Shattered & Scarred: The Sacred Hearts MC

by A. J. Downey

  “I love you.” The words were out of my mouth before I even realized I intended to speak them. I was seized by a momentary panic that I may have just committed an irreparable wrong. Her voice came almost immediately, soft and lilting…

  “I love you too.”

  She drew back to look at me and I could see the mirror image of my feelings for her in her beautiful golden eyes. I relaxed, not one hundred percent sure what this meant in the grand scheme of things but one thousand percent sure that we would make it work somehow.

  I’d promised her that when I finally did take her body that I’d love her and I was as good as my word. Complicated or not, some things were pretty simple and that was one of ‘em. I kissed the crown of her head and stroked lazy circles on her back and she sighed in contentment.

  “I gotta get up Babe.” I whispered and she whimpered in protest but moved for me. I reached down between us and held the condom in place as she slipped off of me. Holy god that felt good. She collapsed beside me equal parts sated and exhausted and I smiled. I stripped off the rubber and ditched it in the small trashcan by the bed.

  “Stay here.” I whispered and went out to the bathroom, Ashton’s hysterical giggle following my naked ass out into the hall.

  “Woah hey! What the fuck man!?” Data called as I went past him and some club chick he had backed against the wall, hand up her shirt.

  “Just passin’ through Brother.” I went into the bathroom and shut the door but not before spying Ashton, sheet clutched to her chest, eyes bright, hair mussed in that freshly fucked look that I just put on her dissolving into high, musical hysterical laughter.

  I grinned and turned on the tap, waiting until the water was gently steaming. I wet a washcloth and wrung it out and went back to clean up my girl.

  “The fuck Trigger!? Put some damned pants on!” Someone protested…

  “Like a damned tater tot in yellow Easter grass…” Dragon grumbled and I guffawed, slamming my bedroom door behind me. Ashton grinned impishly up at me from the middle of my bed. I got in beside her and lovingly washed her down with the warm damp cloth. She sighed and squirmed and I nipped her shoulder.

  We settled beneath the sheets and I lovingly cradled her against my side. She lay with her head on my shoulder, eyes closed and I kissed her forehead. Neither of us said anything but finally she ventured with…

  “Did it hurt a lot?” her fingertips played along the top of my right thigh and I knew what she was thinking about.

  “Yeah. Bullet lodged in the bone, had to have surgery to get it out.” I sniffed and cleared my throat but didn’t say anything more. A couple inches higher and I would have been shot in the ass, I really wished it had gone that way. May have hurt less and I may have been able to do more, go back out again before the end of my tour had come up. It had been my third but man, getting shot once had been enough for me. A few of the guys in my unit didn’t come back at all.

  It was their screams that echoed in my brain. The haunted eyes of their loved ones that haunted my dreams. I closed my eyes and Ashton snuggled closer, kissing my chest where she could reach it with her lips. She was like a balm to my scarred soul in so many ways.

  We fell asleep like that and I don’t think we moved at all because we woke that way in the morning, light streaming in from the high window through the slats of the blinds. I smiled down at her where she rested completely comfortably on my chest. I liked waking up with her in my arms so I made note of what I needed to do to wear her out to keep her there.

  She was a bit of a mess and in need of a shower, her eye makeup smudged in deep dark circles under her eyes. I kissed her forehead and the movement shifted her enough that she jolted softly awake, golden eyes flickering open to meet my own. She smiled lazily and the ember of her fire stoked to life.

  “How you feel?” I asked her.

  “Mmm good.” She smiled like the fucking Cheshire cat and I rolled her on her back. Ruined make up or not she was fucking beautiful. I reached into the drawer and pulled out another condom and she reached her arms up.

  She was ready for round two. Fuck yeah.

  I kissed every supple inch of her small body until her arousal perfumed the air and her lips parted to beg and then I took her, making love to her until neither one of us could stand it anymore and we dissolved into a sweating, panting mess that you couldn’t discern where one of us began and the other ended. Then I took my girl in to shower with her and loved her with my hands and my mouth under a hot shower spray. I couldn’t get enough of her, I wasn’t really sure I ever would and it looked like the feeling was mutual.

  I left her in the kitchen making breakfast for the masses when Dragon beckoned me into the Chapel.

  “Yeah man?” I asked.

  “You good to go on this run brother?” he asked me plainly.

  “Yeah! Yeah! I’m good. I got Ashton all squared away. Why?” I asked. Dragon’s dark eyes roamed my face and he chewed the inside of his grizzled cheek considering.

  “Just never seen you this… happy…” he said finally. I grinned and looked out the Chapel door where Ashton stood in my tee shirt serving up Reaver coffee, the tart he picked up last night on his knee. She laughed at something he said.

  “She’s something Pres.” I told him, eyes never leaving her.

  “Yeah. I remember lookin’ at Tilly like that.” I sobered and sighed. This run we had coming up was to disrupt a heroine supply chain coming up through one of the North East chapters. We were trying to get other chapters of the MC to go legit, leave the illegal shit behind and it wasn’t going well.

  Once men got a taste of the money… the power… well that was kind of it. A couple of the chapters had listened and turned a new leaf like ours, the old timers like Dragon, running them having lost enough in their own lives to see the benefit, the gain, of going legit. Some of them though, were a different story. Either too headstrong or too ingrained or too corrupt to save. None of them had figured out that our branch of the MC was going so far as to actively disrupt distribution yet. It was a risky game we played. Dangerous not only for us but for the people out there that we cared about. People like Ashton that had no idea what we were capable of.

  We were drawing down to that moment with the North Eastern chapter where we were going to have to consider doing some very bad fucking things in order to serve the greater good. We all knew it. I huffed out a sigh.

  “I’m good for the run man.” I said, turning back to him. He nodded.

  “We got to cut and run, we’ll do it, anything happens out there or here at home but I hate like hell the thought of that poison reaching its destination. Gettin’ in the hands of some kid.” He clapped me on the shoulder.

  “Yeah man I know what’s at stake.” I said, and I did. All too well. I’d gotten hooked on that shit for a time when I got back stateside in an attempt to dull the pain, the memories of over there. Reaver was on it and that’s how we hooked up. We both went through hell getting off of it. It’s what cemented our Brotherhood. He’d been on it a lot worse than I had. It had taken longer for him to kick the habit and he’d lost a lot more than me because of it. I looked across the club house at Ashton.

  There was a lot that she didn’t know about me. A lot of skeletons in my closet that she needed to know about. I raked a hand through my hair and hoped like hell when they all came out that she would still love me because the thought of losing her now kind of killed me. Her golden gaze swept across the room and caught mine and her whole face lit up with a smile. I pressed my lips together but couldn’t help the answering smile of my own. God damn she was beautiful.

  Dragon made a noise like something was confirmed and I looked at him.

  “One day someone walks into your life and makes you realize why it didn’t work with anyone else.” He grunted. “Tilly was like that for me. I think Ashton is like that for you.” He said.

  “Old man, why the fuck you gotta be so insightful?” I asked, he put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed and smile
d into my eyes and socked me in the gut.

  I doubled over and wheezed, the wind knocked clean out of me. Ashton was coming around the bar but Reaver caught her arm holding her back. Dragon bent and looked me in the eye. “How’s that for an old man?” he asked dark eyes sparkling with way too much happy.

  “You still got it.” My voice strained out on another wheeze and he chuckled, slapping me on the back and waltzed out of the room whistling. Reaver let Ashton go and she strode across the room to me.

  “Are you all right?” she asked gently, voice tinged with concern.

  “Yeah. That’s what I get for being mouthy.” I grinned rakishly at her and straightened, tucking her beneath my arm.

  “Boys are stupid.” She said frowning and her proclamation was met with laughter and a few chuckles. I dropped into a seat at a table.

  “Won’t argue with you there.” I said.

  She kissed me lightly and went back to feeding people, setting a plate of sausage and eggs in front of me. I let her do her thing because it obviously made her happy. I gave her warning when we had to get ready to go and some of the other women pitched in to help.

  Ashton got dressed in record time and so did I and we headed straight for the shop in the clothes we’d had on the night before. Wasn’t like we had worn ‘em all that long to warrant going home and changing. I had a full day of one piece and it was promising to be grueling.

  “You good Babe?” I asked her as she settled behind her desk, her jacket hanging from the back of her chair.

  “Yes.” She intoned, smiling softly, that lush bottom lip of hers clasped between her teeth.

  I nodded and took my customer back to my station.

  “She your girl?” he asked me.

  “Yeah.” I told him quietly, “She’s my girl.” I was worried she would take it the wrong way but I think she heard, her head bowed and a sigh of contentment slipped from her, a light blush painting her cheeks. It wasn’t the reaction I expected to the possessive comment… but it elated me just the same.

  Chapter 16

  Ashton…

  I missed him, but this was his life before I had come into it. So I had done the only thing I could do. I had kissed him on Sunday morning, pouring all the love and happiness that I could into his mouth and let him drink it down. He’d climbed onto his bike, swore we would go cell phone shopping when he got back and had ridden away.

  Andy had kept me busy the rest of the day. We’d gone to a check cashing place and cashed my paycheck on Saturday during our lunch break. I had set aside my portion of the rent and then we had gone shopping with a little bit of the extra Zander had given me for his tattoo. It still baffled me why he wanted my face permanently inked under his skin but to each their own.

  Monday I had spent at home unpacking, my thoughts drifting to Ethan’s and my time spent making love. I had come across Ethan’s medals and put them carefully in the bottom back corner of his closet where he had requested they go. He said he didn’t feel like a hero, but he didn’t have it in him to dishonor the honor done to him by getting rid of his purple heart and what have you. He’d shown me photographs of his unit and of his earlier days in the MC.

  He was careful not to speak on his ex, just said that it hadn’t worked out. I knew about her, that she’d cheated, hadn’t stood by him no matter how hard he’d tried to get better. Zander told me. Ethan made my heart swell with love and pride and I’d fallen in love with him just that much more that he wouldn’t bad mouth her even if it was the truth.

  I’d shared a little more of my pain with him. He’d asked why Chadwick and I hadn’t any children. I told him that I’d gotten pregnant by him in college… Chadwick had said he wasn’t ready for children and had talked me into an abortion. I’d fallen prey to an opportunistic infection even though he’d taken me to a reputable clinic, and… well… The doctor had told me adoption would always be an option to me.

  I sighed.

  It was warm out today and I checked my make up in the mirror; then checked to make sure I looked good in my jeans and tank top. The jeans were mine from before but the tank top was new. It was black and ribbed and fit like a second skin. It had an anchor and roses silk screened on the front along my hip, angled across my stomach, the rose vines crawling up the anchor and my ribs. Andy had called the design old school and said it looked good.

  I had smiled and agreed to buy it from the second hand store we were in as it was only .99 cents. A knock sounded at the front door and I almost skipped in my new black and white Chuck Taylor’s to the door. I pulled it open and where I expected lanky tattooed and grinning Andy two men in suits, one in gray and one in blue, stood.

  My face fell and dread crept across my heart.

  “Yes?” I said quietly.

  “Ashton Granger?” one of them asked, the one in gray… he was looking at a spiral notepad in his hands, the kind with the black leather cover you see police detectives carry on TV. My heart seized in my chest.

  “Yes.” I stated and my voice sounded funny.

  “I’m detective Rodgers and this is Detective Lawrence.” He flashed a silver official police badge at me and I blinked.

  “What is this about?” I asked carefully.

  “Does an Ethan Howard live here with you ma’am?” the man in the blue suit… Detective Lawrence asked me.

  “Yes.” I said, I felt hot and clammy, my heart fluttered in my chest as a bubble of panic rose.

  “We’re sorry to have to make the notification ma’am but there was an accident out on the interstate the next state over…”

  “No.” I said. No, this wasn’t happening. My eyes filled with tears.

  “Ma’am Ethan Howard has died.” The detective said and I crumpled to my knees as the whole world tilted violently on its axis.

  “Ma’am is there someone we can call for you?” the detective asked.

  “No…” I said, denial forcing its way out of my mouth. This wasn’t happening.

  “Very well ma’am, again, we’re sorry for your loss…” The detective in gray said and they left. They left me sitting in my open doorway, hot tears spilling down my face. A high keening sound filled the upstairs landing outside my apartment door and I wanted to slam the door and shut it out.

  Footsteps on the stairs, Andy came into view. I wanted the keening noise to stop. I looked at him with horror painted all over my face, silently begging him to make it stop.

  “Ashton.” He knelt down and pulled me into his arms and the keening got louder.

  “Ashton what’s the matter!? Baby tell me what’s wrong!?” he held me at arm’s length and the keening turned to screaming as I felt myself break into two. Andy’s mouth was moving but I couldn’t make out what he was saying as awful noises tore out of me. He had his phone out and was dialing.

  “Ashton what’s wrong!?” he demanded and shook me hard by my shoulders and my grief filled mind pushed it out of my mouth in a torrent of sobs.

  “Ethan’s dead!” and my whole safe world collapsed in a pile of burning timber around me.

  Doc came, so did Chandra… Reaver, Dragon and Dray were out on the run with Ethan and I remember wondering if they were okay or if they were dead too before Doc jammed a needle in my arm. Finally that god awful keening stopped and as my eyed drooped and I was lifted, I prayed that whatever was in the shot would kill me too because I’d finally found my other half and I never wanted to live without him again.

  Chapter 17

  Trig…

  “Yo Trig!” Reaver yelled from the gas station’s minimart. My head snapped up. He sounded equal parts pissed, scared and panicked.

  “What!?” I yelled back. Dray and Dragon were behind him inside, heads together over Reaver’s phone listening and barking the occasional demand into it while I pumped my gas.

  “Trouble on the home front brother! Where’s your phone!?” I frowned and pulled my phone out of my cut.

  Thirty-two missed calls! What the fuck over!?

  “What the fuck
is going on?” Panic seized my nads in a vice.

  The three of them trouped across the cracked cement moving as one, all black leather and thunderous looks, anger radiating off of them like heat lighting ready to strike.

  “We’re scrapping goin’ to the way point. Ride all night if we have to.” Dragon said.

  Ashton…

  “What happened, what the fuck did that prick do to her!?” I demanded.

  “Sent people dressed like cops to your place. Told her you were dead.” I blinked at the sheer audacity and just plain manipulative dirty mind fuck of it.

  I stared at the numbers racing in circles on the pump’s read out. They weren’t racing fast enough. Ashton was hurt, I could see it in all of their faces, that whatever damage the lie had done it had done it but good. I did the breathing exercises they taught us in the corps and finally the pump kicked in my hand. I thrust it back onto the dock and screwed on the gas lid, wrenching it savagely tight.

  I got on and kicked my baby to life. My brothers flanked me as we took formation and wound back onto the highway going the opposite direction back towards home. We’d ride all night if we had to… just as Dragon had said.

  I had my Pres., my VP and my brother’s backing and blessing but I still felt torn and like shit in two equal directions. On one side for leaving Ashton alone knowing her prick of a soon to be ex-husband was a sadistic mother fucker, and the other for selfishly scrapping the last part this run, even though we successfully did what needed doing and had the cargo with us.

  Ashton was my only objective now. I didn’t know why or how or when in the short time we’d known each other that these feelings took root and started to grow but I learned a long time ago sometimes you didn’t question these things. You just looked to the open road in front of you and dealt with the hazards and changes in the road conditions as they came up.

  We had a long ride ahead of us and maddeningly had to watch our speed and keep it inside the limit. Dragon was taking the risk this time and none of us were interested in doing the amount of time the amount of drugs we had on us would bring down.