Tiger Moths

by Sandra Grice

  Johnny could barely make out the sound of his own voice among the howls of laughter. He finally managed a “Yes, Mrs. Brown,” and slipped immediately to the bottom of his seat. Rose must think I’m a complete idiot. This day can’t get any worse.

  And yet the day would get far worse for Johnny.

  Red-faced and feeling friendless, Johnny wandered into the hallway after English class. He had worked himself up to finally ask Rose out, but after this setback all might be lost. Tragically he may have lost out before he even started his courtship in earnest. Rose had rushed out of class as soon as the bell rang, leaving Johnny behind to endure a post-class tongue lashing from Mrs. Brown. After what seemed an eternity, he extricated himself.

  He impatiently pushed his way through the sea of students and made it to his locker. His plan was to exchange books and hustle out the front door before anyone saw him. Above all else, he wanted to avoid contact with everyone so he could escape the humiliation that bore down on him. And yet, if he could just get Rose to go out with him, all would be well.

  Reaching his locker, he found a plain white envelope neatly placed between the rusty metal slats. His hands shook as he opened it, half expecting something to jump out at him. Instead there was a neatly penned note inside. He read it to himself, beads of sweat forming on his brow.

  “Dear Johnny, I think you are really cute. You make me smile all of the time. Can you meet me by the bench, behind the gym after school? I would love to talk to you; hope to see you then. I’ll wait for you there. XOXO, Rose.”

  I knew it; I knew she liked me. She doesn’t judge me like the rest; she likes me for who I am! Oh, Rose, you are the best.

  He shoved all of his books into the locker and raced to the gymnasium. As he approached the door he slowed to a walk. Now be cool, Johnny; you don’t want to scare her away or make her think you are a lunatic.

  As he walked across the gym floor he suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of doubt. He felt self-conscious and could not think of what he would say when he saw her. He could feel his cowlick sticking up, as usual. He wet his fingers with his tongue and rapidly patted his hair. Was that better or worse? Something just did not feel right, but there was no turning back now. He had waited a long time for this moment and he was not going to blow it.

  He gave the door a hard push and stepped outside. Shading his eyes with his hand, he scanned the area for the bench, until at last he saw her. He gasped as the full realization of what his eyes had seen struck him. He fought to process the scene. He fought, because he did want to believe it was real.

  There was Rose, beautiful, kind Rose, sitting on the bench and (could it be true?) making out with another guy. Worse, it was not just any guy. Sitting next to Rose, kissing her, holding her, was Kyle Freedman. Kyle was the quarterback of the football team; his football team. He had thought Kyle was his teammate and friend. He had thought Rose was going to be his girl. Rose!?

  Tears welled in his eyes and throat as he backed away toward the gym. He could not breathe anymore, nor did he want to. How could you, and with Kyle? I’ve got to get out of here before they see me.

  As he reached for the door, it opened. Startled, he jumped back and stumbled to the ground. Four upperclassmen walked out and looked down at him. Their laughter filled his ears like hot coils. By now he could not hold back his tears as he looked up and saw their red and white letter jackets - more teammates. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Rose stand up, looking startled herself. Kyle walked over to the lettermen and patted one on the back. “Good one, guys,” he laughed with them.

  “Poor little Johnny, lost his girl and started crying like a little baby. Come on now, Johnny, Rose is way out of your league. You need to grow up, boy, and give up this notion of playing ball with us – you are good enough to carry our water bottles and that’s about it. Let’s go, boys. Rose, are you coming or not?”

  Rose hesitated for a moment then walked to Kyle. He hung his arm loosely around her and turned her to walk with him. She resisted slightly and appeared to try to turn her head back to look at Johnny, but the resistance was weak. She walked away with Kyle and the others. Everyone laughed, except Rose.

  Johnny’s tears mingled with the dirt on his face, forming mud streaks down each side of his cheeks. He laid his face flat on the ground and cursed the day he was born. Pounding his fist into the dirt, he cried out until he was exhausted and his hand was blood encrusted. He had lost his girl and his dream on one miserable afternoon.

  Johnny could not recall how he made it home or what he had done for the past four hours. His mom was working late and he had answered Granny’s call to dinner by angrily mumbling that he was sick. Later, he had yelled at her harshly, saying that he did not want anything to eat. Then he fell into bed and regretted his harshness.

  That had been an hour ago, and that is all he could remember. His life had lost all equilibrium and purpose. He wanted nothing to do with anything or anyone. One thing was for certain, he would never set foot in that school again. Dreams had become nightmares, and hopes were now horrors. He would not be dating Rose. He would not be playing his beloved game of football. His best of days had expired before they were known. The time of his life was never lived. He fought back yet another torrent of tears. It was another wave of humiliation. It was further evidence of his worthlessness. He slammed his fist into the mattress, disgusted at himself and angry at the world.

  A soft knock on the door startled him and abruptly interrupted his downward spiral. Then he heard the graceful voice of his grandmother.

  “Johnny, it’s me, son, Granny. Can I come in, sweetie?”

  “Granny?” He sniffled. “No, no. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to see anybody or for anybody to see me. Just go away, please.”

  But it was too late; Granny had already pushed the door open and stepped inside. If there was one thing Johnny knew about his granny, it was that once she got her foot in the door there was no going back. He knew too that Granny loved him more than just about anyone; and if he was in pain, she would do whatever it took to help him.

  “Johnny, now you tell your granny what it is that is ailing you, and we will get you fixed right up.”

  There was no shyness to Granny. She walked straight to his bed and sat down on it. He lay on his back, with both arms covering his face.

  “It’s nothing, Granny, just a virus or something I guess. You shouldn’t be in here right now. Really, I’m fine. But I don’t want you catching this bug. It’d be really hard on you, you being older and all.”

  “In all my born days! I don’t think I ever heard of a broken spirit being contagious now, Johnny. Don’t you know by now that your ole granny is smarter than you think? I know a beaten-down soul when I see one, and I knew you was one as soon as you walked through that door. I just held back a little bit before I came up to see ya, ’cause you needed a little time to mediate on it all. That’s where the understanding part comes in. And that ain’t easy, Johnny. But the really hard part is what you got to walk through now, and in the morning when you go back to school.”

  “No! I’m never, ever going back to that school again, and I’ll never play football. That’s all I wanted to do, Granny. I just wanted to have friends and play football. And I wanted Rose to like me. But I’m not going to have any of that now.”

  “Then you are no family of mine, Johnny boy. Now you listen to me, and this is not going to be easy for you to hear. But there has never been a living Clark that has been a quitter. And you are no quitter either. You will get through this, but it will not be by your own strength. A time like this is when we have a chance to really get to know our Creator. Johnny, you have never once complained about your lot in life – even when your daddy left you and your momma, you were strong. Even when your granddaddy passed, you gave your ole granny comfort. Now somebody has done gone and tried to break you down by some cruel act they probably thought was funny. That’s how it is with kids your age. I ain’t so old that I forgot what that
was like.”

  Johnny lowered his arms and looked up at Granny for the first time. In a way it was as if it were the first time he had ever really seen her. He had always thought the world of her, but until now he had never realized the breadth of her grace and the depth of her wisdom. It was as if she could see directly into his heart.

  “How did you know that, Granny? How did you know about how they laughed at me?”

  “Oh, my sweet boy, kids have held a cruel streak in ’em since the beginning of time. It goes all the way back to Cain and Abel. Seems there is something in us humans that makes us want to build ourselves up at the expense of others. I don’t really think people understand how much they can hurt you until it happens to them. See now, Johnny, you’ve been laying up here in your bed asking “Why, why me, why did they do this, why did God let ‘em”– a thousand different whys. Like I said that’s the understanding part – but the only thing you will ever really understand is that you have to move past it - most of the time without any answers to all of those whys. Now, though, comes the growing part. Because you have been through this, you have a choice to grow above it so that you will never ever hurt anyone like you have been hurt. Now you have grown to really understand the meaning of ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ See, Johnny, it’s not just words; it is the way our Creator God directs us to live life.”

  Granny leaned over and brushed Johnny’s hair from his eyes. She drew in a sigh and continued. “Here’s the thing, Johnny. Your other choice is to grow bitter and angry at the world. And some people do that. Their goal is just to get back or get even or make so much of themselves that no one can ever touch them. That’s a devil trap. If you choose that path, all that you have to offer and all God has planned for your life will never be known. I’ve seen people take each of these paths, Johnny, and I pray every night for you that you will take the high road, the glory path your granddaddy used to call it. I knew this day was coming, when you would face this decision for the first time. Son, I’ve been praying for you since the day you were born. And I’ll keep on praying for you, because I think the Lord has some wonderful plans for your future. But you will come to crossroads like this again and again in your life.”

  The rain continued to pelt the tin roof on the aged house, but its familiar sense of comfort had returned as Granny spoke. Johnny’s pain was deep and devastating, but he believed everything she had said. He could feel the warmth of her love, but in a deeper sense he felt the power of a Father he had not lost, one who had not abandoned him. He sat up and pulled his sage mentor into his arms.

  “Granny, I love you.”

  “I love you too, my dearest Johnny.”

  It was all that he said. It was all that she wanted to hear. It was all that was needed to maintain the divine course of his life.

  When morning broke the next day, Johnny looked across the field as the sun rose quietly in a brilliant cobalt blue sky. Streaks of orange and red and yellow burnt radiantly through the fog. He threw open a window and heard a chorus of nearby birds. Thank You, Father, for the gift of this day.

  He quickly finished his chores in the cool of the morning, cleansed himself in a hot shower, and went to have ham and eggs. As always, the toast and jelly was served on the side. His mother and grandmother were already at the table as he started gobbling his food down.

  “Johnny Clark, what did I tell you about chewing your food?”

  Johnny took a big gulp of orange juice, swallowed and looked at his mother. “Oh, sorry, Mom, it’s just that I’m playing football now and I’ve got to be strong.”

  He looked at Granny and winked. Granny smiled back and gave him a knowing look.

  “Strong and full of grace, Johnny,” she whispered.

  “Yes, ma’am, strong and full of grace,” Johnny echoed, and took another healthy bite of ham.

  A DIFFERENT DREAM

  1982, VANDERBILT LAW SCHOOL

  Dale jumped up quickly when her alarm sounded. It was the only way she could force herself to leave the warm confines of her small bed. The frigid weather had once again found its way inside her efficiency apartment. She quickly pulled on her socks and robe and went to turn up the thermostat. Normally she did not consider herself to be a wimp, but she hated cold weather. Despite the dreaded cold, her tight student budget meant conservation on many levels.

  Glancing in the bureau mirror she flinched at the sight of her over-grown mop of chestnut brown hair. She liked it shorter, but haircuts cost money. A closer look revealed that her emerald eyes were bloodshot and puffy. It would only get worse with the strain of her studies.

  She walked into the kitchen/dining area and searched for the generic box of oatmeal. As always, it had been pushed behind the multiple packs of macaroni and cheese and stale crackers. Arthur rubbed his furry body against her legs.

  “Hey there, big guy. It is cold, I know, but the heat should kick on soon. Here, sweetie, let me get you some breakfast.”

  Dale filled the cat bowl with a dry/wet food mix and set it on the floor. She refilled the water bowl and gave Arthur a full body stroke. Arthur purred his appreciation and dug in to the food.

  “Ahh, the little things, Artie. I love you, sweet boy. And remind me to call your Grandparents tonight. It is almost the end of the week and I haven’t called yet.”

  Dale glanced at the clock. Seven thirty already. She hated to rush, but she needed to get a move on. She bowed her head to ask grace over her mundane breakfast, ate hurriedly and took a quick, cold shower. After pulling on a pair of jeans and a thick sweater, she turned down the heat and braved the great outdoors.

  She walked to class briskly, still not quite believing that she was a law student at Vanderbilt. Hard work and excellent academics had enabled her to be the first of her family to graduate from the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. Shortly after graduation, she was accepted into the prestigious Nashville law school. Her family never could have afforded it, but a combination of grants and scholarships and community love offerings had made it possible. Remembering the gifts and well wishes she sighed and breathed a silent prayer of gratitude. God is so good.

  In her distraction she was nearly hit by a young man speeding along on his bicycle. To avoid her, he steered quickly off of the sidewalk. He then skidded in the gravel and lost control. The cyclist landed with a thud on the road and groaned.

  “Oh my!” Dale gasped and ran to the young man.

  He rolled to his side and began to sit up. By the time Dale got to him he had shaken the cobwebs and seemed to be recovering. She reached down instinctively to assist him.

  “I am so, so sorry. I didn’t see you coming and I … oh, it is my fault. Are you okay? What can I do to help you?” Dale asked compassionately.

  As soon as he saw her his expression changed from bewilderment to appreciation. His smile changed to a laugh. “Yes, I’m fine. How are you? That was a close call!”

  Dale was not sure if he really was in full control of his senses. For some reason he was laughing like a school boy. “I’m fine too,” she finally answered.

  As if he were reading her thoughts he said, “I’m laughing like this because I was ready to be really angry at whoever made me crash, but then I saw you. Pardon me for being so forward, but if this is what it took to meet you, I’d do it a hundred times over.”

  He stood up and saw her blush, then continued. “I’m Jason Crownfield, business student, and really bad cyclist.”

  She shook his extended hand and laughed. “Nice to meet you, Jason. I’m Dale Grayson. You must be freezing.” She really looked at him for the first time. Tall and dark, with a wide smile and matching dimples, she was surprised it had taken her this long to realize what a good-looking man he was.

  He interrupted her thoughts when he spoke again. “Dale, I am so sorry I nearly ran over you. I am a little late for class and I just wasn’t watching where I was going. Can I make it up to you? How about a cup of coffee to warm us both up?”

  �
��Oh, that is not necessary. It was really my fault, not yours. It was nice to meet you. Take care of yourself. I’m sorry, but I must really get to class.”

  “And what class might that be?”

  “Torts,” she said without thinking.

  “Oh, so you are a law student. I’ve not seen you before so you must be a one-L.”

  Surprised that he knew the slang term for a first year law student, she answered, “Yes, I am.”

  He laughed again. “Sorry to be so talkative. I know you are in a hurry. It’s just that I know a couple of law students, and I have also discovered that the best place to study on campus is in the law library. So I am there a lot. Maybe I will see you again sometime.”

  “Maybe so.” She smiled politely and turned to go to class. Jason, you are nice and really good-looking, but right now I am focused on one thing only – school.

  And so Dale’s resolve was as set in stone as her routine. Each day it was rise to the sight of her own breath in her apartment, nourish Arthur and herself, say a prayer and study. That is until the day she saw a notice on the bulletin board that changed everything.

  She checked the board on occasion to see if there were used books for sale that could help her study. But today the one that stood out simply said: ROOMMATE WANTED – TIRED OF CHEAP TOLIET PAPER AND RAMEN NOODLES FOR DINNER? ME TOO! LET’S POOL OUR RESOURCES AND LIVE A LITTLE – CALL ME, LAURA MCGEORGE – 1L.

  Dale laughed out loud. The poster matched her sentiments in every detail. She was unsure about having a roommate, but it was worth considering. It would be wonderful to be able to afford a little heat at night, and she and Arthur could both use some healthier food. She reached up to tear off one of the strips of paper with Laura’s phone number.

  “Yes! I was hoping you would be interested!”

  A voice came from behind Dale. Startled, she wheeled around to see who was so excited about her actions. She was met with an enthusiastic hand thrust her way.