasn't deserved? He's a vampire! They're monsters!
The thought burst into my mind, confusing me, and I stepped back out of his arms. No, I definitely didn't deserve his comfort, not after what I'd done. I shouldn't be taking comfort from a vampire, anyway.
"You shouldn't--I betrayed you."
His features tightened, and he took a step back. "I didn't come here to talk about that."
"What, then?" I asked, frowning. "What did you come to talk about? We're not supposed to be around each other."
"I want to know who you are," he said simply. "I want to know who you are underneath everything that has been forced on you."
I blinked, surprised, and opened my mouth to respond--then shut it. I didn't have a response. It was a question I'd never thought about.
Who am I?
I was a hunter, of course, but that wasn't something I'd chosen for myself. As Gray had said, that had been forced on me, decided by someone else. And I was a blood mage, but again, that was a matter of birth. It defined me, but I knew it didn't answer his question.
I walked across the room and took a seat on one of the armchairs, deciding that the couch wasn't a safe place. Not after what had happened there last time.
He sat there, though, clearly unaffected by what had passed between us.
Fine. I could be unaffected too.
"I need a minute," I said. " I don't know how to answer that."
"Take your time," he said quietly. "I don't expect it to be an easy answer."
No, it certainly wasn't. I frowned as I thought about it, digging inside myself to find something that would satisfy him.
But that brought memories to the surface, memories that I had fought to ignore for years now. Memories of my abuelita, my sisters... Pain lanced through my heart, sharper than any knife, a guilt I carried deep inside for having left them behind.
I just left with Conall. I didn't even try very hard to get the other people out. I could have freed them, too, but I didn't. Oh, God, they're still down there, still hurting, and it's all my fault!
I felt a wetness on my cheeks, and I swiped at the tears I found there. I had tried so hard for so long to not think about any of that, to be the killer Conall wanted me to be, instead. I’d tried to remake myself, because that was what Conall had said was necessary. To be weak in his world was to die, so I couldn't be weak. He'd said that survival was all that mattered, and I'd allowed myself to believe that.
I want to see my sisters.
More tears spilled down my cheeks, and I heard a strange, broken sound. Slowly, I and realized that it had come from me.
"Nina? What's wrong?"
"I--I don't know how to explain it..."
"It's OK, whatever it is. We’ll work through it."
"I left my sisters down there, in the dungeon. When I was rescued, I tried to go and get them, but the wolf wouldn't let me. I didn't fight very hard, and I've tried not to think about it, but..."
"But it came up just now," he said, finishing what a sob had cut off.
I nodded miserably.
"You did what you had to do to survive," he said grimly. "Just like you’ve done here in the castle."
"That's what he said I had to do," I whispered. "He said all I could do was survive, and to survive, you have to be cold."
"And you took it to heart."
My eyes flashed in anger at the judgment I heard in his voice. "It was do or die, Gray. I didn't want to die."
"Good," he said, which surprised me. "I didn't want you to die, either."
"Why?"
"I don't know, to tell you the truth. I should, but I don't. I'm sorry about your sisters."
"Could I see them?" I tried to keep hope out of my voice.
He grimaced. "All I can say is that I'll try. It won't be anytime soon--things are too unstable right now. But I'll see what I can do."
I nodded. "Of course. The Council needs to see value in me before they'll give me any kind of consideration. I don't expect any less."
He was silent. A part of me was dying to know what was going on in his head, but I realized I still hadn't answered his question.
I let my shoulders slump. "I don't know who I am. That’s the honest truth. Everyone's decided everything for me. I have no idea who I might be, who I could have been, and I doubt I'll ever get to find out."
He didn’t seem to be angry. I’d thought he might not like my answer, that maybe he would think I was trying to avoid the question.
"Who do you want to be?"
I shook my head. "It doesn't matter. I'll always be nothing and no one."
12
Nina
Who would think that weeks of sneaking around and spying on people could be boring? But it was, and I was getting tired of it. Weeks had passed since I'd spoken to Grayson, and I hadn't seen him since. Apparently, he’d gotten what he wanted out of that conversation, and that was all that mattered.
I'd gone to see the wolves several times now and had given false information to the vampires in turn. Trying to find information on the vampires to give Conall was a lot harder than I'd thought it would be, and Conall wasn't happy with what little information I'd been able to find. He wanted something bi
gger, something more.
Which was what had brought me to the Council chambers hours before sunrise: the hope that I might find something to pacify him. Playing both sides of this equation was becoming exhausting--if only it had been enough to keep me on my toes, I might feel a little better about it. But I feared I was growing sloppy because it was getting to be so tedious. Go here, go there, get this, get that, over and over again, and all I wanted to do was hunt.
I wanted to run out into the night and feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins as I took a life. Nothing would ever make me feel more alive than that.
Nothing except for a certain vampire, you mean.
My cheeks flamed at the thought. It was true: when I was with Gray, everything else fled my mind. There was only him and me in those moments, when my heart beat too fast and I didn’t want to be anywhere else.
But that was forbidden. It was horrible enough that I had those thoughts to begin with, that I felt that way about being with him. I should hate him for being what he was, not lust after him.
If only I could go back to the way I'd been before I'd met Gray, everything would be so much easier. Before Gray, I'd never been interested in anyone--although there wasn’t much opportunity to meet anyone in the dungeon, and when I was with the wolves, none of them had been particularly appealing to me. There were several men and women in the compound who were attractive, but none of them had done anything for me emotionally or physically. I'd simply never wanted to be with someone.
I was a virgin, and I'd been perfectly happy with the idea of dying that way. It would be better that way, to live without all the messy emotions that came with wanting someone. You couldn't exactly be a cold-blooded killer if you were lusting after someone--least of all, one of your targets, as I was learning.
The whole ordeal was very confusing, especially for someone like me who had no experience in that department. Everything Gray did to me, every touch and every kiss, was new and exciting and made me feel so amazing...
Stop thinking about it. You're here to do a job, for God's sakes.
Right. I took a deep breath, then another, to clear my head, then continued rifling through the room. This wasn't the same room I'd stood in when I went before the Council--that was where they heard cases. This room was where they did all their actual decision-making. There were numerous cabinets and drawers throughout the room, and most of them were filled with boring information that Conall wouldn’t find even a little impressive.
