Hand-Me-Down Love

by Ransom, Jennifer

  June 12, 2005

  Dear Diary,

  I met the co-workers for drinks after work. My first week and I can’t even remember a time that I’ve been this uninterested. The only thing that kept me going was Sean dropping in. He acted like he had some reason to be there in my department, but he didn’t. I knew why he was dropping in. So when Janice asked me to go to the bar after work, I asked who would be there. She said Mark and Carol and maybe Sean. That was enough for me. I had to get me some of that! LOL! And I got me some of that, Diary. I really did. It was funny. Sean thought I didn’t know he had the hots for me, but it was sooooo obvious. I finally got him on the dance floor and we spent the rest of the night together. I did feel a little bad when he found out who my dad is, but that was fun too. He sprayed his drink all over me. Normally, that would really turn me off, but he was cute when he did it. And then, Diary, I took him home and had my way with him. LOL.

  July 15, 2005

  Dear Diary,

  Have I told you what a pain in the ass it is to write in this diary? I am a person of the twenty-first century and writing with my hand can be a big pain. But it’s also kinda comforting, to write the words out longhand. It makes everything more real somehow. Anyway, Diary, I’ve been seeing Sean every single night and weekend since we first got together. I see him at work and then I see him after work. I can’t get enough of him!

  So, I took him home for the Fourth. That was weird since my father is his boss. But it went okay. My mother put him in Marla’s old room for the night, but I went in and got him and took him back to my room. We fell asleep but the bells woke us up. Sean had never been to a jubilee. He had no idea what it was. But I dragged him out of bed and we drove down to the bay with our buckets. Sean thought it was the weirdest thing. It was hilarious. I think I love him, Diary. I’m pretty sure that I love Sean O’Connell.

  November 26, 2005

  Dear Diary,

  We announced our engagement after Thanksgiving dinner at my parents. My mother cried, of course. My father shook Sean’s hand and said welcome to the family or something like that. Marla hugged him and me. I love Sean so much. I never thought I could ever be in love with anyone like this. All those boyfriends I had before seem like nothing to me now. Sean is everything I’ve ever wanted. He’s so goodlooking and so smart. And here’s a little secret, Diary. He’s also very sensitive. You wouldn’t know it if you just met him or anything. But he is. We watched this tearjerker the other night with Ethan Hawke and Sean looked over at me at the end and he had tears in his eyes. He didn’t even try to hide them like most guys do. I like that about him. I was blubbering like a baby myself and he put his arm around me. I LOVE HIM!

  June 20, 2006

  Dear Diary,

  Sean and I got married on June 10th and I am so happy. My father insisted on having the wedding at the country club, and I’m glad he did because it was so beautiful. Marla was my maid of honor and Lindsey was a bridesmaid. We went to Jamaica for a honeymoon and we both got good tans and ate and drank like pigs. I don’t think I could fit in my wedding dress now. We’re living in my apartment in Mobile. But the best news is that I don’t work at the bank anymore. I hated that! I have never been so bored and frustrated in my entire life. Sean told me I didn’t have to work there anymore if I didn’t want to and I took him up on it! Now I spend my days cooking gourmet meals for him and he loves it. And then I give him a gourmet dessert a la me. LOL. He loves that too.

  October 21, 2007

  Dear Diary,

  We found a house in Bay Point that overlooks the bay. I can’t believe how lucky we are. In a couple of weeks I’ll be living back in my home town. I’ve got a lot of ideas of things I want to do to the house because it hasn’t been updated in DECADES. Best of all is that Marla lives in Bay Point now too, so I’ll be able to see my sister any time I want to. She’s my best friend, Diary. Sean too. I guess I have two best friends. I feel so lucky right now.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Marla closed the diary and put it on the table beside the couch. She was disappointed that Meredith hadn’t written in it more frequently, because now it was the only real thread she had into Meredith’s mind. She planned to finish it tomorrow evening after the shop closed.

  Business was usually pretty good in the summer months with the beachgoers taking side trips to the little towns on the bay. By the afternoon, Derrick and Jada brought in a truckload of furniture and decorative pieces from two estate sales.

  “We got some Roseville,” Jada said excitedly. “That second house had several pieces and I had to bid hard to get them.” She unwrapped one of the pieces, a green vase with the unmistakable Roseville lines and smooth glaze. Marla and Jada unwrapped each piece and discussed the prices before putting them on display around the shop.

  Michael called right in the middle of the Roseville project and asked if he could see her that night. She agreed. Why not? Things were heating up between them in a way that Marla wasn’t sure she was going to be able to control much longer. She was at a crossroads in the relationship: move forward into a physical relationship or stop seeing Michael. His patience wasn’t going to last much longer.

  After she blew her hair dry later that evening she decided to add some curl. She rooted around in the bathroom cabinet looking for her curling iron. Where was that damn thing? Her hand touched something round and she pulled it out. Sean’s shaving mug. The brush was still in it and most of the shaving soap was gone except around the edges. Marla sat on the bathroom floor, holding the mug in her hands. She brought it to her nose and smelled the sweet, clean smell. Sean.

  She didn’t want to cry, but she did anyway. She didn’t want to be puffy eyed when Michael picked her up, but she couldn’t stop. Finally, she shoved the mug deep into the cabinet and got up. Not too bad, she decided when she looked in the mirror. She wrung out a bath cloth with cold water and walked to the couch, where she placed it over her eyes. The curly hair would have to wait for another night.

  After a few minutes she removed the rag and got dressed. She sat back down on the couch to wait for Michael’s call. He had never been in her apartment—she couldn’t imagine him in there. He always called her from the side parking lot and she went down to meet him. But if she went forward with things, that would have to change.

  The green diary sat on the table, calling her name. Marla ignored it. She didn’t know what was in there and she didn’t want to find out before Michael got there to take her out on the town. It wouldn’t be much of a night if she was thinking about Meredith all evening. And Sean. Luckily, Michael called and her struggle with the diary ended.

  Michael drove to Gulf Shores to show her the progress on his bar down there. It was supposed to open in two weeks but he was concerned they weren’t going to make it. So was Marla. The bar was still being remodeled and the whole place was a work zone. She had a hard time imagining where the tables and chairs would go. “I’ve worked miracles before,” Michael said. “Looks like I’m going to have to pay a lot of overtime.”

  He grabbed her hand. “Let’s get out of here and go somewhere fun,” he said leading her through the bar and out the door. Moments later they were seated outside at a restaurant on a pier. Michael ordered margaritas. As the waves crashed against the shore, Marla allowed her mind to wander. She thought back to another June, six years earlier, the day that Meredith and Sean got married.

  As her sister’s maid of honor, she walked down the aisle with Sean’s best man, Tyler, his arm through hers. She remembered seeing Sean, standing tall and straight as he waited at the altar for Meredith. And then she flashed to Sean standing guard by Meredith’s casket at the viewing. No. Stop thinking, she commanded herself.

  “Are you all right?” Michael was asking her. Her eyes were stinging with unshed tears as she looked at Michael. She blinked and the tears spilled out of her eyes and onto her cheeks. Diane had told them in group that memories would hit them out of the blue and they would hurt. But they will lessen over t
ime, she had said. But even after years, one might come into your mind that could still knock you to the floor with pain and longing for your loved one. Because we love them, Diane had said. She hadn’t said “loved them” like most people did. Love them.

  “Hey,” Michael said softly, covering her hand with his.

  “I’m sorry, Michael, Marla said in a wavery voice. She had to get a grip. “I found a diary of Meredith’s yesterday. I didn’t even know she had a diary. It’s making me think about her a lot right now.”

  “It’s okay,” he said. “I know how hard this is for you.” Marla was sure that he did know how hard. Michael loved the nightlife and was always looking for a good time, but he was also a caring person. She remembered how he had helped her when Snowball got run over by a car in college. He knew how much she had loved that cat and he was gentle with her and found a place in the woods to bury him. The thought of Snowball brought fresh tears to her eyes.

  “We can leave if you want to,” Michael said.

  “No. I don’t want to leave, if you can put up with me.” She gave him a weak smile.

  “Are you kidding? You’re the one that has to put up with me.”

  She managed a laugh then and the sad spell was broken. They sat on the pier for hours, eating oysters and shrimp and drinking margaritas. Marla laughed often. Michael was a funny guy.

  “Why don’t we get a place down here for the night?” Michael said. “It’s so late I’d rather not have to drive back to Bay Point.”

  Marla felt anxious. “I’m not sure if I’m ready yet,” she said.

  “I’ll get you your own room,” he said. “Does that make it better?”

  “I don’t want you to have to do that,” she said. “We’ve certainly shared hotel rooms before.”

  She thought for just a moment. “Okay. It makes sense,” she said. She got her purse and he took her hand. He leaned down to kiss her. “You sure?” he said. She nodded. She felt sure.

  He didn’t take her to a low-budget hotel, and Marla was grateful. He took her to the most expensive hotel on the shore. The bed was lush and fluffy. He turned out the light and they both stripped down to their underwear and jumped in the bed. Michael reached for her, as she knew he would. Marla knew what was supposed to happen next and she had decided it was going to happen. Sean was never coming back and she had to move on with her life. Michael was sweet and kind and could give her a good life, if things went that far.

  Their bodies found each other, remembering all the familiar places from when they had been together in college. They made love and it was comforting to Marla. Surely Michael knew that because he was very gentle with her. When it was over, Marla tried not to think about Sean. She wanted to be free of him. She tried not to think about the smell of his shaving soap.

  Michael and Marla ate breakfast in the hotel restaurant the next morning. Michael was relaxed and happy, wanting to do everything for Marla. He would have buttered her toast if she’d let him. And why not enjoy this, she asked herself. Why not let someone do something for her for a change? She deserved to be happy, right? She didn’t really want to be caught in a relationship always tinged with sadness, right?

  Michael dropped her off at the side door of the shop. She still wasn’t ready to let him come up and he seemed to know that because he didn’t push her on it. Upstairs and finally alone with her thoughts, Marla marveled at what she had done. She couldn’t believe it, really. As she walked to her bedroom, she spied the green diary on the table. Whatever was in there was going to have to wait. She didn’t know how long, but she knew she needed to give herself a break from the memories, from her sister’s mind. From Sean.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Sean followed Crystal down the path. It was narrow and the trees were thick all around him. He felt them more than he saw them. “Where are we going?” he asked Crystal.

  “To a surprise,” she said laughing. “Just follow me. You won’t be sorry.”

  Sean followed her and kept his eye on the light from her flashlight. After a few minutes of walking, Crystal said, “It’s right up ahead.”

  Suddenly, they were in a clearing. The forest circled all around them, except for that one spot where you could see up to the stars and the moon. Sean heard the sounds of water nearby and saw a small creek, its waters running over large flat rocks, sparkling in the moonlight. He sure wished Cody were with him because he knew the dog would appreciate the scene as much as Sean did.

  Crystal walked over to a large tree and shone the flashlight on its trunk. “Yep, it’s still here,” she said. Sean walked over and looked at the spot on the trunk, illuminated by the flashlight. CB + LS was carved into the trunk, surrounded by a crude heart shape.

  “My boyfriend Liam carved that in there one night,” Crystal said. “It’s weird to think it’s out here in the middle of nowhere, years later.”

  “That’s nice,” Sean said. He didn’t really know what to say, but the carved initials did seem like a nice memory.

  “Yeah?” Crystal said. “Well, he turned out to be a real jerk in the end. Screwed my best friend behind my back. When I found out, I lost my boyfriend and my best friend all in the same day.”

  She laughed and Sean laughed with her. Crystal unstrapped the blanket and spread it on the ground, on the bank of the sparkling creek. They sat down and Sean realized it was more than a blanket, it was down-filled and thick. They looked up at the open circle of sky above them. The full moon shone down on them.

  “We picked the perfect night,” Crystal said, hooking her arm through his. She had touched Sean before, in the bar, when they were talking. His hand, his arm. But this felt different and Sean didn’t know what it meant or where it was going. Then Crystal moved her face to his and kissed him on the lips. He kissed her back.

  When she finally pulled away from him, she said, “I know you’re sad, Sean. I know that. I just want to make you feel better. Even if it’s just a little.”

  And then she was kissing him again and they fell back onto the blanket. He was so lonely. He hadn’t realized how lonely he was until that moment. If he had been able to think about that, he wouldn’t have been able to continue. But he didn’t dwell on anything, he just kissed Crystal and his physical need was urgent. Urgent.

  Afterward, they lay back on the blanket staring at the hole in the universe. “Was that okay?” Crystal asked.

  “That was good,” Sean said touching her hand. They didn’t talk anymore. They just sat and looked at the moon until it had moved past the circle. They rolled the blanket up and walked back down the narrow path to the car. He kissed her goodbye when she dropped him off at his truck.

  When he got back to the cabin, Cody was waiting at the door, desperate to get out. “I’m sorry, boy,” he said. Cody didn’t pay him any attention, he just ran out the door and into the meadow where he relieved himself. Sean felt bad that he had left Cody there for that long. He wouldn’t do that again.

  A few nights later, Sean and Jesse went to Billy’s. That was usual. Crystal was working and she talked to Sean just like she always did. But something had changed between them since the night in the woods. She touched him more and he touched her back. He couldn’t really stay out late on weeknights, but the next Saturday, Crystal asked him if he wanted to go out after she got off at midnight.

  He went. And they kept going every Saturday night, back to the hole in the universe because they didn’t have anywhere else. He couldn’t let her come to the cabin. Marty and Mrs. Rutherford probably wouldn’t have liked that too much. He hated leaving Cody for that long, but Jesse stepped in and said he’d let the dog out when he got back to the cabins. That was a relief. It was obvious to Jesse and everyone else who frequented the bar that Sean and Crystal were together, whatever that meant. He really wasn’t sure what that meant. He cared about Crystal, but he knew he didn’t love her.

  On a Saturday night in early August, Sean and Crystal got into her VW, as usual. He had been thinking all week about Marla and h
ow much he missed her. Her sweet love. The time had come to come clean with Crystal and he hated to do it. She had helped him more than she knew. She had been his friend when he needed a friend.

  “Can we sit here and talk?” Sean asked.

  “Of course,” Crystal said, linking her arm through his. “You seem sort of distant lately. I can listen.”

  “I know you can,” he said squeezing her hand. “You’re a great listener. And I’ve got to tell you something.”

  “Okay,” she said. She waited for him to speak.

  “This is hard and seems so unfair, but I’m in love with someone.”

  Crystal’s arm jerked when he said that. “Who?” she asked in an unsteady voice. “I understand you still love your wife.”

  “Yes, I still love Meredith. I’ll always love Meredith. But this is someone else.”

  “How could there be someone else? You haven’t been anywhere,” Crystal said, a note of desperation creeping into her voice.

  “It’s someone from before I came here,” Sean knew he had to bite the bullet. “It’s my sister-in-law.” There, he had said the words out loud to another human being. It was finally out.

  “Your sister-in-law?” Crystal said, incredulous. “What do you mean?”

  Sean explained everything to her. How Marla had done everything for him, how he moved in with her, how they fell in love with each other, and how they broke apart.

  Crystal didn’t say anything for a while. Finally, she said, “I knew you loved your wife and I accepted that. But I never dreamed there was anyone else, especially your sister-in-law.” She turned her head and stared out of her window. “But I know this much. I can’t make you love me. You won’t be able to love me if you’re in love with someone else.”