Tumult

by Lea Hart

  He needed at least one more day before he was going to be ready to let her go, and he wasn’t sure if she felt the same way. Scratch that, he knew she wasn’t even close.

  Not that their physical activities would indicate she wasn’t interested. Hell, no, they’d been at one another from the moment they finished their showers and it was as mind-blowing as it had been before, but he could tell she was holding back.

  Like she was trying to keep her emotional distance and only let the physical pleasure in. The fact that he had to tell her to open her eyes a bunch of times certainly told him that she wasn’t interested in bonding with him any more than she already had, and he couldn’t blame her.

  Hell, up until her, he’d never been interested in any sort of attachment that lasted beyond the date itself. But shit had changed, and Audrey was the one responsible.

  Should he ignore it and move on like she was going to do?

  Or should he come up with a plan that would allow them to explore what it was they had going on?

  The fact that they lived on opposite coasts certainly was going to make it challenging, but it wasn’t like they couldn’t manage it if they were both motivated. His travel schedule alone would allow him to be in New York at least every six weeks, if not four. He could simply change planes there as opposed to Chicago or Dallas when he went overseas. Not that complicated.

  The elevator doors slid open and he stepped on and gave himself a pat on the back for coming up with something so quickly. He pushed the button for their floor and allowed some of the anxiety that had been crawling up his back to slide away. If he could talk Audrey into it, then he was going to be golden.

  A long-distance relationship might be ideal in light of how crazy his travel schedule was, and considering the fact he had no experience with relationships, this could allow him to learn on the job, so to speak. Not too much everyday contact, but enough so he wouldn’t go crazy. A girlfriend he didn’t have to keep happy every day but could enjoy when his schedule permitted.

  Letting the picture roll around in his mind, he realized what he was considering was nothing more than a glorified fuck-buddy. And Audrey certainly wasn’t that.

  No, she was the real deal and deserved nothing less than the very best a man had to offer. Could he be that guy?

  More importantly, did he want to become that guy?

  Forming a new picture, he thought about the two of them spending their days together on a regular basis and immediately felt something warm bloom in his chest. Something he’d never experienced before.

  Leaning against the back of the elevator, he let the concept unfurl and decided he liked it. All they had to do was live closer than twenty-seven hundred miles and they could figure it out. Maybe she’d be open to relocating to San Diego. Remembering a comment she’d made when they first met about possibly relocating to the West Coast let him know it might not be as hard as he imagined.

  If she moved to California, they could date and get to know one another, and that’s exactly what they needed. Now, all he had to do was talk her into it.

  The elevator doors opened and he walked out into the hall and headed toward their room and knew it was going to be challenging, but not impossible.

  ***

  Carrick watched Audrey hold her cup of coffee and laugh hysterically. The fact that the sheet kept slipping down her body was the only consolation he had that she thought his idea was ridiculous. “Let me know when you’re done.”

  She took in several deep breaths and tried to stop, but then would start again. “If you think my idea is so funny, why don’t you come up with one of your own?”

  Lifting the sheet to her face, she wiped her eyes. “Carrick, you and I both know that we’re not meant for anything long-term.”

  “Speak for yourself, Audrey, because I know no such thing. The fact that we’re so different is what’s going to make things interesting, add to that the explosive chemistry we’ve got and the connection we’ve already built and we’re more than halfway to a very happy future.”

  Setting her coffee cup down, she took his hand. “I have no interest in a long-distance relationship and I’ve got no immediate plans to move to California, so that’s about all that is available to us.”

  Moving closer, he lifted her up and pulled her into his lap. “I’ll take a long-distance thing if that’s what possible right now. The feelings I’ve got have never happened before and I’m not going to ignore them simply because they’re inconvenient and don’t make sense. Maybe this is a regular thing for you and that’s why you’re being so dismissive.” Feeling her tense up let him know the statement made her angry and, though he didn’t want her upset, at least it was an indication that this was as new to her as it was to him.

  Which meant they had a chance.

  No one threw away something that held the possibility of making them happy for the rest of their lives.

  At least he didn’t think so.

  “Come on, Audrey, instead of thinking of all the reasons why it wouldn’t work, let’s think of all the reasons it could.”

  She leaned back and looked up into his face. “Where is the man I met in San Diego?”

  “I’m right here, and spending the short amount of time that we’ve had has changed my perspective on a few things.”

  “I can see that because instead of being a pessimist with a cranky personality, you’re acting like an optimist who has more than a bit of charm.”

  Running his hand over her back, he shrugged. “Apparently, I’m no different than any other man who has been changed by the affection of a good woman.” When her hand moved up his T-shirt and her fingers pushed against his chest, he prayed his sentimental words were starting to break her defenses. The other thing that might help was if he could get her to kiss him.

  There were a lot of arguments a person could mount when faced with something they wanted to resist, but kissing usually made them fall to pieces. You could lie about a lot of things, but how your body reacted wasn’t one of them.

  Resting his chin on her head, he held her against him and decided to say one final thing. “Just know that one percent of you is better than one hundred percent of anyone else, and I’m not giving up.”

  When he felt all the resistance in her body disappear, he decided not to say anything else on the subject. After all, she was a hell of an attorney and anything he came up with she could counter, so the best thing he could do was change the subject. “The trip was abbreviated, but do you feel like you have enough to work with?”

  “I think so. The fact that I was able to speak with a variety of people will help when I actually sit down and begin writing. Even what happened in Raqqa is going to help with the process because it wiped away whatever idealized illusions I was holding onto. I know that revolutions have no clear beginning and end, but for some reason, I thought driving ISIS out of Raqqa would provide a definitive turning point.”

  “One thing I’ve learned over the last ten years is there’s no end to the revolution, no matter who’s involved. All you can do every day is make whatever effort you can to be on the side of right. However that manifests itself in your life.”

  “I know that intellectually, but seeing the women from the YPJ made me realize that sometimes you don’t need a grand purpose driving your life, you just need one that burns in your gut. Gives you the fire to make whatever effort you can in service to it. If a rational person stood back and looked at the Kurds and their chances of vanquishing ISIS from their homelands, they would probably say absolutely not. No way could such a small number of poorly equipped people succeed against a group with a billion dollar budget and access to a limitless supply of jihadists.

  “But the Kurds did ask a rational person, they banded together and succeeded in freeing their homeland from invaders.”

  “They had a little help from the coalition forces, too.”

  “Absolutely, but what is essentially a light infantry went out every day and fought for their towns street
by street. Hearing those women speak about the battles they’d been in with such passion and fervor made me a little jealous.”

  “In what way?”

  “I’ve been looking for my purpose since I graduated law school. At first, I thought it was going to happen at the law firm, and then when I discovered I was pretty much a money-making machine for the firm, I went to help refugees, and now I’m writing a book about YPJ in the hope that it inspires someone to go after what they believe. I don’t want to be a person who bounces from thing to thing, looking for something that doesn’t exist.”

  “Not everyone gets one cause in their life or one reason to do what they do. Some spread their talent around and whatever they end up with at the end of their life is a mosaic of all their good intentions. Or bad ones.”

  “But I want just the one thing because it would be so much easier.”

  Laying back on the bed, he took her with him and then rolled over so they were facing each other. “I don’t think a woman like you gets easy. Use that big brain of yours and let as much stuff in as possible and see where it takes you.”

  “I’m more of a planner and less of a go with the flow type of person, so what you’re suggesting doesn’t make me real comfortable.”

  “Yeah, but it’s what you’ve been doing anyway. Now, all you have to do is accept and start to enjoy the ride.”

  “That’s very Zen of you, Carrick.” She ran her hand over his face and smiled. “The big-bad warrior has a little Buddha in him after all.”

  “I don’t know what you just said, but if it makes you like me, then I’ll be as Buddha as I can be.”

  “Why do you want to try and keep seeing each other? You’re not a relationship guy and it doesn’t make any sense to try and keep this thing going.”

  “All I know is that I’m not willing for this to be the end of us. I’m not sure what I’m asking you for because I don’t know what the future holds. Not tomorrow or next week, but one thing I’m damn sure of is that no matter where I am, what I feel, or who I become, it will always begin and end with you.”

  Seeing tears gather in the corners of her eyes, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her head. “Just tell me you will leave the door open and see what we come up with.”

  When she buried her face in his chest and nodded, he let out a breath. “See, that wasn’t so hard.”

  “I might be the biggest idiot in the world, but I can’t seem to refuse you anything.”

  “That right there is the best answer in the world because I feel the same way about you.” As they lay together, Carrick knew that he’d do whatever was necessary to give them a chance.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Tuesday, November 21

  New York City

  Audrey walked into the Tasty Dumpling, grabbed a table, and considered herself lucky that she’d been stuck in court until after the lunch rush. The small restaurant close to the courthouse was one of her favorites and she was looking forward to spending the next hour with Kelly and decompressing.

  The trial she’d been involved with for the last two weeks was tedious due to all the expert witnesses she and the other attorney had been calling, and while she felt she had a decent chance of winning, she couldn’t be completely sure.

  Taking off her coat, she slung it over the back of her chair and settled herself at the small table. The warm, steamy interior of the restaurant made her realize how long it had been since she’d had dim sum and she was looking forward to the meal.

  Hearing Kelly’s voice, she looked up and saw her friend approach and waved. “Thanks for coming down here to meet me for lunch.”

  Kelly slid her cape off and collapsed into a chair. “I swear, I must love you something fierce to come down here in the middle of the day.”

  “I know, and I appreciate it. I’m going to be stuck in court for the rest of the month and this is the only time of day that I can see you.”

  The waiter approached and Kelly rattled off their usual order and then turned back to Audrey and rested her face on her hand. “You look tired.”

  “Thank you.” She smoothed down her hair and then crossed her legs. “If I’m not in court, then I’m writing, and all my usual beauty rituals have gone by the wayside.”

  “What about the nightmares, are they still a regular thing?”

  Moving her hair off her shoulder, she nodded. “At least one a night since I got home.”

  “Have you talked it over with Carrick?”

  “Absolutely not.” Laying her hands on the table, she studied her nail polish. “I thank God that I didn’t fall apart until I got home. There is no way he needs to know that I’m having difficulty processing the day in Raqqa.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense because he could probably offer you some advice on how to process the experience.”

  “I don’t want him to worry and fuss at me.”

  “Denial is only going to make it worse and if you won’t talk it over with Carrick, then I’m making an appointment for you with my shrink.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Please do because the last thing you need to do is let this thing fester.”

  “I know. On a happy note, my writing is going well, and I’m almost done with the first draft. It’s been three weeks since I got home and some of the initial impressions are already starting to disappear, so I’m glad I powered through it while they were still fresh.”

  “What about Carrick, is he still fresh in your mind or has his allure begun to disappear as well?”

  A pot of hot tea was delivered to their table along with an order of dumplings. “I wonder which one this is?”

  Kelly shook her head as she poured them each a cup of tea. “The fact that you’re evading the question tells me he’s still got ahold of you and you have no idea what to do.”

  Picking up her chopsticks, she rubbed them together and pretended that getting rid of any slivers was of the utmost importance. When they were as smooth as silk, she picked up a dumpling and shoved into her mouth. Seeing Kelly’s smirk told her that putting her off wasn’t going to work for long.

  “You haven’t said much about what happened between you two, and that leads me to believe it meant more than you thought it would. Keeping mum on the subject will not lessen its importance and make it magically disappear.”

  Wiping her mouth, she leaned forward and smirked. “I don’t need to say a thing because you have it all figured out.”

  Kelly picked up a dumpling and pointed it at her. “Is he really that bad or are you just scared out of your mind?”

  Sighing, she lifted her cup of tea and took a sip. “He’s actually completely amazing and that’s the problem. I thought we’d just end up having a short, torrid affair and that would be the end of it, but he won’t let it go. Every night, he calls, texts, or facetimes to check in. He hasn’t missed a day since we parted in Ankara, and that included the week he spent in Malta.”

  “He was in Malta?”

  “Yes, and I have no idea why; he said I didn’t have the clearance, so as far as I know, he could’ve been doing just about anything.”

  “Who goes to Malta?”

  “The CIA, PMCs, and a lot of shady figures.”

  “But he called you.”

  “Yes, every night.”

  “Have you guys…”

  “If you think I’m going to divulge what has happened with us intimately, then you are out of your ever-loving mind.”

  “Which answers my question. My very proper friend is having phone sex with her hot boyfriend and doesn’t want to admit it.”

  The waiter delivered another plate and gave them both a strange look before he departed. “Thank you for sharing that with everyone in the restaurant.”

  Kelly looked around and shrugged. “Meh, they couldn’t be less interested.”

  Scooping up some of the spicy cucumber salad, she ate it and wondered if what they had done the other day would constitute phone sex. They had been facetimi
ng, so she thought it was probably called something else. Feeling her face heat from the memory, she cleared her throat and wondered why Carrick was so adept at making her lose her inhibitions. It was like he had the key to her sanity and could unlock her hidden desires with just a slight flick of his wrist.

  “So, when are you two going to see one another again?”

  “We don’t have any immediate plans to get together. I’m busy with the case and writing and he’s been traveling almost constantly. He has suggested that I come and visit him when I’m done, but I don’t know.”