Shattered & Scarred: The Sacred Hearts MC

by A. J. Downey

  “Stuff is getting heavy honey you might want to step aside.” Doc called from behind me.

  “Oh! I’m sorry!” I called and stepped to the side, into the dining area. Ethan, Doc and Chandra filed in passed me. The strange man I didn’t know was watching me from the living room, arms crossed, hazel eyes coolly assessing. I swallowed.

  “Hi.” I ventured.

  “Hey.” He answered.

  “Ashton, Derek… Derek, Ashton.” Ethan said and disappeared down the hall. He went into the second door on the left and I nodded politely to Derek who raised an eyebrow at me. I went down the hall, the air in the apartment cool against my legs. I had chosen a pair of shorts and a tee based on the sun shining outside. While it was warm in the direct sun it was still too cool for shorts which I had belatedly found out but it hadn’t been worth it to go digging through everything for pants.

  The first door on the right passed the kitchen was a bathroom. It looked stark without a shower curtain. Everything was white. The walls, the bathtub, the toilet, the sink even. The only thing breaking up the stark white monotony was the tan counter top and the earth toned linoleum.

  The door across from it was the linen closet and so I went passed it and looked into the room Ethan had disappeared into. He was standing beside his bed, a king size by the look of it. It was made of a rich dark cherry wood, a four poster with large round cannonballs atop each post at chest height. A matching dresser sat against the wall at the foot of the bed. His back was to me as he pulled clothes from the duffel bag which was almost as big as me. He was separating them into piles on top of the bare mattress and I crept further down the hall to the last door on the right.

  The walls were white like everywhere else in the apartment. The carpet a light cream. An air bed covered in a white bottom sheet and white top sheet sat in the middle of the floor, the head pressed up against one wall. The closet was just inside the door to the left and I set my box inside it on the floor. A blue square of cardboard sat on the foot of the bed and I picked it up with shaking fingers. I sank to the floor and opened the gift card envelope.

  For blankets and whatever else you can get out of it. Welcome home. –Ethan was written in his careful printing. I sank cross legged the rest of the way onto the carpet and looked around the stark and empty room, the window in the back wall was closed, the venetian blinds drawn but turned so that the natural light illuminated the room.

  “You okay?” Ethan asked softly from the door way.

  I turned to look at him, he was standing, shoulder propped against the door jamb, arms crossed over his chest causing the fabric to strain across his broad shoulders, the sleeves tight around his biceps. His long hair was only half pulled up and hung behind his ears, down his shoulders. He was watching me, carefully considering, his expression schooled into one of neutrality as he waited to see what I would do. I turned back to the empty room and looked it over again.

  “So this is what it feels like to start from the beginning?” I asked.

  “Yeah.” He said, tone neutral.

  I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, I wanted to sing and I wanted to scream all at the same time. I felt swamped by emotion and yet I felt numb. I didn’t know what to do with myself and so I did what came naturally… I was unerringly polite.

  “Thank you for my gift card.” I whispered.

  “You’re welcome Babe.” He said.

  “Hey she in here?” I heard Andy ask.

  “Oh good!” he exclaimed and I turned at the sound of rustling paper. He held a flat rectangular object wrapped in white birthday paper, colored balloons and streamers printed on its surface, cursive script proclaiming ‘Happy Birthday!' flowing between them. I couldn’t help it, I broke into a smile and frowned at the same time.

  “My birthday is in December.” I said.

  “Yeah well, it’s a housewarming present.” He said and shrugged, “And it’s sort of like your birthday too… I guess.” He smiled and I laughed and that made Ethan smile for some reason.

  “Can I come in?” Andy asked and I looked at him and Ethan both, just outside my bedroom door and sobered.

  My bedroom door… they were asking if they could come in… I nodded rapidly, my throat suddenly squeezed tight by unshed tears. They came in and sat on my floor with me. Andy put the large housewarming package in my lap. Doc, Chandra, Reaver and the man I didn’t know, Derek stood in the door way.

  I looked at Ethan.

  “Don’t look at me Babe, this is all Squick.” He said. I looked at Andy and down at the package in my lap and worked a fingernail under a bit of tape.

  “You’re killing me!” Andy said and I looked up at him, he was grinning and I felt my lips spread in an answering grin of my own. I tore the paper indelicately, ripping a diagonal swath across the glass of a framed picture.

  Not a picture, a drawing… A poster sized drawing. At the bottom of it was the logo, perfectly rendered, for the musical Les Miserables. Rising behind it was every character, lovingly rendered from Andy’s imagination, all of them completely obvious to me… Jean Valjean, Fantine, Javier, Cosette… my vision blurred and a keening sound escaped my throat. I thrust the image at Ethan and tackled Andy in a fierce hug.

  “Thank you so much!” I cried and there was broken laughter from outside the room.

  “I haven’t finished the other one but I’ll get it to you as soon as it’s done. I did one for Phantom of the Opera too. He was grinning and I wiped my eyes and laughed, taking the framed poster in its simple black frame back into my lap. It was colorful and vibrant and so amazing that I couldn’t stop smiling. Ethan clapped Andy on the back and his expression was one of pure gratitude and I think it was in that moment that I fell a little in love with Ethan “Trigger” Howard.

  “C’mon Babe, let’s get the rest of what’s in the pickup in here. I want to get you to Wal Mart before it closes so you’ll have some blankets tonight.” Ethan stood up and reached down for my hand. I let him pull me to my feet and I stripped the rest of the paper from the frame and lovingly leaned it against the wall.

  I smiled at Andy and he put an arm across my shoulders as we walked out into the rest of the apartment.

  “How did you know?” I asked.

  “Dude I heard you singing that shit your first day around the shop when you thought no one was listening. My sister was in choir all through high school I know all about Les Mis and Phantom.” He grinned down at me and I smiled up at him and gave him another hug around his lean frame.

  “You’re awesome.” I said and he laughed.

  “Don’t you forget it Sweetheart!” He wrinkled his nose at me and tweaked mine and I laughed incredulously.

  “Come on! Some of us are getting’ hungry!” Reaver yelled from the top of the stairs and for some reason I burst into a fit of giggles.

  We made the run to Wal Mart in record time. I selected a comforter set and a microfiber warm fuzzy blanket. The blanket was a light lavender, the comforter set a gray background with a deep purple damask pattern. It was only fifty dollars and so I used the other half of the card on a small white chest of drawers that Ethan promised he’d put together for me. It was cheap particle board but better than the nothing I had.

  Ethan let me pick the shower curtain and matching bathroom rugs and towels but only on the condition that he would let me pay him back with my first real paycheck. We were back in the apartment, pizza had been ordered and Reaver and Andy had gone on a beer run. I had asked Reaver his real name once upon a time, oh say, four days ago but he had refused to tell me.

  “Why?” I’d asked him.

  “Because I hate it and you wouldn’t call me Reaver anymore.” I’d conceded the point but still, he didn’t look like a Reaver to me. I didn’t know what he looked like, honestly, but Reaver wasn’t it.

  Chandra and Doc had been gone when Ethan and I had gotten back from the store and Derek was alone in the apartment, kicked back on the couch, one foot propped on the simple black rectangle that was the co
ffee table. Ethan picked up the heel of Derek’s white and blue Adidas on the way by and dropped it to the carpet.

  “Really?” Derek asked.

  “Yeah. Really.” Ethan had said. I went for the bathroom with the bag containing the shower curtain.

  “Just as anal as when you were in the corps…” I heard Derek mutter and I paused, looking at them both. Ethan was frowning.

  “Can one of you help me with this?” I murmured to break the tension.

  “Yeah what are you doing?” Derek asked.

  “Hanging the shower curtain.” I held up the bag with the supplies.

  He went into the bathroom and Ethan went his own way. I handed Derek the rings to put on the rod and fluffed out the liner, matching it up with the curtain which was a minty green.

  “Not bad.” He commented.

  “Well its Ethan’s space too.” I murmured.

  “You ever get above a whisper?” he asked, clipping the curtain in place.

  “Only when I’m singing.” I answered.

  “Excuse me what?” he stopped mid-motion. I blinked up at him suddenly afraid to repeat myself. He saved me by saying,

  “Did you just say ‘Only when I’m screaming’?” he asked.

  “Oh no I said singing… but uh that too.” I blushed furiously. He grinned.

  “Trigger been getting you pretty loud?” He asked grinning and I blinked up at him and shock must have registered on my face.

  “Sorry none of my business.” He said.

  “Uh… no… We aren’t… Uh…” I was speechless.

  “Hey sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

  “My husband hasn’t touched me except to correct me in two years I’m not even sure I remember how sex works when I get to be a willing participant.” I shrugged a shoulder indelicately and handed him the next opening in the shower curtain.

  “What the fuck?” I heard from the open doorway and shame erupted under my skin, prickling in a fiery pink tirade from my chest to the roots of my hair.

  Ethan was scowling at me and I felt tears spring to my eyes.

  “Oh hey no, Sunshine not mad at you,” he captured my wrist and pulled me into a protective hug. “You on the other hand, what the fuck man?” he asked Derek, frowning.

  “Dude! I didn’t ask!” he put up his hands.

  “He didn’t.” I said, voice muffled by Ethan’s shirt, “It just sort of came out. I’m sorry!” Ethan sighed.

  “It’s okay Babe, how many times I gotta tell you, stop apologizing? There’s nothing to apologize for.” He gave me a squeeze and let me go.

  “This moment of awkward brought to you by the letter ‘D’.” Derek said and I smiled. Sesame Street had been a favorite growing up.

  “’D’ for Derek?” I asked. He shrugged.

  “I was thinking more ‘D’ for douchebag.” He admitted. Ethan laughed.

  “That fits too.” He said. Derek frowned.

  “I meant her ex.” He clarified.

  “I didn’t.” Ethan said and walked away. I handed Derek another part of the shower curtain so he wouldn’t go after Ethan. He looked me over for a minute before taking it.

  “Thanks.” I whispered.

  “No problem. I’ll get his ass later.” He frowned and I laughed.

  Reaver and Andy came back about thirty minutes later, fifteen minutes after that there was a knock at the door.

  “Pizza!” Andy cried clapping his hands together and rubbing them briskly. Ethan got the door and I rooted through the kitchen for a roll of paper towels.

  Ethan put the two boxes on the table and Reaver opened beers. I came around with paper towels and the guys took seats around the table. Ethan pulled me onto his lap. I didn’t protest and no one said anything. Everyone helped themselves using two or three paper towels as plates. I smiled and took a bite. Reaver reached down next to him and pulled up a bottle unlike the beer bottles in front of the guys and twisted off the top.

  “Figured beer wasn’t your thing but you’re drinking.” He commented and handed me a wine cooler. I laughed.

  “You were right and thanks.” I clinked bottles with him and took a drink of the sweet alcoholic drink.

  “Good?” he asked. I smiled.

  “Haven’t had one of these since college.” I said.

  “Jesus, what did that prick let you have?” Derek asked.

  “The occasional glass of wine. Only in public and only on special occasions.” I shrugged. The table got quiet as they processed the information.

  “What made you happy?” Reaver asked.

  “Not a lot.” I answered honestly. I thought about it.

  “Cooking. Mostly because that reminded me of Mrs. Tucker, singing if Chadwick wasn’t in the house to hear me.” Andy frowned.

  “Why do you call him Chadwick?” he asked.

  “He didn’t like Chad. Chad was a mongrel’s name… He comes from a family of pedigree and shortening his name like a commoner simply would not do.” Choked laughter greeted that response.

  “Sing us something.” Derek said and I blinked.

  “I… I don’t know…” I said.

  “C’mon please?” Andy said.

  “Yeah, sing us something.” Reaver put in.

  “Why?” I asked.

  “I want to hear something above a whisper come out of you.” Derek said and crossed his arms. I looked at Ethan, his arm around my waist tightened.

  “Just not that song you were singing in the kitchen.” He said to me and his silver eyes clouded… Okay, so no help there. I chewed my lip.

  “Don’t you fret, M’sieur Marius… I don’t feel any pain. A little fall of rain, can hardly hurt me now…You’re here, that’s all I need to know. And you will keep me safe! And you will keep me close! And rain will make the flowers grow.” I looked at Andy and he grinned and helped me out. Singing Marius’ lines.

  “But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above... If I could close your wounds with words of love...” the guys looked at him surprised.

  I looked at Ethan and closed my eyes, voice stronger and sang,

  “Just hold me now and let it be… Shelter me, comfort me.”

  Andy picked up, “You would live, a hundred years if I could show you how. I won't desert you now...”

  I cut in, “The rain can't hurt me now. This rain will wash away what's past. And you will keep me safe! And you will keep me close! I'll sleep in your embrace at last, the rain that brings you here is Heaven-blessed! The skies begin to clear and I'm at rest. A breath away from where you are I've come home from so far…”

  “You want to finish it?” Andy asked and I nodded, and he sang the next line and we sang Eponine’s death together and I smiled because right then I was singing the death of my old life with Chadwick and welcoming a new life full of new friends. Ethan was watching me, his hand where it rested on the top pf my thigh, massaging.

  I sang out the last of the piece with Andy and as the last note died silence over took the small apartment.

  “Wow.” Derek said, breaking the spell. He cleared his throat and took a drink of his beer.

  “Powerful stuff. What was that?” Reaver asked.

  “A Little Fall of Rain from Les Miserables.” I said, “It’s the part where Eponine who is in love with Marius dies after being shot.”

  “Dude, sucks for Marius.” Derek said. I shook my head.

  “No, Marius is in love with Cosette. Was completely blind to what Eponine felt for him.” I ate a bite of lukewarm pizza.

  “Marius was a dumbass.” Ethan grunted.

  “Maybe so but he marries Cosette, who was hot…” Andy said and I laughed.

  “Your sister huh?” I asked.

  “Maybe I was a choir kid too.” He said grinning around a mouthful of pizza, “Don’t tell anyone.” He said after swallowing.

  “As long as you’ll be my Marius or Jean Valjean from time to time.” I said.

  “Deal.” He held out his fist and I reached across the table and bumped it with
my own.

  “Nerd love is such sweet love.” Derek commented dryly.

  “Very funny. While you were out on the football field I was cozying up with some hot chicks. Who’s the bitch now?” Andy asked.

  “He’s got you there man.” Ethan grunted. I slid off his lap shaking my head.

  “Don’t you ever sing anything happy?” he asked me and I cleaned up my mess.

  “I don’t know, is there anything happy in Les Mis or Phantom?” I asked Andy. He grinned…

  “That’s a negative ghost rider!” he said.

  “Masquerade, but that one’s just too campy to sing acapella.” I said.

  “Aca-what?” Reaver asked.

  “She means singing without the benefit of music.” Andy said.

  “Oh.”

  “What did you want to be when you grew up?” Ethan asked me suddenly.

  “A singer.” I said simply.

  “Why?” Derek asked.

  “My mom. She loved all things musical. Was a music teacher but I wanted to be on Broadway.”

  “Ever see one?” Andy asked.

  I pursed my lips. “Les Mis, in concert. Chadwick took me when we were dating in college. Before I became his dutiful housewife.” I threw the soiled paper towels away in a stray grocery bag in the kitchen.

  “Feel like kicking his balls in so he can’t reproduce.” Derek grumbled and I missed the grocery bag completely and dropped the bottle I was holding. It crashed against the kitchen floor and I knelt to pick it up. Ethan came around and knelt down with me.

  “I’m sorry.” I said hastily.

  “Don’t apologize.” He said gently and helped me pick up the large shards of glass, at least it hadn’t shattered.

  We deposited the glass into the plastic sack and I sighed.

  “Enough diving into Ashton’s past for one night.” Ethan declared and bottles were raised in salute.

  “I’m going to take a shower if that’s all right with everyone.” I said.

  “Yeah, sure, why wouldn’t it be?” Ethan scowled.